Oh God it hurts , I didn't know he was married at first .......

[carhill]

aah... you think he was banned?! Wow... that can't be... with his first post? Anyway, of course he'll be back again under a different name in that case, since that's been his pattern for yonks.

There's a really cool search by member that auto-completes any typing. I feel a dearth of presence

[Adunaphel]

I just wanted to say that I respect you a lot for posting this under your usual username, even if such a post might come a bit as a surprise from you.

(even if everyone who thought he/she'd never be in an affair but ended up being in one knows very well that one action does not change the person:))

I am very sorry that you were dragged into this - it is horrible, and disgustingly selfish, that he lied to you about being married.

[hug]

Is the phone call a recent thing?

What are you planning to do? Are you trying NC?

[Athena]

There's a really cool search by member that auto-completes any typing. I feel a dearth of presence

? I do not understand what you said here...

[GreenEyedLady]

aah... you think he was banned?! Wow... that can't be... with his first post? Anyway, of course he'll be back again under a different name in that case, since that's been his pattern for yonks.

 

It wasn't just one post. There were several.

[carhill]

? I do not understand what you said here...

Go to advance search, search by user and type in 'green'. Watch for the list that pops up as you type.

[Athena]

Go to advance search, search by user and type in 'green'. Watch for the list that pops up as you type.

 

oh, the search option... yes I have used that before. But typing in Greenish will not show anything by user, since the post/s were deleted... and if you type in Greenish under keyword, it brings up the parts of the deleted posts quoted by others in this thread.

 

Is that what you were referring to? (I thought you had a way of finding deleted posts, lol...)

[carhill]

I noted that the username still exists but has no posts, indicating (in my experience as an administrator) a locked account. I keep the posts and the user extant, but they only exist in the administration area. Members can't see them.

 

There are ways of seeing deleted posts using other means but I'd rather not discuss that. I can see some of those posts, including the first one in this thread as well as the poster's first post on LS.

 

Happy that Mary is feeling perkier and this issue didn't bring her down.

[Athena]

I noted that the username still exists but has no posts, indicating (in my experience as an administrator) a locked account. I keep the posts and the user extant, but they only exist in the administration area. Members can't see them.

 

Ah good -- then PLEASE answer this: Is it possible to have the user's IP address Banned? I mean, what is the point of banning the same guy dozens of times??? He is simply gonna come back again, and again... like he has before... and EACH time he comes back, he is disgustingly rude to posters. So -- is it possible?

[carhill]

Yes, IP banning is possible, and I've done it, but, if the user is on a dynamic IP or uses an anonymizer (proxy server), the ban is often ineffectual. Further, an IP ban can affect otherwise legitimate users.

[Thornton]

I feel for you Mary Perhaps sharing my (sort of) similar story might help you somewhat...

 

I once fell for a guy who told me he was single, who made me feel happy and good about myself, who I thought was my friend... I genuinely thought we had a future together, he said he'd never felt so positive about a relationship. Then I found out he had a long-term gf - he wasn't married but he might as well have been, given how many years he'd been with her. I was crushed, so I know how you must feel and I sympathise.

 

Anyway, this guy told me that his relationship was over, that he hadn't see her since she decided to resume her education in another city and they were currently living apart. He said he hadn't got around to officially ending the relationship yet because she was having a rough time, but he promised to do it in the next few months... and I, like a fool, believed him. I loved him so much that I wanted to believe what he was telling me, wanted to believe that he loved me and we'd end up together... with hindsight I should have dumped him on the spot, but in reality it's not so easy to let go of someone you truly love, especially if they're telling you they truly love you too and they'll end their relationship to be with you.

 

After a few months we broke up... I think he felt pressured and guilty because I knew he had a gf and he'd promised to break up with her. I later found out that all that time his gf thought they were just having a temporary long distance relationship while she was studying in another city, and she thought that after she finished studying she'd come back and they'd get married! Plus he was still seeing her when she came back for weekends, even though he didn't tell me about it at the time.

 

I know I should feel like I had a lucky escape... but I still feel like I lost a wonderful guy, because for a while I did believe he was Mr Right, even if it turned out to be a lie and a fantasy. I feel like I still miss the guy I thought he was, if that makes any sense? Sometimes I still find it difficult to believe that I was so completely taken in, and I think that surely he must have had some good in him otherwise I wouldn't have fallen for him so completely. Several months after we split he did eventually break up with his gf, so I wonder if perhaps what he was telling me about their relationship being over was true to some extent? I just have to tell myself that he was obviously extremely manipulative and he convinced me of something that wasn't true; he convinced me that we had something special and I was unique and important to him, and he obviously didn't feel that way or things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. When it comes down to it, he didn't care enough about me to be honest and decent with me, and that says a lot about his morals too. I hate being taken in like that, it makes me feel stupid and angry

