loveholly31 Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 well, we all find ourselves in the same type situations. true soul mates will continue to try to find one another throughout life. and we have many, let me assure you. i am terribly in love with my soul mate, but he was not man enough to stand by me through a divorce. i have a small child, and i love my husband. but i love him like a brother, and i cannot be myself around him. for the long haul, i have almost convinced myself that there is no future. in soul mate relationships, i must say, they tend to be devistating and discouraging. you will be left with an emptiness that will never be filled by another. i believe you hold this love in a space in your heart forever. and for some strange reason, find your self forever hopeful in it. it is a very confusing place. and i am truly sorry you are standing in it. one question- is the girl married???? Link to post Share on other sites
DivaGirl Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 I really hate to be a naysayer and sound so unromantic, but please. You know she's your soulmate after a month? To be fair, I've done the same thing. It's amazing how annoying my "soulmate" got when the honeymoon-and-excitement phase was over and he as doing things that made me grit my teeth and want to throttle him. Before claiming she's your soulmate, get to know her without anything romantic going on for five years. If in five years you still claim she's your soulmate, then go for it. Until then, remain faithful to your current and baby. Link to post Share on other sites
lint Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 I've read the whole post and just recently touched upon the subject of soul-mates. Could someone please explain to me what a soul mate is? I tend to think that it's pure dumb luck when 2 people fall in love, blah, blah, blah... I have been married for over 20 years but I don't consider my husband my soulmate Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 A Soul Mate is about a football field's worth of grass from the other side of the fence... A mgical construct who shares our every thought, whim, passion, fancy and quirk. They elevate us from the mundane. They remind us of what it feels like to be alive. They are incredibly false, blinding us to what reality is. I don't care a whit about how they feel in the beginning... everyone passes gas, everyone generates dirty laundry (yes, both literal and figurative), and everyone is capable of driving anyone else nuts on a just plain ol' daily basis. Don't fool yourselves, people, even a successful marriage to a soul mate (successful including, but not limited to LONG) entails huge amounts of work, consistency, patience, compromise and not a little frustration! Link to post Share on other sites
peakey Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 It seems you've had heaps of replies to your post, so you probably don't need mine. But I really had to put in my views. The description of your feelings in all this really touched me because I can imagine that's how my H felt when he embarked on his first affair. But guess what? Everyone feels like you do when you first fall for someone. In the first flush of love, you don't notice the other person's faults. And you also try hard to impress, to be interested in what the other person likes. So your OW right now seems perfect, faultless, and interested in you, unlike your pregnant wife who's probably a bit imperfect at the moment - what with everything you have to cope with in pregnancy. But hey, if you left your wife and moved in with the OW, you'd eventually find out her faults too. No one is perfect. I remember reading something about arranged marriages. The article said that many of those marriages were/are very successful, because the two partners took the time to get to know each other, communicate, appreciate, respect each other. They may never have chosen to marry each other, ie, they didn't see each other as "soul mates", but they ended up having happy, successful marriages anyway. They made themselves soul mates with hard work. Tell you wife what's been going on. Maybe you will be lucky, and she will be willing to fogive you (eventually) for almost deserting her in a most vulnerable time for her. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 Imminent parenthood is a scary thing - the change in lifestyle, the increase in responsibility, the change in the dynamics all test the relationship. A huge number of marriages (biggest proportion in any one time period) fail within a year of the birth of a child. This may be a factor which has made you more vulnerable to an affair. I've always found the concept of a "solemate" that will obliterate all previous loves, regardless of one's will, to be highly suspect. I think we choose to love or not, depending on our own needs and vulnerabilities. I'm not sure if my experience will be of any help to you in thinking about your situation. My husband and I have been together for around 17 years. We are light years away from being solemates, we are so different. This presents us with needs (non sexual) which can not be met within the marriage. Until we allowed ourselves to pursue happiness both within and outside the marriage, we were prime candidates for an affair. Actually it seems to have strengthened our love, rather than diminished it. I think the "solemate" phenomenon happens to people when they have a need which is not being addressed by the marriage, they meet someone who provides the missing link, there are none of the realities of day to day life and all the excitement of the illicit/carefree and BINGO: that's your solemate. So I agree with Benedict/Peaky - it's a myth that would soon crumble. BTW please don't tell your wife if you stay with her. I could not have coped with this when pregnant and you have no right to ruin the birth of your child. Post natal depression is also a serious risk. Do not share your guilt - she doesn't deserve it. Learn to live with it yourself. If you leave, wait until she has recovered from the birth and is able to cope alone. P.S. Just realised how old this thread is - are you still around? Link to post Share on other sites
peakey Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 Originally posted by peakey Tell you wife what's been going on. Maybe you will be lucky, and she will be willing to fogive you (eventually) for almost deserting her in a most vulnerable time for her. Actually, after readind Meanon's reply, I agree with her. DON'T tell you wife. I found out about two of my husband's affairs about a month or two after I had each of my children. Although I didn't suffer from post natal depression as such, it was a depressing time - adding the shock and sadness of finding out about a husband's infidelity to the many stresses of dealing with a newborn was horrible. Go seek councelling. It might help you decide what to do and how to do it, and it might give you the focus to work things out with your wife. Whatever you decide, please take care of your wife. I mean, don't just dump her now, when she and the new baby need you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts