Hysterical Bonding- A Phase ?

[OFGnomore]

Thaddeus left this final paragraph off of this posting from the site,

 

"The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!"

 

There is a difference between support and skewing information. Being a realist and living a life and future based in reality, will get you the furthest in terms of healing and being authentic. I too am somewhat skeptical about your feelings because of what you emphatically stated 1 month ago about your OW.

 

Time, IMO, is the great equalizer.

[Athena]

I too am somewhat skeptical about your feelings because of what you emphatically stated 1 month ago about your OW.

 

 

Yes, but take into consideration that NS was in fantasy la la land then... talk about confusion, and about 'rethinking' things to try align some logic/sense into why your behavior does not match your thinking... he saw he was cheating with a MW, he altered his thinking as to WHY he was still doing it, because the pain of his guilt was too much...

[Ariadne]

Yes, but take into consideration that NS was in fantasy la la land then... talk about confusion, and about 'rethinking' things to try align some logic/sense into why your behavior does not match your thinking... he saw he was cheating with a MW, he altered his thinking as to WHY he was still doing it, because the pain of his guilt was too much...

 

No. He realized that he loved the OW, and the only reason he confessed to the W was to end the marriage, not because he wanted to work on the marriage.

 

Of course, then, he chickened out once he saw the reality hit him of what he was going to do.

 

Add that to the W's newfound love and desperation, and you have him asking when will this wonderful phase end, because he wants it to last forever...

 

But then, confused as he is, he'll most likely get closer to the W now, at least for a while, and be glad he stayed.

 

Most likely things with the OW would be a huge gamble, and probably not going to work either given the circumstances.

[Molley]

Hi NS7,

 

It's been over 4 months since d-day, my FWH was caught in a month long PA that started a month before as a EA. It seemed like right away after d-day we couldn't stop having sex... the more the better! To this day, our sex life is great, although it's not daily or several times a day... like it was for a while, it's at least several times a week and we really are enjoying it, having fun, like a husband an wife should... inside, outside... any place is good

 

However, I have to say that since d-day, my H, even though he claimed NC, communicating with the OW at least 3 times. After NC break #2, I kicked him out after 2 months of trying to work through things with him. He keep coming in and out of the fog, it was awful and I just couldn't handle it any longer. Once he came back, after a week... we were able to then really start on building our marriage back up. Still, since that time, he contact the OW one more time via email, true it was just a short little message, but he still did it and he confessed to it. I of couse when off the deep end and told him to either man up or get the H**L out of my life. So, he manned up, put his wedding ring back on and seemed to start working on himself, that was 7 weeks ago this Friday. The whole time, since around d-day, we've both been going to IC. About 3 weeks ago he finally seemed to come out of the fog and after over 4 months, I started recognizing the man I fell in love with 18 years ago.

 

Still, last Friday, he had a break down, crying, saying he felt like nothing has changed... but then he recongized that what we're going through is a process, good days and bad days... we move forward then it seems like we move back a few paces. YET... the whole time, we've continued with the great sex, so although the sex isn't everything, it's one piece that has helped us stay together and it's helped move us along when everything else seemed hopeless, keeping us connected.

 

Sex before the affair was not fun... no passion, could do without it. Then something triggered inside me and I now love it and have fun with it. At first I thought it was odd but then I realized no... as long as I'm having fun with it, this is for me, it makes me feel good, it connects me to my husband, so I shouldn't feel bad about having sex if I want to have it.

 

I do hope it will remain in our lives like it is now, maybe once all the pain is over and done with, it will be even better.

 

But... just be prepared that the fog may come back down for you, once the initial happiness and high of being out of the A is over. My husband went through horrible withdrawals and still thinks about the OW at times and we're still not any where near calling our marriage recovered. AND, my husbands affair only lasted a total of 2 months, if that. Just know that you can get through the bad parts, it takes time.

 

Best of luck to you and your wife. And be prepared to see your wife in horrible pain and anger in addition to great SEX.

