NOTSURE7 Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 ok so most of you know my story almost 2 weeks since dday(i confessed)..i have been thinking about this so called phase of hysterical bonding. my W and i have had sex for 12 days straight now,it has been intense,excting and intimate.she seems to crave it even more than me,so i know this is the hysterical bonding phase. so my question to everyone out there is, does hysterical bonding have to only be a phase or can it be a springboard into helping couple grow and reclaim there M after the A?..has anyone gone through the hysterical bonding phase and had it just contimue as normal?..i am just curious about this whole "phase" because it seems so intimate and normal and makes us so happy being together that im wondering if it always just ends. Link to post Share on other sites
aeh Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 As a BS, who was just writing about hysterical bonding 2 weeks ago, I can tell you that now that the anger has set in more, some of that has stopped. Definitely still having it more than usual, okay, daily, but there for awhile it was 2 or 3 times a day...initiated by me! Link to post Share on other sites
aeh Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Also, it's not quite as "hysterical" anymore. Not as frenzied, passionate as it was on my side was just two weeks ago. Part of it is the images that have set in and the anger that results. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 As a BS, who was just writing about hysterical bonding 2 weeks ago, I can tell you that now that the anger has set in more, some of that has stopped. Definitely still having it more than usual, okay, daily, but there for awhile it was 2 or 3 times a day...initiated by me! ok so the anger set in, i of course get that but you are still having sex daily? we arent having sex 2-3 times daily but every night we are making time for us and it has really ben amazing. so i am trying to see if this is indeed a phase or if this will ultimately help us and can it continue even as you work through the many issues in repairing a marriage after the A Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I'm not familiar with the term "hysterical bonding" so I did a quick search and came up with this page. A brief search through the page took me to this:There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.I've added the emphasis. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 LOL Notsure, are you afraid that all of this wonderful sex you have been having will just disappear? For us, it became not so "hysterical" but it did result in us having a much improved sex life and greater intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 The process, IMO, is predicated by at least one party remaining emotionally attached. So, if that party is the BS, then, with a lot of work and some hysterical bonding, it's possible to clear the fog from the WS mind and begin to work on the M. If the attachment is in the WS but not the BS, ouch... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I think the term "hysterical bonding" is self-defeating, in that it makes the spouse the WS betrayed, into less than rationally human. Change your perception into something more appreciative and you might be able to save your marriage. Retain this thought process and you might as well separate now. I can only say that after D-day and ever after, the thought of ever having sex with my ex-WS, was a disgusting thought. I honestly don't understand this "hysterical bonding" phase and as you've probably figured out, we're permanently divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 LOL Notsure, are you afraid that all of this wonderful sex you have been having will just disappear? For us, it became not so "hysterical" but it did result in us having a much improved sex life and greater intimacy. lol, no not like that, i feel like it is bringing us closer together,we have sex and then we lay together and talk and have true intimacy so yes i guess in a way i do want it to continue, but i am more trying to gain the perspective if does it just go away or can it continue and become the staple for your future,reinvented M. I dont think of it as hysterical,it actually feels normal and right,i feel like it is helping us both to not only be intimate but to be together and talking and bonding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 The process, IMO, is predicated by at least one party remaining emotionally attached. So, if that party is the BS, then, with a lot of work and some hysterical bonding, it's possible to clear the fog from the WS mind and begin to work on the M. If the attachment is in the WS but not the BS, ouch... if i am understanding what you are saying correctly then the fact that i being the ws have cleared the fog already is a good thing and that this must be on the part of the bs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 I think the term "hysterical bonding" is self-defeating, in that it makes the spouse the WS betrayed, into less than rationally human. Change your perception into something more appreciative and you might be able to save your marriage. Retain this thought process and you might as well separate now. I can only say that after D-day and ever after, the thought of ever having sex with my ex-WS, was a disgusting thought. I honestly don't understand this "hysterical bonding" phase and as you've probably figured out, we're permanently divorced. see this is exactly my point, why does it have to be labeled as a phase,my W and i are enjoying eachother once again,we are having amazing intimacy, which leads to talking and laying together and open honest communications,we are happy being together and appreciating eachother and the closeness this so called phase has brought us. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 if i am understanding what you are saying correctly then the fact that i being the ws have cleared the fog already is a good thing and that this must be on the part of the bs.I'm saying you're fortunate that the BS is still emotionally attached, if my theory is correct. Glad to hear the fog is clearing. Clarity is a good thing. Be aware that fog is a fluid medium and can be patchy. Keep your headlights on. I wish you well in your rebuilding process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 I'm saying you're fortunate that the BS is still emotionally attached, if my theory is correct. Glad to hear the fog is clearing. Clarity is a good thing. Be aware that fog is a fluid medium and can be patchy. Keep your headlights on. I wish you well in your rebuilding process. yes i agree with you, she is definetely still atatched, i know that for sure and in return i am feeling the love again that i thought was lost.thats why i dont want this to be just a "phase" yes the fog has cleared but of course i know i must stay on guard and keep the headlights on at all times. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 ..i am just curious about this whole "phase" because it seems so intimate and normal and makes us so happy being together that im wondering if it always just ends. I always thought of hysterical bonding as some sort of chore shoved on the MM for him to satisfy a desperate woman that they don't have any lust for. Kind of like, oh no, here we go again... Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 see this is exactly my point, why does it have to be labeled as a phase,my W and i are enjoying eachother once again, Well, I am sure that you and your W enjoyed lots of sex in the beginning of your relationship, years ago, right? It's like that -- a bonding time again. What happened in YOUR case to slow down the sex, initially? Try avoid that this time... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 see this is exactly my point, why does it have to be labeled as a phase,my W and i are enjoying eachother once again,we are having amazing intimacy, which leads to talking and laying together and open honest communications,we are happy being together and appreciating eachother and the closeness this so called phase has brought us.Open, honest communication is important. So is intimacy and so is sex. I separate the two since the they're not synonymous, although many people confuse one for the other. Good luck and enjoy it. Make sure you also do your part to fuel the marriage. For many but not all women, sex starts in the brain, but we can be intimate without it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 Well, I am sure that you and your W enjoyed lots of sex in the beginning of your relationship, years ago, right? It's like that -- a bonding time again. What happened in YOUR case to slow down the sex, initially? Try avoid that this time... the sex and our connection and closeness was slowed down by having children, we were always great parents together and i took care of her but we never made time for us, the intimacy was lacking and me being a huge conflict avoider just never brought it up and it became the norm, we never had date nights,never layed close together in bed,never really held hands, etc etc....again not an excuse for what i did but just facts, so now in the early stages we are doing these things again like we di early on,so i am again hoping its not just a "phase".. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 Open, honest communication is important. So is intimacy and so is sex. I separate the two since the they're not synonymous, although many people confuse one for the other. Good luck and enjoy it. Make sure you also do your part to fuel the marriage. For many but not all women, sex starts in the brain, but we can be intimate without it. we are doing lots of other things besides the sex, we are talking and holding one another, i am letting her get her emotions out and ask questions but this intimacy part and being together on every level has really helped, personally i dont see it just being a phase and i beleive it will contimue as the norm, i am not saying making love every night will contimue but i beleive the intimacy we are now establishing will not just fade away as some "phase"... Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 lol, no not like that, i feel like it is bringing us closer together,we have sex and then we lay together and talk and have true intimacy so yes i guess in a way i do want it to continue, but i am more trying to gain the perspective if does it just go away or can it continue and become the staple for your future,reinvented M. I dont think of it as hysterical,it actually feels normal and right,i feel like it is helping us both to not only be intimate but to be together and talking and bonding. I think that you should enjoy and appreciate what you and your wife are building now. I think it CAN springboard your marriage into a better sex life and more intimacy. I think what most posters want you to understand is that for your wife, mixed in with the passion and the bonding there is probaly some hurt and fear. Now depending on how your reconciation goes, the fear and hurt will subside and the passion and the bonding remain and yes, I think it CAN become a staple in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 so now in the early stages we are doing these things again like we di early on,so i am again hoping its not just a "phase".. I think the real question here is, when is this going to end. Especially coming from someone that posted this "last month:" this brings me to present day, me and this other woman talk all day everyday, when i am not with her i am thinking about her,if i am home and i get the chance i write her,we are together physically and mentally, i belive she is my true soulmate and i often wonder why she was brought to me at this point in my life..i cant and wont end it with this woman unless she ends it with me,i need her in my life.. she makes me feel so alive,she gets me and i can picture being with her forever But if the OP can work on his marriage and gain all the passion that was missing for the past several years, then it'd be a great thing for his family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 I think that you should enjoy and appreciate what you and your wife are building now. I think it CAN springboard your marriage into a better sex life and more intimacy. I think what most posters want you to understand is that for your wife, mixed in with the passion and the bonding there is probaly some hurt and fear. Now depending on how your reconciation goes, the fear and hurt will subside and the passion and the bonding remain and yes, I think it CAN become a staple in your marriage. yes i completely get that and i am not at all losing sight of the fact that she is feeling fear and hurt and all those other emotions. i know we still have a ton of work to do and that just having sex and intimacy is not the only answer.but i will say it is helping us immensely to be together and talking and bonding and it does feel like falling in love all over again. i just beleive that this will be more than just a phase as long as the rest of the proccess is handled in the proper way and most of all if we keep on working hard at rebuilding.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 I think the real question here is, when is this going to end. Especially coming from someone that posted this "last month:" But if the OP can work on his marriage and gain all the passion that was missing for the past several years, then it'd be a great thing for his family. i completely own up to all my past statements and i know people will doubt me, but i will say that since i made the very big step of revealing all to my w, went full nc and the fog from the A had cleared i am feeling differently now inside and i truly feel that i am rediscovering the passion and love i have for my w. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 i completely own up to all my past statements and i know people will doubt me, but i will say that since i made the very big step of revealing all to my w, went full nc and the fog from the A had cleared i am feeling differently now inside and i truly feel that i am rediscovering the passion and love i have for my w. That was a good thing that you told the truth to your wife. That will sure bring closeness and it seems she has forgiven you. Good luck with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 the sex and our connection and closeness was slowed down by having children, we were always great parents together and i took care of her but we never made time for us, the intimacy was lacking and me being a huge conflict avoider just never brought it up and it became the norm, we never had date nights,never layed close together in bed,never really held hands, etc etc....again not an excuse for what i did but just facts, so now in the early stages we are doing these things again like we di early on,so i am again hoping its not just a "phase".. It need not be! If anything, look at the extremely busy time of raising children out of their infancy as the phase here... and now you can go back to the norm of lots of sex, a close bond, & making each other first! Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 (...) personally i dont see it just being a phase and i beleive it will contimue as the norm, i am not saying making love every night will contimue but i beleive the intimacy we are now establishing will not just fade away as some "phase"... Exactly! It need not be a phase... it can be the norm, for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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