Bad news

[Katherineos123]

So my semi-long distance boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. Ever since we started this relationship, he has been telling me how he has been planning on moving closer to me come September.

 

He has been interning at a fire house in his home town, and he tells me this morning, that they have offered to pay for his trainings and give him a job (something he has always wanted) So he has pretty much told me that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and he doesnt know if he can pass it up, meaning he doesnt know if he can now move up here.

 

I know I should be supportive of him, but I am just so sad and dissappointed. I have been waiting for this day since we got together. And now Im not even sure if its going to happen! I just dont know if Im strong enough to do this much longer. The distance already kills us....

 

Im just devastated.

[Lovin a scrapper]

Are you not in a position to move?

[Katherineos123]

No. I really cant move. Im a social worker, and where he lives, theres no work for me as opposed to the city. He is also currently living at his parents house, and I wouldnt be able to afford housing in this area on my own... So me moving to him isnt really much of an option...

 

Im trying to be supportive. But how can you be supportive of someone who just broke your heart?

[Thaddeus]

Im trying to be supportive. But how can you be supportive of someone who just broke your heart?

This is a very, very tough situation to be in.

 

He's to be commended for taking responsibility for his career and taking advantage of a tremendous opportunity when it's offered. But yea, it sucks when it doesn't correspond with your original plans.

 

This is exactly the sort of thing that I mean when I say that a relationship is only one part of a man's life and only in very rare circumstances is the relationship the #1 priority.

 

All that said, from the tone of your note it sounds like he's committed to both you and his career. If that means you'll have to remain in an LDR for a while longer, well, it sucks but that's just the way it's going to have to be.

 

After all, you wouldn't want a man with little or no career drive, would you? Unfortunately, there are often major compromises that have to be made in a relationship. This type is one of them.

 

I wish you all the best.

[DustySaltus]

How long of a distance is it between you? Mine was 5000 miles and I was in the same situation (although there are many other issues with my previous relationship). I was offered a job that I agreed to put off for a year and she decided that she wanted me to put it off permanently. It sounds like Thaddeus said, he loves you AND his career. Social workers are needed everywhere and so are fireman. If you really love him continue the LDR with a plan in the next 3-6 months...give it a deadline. If things don't progress in that time, I hate to say it but you may need to move on.

[somuchpain]

I dont think she should move on becuase of this, i think no matter how hard it gets, if hes willing to stick at it with you, then so should you, becuase if you really want to be with him then one day things will work out so you can, maybe not as soon as you would have hoped, but you should hold onto him through all the **** and do everything and anything to one day be with him..

 

 

seb x

[DustySaltus]

See, I disagree...you can't just have an "open ended period of time"..otherwise you will end up in a situation like me where a year and a half later, after you get ENGAGED to that person, they drop a bomb on you that they don't want to go anywhere. I moved to Israel for someone and it didn't work out because they wouldn't live up to their end of the bargain....don't wait a year to finds this out, your feelings will be 100 times stronger and the pain you are feeling now will be a lot worse, come up with a plan.

[somuchpain]

Ok, i suppose your right, i guess the best thing to do is just to talk it out with him, see wht he really feels about it all, and if hes gonna take up this career opertunity, then that meens he will be there for a long time, he wont be going anywhere, so maybe you could wait untill there is work in that area, and with his career and your job im sure youd be just fine, for me personally id wait any length of time, and i understand it must sting tht your original plans have been crushed, but you should build new ones, opertunitys come and go. Hes landed a good career, and if one day you could find work there, then you would be fine. Just becuase theres no work now, dosnt meen it will be like that forever.

 

sebx

[Island Girl]

See, I disagree...you can't just have an "open ended period of time"..otherwise you will end up in a situation like me where a year and a half later, after you get ENGAGED to that person, they drop a bomb on you that they don't want to go anywhere.

 

You can have an open ended period of time and still have it work out.

Still have an eventual plan of being together - but not knowing when that will actually happen.

 

It does work out for some but you have to have a really strong relationship - I emphasize STRONG (not only together but individually).

And you have to have complete honesty, vulnerability, OPEN communication, and TRUST.

 

Katherineos123 - What does he think about this decision and how it effects the relationship? How does he see overcoming the distance issues?

And how far apart are you?

 

You say there has already been problems. I'm going to see if there are threads that detail this that I can catch up on...I think I remember posting to a couple of them...?

[Els]

If you were me and I was free to make my own plans, what I would do is:

 

1. Continue LDR with visits in between until both of us have spent more time together and are very committed. 9 months is a bit short to be making life-changing plans IMO.

 

2. Ask him what he feels about moving out of his parents' house. Assuming he has the finances to do so of course... but shouldn't any permanent job pay enough for that?

 

3. If he's agreeable, I would quit my job and go to his place and stay with him first while seeking an alternative job there. There may not be jobs for 'social workers' but there surely are related jobs. If it works out then great; if not then I'll just consider that I had a nice sabbatical with a man I love, and I'll return to my old place and job. This is of course assuming you don't have anything tying you down like a new house with payments, parents you need to take care of, etc. Also I don't exactly like my line of work, so I suppose that influences it some.

 

There are of course so many factors that can contribute to your decision, this is just an example, so it doesn't look like the end of the world to you.

[Bayern]

Maybe you can spend more money traveling to see each other now? He will have more money to do so.

 

Maybe once he gets some paid experience he can try to come into the city where you live and get a position in the fire department. That way he can save up some cash and get experience to help him get a job. Then you can both afford a small place together in a couple years or so.

[Lovin a scrapper]

If you were me and I was free to make my own plans, what I would do is:

 

1. Continue LDR with visits in between until both of us have spent more time together and are very committed. 9 months is a bit short to be making life-changing plans IMO.

 

2. Ask him what he feels about moving out of his parents' house. Assuming he has the finances to do so of course... but shouldn't any permanent job pay enough for that?

 

3. If he's agreeable, I would quit my job and go to his place and stay with him first while seeking an alternative job there. There may not be jobs for 'social workers' but there surely are related jobs. If it works out then great; if not then I'll just consider that I had a nice sabbatical with a man I love, and I'll return to my old place and job. This is of course assuming you don't have anything tying you down like a new house with payments, parents you need to take care of, etc. Also I don't exactly like my line of work, so I suppose that influences it some.

 

There are of course so many factors that can contribute to your decision, this is just an example, so it doesn't look like the end of the world to you.

 

I agree with you Elswyth. Nice post.

 

There are a few choices that they both could make. Im going to give up a position that I have worked hard and long for to achieve to move to her but she is worth giving that up for. Sometimes its worth the risk. Especially to be with your soulmate and the love of your life.

[Katherineos123]

Thank you everyone so much for your replies. This forum has helped me so much throughout this relationship, and everyone here gives such good advice.... I mean, I NEVER thought Id be the long distance type!

 

I talked to him last night for a while. And we both opened up about what this means for us as a couple. He said he was really disappointed but that he obviously couldnt pass this up, I told him I support him and understand. We both said that we have no choice but to make it work.

 

I was under the impression that since this particular fire house is sponsoring his training that he would be tied down to working for them for a given amount of time after the training is finished. Well, it tuns out thats not true. The training lasts from September till mid December, and then after that, he's free to look for work wherever he wants. So, he will be moving to Boston come January. So, its just going to be a small kink in the chain.

 

Thaddeus: There is no doubt in my mind that he is DEFINITELY committed to both me and his career. And you are exactly right. A guy with ambition, may be a little more challenging for us now, but would I want to be dating a guy who would just sit there and let life pass him by? Hell naw! I admire his drive... Thank you for putting some much needed perspective on this.

 

Dusty: Im so sorry to hear about your expirience. That is terrible. Sometimes it takes a long time for people that you thought you knew to show their true colors.... sounds like this ex of yours was a snake in the grass.... Lucky for me, we were able to put a deadline on this...

 

SoMuchPain: Im with you. If someone is willing to stick out the difficult times with me, I should show them the same respect. Unless someone gives me a REAL reason to break up with them, I dont give up on people that easily, especially when they have my heart... its just not in my nature.... Hence, the social work.... I mean, I would never forgive myself for dumping someone simply because theyre trying to better themselves and reach their goals, how selfish is that?

 

Island: You certainly have posted on some of my other threads, much to my appreciation. You and your husband are like the poster children of long distance! I admire you both so much! We're not that far apart, about 2-3 hours, but we still go weeks sometimes without seeing each other... and as soon as he starts traning, this is going to be much more difficult. Im sure this seems like small potatos compared to you! haha But it has still been really difficult when all you want to do is come home and see that person and you cant.... Its that day to day intimacy that I want. I mean, we talk everyday, several times a day, and we skype and everything, but its just not the same....