[Ariadne]

I too am somewhat skeptical about your feelings because of what you emphatically stated 1 month ago about your OW.

 

He is probably more in love with the OW now, and craving for her more than ever because of the NC.

 

The only thing that is going to do, is to send him ballistic thinking about her, especially since he has to have sex everyday with the W.

 

Nobody forgets someone they think is their soulmate in a month..

[Ariadne]

last Friday, he had a break down, crying, saying he felt like nothing has changed... My husband went through horrible withdrawals and still thinks about the OW at times

 

But then you have the W's shoving and shoving, we have to work on this marriage, what we have is wonderful, we have to go to MC, we have to "fix this," etc, etc.

 

And the guy bends down and obbeys.

 

But then, such is life.. nothing is perfect, there is suffering, and so on and so forth.

[Molley]

But then you have the W's shoving and shoving, we have to work on this marriage, what we have is wonderful, we have to go to MC, we have to "fix this," etc, etc.

 

And the guy bends down and obbeys.

 

But then, such is life.. nothing is perfect, there is suffering, and so on and so forth.

 

Nope, haven't suggested MC, we're both in IC... We're both walking through this as adults realizing fully what's happened and just trying to make it work. yes, nothing's perfect and there is pain... although no shoving my H in any direction. We both need to feel that we want to be in this, otherwise the marriage will not be a good one.

 

But then... this isn't my thread, just wanted to add my experience for NS7.

[Ariadne]

Nope, haven't suggested MC, we're both in IC... We're both walking through this as adults realizing fully what's happened and just trying to make it work. yes, nothing's perfect and there is pain... although no shoving my H in any direction. We both need to feel that we want to be in this, otherwise the marriage will not be a good one.

 

But then... this isn't my thread, just wanted to add my experience for NS7.

 

Well, I have noticed that in general, the attitude of the wives is that they own their husbands.

 

It is me who you should love, you must forget that woman, you must go NC with her, you said your vows, you must be faithful and work on this marriage, we must go to MC, etc, etc, etc.

 

I consider that some sort of brain washing if I've ever seen one.

 

They think that men from one moment to the other will forget all about that other woman because they say so, and love them in an instant.

 

It doesn't work that way. People are conflicted and at the most they hide all those feelings not to upset the wife, and because they think they must.

[annieo]

Well, I have noticed that in general, the attitude of the wives is that they own their husbands.

 

It is me who you should love, you must forget that woman, you must go NC with her, you said your vows, you must be faithful and work on this marriage, we must go to MC, etc, etc, etc.

 

I consider that some sort of brain washing if I've ever seen one.

 

They think that men from one moment to the other will forget all about that other woman because they say so, and love them in an instant.

 

It doesn't work that way. People are conflicted and at the most they hide all those feelings not to upset the wife, and because they think they must.

 

It's not brainwashing, but it is an ultimatum. Stay here and let's try to heal us, or you need to go. I think it's fair play to make one in this kind of a situation. You can't live in limbo forever.

 

Unless the couple agree to an open marriage, the wandering spouse has to finally make a decision. And then be an active party to making things better.

 

Or, if they can't let go of the OW, then they have to go.

[Snowflower]

Ariadne, I'm sorry but I can't let what you are posting go.

 

Please quit projecting your situation and pain, whatever it is, onto others.

 

Sorry to disappoint but my husband felt NOTHING for the OW. Too bad for her. My husband's OW got used emotionally by my husband pretty badly but that's what she gets for getting involved with a MM.

 

As for the brainwashing and badgering that supposedly occurs by the wife, let me just say this. I told my cheating husband to go be with the other woman if he wanted to. I certainly didn't need him around if he didn't really want to be with me.

 

Please, let's get back to NS7, this is his thread after all.

[Ariadne]

It's not brainwashing, but it is an ultimatum. Stay here and let's try to heal us, or you need to go.

 

It's either A or B, and in my terms only.

 

Sorry to disappoint but my husband felt NOTHING for the OW.

 

Well, he probably felt a lot of lust for her..