 

ETA: Ever since then I've been very cautious about ensuring a guy is single before I get attached to him. The very next guy I dated after that jerk took me out three times before I asked "Do you have a gf?" and he said "Yes!" He said he thought I was hot and he just wanted to have some extra fun without his gf knowing. So obviously I was angry, but also relieved that I found out early. Is it really too much to assume that someone who expresses an interest in you is single? I always assumed that anyone who asked me out must be single, otherwise he wouldn't be asking me out, but it seems that's not the case nowadays, you actually have to ask! So my advice is: Don't assume anything, always ask a guy if he's single - some of them will lie to your face but most of them will come clean if they're taken. Even if he says he's single, take it with a pinch of salt until you've known him for some time and are pretty much certain he's single.

[Mary3]

I feel for you Mary Perhaps sharing my (sort of) similar story might help you somewhat...

 

I once fell for a guy who told me he was single, who made me feel happy and good about myself, who I thought was my friend... I genuinely thought we had a future together, he said he'd never felt so positive about a relationship. Then I found out he had a long-term gf - he wasn't married but he might as well have been, given how many years he'd been with her. I was crushed, so I know how you must feel and I sympathise.

 

Anyway, this guy told me that his relationship was over, that he hadn't see her since she decided to resume her education in another city and they were currently living apart. He said he hadn't got around to officially ending the relationship yet because she was having a rough time, but he promised to do it in the next few months... and I, like a fool, believed him. I loved him so much that I wanted to believe what he was telling me, wanted to believe that he loved me and we'd end up together... with hindsight I should have dumped him on the spot, but in reality it's not so easy to let go of someone you truly love, especially if they're telling you they truly love you too and they'll end their relationship to be with you.

 

After a few months we broke up... I think he felt pressured and guilty because I knew he had a gf and he'd promised to break up with her. I later found out that all that time his gf thought they were just having a temporary long distance relationship while she was studying in another city, and she thought that after she finished studying she'd come back and they'd get married! Plus he was still seeing her when she came back for weekends, even though he didn't tell me about it at the time.

 

I know I should feel like I had a lucky escape... but I still feel like I lost a wonderful guy, because for a while I did believe he was Mr Right, even if it turned out to be a lie and a fantasy. I feel like I still miss the guy I thought he was, if that makes any sense? Sometimes I still find it difficult to believe that I was so completely taken in, and I think that surely he must have had some good in him otherwise I wouldn't have fallen for him so completely. Several months after we split he did eventually break up with his gf, so I wonder if perhaps what he was telling me about their relationship being over was true to some extent? I just have to tell myself that he was obviously extremely manipulative and he convinced me of something that wasn't true; he convinced me that we had something special and I was unique and important to him, and he obviously didn't feel that way or things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. When it comes down to it, he didn't care enough about me to be honest and decent with me, and that says a lot about his morals too. I hate being taken in like that, it makes me feel stupid and angry

 

ETA: Ever since then I've been very cautious about ensuring a guy is single before I get attached to him. The very next guy I dated after that jerk took me out three times before I asked "Do you have a gf?" and he said "Yes!" He said he thought I was hot and he just wanted to have some extra fun without his gf knowing. So obviously I was angry, but also relieved that I found out early. Is it really too much to assume that someone who expresses an interest in you is single? I always assumed that anyone who asked me out must be single, otherwise he wouldn't be asking me out, but it seems that's not the case nowadays, you actually have to ask! So my advice is: Don't assume anything, always ask a guy if he's single - some of them will lie to your face but most of them will come clean if they're taken. Even if he says he's single, take it with a pinch of salt until you've known him for some time and are pretty much certain he's single.

 

Thank you Thornton You know I * get it * when you say *I feel like I lost a wonderful guy*. As devastating as everything was that happened to you and to me I do understand ( and thats whats so painful ) that your * image * of what you thought you lost is what hurts. The companionship, the lovemaking , the friendship, the confidant , the person you went to the movies with , the person you went shopping with , the person you went to the beach with , All of that is LOST , Gone . And no amount of beating yourself up about it is going to change that it happened.

 

Your story is incredibly similar to mine. Which means there are guys out there who want some saucy side fun , they hone in on you, they figure out your vulnerabilities , they move in for the kill, they care NOT what devastation they leave behind. They will say whatever they have to say to get you hooked into their world. Once you are deep in , they either confess or you find out they have someone else,

 

So actually we greive the image of what we lost. Not them. Because they are not very nice , they hurt YOU and Me and ( her ) . So we miss the things I wrote above.

 

Gosh its like , how can we believe a guy is single , I ask again ? Scarey ...

