Is it ever acceptable to cheat?

[Lanapalace]

Hi, I have been married for almost 10 years. My husband is an attractive, flirtatious man, working in a professional atmosphere, where he puts in many hours. We have 2 children. Our marriage has been difficult from the beginning, with arguing and a general inability to ever come to basic agreements about how things should be. He is not afffectionate unless he wants to have sex. He has a strong desire to control everything, and I have always been a fairly independent person. He has at times gotten somewhat aggressive, even violent with me, but never in front of the children, and he is never violent toward them. On the contrary, they think he is wonderful.

 

I have for years suspected him of having affairs or flings for a multitude of reasons. I have stayed home with the children, taking care of them and gaining weight, drowning my sorrows in food and soda. I left him for a week back in June after he pulled my hair and screamed in my face so close he was literally biting my nose as he spoke. He has not behaved like that since, but I have for years, and still do sense a general disgust, dissatisfaction that he has with me, although he will not admit it. I have asked him for a divorce numerous times, but he has promisted to make it as difficult as possible for me if I try to divorce him - not threatening violence, but threatening to withold finances and to try to get custody of our children, just to spite me.

 

I have been with this man since I was 21, married when I was 26, and now I am 36.

 

Lately, although it is against my religious and moral beliefs, I find myself wanting to have an affair. I am an attractive, friendly and likeable person. I have allowed myself to gain some amount of weight, which I could easily lose, and I have held back on being friendly to men in general because I have known for a long time that I was susceptible to having an affair because of the lack of love and affection in my marriage.

 

My children are young and I don't want to disrupt their lives. Yet right now I feel so alone and like what is left of my life as an attractive woman is wasting away. I plan to probably leave my husband when my children are a little older, maybe in 5 years or so, but how do I get through these years? I have lately been scanning the internet and considering men who might be likely candidates. I'm scared of getting caught, though.

 

Is it ever acceptable to have an affair to help you get through something like this. Yes, I have tried masturbation and fantasy and yes I do have a lot of friends. And I have tried everything I can think of to get my husband to work on our marriage. He will not even wear his wedding ring, though I have asked him to repeatedly.

 

All I can tell you is, friends are great, but you don't have a physical relationship with your friends. It's not just about sex, it is about being understood, being appreciated, and hearing another person share their thoughts and feelings as well. We have been to counselling several years ago. Three counsellors recommended that I should get a divorce. I do love my husband, believe it or not. I just am so lonely and miserable.

[cindy0039]

Based on everything you said in your post, my advice would be to get a divorce. Having an affair will only make things worse, not better.

[red-rose-in-winter]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. You deserve so much better. You sound like you have a kind heart. I agree with Cindy0039, a divorce would be the best thing you could do for yourself and your kids. If your husband is acting violent towards you, the kids do not need to be exposed to such actions even if it is indirectly (not in front of them).

Having an affair would only complicate the situation by bringing in another person. You should make a clean break from your husband. I wish I could give you more advice. I wish you the best of luck on whatever you decide!!!

[bark]

If I understand correctly, you would prefer an affair at this time in your family's life because your

 

"children are young and you don't want to disrupt their lives."

 

That's because you're in the not uncommon situation where the man in your life is a rotten husband but a great father. It happens.

 

So you want to compromise: to protect the kids you'll stay married to their good father and to protect yourself you'll cheat on your rotten husband.

 

Your solution does have a certain balance. If divorce should be a last, not first, resort, especially when young kids are involved, maybe you should risk a very, very discreet affair. I'm concerned, however, that if you're discovered things might get dangerous given your husband's alleged temper. I would be very, very careful.

 

Perhaps the less risky solution is to get the hell out of the marriage. Your children might benefit from a divorced mom who is happy and has regained her self-esteem. I opt for divorce--it's less risky and a surer solution than an affair. I'd get out from under his shadow.

[lipglossboost]

Originally posted by bark

I'm concerned, however, that if you're discovered things might get dangerous given your husband's alleged temper. Perhaps the less risky solution is to get the hell out of the marriage. Your children might benefit from a divorced mom who is happy and has regained her self-esteem.

 

 

Both very good points ... if your husband is violent, is it not best to leave him anyway? Regardless of whether anyone else is involved? Or do you not feel that you are string enough to do it alone?

 

I would never recommend and affair, to anyone. I have been on both sides of that coin, and neither is a good side to be on. Everyone gets hurt. And what if you did have an affair, and became pregnant? It's just too tricky a situation.

 

Most people end up in affairs because they fall out of love with their partner and in love with someone else. This sounds to me as if you are looking for trouble. Don't go looking for someone to cheat with. Deal with the situation with your husband, either in counseling or through divorce, and move forward with your life. Your children will respect you for it, and most importantly, you will respect yourself.

[yes]

divorce doesnt mean he can't be a dad to his children, right? they just won't live together anymore.

 

also, i think kids sense easily when their parents' relationship has gone sour, and so it does them no good anyway. i personally know some ppl whose parents stayed together "for the kids", and the kids say they wish their parents divorced and stopped acting out a marriage.

 

just some thoughts.

 

best of luck,

-yes

[Lanapalace]

I truly appreciate all of you giving my post your thought and answers. It really helps to get some other points of view. I am surprised not to have been bashed by anyone for even thinking of such a thing! When we are young it all seems so cut and dry doesn't it?

 

I think at this point I am backing off from the idea of having an affair. I think it did me good to at least think about it though, and to know that if I wanted to, I could. Instead, I am going on an all-out information search. I really need to talk to someone with experience in this area. I have decided that since my husband refuses a divorce, I am going to rock the boat until something changes. But in the meantime, I'm going to get a really good life preserver just in case - that being information. I need to be armed with as much information about what the laws are regarding abuse, custody, etc.

 

As ridiculous as this sounds, I have been pretending to myself that things are not as bad as they are. Today I talked to a good friend who I have known for almost 15 years. She really helped me put things into perspective and made me see that even some things I have made light of are serious. I am almost positive my husband has been having affairs for years. I have nothing concrete so I never could use that as a reason to divorce him. I can, however, use the physical abuse as a reason. (See, in my mind I have to have a concrete, tangible, blatant, blazing reason before I can do this).

 

Anyway, tonight he will still be out of town, so I am making my list (of things I need to get in order) and checking it twice and when Monday gets here, I will be calling and making appointments.

 

I may post back if I feel my resolve slipping, and I will definitely post back with the information I get, in case it might help someone in a similar situation.

 

You are all very, very kind people. Thank you for not judging me.

[lipglossboost]

Please do let us know how you are. Make sure you have a safe place for you and your children to go, in case you need to leave quickly.

 

You can never have too much information. Please keep us posted!

 

*hugs*

[moonspinner]

"pulled my hair and screamed in my face"

 

 

Please do everything and anything to keep you and your children safe.

 

Then seek the help and support needed to bring all self-destructive behavior (entertaining the thought of an affair included) to a screeching halt.

 

Good Luck to you.

[GuitarScho]

You are married to an abusive husband, but want to put off leaving until your "children are a little older".

 

You are a "fairly independent person" who remains married to a man with a "strong desire to control everything".

 

Lastly, despite your "religious and moral beliefs, I find myself wanting to have an affair."

 

Lana, all of these are symptoms of self-destuctive behavior. Get yourself some help, and get yourself and your children somewhere safe. You have done nothing to deserve the punishment you are inflicting on yourself, and, by extension, your children.

 

Please let us know how this all turns out for you.

 

- GS

[BROKENHEARTEDONE]

Lana:

 

 

You seem like such a nice person. I feel so bad that your husband doesn't treat you well. I watched my mother be physically abused at the hands of my biological father who later killed himself when I was seven years old. The abuse started slowly and with a little shove here, a pinch there, but only escalated. You should leave while you still can. At one point when I was four years old, I watched my father try to strangle my mother.

 

I speak from experience when I say that affairs can only complicate the situation. You deserve someone who loves you and treats you well. Keep doing your homework and work toward getting out of that relationship. Your kids will be better off with a happy mom who feels good about herself. They need to see a strong woman with self-respect, not a woman who is at the receiving end of her husband's poor treatment.

 

Surround yourself with friends, family and people who love you. You can get through it. You've already started on your way! Best of luck to you.

[DragonflyX]

NO

[bark]

Is it ever acceptable to have an affair to help you get through something like this.

 

 

 

Yes. We're all human. Go for it.

[moimeme]

quote:Is it ever acceptable to have an affair to help you get through something like this.

 

Yes. We're all human. Go for it.

 

Um. NO.

 

As just about everybody else has said, the advice in these cases is: Get divorced. Then schtup however many people you want. However an affair will not help the situation and will likely cause you only more trouble and grief. Get out of your relationship first. It's the decent thing to do.

[meanon]

Divorce is a much healthier option but as to the morality of having an affair in a situation like this I am suprised anyone would feel in a position to judge. It takes courage to leave an abuser and the abuse saps that courage. When your physical safety is threatened and you feel unable to fight back you are entitled to trangress another's rights to defend yourself. This is the principle underlying the concept of a right to self defense. Of course it would be better to get out of this relationship on your own but if you can't the bottom line is that you do get out inflicting as little damage as possible. If there is damage (fall out from an affair, children missing dad etc) this is not your fault. You did your best, you did not cause this situation. Best of luck

[bark]

Well stated, meanon. You correctly observed that, in rare situations, which this may be one, an affair can be morally justified as a form of self-defense. Sometimes the knee jerk "affairs are always bad" response totally misses the nuances of particular situations.

 

In rare instances an affair, like murder, can be justified as a form of self-defense. I suspect we're both more interested in Lanaplace's survival as an individual than we are in her honoring marriage vows in this particular marriage.

[moimeme]

When your physical safety is threatened and you feel unable to fight back you are entitled to trangress another's rights to defend yourself

 

You are both missing the point. This not about judgement. It is about the fact that affairs are seldom the life-giving boons you seem to think they are. They can be even more draining and upsetting than the troubled marriage. Why bring two sets of grief upon oneself? Who's to say that one will choose a wonderful human being with which to have an affair? This board is awash in tales of people who have been deceived and crushed by the people with whom they have had affairs.

 

I think it is worse than foolish to embark on an affair when you are already in a troubled relationship. The very last thing you need in that situation is ANOTHER troubled relationship!!!!!!!!

 

I think some people have glowy movie-ideal images about what affairs really are like. It's as silly as having glowy movie-ideal images of marriage.

[meanon]

Thanks Moimeme:

 

The reference to decency in your post implies a moral judgement so your clarification is helpful, especially given this:

Thank you for not judging me

 

I had a friend who could not leave an abusive marriage even though she knew it was the right thing to do. She had several affairs. They were all troubled, sad and damaging but they gave her the emotional intimacy she needed to survive - I simply don't think she would have otherwise. No-one on this thread (including Lanapalace) has said that affairs are a panacea. All have said that leaving the marriage is better. I agree that affairs are usually damaging I just don't share your certainty that they are wrong in every set of circumstances. Human behaviour is more complex than this in my experience.

[bark]

I agree that affairs are usually damaging I just don't share your certainty that they are wrong in every set of circumstances. Human behavior is more complex than this in my experience.

 

 

meanon, that's exactly my position although I've been crucified for stating it on LS. Anytime a situational ethic is applied, and an attempt is made to explain or, heaven forbid, justify an affair, depending on the circumstances, these boards erupt with a heavenly chorus of pious pronouncements of moral absolutes: all affairs are bad; all people who cheat are selfish, immature and cruel; all advocates of a more sensitive or nuanced approach to judging affairs are morally challenged. It goes on and on.

 

And heaven help the poster who advocates a more tolerant approach when he or she has had the temerity to have an affair and the courage to admit it on these boards. I'm still picking up my body pieces.

 

Thanks for your refreshing sensitivity and candor.