 

And men, probably like the OP, feel obligated to do what the wife says and to disregard his feelings.

 

Not to say that the relationship with the OW will ever be a good one, for the most cases it won't, so I can't say is a bad thing after all.

[aeh]

Ariadne-

It's my WH begging to be given a second chance, not me begging him to stay or giving him orders! I said the same thing, "If you want to be with her, don't let the door hit you in the butt."

[PhoenixRise]

He is probably more in love with the OW now, and craving for her more than ever because of the NC.

 

The only thing that is going to do, is to send him ballistic thinking about her, especially since he has to have sex everyday with the W.

 

Nobody forgets someone they think is their soulmate in a month..

 

 

Really? OP said this somewhere in his posts? OP indicated that he feels forced to have sex with his wife everyday?

 

 

I thought he said he was completely finished with OW and had no desire to go back. I thought he said just a few posts back that he was enjoying the increased passion, sex, and intimacy with his wife and wanted to make it a staple in the marriage.

 

Nobody has said he has forgotten the OW, in fact OP has said that the affair with the OW was not worth the loss of his marriage.

 

Is the OP posting in some alternate universe where he has stated that he is feeling forced by his wife to do have sex or do anything else for that matter?

[PhoenixRise]

But then you have the W's shoving and shoving, we have to work on this marriage, what we have is wonderful, we have to go to MC, we have to "fix this," etc, etc.

 

And the guy bends down and obbeys.

 

But then, such is life.. nothing is perfect, there is suffering, and so on and so forth.

 

There really must be some alternate universe that OP is posting in where he feels forced to obey his wife and work on the marriage against his will.

 

From what I have read here, OP is trying everything he can think of to assure is wife that he loves her and WANTS to be with her. I have not seen one posts that indicates that he is bending down to obey. In fact OP has stated that HE is NOT groveling or trying to appease the W. He says he is telling her the truth about his feelings even if he knows it will hurt her.

 

I really need to find these alternate posts so I too can see the whole truth:rolleyes:

[PhoenixRise]

It's either A or B, and in my terms only.

 

 

 

Well, he probably felt a lot of lust for her..

 

And men, probably like the OP, feel obligated to do what the wife says and to disregard his feelings.

 

Not to say that the relationship with the OW will ever be a good one, for the most cases it won't, so I can't say is a bad thing after all.

 

 

People, yes even women, have the right to determine their own lives. Some women chose to have open marriages where both parties are free to seek sex and companionship outside the marriage. Other women chose monogamous relationships and they find partners who agree with that choice. If the couples agreement HAS BEEN monogamy and one spouse cheats, the other spouse gets to DECIDE FOR THEMSELF that this is not acceptable and walk away if they choose.

 

You see....free will works for BOTH partners regardless of gender.

 

AND at no time in his postings has OP indicated that he is appeasing his wife and disregarding his true feelings.

[OFGnomore]

Again, I think the phenonoma in the crisis stage is to restore equillibrium ASAP. By bonding, cutting ties with OP, etc. And again time will tell how long the changes last and if there is true growth by NS7. And his fear comes through in his posts like a little boy about what his wife will be like onces she's done "bonding" with him. It all kind of grosses me out really. To think what he was saying a month ago and what he's posting today. He sounds really immature in IMO, and my best hope for him is to grow the hell up. His new "reality" with his wife is hardly a reality because it hasn't stood the test of time. Let's not make this an OW v. BW bitch session. Some MM really do care about their OWs and some don't. And for those who do/did and lie to their BWs about it is just continued deception to the W. Not a start off on a positive note for reconcilation. My best hope for NS7 is that he confessed and is getting to counseling. But he's never been honest in his M to date so to say that THIS is now who he REALLY is wishful thinking.

 

NS7 I hope you can grow into the man you want to be because right now you come off as a scared little boy. Probably the little boy that needs to be healed in counseling.

[pkn06002]

Here is something to add into the mix, everyone is focused on how the wife may react. Well guess what the OP may change as well. I went through the same type of phase for around 2 months then something switched in ME that caused me to no longer want the sexual bonding.

