Hysterical Bonding- A Phase ?

[confusedinkansas]

But one CAN control pushing those thoughts out of their head. Ofcourse she may pop into his head, but it seems he's chosen not to spend any time reminising or remembering.

 

Exactly! No one said THIS wasn't possible & If NS can stay the course with that thought process then he WILL get thru this.

 

Taylor - Why do you say you don't think he loves his wife? I think he does otherwise what's the point in sticking this out? I mean, he had "planned" to leave (I use that word loosely cuz he had no money, no place to live...so I'm not positive he really had 'planned' to leave her)

Bottom line is - he didn't leave. He stayed. He's trying.

 

I don't think he's harboring thoughts of this other woman - I think we all started discussing this because it WILL happen. You can't control that.

[Dexter Morgan]

I get your point Dex. Completely - BUT.....Just because something - that you can't control pops in your head - doesn't mean that you can't be IN a marriage & correct any wrong doings & move on in your life with your spouse.

I do not ACT on any of the 'thoughts'........I dismiss them. It's VERY rare anyway. I'm just making a point. It's not something that just disappears out of your memory banks.

My point is - You can't control your thoughts! No one can. And - EVERYONE has a past & memories from that past.

 

sure, but the memories of a past that had nothing to do with me, and when I wasn't in the picture, wouldn't bother me.

 

fondness of memories that a so-called significant other would have with an affair partner while committed to me is simply something I'm not going to put up with. Therefore, they can have those fond memories without me in the picture.

 

 

Just like NS in this thread - Thoughts of the other woman will pop in his head from time to time. It will just happen.

 

and his wife deserves better than a man that has fond memories of a woman he screwed behind her back.

[NOTSURE7]

BOOM, you just gave the reason why in my mind it isn't worth keeping a partner that cheated.

 

if someone has a memory like wow we ate here i really think its ridiculous for you to say that its not worth keeping a partner that cheated..

 

but again this is the pattern i see from these boards, people who have been hurt in the past cannot objectively give advice without their utter hurt or resentment shining right through.

[NOTSURE7]

I get your point Dex. Completely - BUT.....Just because something - that you can't control pops in your head - doesn't mean that you can't be IN a marriage & correct any wrong doings & move on in your life with your spouse.

I do not ACT on any of the 'thoughts'........I dismiss them. It's VERY rare anyway. I'm just making a point. It's not something that just disappears out of your memory banks.

My point is - You can't control your thoughts! No one can. And - EVERYONE has a past & memories from that past.

 

Just like NS in this thread - Thoughts of the other woman will pop in his head from time to time. It will just happen.

 

this is ridiculous for you to defend confused...thoughts of people will pop into your head always its just the way it goes, it dosent mean that you are going to jump back into an A with them.

[confusedinkansas]

this is ridiculous for you to defend confused...thoughts of people will pop into your head always its just the way it goes, it dosent mean that you are going to jump back into an A with them.

 

 

You're right - don't know what I was thinking.

 

And, it MOST DEFINITELY....does not mean that you want to go back to them, the affair, or that lifestyle.

 

and his wife deserves better than a man that has fond memories of a woman he screwed behind her back.

 

And this is why we are all different. There are many out there that can get over the "Fond Memories" (or any memories for that matter) thing & have very happy marriages after the fact.

 

Would it be better if the memories were hateful & horrible? Cuz then I guess I wouldn't understand why someone would stay in an affair if it was horrible during the time you were with the other person.

[NOTSURE7]

No, you need to give it up already. 16 pages of telling people how hard it's going to be to lead a clean, honest, decent life. Enough already.

 

How would your wife feel if she read these pages and learned how hard you think it's going to be to love her and stay faithful to her?

 

If you were my husband and you told me you wanted to be faithful, thought you might be able to change, was going to work hard at it, knew it was going to be difficult to do...I would tell you not to bother if it was going to tax you that much..and I would show you the door.

 

Enough already with how agonizing it's going to be to try to be a decent, faithful husband.