 

Elswyth: I agree, 9 months is not that long... but we werent planning on moving in together... he was going to get his own apartment in the city where I live... so its not THAT big of a step! Moving to where he is wouldnt really be plausible. You see, he lives on Cape Cod... a vacation community which basically SHUTS DOWN in the winter... there really would be NO such work for me there... Its a ghost town! Haha.

 

Bayern: Thats the plan, once he gets this traning done. He should be able to find work up here... It may not be easy, because getting into a fire house is NOT an easy thing to do, but we're hoping!

 

Thanks again for taking the time to respond to my post. It looks like this is the best possible outcome of a bittersweet situation... Im incredibly proud of him, and a couple of months is going to FLY by... so Im going to stay positive about it... He even told me last night "We're going to look back on this on our 50 anniversary and laugh about how upset we were over a matter of months!" THAT was when I started crying! Good tears of course...

[somuchpain]

Im really happy for you, and good to hear everything will work out for you guys:) just stick it out and everything will work out just how you want it to. Best of luck to the both of you, we all go through this pain for a reason:)

 

seb x

[Lovin a scrapper]

I love happy endings!!!!

[amerikajin]

I know I'm a bit late, but I ended up reading this thread because I will soon end up being in a similar situation.

 

I think the key is to be patient. I've had more than one LDR. Some worked better than others, but the one thing I learned that you should not do is to rush to meet some artificial timeline. I'm not saying you shouldn't expect progress, but it's the progress you have to look at, not dates on the calendar. And you also have to be flexible.

 

In a lot cases, staying because of a job would be an excuse not to move in with you but in this case, he's trying to advance his career. I learned the hard way that a man's career is important (as is a woman's). Being a good partner means being a supportive partner. I think you should be supportive of his career opportunity. Maybe you guys can think of another game plan in which you agree to meet each other half way. Maybe find a community where you both can get a good job and build your careers. I'm sure you both have transferable skills.

[Katherineos123]

I know I'm a bit late, but I ended up reading this thread because I will soon end up being in a similar situation.

 

I think the key is to be patient. I've had more than one LDR. Some worked better than others, but the one thing I learned that you should not do is to rush to meet some artificial timeline. I'm not saying you shouldn't expect progress, but it's the progress you have to look at, not dates on the calendar. And you also have to be flexible.

 

In a lot cases, staying because of a job would be an excuse not to move in with you but in this case, he's trying to advance his career. I learned the hard way that a man's career is important (as is a woman's). Being a good partner means being a supportive partner. I think you should be supportive of his career opportunity. Maybe you guys can think of another game plan in which you agree to meet each other half way. Maybe find a community where you both can get a good job and build your careers. I'm sure you both have transferable skills.

 

Thanks for the response! Better late than never, and Ill take all the opinions I can get...

 

Since Ive posted this, things have gone pretty well. Its still a very difficult situation. Im incredibly proud of him, and I would never forgive myself if he passed up this opportunity simply because I was disappointed. So needless to say, Im trying my hardest to stay positive for him and be supportive, even though deep down, Im very sad....

 

I agree with you in that there is no need to meet an "artificial timeline" and this is something Im trying to get used to. However, we DID have a REAL timeline, and as a result of this new opportunity... it has gotten... extended.

 

He was never supposed to move IN with ME. Merely, move to the same city as me... We have only been dating for about 9 months or so, so although I eventually see us living together, we both agreed that it was too soon to look for an apartment together... And that maybe we should give the Tri-City area a shot first

 

I love this guy a lot. And I know he feels the same way. And things are SOOO good when we're together. Its just that sometimes I feel neglected as a result of the distance, and both of our busy schedules/social lives... And as soon as he starts the Fire Traning, his free time is going to be virtually nonexistent. I think we just have different needs when it comes to intamacy. I personally, am a love bug, I CRAVE affection. Its my favorite thing in the world, and since I cant get that PHYSICAL affection from him all the time, I need him to express it VERBALLY. And to be honest, he's not very good at that... although I know he tries... Sometimes I just feel like Im the one putting all the effort into this... trying to keep the spark alive...

 

But the way I figure it, if we can get through this, then everything else is going to seem like smooth sailing afterwards.... I just have to learn to better deal with my own neediness in the meantime....