Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Ariadne, I'm sorry but I can't let what you are posting go. Please quit projecting your situation and pain, whatever it is, onto others. Sorry to disappoint but my husband felt NOTHING for the OW. Too bad for her. My husband's OW got used emotionally by my husband pretty badly but that's what she gets for getting involved with a MM. As for the brainwashing and badgering that supposedly occurs by the wife, let me just say this. I told my cheating husband to go be with the other woman if he wanted to. I certainly didn't need him around if he didn't really want to be with me. Please, let's get back to NS7, this is his thread after all. well said snowflower,what people dont understand that when you are caught in the throws of an A, you will say or do anything to lead the op on and then you start to beleive it all yourself, when the fog clears you see things better, my w also told me to go if i wanted too. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I am a confident, resourceful and independent woman. On DDay, almost two years ago, I threw him out and told him to go get her, because if I loved anyone the way he appeared to love her, I'd have a bag packed and be gone. I also told him that I refused to be his default choice and would never be with anyone who did not want me; not for the children, the status or a paycheck. I wanted NOTHING to do with a liar and a sneak, angrier at his cowardice in failing to disclose his feelings for another woman, than the fact that he had them to begin with. He dropped her like a hot potato and agressively pursued a relationship with me. I resisted for many, many months until I saw a change in his behavior and desire to take all the right steps towards restoring my trust. The sex was/is fantastic as he works harder to restore intimacy with me. I prefer to call it "reclaiming" and it is a good indicator of a successful reconciliation providing all other steps are taken too. Yes, i did feel insecure, worthless, ugly and he still cries over the devastation he did to my self-esteem. We continue to talk about it all. It's the closer emotional connection to my spouse that triggers my libido, as is true with most women. As long as that remains, and we continue to make our sexual life a priority, there is no reason for it to subside. Even if life, the kids, aging parents, etc. interrupt our plans, we still make it a point to tell each other how much we desire one another. It's all good. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 i was never leaving for the ow and i was leaving for myself because i could no longer live a life of lies... Oh yeah, you didn't want to become your father. That too. she wasnt my soulmate i was living in a complete fog i would say or do anything i am working on myself, i went to ic last night I see. I'd be wary of the IC, since I have absolutely no faith with those idiots that completely mess you up more than you start with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 It's either A or B, and in my terms only. Well, he probably felt a lot of lust for her.. And men, probably like the OP, feel obligated to do what the wife says and to disregard his feelings. Not to say that the relationship with the OW will ever be a good one, for the most cases it won't, so I can't say is a bad thing after all. first off, i never begged for any second chance and my w never threatened to throw me out etc etc,this was a choice i alone made. there is no obligation to do what the w says,i am making my own choices here,if i wanted to leave i would have left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 There really must be some alternate universe that OP is posting in where he feels forced to obey his wife and work on the marriage against his will. From what I have read here, OP is trying everything he can think of to assure is wife that he loves her and WANTS to be with her. I have not seen one posts that indicates that he is bending down to obey. In fact OP has stated that HE is NOT groveling or trying to appease the W. He says he is telling her the truth about his feelings even if he knows it will hurt her. I really need to find these alternate posts so I too can see the whole truth:rolleyes: lol, she is clearly reading posts other than mine or reading mine differently than i am writing them or maybe she is mad at somebody else who is not me and taking it out on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 first off, i never begged for any second chance and my w never threatened to throw me out etc etc,this was a choice i alone made. there is no obligation to do what the w says,i am making my own choices here,if i wanted to leave i would have left. Well, in this particular case, I find you very immature and you don't even know what you want. One day you are professing love to a woman, then you deny it, then you cheat, then you want to become honest, and this is not the first time you cheat either. In reality, I think you are just too scared to be alone. Thus, the "busting your butt" to please your wife and all these romanticized ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 lol, she is clearly reading posts other than mine or reading mine differently than i am writing them or maybe she is mad at somebody else who is not me and taking it out on me. Clearly, your big, bad, domineering wife is forcing intimacy and sex on you and bending you to her will. Hope all is well with you and that your first session of IC went ok. Hope you can develop a good rapport with your counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Again, I think the phenonoma in the crisis stage is to restore equillibrium ASAP. By bonding, cutting ties with OP, etc. And again time will tell how long the changes last and if there is true growth by NS7. And his fear comes through in his posts like a little boy about what his wife will be like onces she's done "bonding" with him. It all kind of grosses me out really. To think what he was saying a month ago and what he's posting today. He sounds really immature in IMO, and my best hope for him is to grow the hell up. His new "reality" with his wife is hardly a reality because it hasn't stood the test of time. Let's not make this an OW v. BW bitch session. Some MM really do care about their OWs and some don't. And for those who do/did and lie to their BWs about it is just continued deception to the W. Not a start off on a