 

I surmise you truly don't love your wife. Or at least, not enough. She loves you and you know it so you don't want to lose that. But you don't love her back the same way..that's why it's so difficult for you to be faithful to her. She's not enough. And she will probably never be enough for you.

 

Right now you are trying to convince yourself that she is enough for you. You are going to work hard to make her the center of your universe. It shouldn't be hard to do that...not if you truly love someone. It should be EASY to make them front and center.

 

I am not bashing you. Never my intention. But I do believe you are in a fog regarding your feelings for your wife. I think you are fooling yourself. You aren't being honest with yourself. You are afraid to look that deep inside your heart.

 

Ask yourself why you cheated on your wife over and over. Really think about it.

 

what i dont get is how as a past ws who stayed with their h, you can say all of this,if it was all so easy why do we cheat in the first place?

 

that being said you know taylor i actually get your point here, but when i say its going to be hard for me i mean it more from my persepctive,having been one way for so long and wanting desperately to change myself.

 

so i am in a fog about my w and you are upset i am not pining over the ow, i really cant win here..i am not trying to convince myself about my w but now with a clear head ,mind and concience i am giving it my 100% to establish the type of relationship my w deserves,if we can both truly be happy and the fact we have 3 children together why would i not give this a real shot...

[NOTSURE7]

sure, but the memories of a past that had nothing to do with me, and when I wasn't in the picture, wouldn't bother me.

 

fondness of memories that a so-called significant other would have with an affair partner while committed to me is simply something I'm not going to put up with. Therefore, they can have those fond memories without me in the picture.

 

 

 

 

and his wife deserves better than a man that has fond memories of a woman he screwed behind her back.

 

so they said today that the divorce rate has gone down,but if everyone listened to dex-they would all just get a divorce without trying to save their marriage or maybe work on some of the things that went wrong and i guess all the success stories of people who have had stronger marriages after the A are all nonsense in dexs world.

[Dexter Morgan]

If we all had the power of selective amnesia, we could all forget our past love interests.

 

But we don't.

 

I can remember the names of every guy who ever kissed me, going back to age 15.

 

But I can also remember the name of every girlfriend I had since kindergarten and the names of every teacher I had in school.

 

You can't expect a person to totally block out memories of an affair partner, just like you can't expect someone to totally block out memories of any past love interest, school friend or teacher.

 

It doesn't mean they are a part of your current life or that you want them to be a part of your current life. They are memories..meaning they are from the past and will remain in the past. And you can't change your past, whether you want to or not.

 

I get that completely Taylor. If someone I'm with has fond memories of someone in their past, thats not a problem with me.

 

But if someone has fond memories of someone they f#cked behind my back, thats a different story. And since I know a cheater will have those memories, thats just one reason why I won't stay with someone that cheated on me.

[Dexter Morgan]

if someone has a memory like wow we ate here i really think its ridiculous for you to say that its not worth keeping a partner that cheated..

 

its not ridiculous at all to not want to have a partner that has fond memories of someone they screwed behind their back.

[Dexter Morgan]

this is ridiculous for you to defend confused...thoughts of people will pop into your head always its just the way it goes, it dosent mean that you are going to jump back into an A with them.

 

doesn't matter if it means you'd jump back into an affair.

 

just knowing that someone that cheated on me has "fond" memories of that person...well, I simply won't put up with wondering when they are having those memories. its just one of my reasons why its not worth staying with a cheater.

[Dexter Morgan]

so they said today that the divorce rate has gone down,but if everyone listened to dex-they would all just get a divorce without trying to save their marriage or maybe work on some of the things that went wrong and i guess all the success stories of people who have had stronger marriages after the A are all nonsense in dexs world.

 

maybe the divorce rate would go down if certain men would keep it in their pants except with their wives, and if certain women would not open their thighs to men other than their husbands....hmmm?....maybe?....I don't know.

 

I'm saying that I wouldn't put up with it. If someone else does, that is their choice. Either way, it is something that NOBODY should have to put up with. You get to go out and screw another woman, have your little fond memories.....your wife forgives you and she has to sit and wonder and have some inner turmoil for a good long time......while you can have your fondness.

