People don't want to do things with me

[EddieN]

Title says it. When I'm at school, people like me enough to do stuff with me then. Unfortunately, over the summer my "friends" at school aren't so receptive.

 

This Saturday will be the second time this summer that I'm putting together a party for all of us from school (mostly people from my team). I have the PERFECT setup here - pool and pool house, which includes a pool table, bbq grill, plasma screen tv, and a minibar...best of all it's far away from the main house, where my parents leave us alone.

 

When I plan these parties, a few people say they'll come, but most immediately make up excuses. Granted, a lot of these people are an hour or two away from my house, but for christ's sake, I'm rooming with some of these guys next year! At least put in some effort to have some FUN with your friends over the summer.

 

Also, my phone never rings or gets texts. I ALWAYS have to be to one to call a friend. ALWAYS.

 

I just feel like people abandon me, even my own brother, who has repeatedly told me that he wants to take me out to bars and parties but never actually does it. Every time I call him he brushes me off. A few weeks ago he was in a depressed state and I did something to cheer him up. He then expressed what a great guy he thought I was and how proud he was to have me as a brother. He told me he wanted to spend time with me this past weekend. What happened? - complete blowoff.

 

I'm tired of this.

[New Again]

Wow this reminds me of me sometimes!

[Jilly Bean]

People suck, Eddie, they really do.

 

I'm constantly disappointed in things like this, so I feel ya.

 

I think lowering expectations and realizing that others won't behave as we would, helps.

 

FWIW, I'd text you.

[EddieN]

Wow this reminds me of me sometimes!

 

Good to know that I'm not alone.

 

I guess what spurred me on was I was just talking to this pen-pal like girl and she made a comment about how she was talking to 15 people via IM while talking to me. I was thinking, "Wow, I'm I that much out of the social loop?"

 

I just feel like that people enjoy my company when I happen to be around, but they won't make an effort to include me. My one friend who I'm rooming with next year and his girlfriend seem to like my company at school a lot. I make them laugh all the time and they say good things about me. So I don't get why they won't come up and visit me when I invite them, or suggest that I visit them in their town. Same with my brother...when I can make him feel better, he likes me. But when he's off partying and hitting on girls, he easily forgets me.

[sally4sara]

I think this is true for most people.

 

The nearest doughnut theory is to blame. The best party or hangout is the one most accessible. Your most accessible and coolest place is your folk's pool house. You know how great it is and want the party to come to your location.

 

They want this too. In their location.

 

The nearest doughnut is always the best doughnut.

[EddieN]

I think this is true for most people.

 

The nearest doughnut theory is to blame. The best party or hangout is the one most accessible. Your most accessible and coolest place is your folk's pool house. You know how great it is and want the party to come to your location.

 

They want this too. In their location.

 

The nearest doughnut is always the best doughnut.

 

Lol, I like that theory.

 

But, like the doughnut, there's a hole in your theory!

 

If people happen to come to my house for the first time, they always come back. Why? BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO THROW A FREAKIN PARTY. They always comment on what a perfect location my place is, even if it's not totally accessible to them.

 

I feel like if I subdued and bound me less-willing friends and brought them to my place, they'd be more apt about coming to my place. Problem is, that would probably cancel out with my sociopathic behavior.

[New Again]

Good to know that I'm not alone.

 

I guess what spurred me on was I was just talking to this pen-pal like girl and she made a comment about how she was talking to 15 people via IM while talking to me. I was thinking, "Wow, I'm I that much out of the social loop?"

 

I just feel like that people enjoy my company when I happen to be around, but they won't make an effort to include me. My one friend who I'm rooming with next year and his girlfriend seem to like my company at school a lot. I make them laugh all the time and they say good things about me. So I don't get why they won't come up and visit me when I invite them, or suggest that I visit them in their town. Same with my brother...when I can make him feel better, he likes me. But when he's off partying and hitting on girls, he easily forgets me.

 

You're def. not alone.

 

I recently got wicked pissed at some of my friends from college, including my best friend from school. They all live in or within 2 hrs of NYC; obviously I'm an exception.