positive note for reconcilation. My best hope for NS7 is that he confessed and is getting to counseling. But he's never been honest in his M to date so to say that THIS is now who he REALLY is wishful thinking. NS7 I hope you can grow into the man you want to be because right now you come off as a scared little boy. Probably the little boy that needs to be healed in counseling. as always i appreciate everyones input, i dont agree with you that i am a scared little boy though, i knew what i was doing but guess what there does come a time in a mans life that he wakes up and realizes that he can no longer live like this,i had many factors that played into this, i am not running from this,i am not hiding my true feelings, i have been brutally honest with my w and continue to be,but i want to live an honest loving life in my m and this is what i am trying to achieve, i have started ic and mc will be next week, i will find happiness in my m with my loving w or the marriage will fail.. to say i have never been honest in my m to date is also unfair,yes before dday that was true but to date is unfair to say,since dday i have been nothing but open and honest,with a clear mind and no more living as an impostor you would be amazed at how things become alot clearer in my mind. so this is not a scared little boy, this is aman taking a very tough challenge head on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I am a confident, resourceful and independent woman. On DDay, almost two years ago, I threw him out and told him to go get her, because if I loved anyone the way he appeared to love her, I'd have a bag packed and be gone. I also told him that I refused to be his default choice and would never be with anyone who did not want me; not for the children, the status or a paycheck. I wanted NOTHING to do with a liar and a sneak, angrier at his cowardice in failing to disclose his feelings for another woman, than the fact that he had them to begin with. He dropped her like a hot potato and agressively pursued a relationship with me. I resisted for many, many months until I saw a change in his behavior and desire to take all the right steps towards restoring my trust. The sex was/is fantastic as he works harder to restore intimacy with me. I prefer to call it "reclaiming" and it is a good indicator of a successful reconciliation providing all other steps are taken too. Yes, i did feel insecure, worthless, ugly and he still cries over the devastation he did to my self-esteem. We continue to talk about it all. It's the closer emotional connection to my spouse that triggers my libido, as is true with most women. As long as that remains, and we continue to make our sexual life a priority, there is no reason for it to subside. Even if life, the kids, aging parents, etc. interrupt our plans, we still make it a point to tell each other how much we desire one another. It's all good. good to hear, great post..thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Oh yeah, you didn't want to become your father. That too. I see. I'd be wary of the IC, since I have absolutely no faith with those idiots that completely mess you up more than you start with. at the beggining i thought you might have been hurt in the past but with your responses i have no doubt. yes not wanting to be like my father was one of many,many factors that led to me wanting to make a change and be honest in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I agree with you on this, Pkn. My worry for NS7 here is that he's hoping that this continues...that his relationship stays like this. I fear he may be setting some unrealistic expectations for everyone involved here...himself and his wife. He may end up setting this up to fail if he doesn't maintain realistic expectations...if he doesn't recognize that this is part of the recovery, and isn't likely to be a permanent change. I'm not saying that frequency and intensity won't remain better than it was before...but it's not likely that it will stay at it's current level. i understand this and i know this, in fact i have told her many times that we dont need to always be like this and that i look forward to nights were we just hold hands and watch tv and drift off to sleep, i set no unrealstic expectations and right now i take things day by day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Well, in this particular case, I find you very immature and you don't even know what you want. One day you are professing love to a woman, then you deny it, then you cheat, then you want to become honest, and this is not the first time you cheat either. In reality, I think you are just too scared to be alone. Thus, the "busting your butt" to please your wife and all these romanticized ideas. i dont know your situation and how you were hurt so its hard for me to keep defending myself against your comments,instead of taking it out on me you should seek some help yourself. i am just here to try and get positive advice from people who have been there or are currently going through similar situations and maybe i can help others too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Clearly, your big, bad, domineering wife is forcing intimacy and sex on you and bending you to her will. Hope all is well with you and that your first session of IC went ok. Hope you can develop a good rapport with your counselor.[/Q my w is so far from big,bad and domineering its not even funny... first session went well thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 you were hurt.. taking it out on me seek some help i am just here to try and get positive advice I'm telling you what I see. You are flip flop as they come. And you want these strangers to ensure you you are going to be happy forever with this new found life. Well, good luck with that. That's all I can say. i look forward to nights were we just hold hands and watch tv and drift off to sleep (My thoughts exactly) Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I'm telling you what I see. You are flip flop as they come. And you want these strangers to ensure you you are going to be happy forever with this new found life. Well, good luck with that. That's all I can say. (My thoughts exactly) i dont see how i am flip flop,i feel i have now made a very clear decision on what i want to do and i have done everything i need to do so far and i will contimue to do everything needed to ensure success. but you are welcome to your opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I'm telling you what I see. You are flip flop as they come. And you want these strangers to ensure you you are going to be happy forever with this new found life. Well, good luck with that. That's all I can say. (My thoughts exactly) no stranger will ensure my happiness but it has been helpful to hear stories and thoughts and opinions from people who have lived what i am going through good or bad.at the end of the day i and only i will be responsible for my destiny. its interesting to me that you are a "supporting member" yet you seem so hurt that you cant really help me but yet choose to lash out against me. maybe posting on a different subject would work better for you,i am done justifying myself to you. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 NS I do think you are trying - but I also think this is a phase. It too shall pass. She is panic-stricken. She is re-claiming you. I think that once this immediate newness of this passes ~ Once there isn't the 24/7 crying & constant talking, constant sex...... You will both eventually settle into a comfort zone. (assuming both of you stick with the DESIRE to be together) And, once this does die down & the dust settles - You will begin to think of the OW again. Guaranteed! But only you can decide what you'll do once you begin to have that 'feeling' again. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 to say i have never been honest in my m to date is also unfair yes before dday that was true since dday i have been nothing but open and honest yet you seem so hurt... lash out against me i am done justifying myself Ok, then. Hope you find the stability you seek. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 NS I do think you are trying - but I also think this is a phase. It too shall pass. She is panic-stricken. She is re-claiming you. I think that once this immediate newness of this passes ~ Once there isn't the 24/7 crying & constant talking, constant sex...... You will both eventually settle into a comfort zone. (assuming both of you stick with the DESIRE to be together) And, once this does die down & the dust settles - You will begin to think of the OW again. Guaranteed! But only you can decide what you'll do once you begin to have that 'feeling' again. i respect what your saying, the crying is no longer 24/7,we are not constantly talking about it but i will say we are alot and the sex has become a vehicle for us to spend time together,we dont start off just having sex, we lay together and watch tv. so yes of course like anything else things will die down and the dust will settle and the true tests will begin but right now i can say i wont think of the ow but i understand what you are saying. i know the feeling can return,if not for this ow but maybe just the feelings that led me down that path in the first place can return and that is why i must keep my headlights on and realize this is an everyday battle and i will continue to do what i need to to tackle it all head on and stay the course. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 i can say i wont think of the ow i know the feeling can return (I really hope "Not Sure" will leave the poor OW alone. What a trip) Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 (I really hope "Not Sure" will leave the poor OW alone. What a trip) ok evernthough i know you are hurt in the past and i told you i would no longer justify myself to you, i will clear this one up.. i am in over 2 weeks full nc with the ow, i no longer want her in my life, all i was saying is that i understood hat confused in kansas was saying and that sitting here today this is what i feel but i respect that she is saying that the feeling can return and i need to prepare myself if that happens,personally i dont think it will but again i am here to hear people who have been there and gone through things opinions as i find this helpful to me.... but it is funny you say that about me leaving the "poor" ow alone because i am hoping you will leave me alone...lol Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 NS - I only say what I did about you & the OW because.......Just like you - I thought after a solid year that I was totally over my OM & my husband & I were getting along fairly well - not great by any sense. But, the minute I bumped into him at a club - POW! It was like I'd seen a ghost. I didn't contact him after seeing him - he contacted me.......& Off to the races we go!!! If ya get my drift. I'm just saying, It CAN & DOES happen. I'm just saying - Be prepared. I have seen my OM twice (at a local restaurant - totally by coincidence) since our NC & Zero feelings....& only 1 time did he contact me by text. I didn't answer it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 NS - I only say what I did about you & the OW because.......Just like you - I thought after a solid year that I was totally over my OM & my husband & I were getting along fairly well - not great by any sense. But, the minute I bumped into him at a club - POW! It was like I'd seen a ghost. I didn't contact him after seeing him - he contacted me.......& Off to the races we go!!! If ya get my drift. I'm just saying, It CAN & DOES happen. I'm just saying - Be prepared. I have seen my OM twice (at a local restaurant - totally by coincidence) since our NC & Zero feelings....& only 1 time did he contact me by text. I didn't answer it! honestly i do not think running into the ow would make a difference for me, i know it may seem fake or cold but i really am not thinking about the ow and have no plans to contact or think about her in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 (I really hope "Not Sure" will leave the poor OW alone. What a trip) Awwwwww Poor poor OW Maybe it is not as bad as you think. Maybe her husband will console her over the loss of Notsure. Maybe her husband will protect her from Notsure's flip flopping. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 honestly i do not think running into the ow would make a difference for me, i know it may seem fake or cold but i really am not thinking about the ow and have no plans to contact or think about her in the future. Notsure I think that as long as you stay honest with yourself, your wife, your counselor you will be ok. Ask CIK said, you may have setbacks along the way, but staying honest is the key. Link to post Share on other sites
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