[NOTSURE7]

its not ridiculous at all to not want to have a partner that has fond memories of someone they screwed behind their back.

 

if you have made a decision to work on your m with a a ws then you have made that decison with knowing that the op exists and you cant really tell me that you can expect the person will just have no memories whatsover, i beleive that would come with the territory...

 

anyway i doubt that you will really know about the fond memories, i highly doubt that if confused is in a resteraunt with her h that she is going to blurt out loud ""wow my affair parner really loved the steak sandwich and mashed potatoes here" ..but if it creeps into her mind and she quickly moves on from it what the heck is the big deal..

[NOTSURE7]

doesn't matter if it means you'd jump back into an affair.

 

just knowing that someone that cheated on me has "fond" memories of that person...well, I simply won't put up with wondering when they are having those memories. its just one of my reasons why its not worth staying with a cheater.

 

well so you wouldnt stay with a cheater or give them a chance that is abundantly clear, yet many people have done that and regardless of the memories they had for the affair partner they were able to rebuild a stronger M as a result of giving it a go instead of just throwing it away.

 

now i am not talking about me here but i am asking hypothetically,is there any possibility in your mind dex that a good person could have made a mistake and cheated? or is every person who cheats automatically a cheater and a liar for life? do you have no belief in second chances?

[Dexter Morgan]

if you have made a decision to work on your m with a a ws then you have made that decison with knowing that the op exists and you cant really tell me that you can expect the person will just have no memories whatsover

 

uh, no, I KNOW they will have those memories.....thats one reason why I won't put up with it and stay with them

 

 

anyway i doubt that you will really know about the fond memories, i highly doubt that if confused is in a resteraunt with her h that she is going to blurt out loud ""wow my affair parner really loved the steak sandwich and mashed potatoes here" ..but if it creeps into her mind and she quickly moves on from it what the heck is the big deal..

 

I won't know "when" a cheater would have them. I just know that they WILL have them at some point. Just like with my xW, not only would I have not stayed with her anyway, I knew if I did try to forgive her, she'd still in some small way, pine for the other guy, or at the very least have "fond memories". And I don't deserve that. I deserve someone that isn't going to have fond memories of someone they cheated on me with.

[Dexter Morgan]

well so you wouldnt stay with a cheater or give them a chance that is abundantly clear, yet many people have done that and regardless of the memories they had for the affair partner they were able to rebuild a stronger M as a result of giving it a go instead of just throwing it away.

 

your thinking is backwards here.....the one that would have "thrown it all away" is the one that cheated.

 

Funny how the "throwing it all away" idea is put on the shoulders of the person that was betrayed.

 

 

now i am not talking about me here but i am asking hypothetically,is there any possibility in your mind dex that a good person could have made a mistake and cheated?

 

No, because its not a mistake, and for you or anyone to call it such is merely an attempt to downplay what really happened...a decision to gratify yourself with someone outside your marriage.

 

a good person? dunno about that one. I know cheating isn't the act of a saint, that is for sure.

 

 

or is every person who cheats automatically a cheater and a liar for life?

 

to me... ya, pretty much.

 

 

do you have no belief in second chances?

 

 

not for something like cheating. because 2nd chance or not, there will always be that black cloud floating above and something will always not be completely right, no matter how "good" it might look on the surface.

[NOTSURE7]

uh, no, I KNOW they will have those memories.....thats one reason why I won't put up with it and stay with them

 

 

 

 

I won't know "when" a cheater would have them. I just know that they WILL have them at some point. Just like with my xW, not only would I have not stayed with her anyway, I knew if I did try to forgive her, she'd still in some small way, pine for the other guy, or at the very least have "fond memories". And I don't deserve that. I deserve someone that isn't going to have fond memories of someone they cheated on me with.

 

yes you are correct you do deserve that,but if you have love for someone and they truly made a mistake and you truly love them and beleive that the m is worth saving and it can be stronger as a result then i dont think it should just be thrown away and there are many people who have memories of there A in their heads that have grown stronger together.