[Thornton]

Gosh its like , how can we believe a guy is single , I ask again ? Scarey ...

 

Well the point is, nowadays youcan't believe someone is single, you have to be alert and have a healthy dose of suspicion until you know for sure. It's sad really; I was so innocent and trusting and I've had to learn to be distrustful to protect myself.

 

I like to think I have decent morals for the most part, so unfortunately I tend to assume that everyone else thinks like me, and clearly they don't... I wouldn't ask someone out unless I was single, but that doesn't mean that other people won't do it. I wouldn't be cruel to an animal or steal something either, but those things still happen in the world, so I suppose really it should come as no surprise that not everyone has the same morals as me.

[1Angel]

I am so very sorry to hear this story. You're stronger than you know.

[Mary3]

I am so very sorry to hear this story. You're stronger than you know.

 

Thank you for your caring words

[me003]

Hindsight is always 20/20 and people can play 'Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda' all day long - it doesn't help you feel any better!

 

Try to keep yourself as busy as you possibly can unless you are sleeping.

Fall into bed exhausted. Take time to pamper yourself and do things (for just you) often that you'd do on occasion.

Reach out to some of your friends and try to get out of the house a bit more - and set up an emergency calling circle who'll listen when you need to talk.

 

You have a move to look forward to and a whole new place with no memories around you.

Things will get better and days will get easier.

 

I hope that helps.

 

This is such a great example of how kind words can make OW feel less crappier than they already feel. I know some OW on here need to get slapped with harsh words, but not everyone.

 

Again such positive and helpful words that everyone who has ended any normal or abnormal relationship should do.

[me003]

In also want to mention that some man may still say they are single and unless you run a background check on them you will never know. Unless you plan on having an application before you go out on a date I have no idea how you can find out for sure?

 

I have a friend who is Indian, he leaves his wife at home and goes out at all hours. He owns 5 gas stations so his cover is safe. They got married in their country so no records of him being married show up in the US.

 

As far as the wedding ring, some men don't wear rings and other don't g et caluses.

 

Sad how this can happen. I guess you can get a copy of his TAX return, but how do you go about asking for all that.

[Mary3]

In also want to mention that some man may still say they are single and unless you run a background check on them you will never know. Unless you plan on having an application before you go out on a date I have no idea how you can find out for sure?

 

I have a friend who is Indian, he leaves his wife at home and goes out at all hours. He owns 5 gas stations so his cover is safe. They got married in their country so no records of him being married show up in the US.

 

As far as the wedding ring, some men don't wear rings and other don't g et caluses.

 

Sad how this can happen. I guess you can get a copy of his TAX return, but how do you go about asking for all that.

 

I have recently paid for and found out that those * Search for People * places where you pay $ 39.95 are bunk ! I called my bank and asked for my money back. 2 popular ones are SCAMS. If you look them up on reviews those are scams, scams and more scams....The one I purchased gave me NOTHING . Not even my own birth , marriage or even my moms death , Nothing was on there . I realized I was _______ and got the money back.

 

So unless everyone could hire a Private Detective then nothing you learn on-line is all that accurate. You see names next to the person you are searching for and you really don't know who that person(s) are. SO could it be his wife , his sister ? Even if you spring the money you still get ZERO.

[me003]

I have recently paid for and found out that those * Search for People * places where you pay $ 39.95 are bunk ! I called my bank and asked for my money back. 2 popular ones are SCAMS. If you look them up on reviews those are scams, scams and more scams....The one I purchased gave me NOTHING . Not even my own birth , marriage or even my moms death , Nothing was on there . I realized I was _______ and got the money back.

 

So unless everyone could hire a Private Detective then nothing you learn on-line is all that accurate. You see names next to the person you are searching for and you really don't know who that person(s) are. SO could it be his wife , his sister ? Even if you spring the money you still get ZERO.

 

I have befriended some police officers. If they like you they can run background checks on people. You just have to have their full names, DOB.

 

You can always go to the police station to pull a report, but I'm not sure if it pulls the county, state, or all the states.

[Mary3]

I have befriended some police officers. If they like you they can run background checks on people. You just have to have their full names, DOB.

 

You can always go to the police station to pull a report, but I'm not sure if it pulls the county, state, or all the states.

 

Thanks I got more looking on the internet white pages which gave his address and house phone. I too have a good friend up in the PD but did not contact him yet.

[fooled once]

I have befriended some police officers. If they like you they can run background checks on people. You just have to have their full names, DOB.

 

You can always go to the police station to pull a report, but I'm not sure if it pulls the county, state, or all the states.

 

I believe that is against the law for a police officer to just run a report on someone for a friend. In fact, I know for a fact here where I live an officer can lose his job for doing that.