[quankanne]

these boards erupt with a heavenly chorus of pious pronouncements of moral absolutes

 

well, there is that, but I think some of the posters were thinking more along the lines that she wouldn't find the emotional satisfaction she was hoping for in an affair, and one person pointed out something even more important: because her husband is the abusive sort, an affair could be deadly.

 

honey, don't stoop to his level (you said you suspected he was having affairs himself), you're better than that, I guarantee. The fact that you questioned the impulse rather than acting on it tells me that you're someone of pretty high calibre.

 

the best thing you can do is inform yourself, as you've already figured out. Look for a safe bolt-hole for you and the kids so that if the sh*t does hit the fan and your life is in danger, you know where to go.

 

frankly, he doesn't sound like he deserved as wife as loving or forgiving as you, and you definitely deserve better than what he'll ever be able to give you.

 

good luck, and keep us posted, okay?

[meanon]

Thanks for your refreshing sensitivity and candor.

 

Thanks Bark

 

Sorry to hear of your negative experience with LS. I'm fairly new and am hooked!

[Bronzepen]

I guess we agree to disagree on infidelity. I believe there is no reason or justification for cheating on someone you love or falling out of love. If you are having problems or suffering from lack of emotional support from your spouse, loved one or significant other then you should go to counseling, whether together or by yourself if your spouse does not want to go. If counseling doesn't work then get a divorce. Please do not involve your children by saying that you can't leave because of them. Or that you are cheating to keep the children happy by knowing that their parents are still together and you are fulfilling your emotional need. Cheating is a selfish act. Your not thinking about anyone, not even your children but only yourself. Set an example to your children. Don't do anything that you wouldn't want them to do. There is nothing shameful about getting a divorce. It is very embarrassing and shamefull if you cheat. Nothing good comes from it. No dignity in that. Don't do it.

[bark]

Well stated, Bronzepen.

[lostforwords]

In some instances ive seen where people have had affairs whether they were torrid or not is besides the point, however.... the affair was all they needed to give them that extra push to see what an azz they have as a spouse.... im not advocating an affair you certainly need to understand it can be devastating, however it gave them the self esteem they needed, the pick me up... the leverage to show their spouse that all of their self worth was not stomped on.... yes affairs open doors to many problems however dont see with just rose colored glasses either..... an affair serves as not only self gratification but also as well the strength to see that yes you can find someone else.... whether it be long term or short term..... no matter how you look at it..... it can be a self esteem booster in some people (NOT ALL). im not saying all people have affairs because of this; and trust me your going to see endless posts and self righteousnous as to why you SHOULDNT, its great as well that some people give their insights as to the WHOLE picture that would be affected, however granted unless one has walked in yoru shoes... but only YOU know what you want to do..... Im sure your more than a careful woman just as im sure you know what the outcome could possibly be, consequences etc..... however...... what you lack is strength, self esteem, and self worth...... and you staying in your marriage that you have chosen to stay in is not going to change you but maybe for the worst.... while your gathering your information to leave him and get a divorce and i truly hope you carry on thru with it but if indeed you do feel like you cant donot be ashamed to try and get yoru self worth back, your self esteem you do what you can to build it up... if it means having an affair so be it, lose weight etc..... but do see that not all people live with rose colored glasses on and that some people are open minded and see ALL aspects of life and that not all of us are here to judge you...... if you do chose to have an affair, that does not make you a monster it only means you are human.

[Bronzepen]

I fail to see how cheating can be a self esteem booster. How can anyone feel good about themselves after cheating? Does anyone own a shirt that says on it "I cheat and I am proud of it!"? Or a bumper sticker that says "I brake for infedelity" or "Adultery or Bust". How about a Chicken Soup for the Soul book on dishonesty in a relationship? Hmmm?

 

Look, I am all for self improvement, as long as, no one gets hurt When you cheat you hurt a lot of people that are close to you, not to mention your spouse. Hence, the selfish part of doing it. Can't see anyone walking with their head up high. No dignity in that.

 

If you want to feel better, leave you husband. You'll see a great improvement in your state of being and emotional turmoil. I kid you not.