 

I tried to get together with them for the 4th of July. They kept putting me off...then one of them sent me a fb invite for a beach party that weekend. I decided last minute (2 days before) that I would go - asked my best friend for details and if I could crash with her or if I should get a hotel...she said she was going to her grandmothers and no one was getting together.

 

So I invited some of my DC friends to my family's beach house on Fire Island (like off Long Island - right near them and where their party was).

 

Afterward I saw pics on fb - they had all gotten together after all and didn't let me know...and then had the audacity to get mad at ME for not inviting them to Fire Island.

 

WTF?!?!

[EddieN]

You're def. not alone.

 

I recently got wicked pissed at some of my friends from college, including my best friend from school. They all live in or within 2 hrs of NYC; obviously I'm an exception.

 

I tried to get together with them for the 4th of July. They kept putting me off...then one of them sent me a fb invite for a beach party that weekend. I decided last minute (2 days before) that I would go - asked my best friend for details and if I could crash with her or if I should get a hotel...she said she was going to her grandmothers and no one was getting together.

 

So I invited some of my DC friends to my family's beach house on Fire Island (like off Long Island - right near them and where their party was).

 

Afterward I saw pics on fb - they had all gotten together after all and didn't let me know...and then had the audacity to get mad at ME for not inviting them to Fire Island.

 

WTF?!?!

 

Crap like that has happens to me too. I don't necessarily think people are intentionally excluding you, they're just indifferent to your coming and don't make an effort to update you on the details if things change.

 

People always seem to have family excuses though, like visiting their grandmother or whatnot. I never have THAT many important family things to do. Maybe my family just isn't as close? I don't know.

[New Again]

Crap like that has happens to me too. I don't necessarily think people are intentionally excluding you, they're just indifferent to your coming and don't make an effort to update you on the details if things change.

 

People always seem to have family excuses though, like visiting their grandmother or whatnot. I never have THAT many important family things to do. Maybe my family just isn't as close? I don't know.

 

Ahh, I agree that people are indifferent.

 

In this specific case she meant that she was staying at her grandmother's house (she lives outside the city; her grandmother lives on LI near her beach party), not that she had a family obligation - but the way she phrased it was to imply that she was chillin there with her gran and not really doing anything for the 4th.

 

They were all planning all along to get together - no idea why they blew me off.

 

Especially since then they got pissed that they weren't invited to our beach house.

 

Some people are just ridiculous.

[burningashes]

Yeah, I feel the same thing. I used to hang out with people all the time, and ever since I started my degree (I'm half way in now), people haven't been calling me or blowing me off. I feel like I always have to call them a few times to get together. I know how you feel, and how frustrated you're feeling.

 

I've concluded that they do have other things going in their lives, and I'm not one of their priorities when it comes to friends. I've stopped calling them really, after I've told them how I feel. I basically tell them, "You know, I've been trying to get together with you and I'm the one who does the calling first. Are you interested in being my friend at all? If not, I'll stop calling." Those who start calling you again are the keepers.

 

Have you tried telling your closest friends how you feel? You might want to try that first before giving all hope up and go make new friends

[amerikajin]

People tend to be young and a bit on the self-serving side when they're under the age of 23. Whenever they go to a party, they're thinking of two things:

 

1. Can I get a good buzz?

 

2. Can I get laid?

 

If they can answer 'yes' to the first one, they might come. If they can answer 'yes' or 'maybe' to the second one, they'll definitely pull out all the stops to come.

[boogieboy]

Sound like you need new friends.

 

Either there is something about you that they dont like (of which they'll NEVER tell you). Maybe you have bad breath, maybe they think youre not attractive enough to be in their league, maybe you dont act like an aplha male, maybe you laugh too loud or tell corny jokes, there could be a number of things. Have you ever closely noticed their behavior when you are talking?

 

You might be needy and not even know it.

 

Or youre just not as fun a person to be around as you thought. When NO ONE calls you to hang there is a problem.

 

I dont have any close friends that are constant partyers, so I dont get many calls. You may need to align yourself with 1 guy who is a constant partyer and let him take you under his wing.

[Art_Critic]

Buy a boat... you will have friends coming out of your ears..