[Athena]

 

but again this is the pattern i see from these boards, people who have been hurt in the past cannot objectively give advice without their utter hurt or resentment shining right through.

 

Yeah, but your wife is gonna be feeling the SAME!!!!

[Athena]

BOOM, you just gave the reason why in my mind it isn't worth keeping a partner that cheated.

 

That is the most hurtful thing about my H's affairs -- that at anytime he can have memories of his affair partners -- even during sex, or whatever... no thanks!!

[NOTSURE7]

your thinking is backwards here.....the one that would have "thrown it all away" is the one that cheated.

 

Funny how the "throwing it all away" idea is put on the shoulders of the person that was betrayed.

 

 

 

 

No, because its not a mistake, and for you or anyone to call it such is merely an attempt to downplay what really happened...a decision to gratify yourself with someone outside your marriage.

 

a good person? dunno about that one. I know cheating isn't the act of a saint, that is for sure.

 

 

 

 

to me... ya, pretty much.

 

 

 

 

 

not for something like cheating. because 2nd chance or not, there will always be that black cloud floating above and something will always not be completely right, no matter how "good" it might look on the surface.

 

you are certainly welcome to your opinion and the belief that once someone cheats their is no hope for them and the marriage should just be dissolved,

 

i dont agree personally but thats what makes the world go round and makes for good spirited debate...

[Dexter Morgan]

you are certainly welcome to your opinion and the belief that once someone cheats their is no hope for them and the marriage should just be dissolved,

 

I am saying that is MY opinion and how I would handle it. To each their own.

 

Just don't think that if your wife forgives you and things seem fantastic on the surface, don't be a fool thinking that your wife isn't reeling on the inside once in a while because of what you did. And she WILL wonder if you are ever pining for the OW or having fond memories of her.

 

and again, why do you put the burden of "throwing it all away" on your wife if she decided she doesn't want you, when it was YOU that went outside the marriage?

[NOTSURE7]

Yeah, but your wife is gonna be feeling the SAME!!!!

 

yes i agree but my w is not posting on boards where others are putting themselves and their lives out there and trying to gain guidance,get opinions or learning and getting help from others experiences only to get met with posters who have had so much hurt and resentment in there lives that they can objectively help someone because they see that person only in the same light as the person who hurt them.

[Athena]

 

that being said you know taylor i actually get your point here, but when i say its going to be hard for me i mean it more from my persepctive,having been one way for so long and wanting desperately to change myself.

 

Yes, THAT is the tough part, 7, the changing YOURSELF... not the loving your W part... you have been dishonest and closed to revealing yourself, that is: you have NOT been emotionally available... now you have to be if you want a good marriage... that is where the hard work is going to come in... in changing yourself to be intimate.

[confusedinkansas]

Here's that "Once A Cheater" "Once A Liar" phrase again UGH!

It is SO FALSE.

But I suppose typing this is like beating my head against the wall.

It'll get me nuttin' but a headache!!!

[NOTSURE7]

Yes, THAT is the tough part, 7, the changing YOURSELF... not the loving your W part... you have been dishonest and closed to revealing yourself, that is: you have NOT been emotionally available... now you have to be if you want a good marriage... that is where the hard work is going to come in... in changing yourself to be intimate.

 

which is all i am trying to do...i want to give it a 100% effort before i just toss my m to the curb like i have in the past.

[Athena]

yes i agree but my w is not posting on boards where others are putting themselves and their lives out there and trying to gain guidance,get opinions or learning and getting help from others experiences only to get met with posters who have had so much hurt and resentment in there lives that they can objectively help someone because they see that person only in the same light as the person who hurt them.

 

On the other hand, your wife is going to be feeling a lot of the same feelings that the hurt posters have, but she is specifically going to be feeling them about YOU.

 

She may be pushing these thoughts down to a subconscious level because she desperately wants to get over it all, but at least you get a glimpse, thru others, of what may go through her mind.