PandaStillLovesBunny Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Hi all - I just recently began contact with an ex from a few years ago. She was the love of my life; I never felt more comfortable with someone than I did with her. I want her back, but she's in a relationship. Normally, this would be cause for "well, she's moved on; I will, too." But when we were talking, she said that she didn't love her boyfriend. About a year ago, I had tried to get back together with her, and she said the same thing - then, I took her at facevalue and didn't pursue any relationship, seeing as how she was otherwise taken. But now, I'm starting to wonder if the whole "I don't love them" thing is some kind of invitation for me to try something. I would never help her to cheat, of course - I would insist that she break up with him. But that's presuming a lot of things... Anyway, I'm just wondering what the most prudent course of action would be: she's an awesome person, so I would want to still be her friend, regardless. Now, should I just hang out and be her friend until she breaks up with her boyfriend (he's a loutish imbecile, constantly threatening her roommates with bodily harm because he's jealous of them, so a break-up is inevitable), whereupon I will let her know that I still love her? Or should I confess it to her now? What would you do? Would waiting jeopardize my chances, seeing as how she harbors doubts ("I don't love him") about him now , and she may change her mind later; or would telling her now be more likely to result in a rebuff, since she already feels committed, whether or not she's actually in love? How easy is it to go from friend to lover? I mean, if one started as a lover, of course, and one's intentions are divulged. Just a few of the many questions I have. Let's not focus on such questions as whether she feels the same for me or not. Let's just look at the ODDS. Let's assume that she has feelings for me, and that it's only her current relationship that's keeping her tethered. Link to post Share on other sites
LovesHangover Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Would an honest conversation affect her current relationship? I am all for expressing feelinds as long as you are ready to deal with the consequences. Not a big fan of interferring in relationships, but I do not think that is your aim. If you have the honest conversation and can remain friends or get the relationship you want, go for it! Can you truly be just friends with important things uncommunicated? Be responsible and respectful in your communication as Bunny is in a relationship, which is a major consideration in this situation regardless of what you think about her boyfriend! Link to post Share on other sites
LovesHangover Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Would an honest conversation affect her current relationship? I am all for expressing feelings as long as you are ready to deal with the consequences. Not a big fan of interferring in relationships, but I do not think that is your aim. If you have the honest conversation and can remain friends or get the relationship you want, go for it! Can you truly be just friends with important things uncommunicated? Be responsible and respectful in your communication as Bunny is in a relationship, which is a major consideration in this situation regardless of what you think about her boyfriend! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PandaStillLovesBunny Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I picked that user name a long time ago -- how did you know that this was my Bunny? Anyway, I think I've elected to wait. We've talked -- not about my feelings -- and she seems to be with this boyfriend just to avoid the awkwardness that breaking up would bring. She's tied her life too intimately into his. They have the same classes at school, the same friends, etc. So even if I told her that I still loved her, she'd never leave him for me. Her priorities lie elsewhere. And I don't think I could take her rejecting me not because there is someone better, but because of convenience. Link to post Share on other sites
darknightie Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 PSLB, I think what you've decided is on the right track. If she doesn't love him, she should leave him, but that's up to her and nothing you do can or can't make that happen. You can only control your own actions. Also, if her life is entangled in his like you say - it will be a messy breakup and she knows it. More often than not, we stay in whats "comfortable" rather than doing what we WANT, for fear of the unknown. Your best bet is to be nice but far. If that makes sense. She can have you if she wants a real relationship, other wise a friendship with her is demoting you from your prior status and I dont mean that in a "pride" sort of way. Also - I'd be willing to bet she already knows you still love her. We have a way of knowing these things So with that information, she'll do what she wants. I would stay away, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PandaStillLovesBunny Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 But, hypothetical question - what's the worst that could happen if I just went ahead and kissed her? Drink in the face? Do people actually do that? Legal action? Crotch kick? Has anyone ever just gone for it, and said "**** the consequences?" Sorry if this is out of tune with my prior posts. I'm a bit antsy at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
LovesHangover Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Why would you just kiss her? Weird! Talking would be better. It is her choice to stay or leave boyfriend. Just kissing her is disrespecful without her consent as well as to her relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PandaStillLovesBunny Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 Yeah, sorry, I wasn't in my right headspace there. But I meant that we would go out, talk, and I'd see if we were in a good place. I realize now that it would be a bad idea. I was trying to get a "big, grand, sweeping" moment where I wouldn't have to say anything. Guess that's not such a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PandaStillLovesBunny Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 Well, if there's anyone still following this, a breakup between "bunny" and the boyfriend is imminent. I don't know if she did it on purpose as a way of shirking responsibility, but she did something that seemed almost designed to stoke the boyfriend's extremely jealous nature. This is a man who threatened one of her friends with physical harm before, so I only hope that he has some restraint when he deals with her. Luckily, there is some distance between them due to career. Am I happy about this? I'm conflicted. On the one hand, it gives me a chance. On the other, she seems kind of manipulative to do it this way. No matter what this guy is like, I'm not sure I'd care for his emotions to be played like this. I certainly wouldn't want to be. Augh. Link to post Share on other sites
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