 

I'm with Boogieboy on this one...the wrong friends just suck and are only fair weather friends

Sound like you need new friends.

 

I would try and find friends that you have met when you are doing something you like doing.. such as hiking, rafting etc...

[EddieN]

People tend to be young and a bit on the self-serving side when they're under the age of 23. Whenever they go to a party, they're thinking of two things:

 

1. Can I get a good buzz?

 

2. Can I get laid?

 

If they can answer 'yes' to the first one, they might come. If they can answer 'yes' or 'maybe' to the second one, they'll definitely pull out all the stops to come.

 

Makes sense, and I'm not going to deny that I follow that dogma a bit, but not always.

 

Sound like you need new friends.

 

Either there is something about you that they dont like (of which they'll NEVER tell you). Maybe you have bad breath, maybe they think youre not attractive enough to be in their league, maybe you dont act like an aplha male, maybe you laugh too loud or tell corny jokes, there could be a number of things. Have you ever closely noticed their behavior when you are talking?

 

You might be needy and not even know it.

 

Or youre just not as fun a person to be around as you thought. When NO ONE calls you to hang there is a problem.

 

I doubt these things. No way in hell anyone can say I'm out of their league with looks, and I don't have bad breath. I do unlikeable things now and then, but doesn't everyone? Nothing wrong with me.

 

I dont have any close friends that are constant partyers, so I dont get many calls. You may need to align yourself with 1 guy who is a constant partyer and let him take you under his wing.

 

This is more it I think. Most of the guys I know aren't really partyers. They'll go to some but more times than not when I'm out they decide to stay in for the night.

 

Buy a boat... you will have friends coming out of your ears..

 

I'm with Boogieboy on this one...the wrong friends just suck and are only fair weather friends

 

 

I would try and find friends that you have met when you are doing something you like doing.. such as hiking, rafting etc...

 

Funny thing is, most of my friends from an outdoor sport like you mentioned. That's how I know them - we're all on the same team together and the girls are on the corresponding women's team.

 

Besides them, I have a few hometown friends. A lot of them are lazy and don't do anything. The two that are always up for doing stuff with me are away at their schools for the summer, unfortunately.

[Jilly Bean]

Either there is something about you that they dont like (of which they'll NEVER tell you). Maybe you have bad breath, maybe they think youre not attractive enough to be in their league, maybe you dont act like an aplha male, maybe you laugh too loud or tell corny jokes, there could be a number of things. Have you ever closely noticed their behavior when you are talking?

 

You might be needy and not even know it.

 

Or youre just not as fun a person to be around as you thought. When NO ONE calls you to hang there is a problem.

 

There's definitely some truth to this. You have to look at the common denominator in a situation, and it could be that the OP is just not aligning himself with the right group of friends, which is why they don't ever contact him and blow off plans a lot. Not that there's anything wrong with him, but maybe he's trying to run with a crowd that doesn't consider him a proper fit.

[EddieN]

There's definitely some truth to this. You have to look at the common denominator in a situation, and it could be that the OP is just not aligning himself with the right group of friends, which is why they don't ever contact him and blow off plans a lot. Not that there's anything wrong with him, but maybe he's trying to run with a crowd that doesn't consider him a proper fit.

 

I don't disagree, but I don't think I'm doing that. I've seen these guys and girls for several times every day for the last 2 years (excluding summers).

 

Because of my weird schedule, I don't fit in with most college kids who go out and drink on thursday and friday nights. Gotta stay in then, but saturday I can do stuff.

[Jilly Bean]

 

This could be your problem right here, Eddie.

 

If you are not generally available to hang with your friends, then I remember being a teen/in college, and everyone had an out of sight, out of mind, mentality. Kind of like if you miss a few good parties, then people tend to forget about you, and close the circle.

[EddieN]

This could be your problem right here, Eddie.

 

If you are not generally available to hang with your friends, then I remember being a teen/in college, and everyone had an out of sight, out of mind, mentality. Kind of like if you miss a few good parties, then people tend to forget about you, and close the circle.

 

Thing is, my friends have the same schedule as me. My availability doesn't coincide with the rest of the college community, but it does with the people I'm closest to.