 

Someone earlier suggested just enjoy the current phase and I agree with that. Way to many things can happen going forward to even think that both parties in the OP marriage will keep this up.

[Owl]

I agree with you on this, Pkn.

 

My worry for NS7 here is that he's hoping that this continues...that his relationship stays like this.

 

I fear he may be setting some unrealistic expectations for everyone involved here...himself and his wife.

 

He may end up setting this up to fail if he doesn't maintain realistic expectations...if he doesn't recognize that this is part of the recovery, and isn't likely to be a permanent change.

 

I'm not saying that frequency and intensity won't remain better than it was before...but it's not likely that it will stay at it's current level.

[NOTSURE7]

NS7, I feel like you are kind of a counterpart as to what I am going through as I am the BS in this situation and I began reading the forum about the same time as you were posting...and we are just a week or so ahead of you and have gone through the hysterical bonding thing. I, too, think it can establish a new "standard" in our relationship, hopefully. My H and I have realized much the same things as you and your W have realized. We have two very busy young teenagers and we have completely given our life over to them. But I think we lost sight of "us" as a couple as well, and all discussions came to be about the kids or something concerning them...about the day to day of them, the minutia of running a household, raising a family, being involved in the community or at the kids school, sports teams, etc. We THOUGHT that was dealing with us, but really we were just spectators in a sense. And the funny thing is that for the most part, I would have always considered it a really good marriage and very open and close, never argue, etc. But we had gotten out of date night, I had definitely slacked off on the sex, but my H and I, strangely have both stated we feel like we are just dating again, nervous (butterflies) when going out with each other, and an overwhelming desire for being intimate. So I do think it has helped. Yes, even though I am angry, we are still having sex daily. That's because my emotions are like a rollercoaster and changes from hour to hour at times. I think demystifying their relationship has helped me some though to diffuse some of the anger and I was asking today what she did better than me, what could I learn from in respect to certain acts and his response was that honestly I was way better than her in everything...and that they only did a miniscule subset of what he and I have done. That has brought my anger down a lot for some reason. But I am regarding this as a whole new phase in our relationship....our kids aren't fully grown but they are teenagers now and I think he and I putting our relationship as a top priority again and realizing what we have done wrong and what we have done right can bring a whole new aspect to our relationship. I have seen a few things about people saying that their husband's A was "the best thing that ever happened to them" and such and while I don't think I can utter those words (even if it turns out to be true) because of the immense pain and anger it has brought, I do hope that there is something good that will come out of all this pain in the end.

 

yes i will agree,it sounds as if we are in similar situations as reading what you wrote you sound alot like my w(bs)..keep posting as i am interested in your progress and whats going on in your mind,it can help me better prepare for my long road ahead.

[NOTSURE7]

On your other thread you said your eldest asked your W why she was crying, but she sidestepped it... I suggested you talk to him/& the other kids to give them age-appropriate information (not at all about the A), you said thanks for the advice, but later I saw in a post of yours in responding to another poster who advocated saying Nothing to the kids, that you agreed.

 

Did you tell the kids anything at all about a 'problem' being solved and it having nothing to do with the kids, but you adults were working on it? I ask this, because in addition to all the stress, crying, and your son asking what's wrong but being ignored, NOW the kids have been told by their (crying) mother NOT to come into their parent's bed at night! Are you sure they will not take this as a personal rejection, and 'proof' of their having done something wrong, or being 'bad' and 'unlovable' in their parents eyes -- especially if you chose to continue to say nothing to them as a way of explaining their mother's sadness having nothing to do with something they did?

 

i always appreciate advice, as far as the kids go, as of right now all is ok, we told them nothing and they are ok with everything now,they know there was a problem of sorts but i beleive they realize its handled, they havent asked and fortunately mom isisnt crying as much these days.

[NOTSURE7]

watch out, she may be overcompensating.....she may want you so bad because she probably feels the need to feel needed and feel desirable because of what you did.