 

But you're right. Here's an example - I do this comedy troupe acting thing. We have parties whenever we finish a show that we've been working on for a while, but they're always on friday nights, so I can't go.

[The Blue Pill]

To the OP, dude, I'm totally with you, as a lot of people are. I've been so mad at my older cousin in the past for acting so buddy buddy with me promising to do things and then bailing. Lately we have been hanging out, but it was bad for a long time.

 

I'm ALWAYS the one to initiate things. I mean, usually when I want to do something I call someone and we do it, but It's never the other way around. I hate it. So...Much...

 

I think it goes back to what someone said, about trying to hang with the wrong crowd. I don't do drugs, I don't drink to get smashed, I have usually been in steady relationships, but the people who are my best friends aren't like that. But we've been friends since grade school you know?

 

And some new friends I made don't want to do that stuff at all, and it makes me seem like the outgoing one. I'm caught in the middle right now and it sucks. One of my best girl friends who I have always been so close with, I hadn't seen in almost 2 months, and we work 30 seconds away from each other. Why? Because I'm ****ing sick and tired of having to be the one to go out of my way for the friendship. Now, she's seeing some guy that came out of nowhere, and that has def. pushed us further apart, and it sucks!

 

So yeah, basically, you're not alone, not by a long shot. There must be something wrong with us.

[Angel1111]

Having read some of your posts on this site, I'm guessing that you're pretty opinonated and probably very intelligent, maybe even a little ecentric. A lot of people are intimidated by that. You seem nice enough to me but maybe you're too serious-minded for most people. I'm not sure what it is but maybe your brother could enlighten you - he knows you better than anyone.

[EddieN]

Having read some of your posts on this site, I'm guessing that you're pretty opinonated and probably very intelligent, maybe even a little ecentric. A lot of people are intimidated by that. You seem nice enough to me but maybe you're too serious-minded for most people. I'm not sure what it is but maybe your brother could enlighten you - he knows you better than anyone.

 

Thanks for the compliments angel. WHile sometimes I overthink things, I'm also able to be laid back and more wild and free-spirited, as opposed to serious-minded. The opinions I express in this forum are not how I talk on a day by day basis. I'm much more casual when talking, though I might be thinking more like I write on here...if that makes sense.

 

I've come to the conclusion that these people don't come here mostly because it's a far drive and they have other obligations. One of my friends was planning to go to a concert on the day of my party. Another has to spent time with his gf at her place before she goes away. Others are away in different states. I can understand those things. I just wish SOME people would be available.

[Pandaren]

I had this problem too for awhile. But now I actually get quite annoyed with the phone calls and text messages. I was lonely during that time, got blown off quite a bit or never invited to anything at all. I'd hang out with friends every now and then and during that time they'd talk about the other things they were doing without me! I got used to it and finally gave up, man did that change things. I guess it's when we act like we don't give a crap whether we talk to someone or not that they suddenly want to talk to you. Once I started ignoring people because I was angry and kind of hurt, they suddenly wanted to be my best friend. I don't know if this is the best advice, but once I started ignoring the occasional phone call and not calling people back they started trying to get a hold of me more and more often. Now I get all kinds of annoying, unwanted phone calls from people I don't even really like all that much!

[Shygirl15]

Well, I'm known for blowing people off and not answering texts/phone calls. Sounds bad, huh? Wait till you get clingy, annoying friends like mine then you'll know.

 

People will only blow you off when there's something they don't like about you, I think. It doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person though; it only means that maybe it's time you change friends.

[dreamergrl]

Well, I'm known for blowing people off and not answering texts/phone calls. Sounds bad, huh? Wait till you get clingy, annoying friends like mine then you'll know.

 

People will only blow you off when there's something they don't like about you, I think. It doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person though; it only means that maybe it's time you change friends.

 

I agree with this. You'll click with the right group of friends. Just because you see them every day or whatever, doesn't mean you get on well. It sounds to me like you have aquaintances instead of friends. Time to go find people that you mesh well with.

[tblucky]

 

1. Can I get a good buzz?

 

2. Can I get laid?

 

 

haha, this is actually often true