 

she also may be "craving" it more to prove to herself, and for some reason, to you that she is woman enough to keep you away from some other hussbag.

 

but this may come to a halt later when she starts thinking more clearly and she is no longer in some phase of desperation and pain. She may realize she is busting her butt to win back a cheater when it is you that needs to bust yours instead.

 

if this is the case, I think you have yet to really see her anger.

 

as always i appreciate your take but i honestly think we are creating a new way of being together as a couple,yes some of her craving to be with me may stem from worrying but i truly beleive ehs understands that we need this in our M and that through the being more intimate we will only grow stronger as a couple.

 

i dont think that it will come to a halt because i too am busting my butt,in fact this morning she was sad and i comforted her and she said thank you for being so gentle with me and making me feel better, i am busting my butt everyday and night to make our marriage stronger.if her anger comes i will tackle it head on as i have everything else since dday.

[NOTSURE7]

Thaddeus left this final paragraph off of this posting from the site,

 

"The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!"

 

There is a difference between support and skewing information. Being a realist and living a life and future based in reality, will get you the furthest in terms of healing and being authentic. I too am somewhat skeptical about your feelings because of what you emphatically stated 1 month ago about your OW.

 

Time, IMO, is the great equalizer.

 

i know we have a long way to go but i feel that the bonding is very helpful in the proccess

 

i respect your opinion as to what i previously posted but i will say when you have a clearer head and the fog and the excitement has lifted you think in a different way, so yes i understand the skeptisim but i will tell you when your mind is clear and the ow is out of the picture you look back you see things alot better.

[NOTSURE7]

No. He realized that he loved the OW, and the only reason he confessed to the W was to end the marriage, not because he wanted to work on the marriage.

 

Of course, then, he chickened out once he saw the reality hit him of what he was going to do.

 

Add that to the W's newfound love and desperation, and you have him asking when will this wonderful phase end, because he wants it to last forever...

 

But then, confused as he is, he'll most likely get closer to the W now, at least for a while, and be glad he stayed.

 

Most likely things with the OW would be a huge gamble, and probably not going to work either given the circumstances.

 

this is a pretty good post except for the fact i was never leaving for the ow and i was leaving for myself because i could no longer live a life of lies and deception and it wasnt fair to my W and kids.

 

also i didnt chicken out, i never really thought it all through,my leaving wasnt planned but only in my head, i needed it all out, so it wasnt that i chickened out of some master plan it was that i realized that i need to stay and fight for my M and find the happiness i need within my m, i beleive i am now on the road to doing that.

 

now my focus is on my w

[NOTSURE7]

He is probably more in love with the OW now, and craving for her more than ever because of the NC.

 

The only thing that is going to do, is to send him ballistic thinking about her, especially since he has to have sex everyday with the W.

 

Nobody forgets someone they think is their soulmate in a month..

 

you have this all wrong, i am not in love with the ow, and the key word is who they THINK is their soulmate,she wasnt my soulmate,yes maybe she was somebody better suited for me if we were at day 1 but she wasnt my soulmate and a life with her would have never happened. i was living in a complete fog and i would say or do anything to get the attention,excitement and the sex i was craving from the ow, i went full nc and i am just fine without her.

 

now,will i say that that means that something isint wrong within me that needs to be fixed, no i wouldnt say that, so i am working on myself, i went to ic last night and i am working everyday on my M and together with my w to find true happiness, i will no longer settle and will no longer live a life based on lies no matter what the outcome will be.

[NOTSURE7]

It's not brainwashing, but it is an ultimatum. Stay here and let's try to heal us, or you need to go. I think it's fair play to make one in this kind of a situation. You can't live in limbo forever.

 

Unless the couple agree to an open marriage, the wandering spouse has to finally make a decision. And then be an active party to making things better.

 

Or, if they can't let go of the OW, then they have to go.

 

i agree with annieo....this isint about my w but its about a choice that needs to be made by the ws and it is reasonably fair for the bs to expect that choice to be made.