Hysterical Bonding- A Phase ?

[NOTSURE7]

Here's that "Once A Cheater" "Once A Liar" phrase again UGH!

It is SO FALSE.

But I suppose typing this is like beating my head against the wall.

It'll get me nuttin' but a headache!!!

 

why bother, if your are trying to get a perosn who has been cheated on and hurt in the past to agree with you, you have a better chance of winning the lottery and then flying to the moon tonight.

[Athena]

Here's that "Once A Cheater" "Once A Liar" phrase again UGH!

It is SO FALSE.

But I suppose typing this is like beating my head against the wall.

It'll get me nuttin' but a headache!!!

 

If you are referring to a phrase in my post, I don't know. But, I am not pointing to 7's cheating, but to his lying. To his hiding his true self from his W. His earlier posts showed that he was everything his W wanted him to be, and he was feeling like an imposter...

 

What good would it be if he merely had to stop cheating, but continue remaining closed and emotionally unavailable to his wife? If he continued to lie about who he was, what he thought, and what he wanted?

[NOTSURE7]

On the other hand, your wife is going to be feeling a lot of the same feelings that the hurt posters have, but she is specifically going to be feeling them about YOU.

 

She may be pushing these thoughts down to a subconscious level because she desperately wants to get over it all, but at least you get a glimpse, thru others, of what may go through her mind.

 

i dont mind a glimpse and it has been helpful to me to read but when people cant open their minds to try and help others i dont see the point of them posting, or maybe they should post on a subject that they can be more objective on and maybe see a point or two without bashing or picturing people as the ones that hurt them.

[Athena]

why bother, if your are trying to get a perosn who has been cheated on and hurt in the past to agree with you, you have a better chance of winning the lottery and then flying to the moon tonight.

 

7, that's not fair of you. I have 'bothered' with my H!!!!!!! And he has not been a "once a cheater" -- he has been a Serial Cheater... both in his first M (cheated 5 times) then in our M (count stands at 8 affairs)... I have "agreed" with you and CIK so much that I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, and trusted and believed that he would change...

[NOTSURE7]

If you are referring to a phrase in my post, I don't know. But, I am not pointing to 7's cheating, but to his lying. To his hiding his true self from his W. His earlier posts showed that he was everything his W wanted him to be, and he was feeling like an imposter...

 

What good would it be if he merely had to stop cheating, but continue remaining closed and emotionally unavailable to his wife? If he continued to lie about who he was, what he thought, and what he wanted?

 

this is the exact opposite of what i am doing, i have revealed myself in full to my w and so far she loves the real me,i have also opened my emotional availability to her and she has embraced it, she has commented how she loves really having a husband and how much she loves the real me..

 

yes i know the usual suspects will say its right after dday and she is in some stage or phase and this is typical of ws,blah blah blah..

 

but i am just telling you how things are going in present day and that i am optimistic and looking forward to growing together and using these days as a springboard for the future.

[NOTSURE7]

7, that's not fair of you. I have 'bothered' with my H!!!!!!! And he has not been a "once a cheater" -- he has been a Serial Cheater... both in his first M (cheated 5 times) then in our M (count stands at 8 affairs)... I have "agreed" with you and CIK so much that I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, and trusted and believed that he would change...

 

dont take it personally athena, it wasnt meant for you, it was meant in a general sense of the attitudes i see on here..

[Athena]

but i am just telling you how things are going in present day and that i am optimistic and looking forward to growing together and using these days as a springboard for the future.

 

I am with you.

I believe you can do this. Because I could see from your posts that you were desperately unhappy with your life the way you were concealing your true self from your W. You were 'experimenting' with revealing your true self to your OW and you were shocked to see that she fell in love with you, that you didn't have to pretend to be 'perfect'... that you were enough just as you were... and this 'experiment' you did on some arbitrary woman allowed you to go for the real thing -- to reveal yourself to your Wife.

 

Personally, I think its a good thing to an extent, that you are getting to read some of the hurt posters' feelings on cheaters because your wife is not really in a position to tell you all the ugly deep dark thoughts she may have of you, since she is trying to rebuild with you. But I think it's better that you know, from someone else, who has been in your W's shoes, what can cross one's mind...

You hurt your W. You did wrong. Make sure, Notsure, that you never ever repeat that hurtful behavior again, even once you are both 'over' all this and your M is going well, once again. I truly hope you are not like my H who just simply reverted back to his old tricks once the coast was clear again...

You know, it's very easy to do that, to fall back on old habits again, especially when it seems like she will never find out about it... you have to be Mindful, always, from here on out, to not do those actions that lead back into bad habits... because you know you are capable of that behavior.

[NOTSURE7]

I am with you.

I believe you can do this. Because I could see from your posts that you were desperately unhappy with your life the way you were concealing your true self from your W. You were 'experimenting' with revealing your true self to your OW and you were shocked to see that she fell in love with you, that you didn't have to pretend to be 'perfect'... that you were enough just as you were... and this 'experiment' you did on some arbitrary woman allowed you to go for the real thing -- to reveal yourself to your Wife.

 

Personally, I think its a good thing to an extent, that you are getting to read some of the hurt posters' feelings on cheaters because your wife is not really in a position to tell you all the ugly deep dark thoughts she may have of you, since she is trying to rebuild with you. But I think it's better that you know, from someone else, who has been in your W's shoes, what can cross one's mind...

You hurt your W. You did wrong. Make sure, Notsure, that you never ever repeat that hurtful behavior again, even once you are both 'over' all this and your M is going well, once again. I truly hope you are not like my H who just simply reverted back to his old tricks once the coast was clear again...

You know, it's very easy to do that, to fall back on old habits again, especially when it seems like she will never find out about it... you have to be Mindful, always, from here on out, to not do those actions that lead back into bad habits... because you know you are capable of that behavior.

 

i dont mind reading the hurt posters comments when they are constructive but not when they bash me personally or force me to have to defend myself.that isisnt constructive and helps no one..

 

yes you are correct and i know i must be weary of old habits in the future but my hope is that i will build a strong m were i can be myself and be happy and have all i need so that i wont have thoughts of having an a or seeking anothers attention...

[Athena]

i dont mind reading the hurt posters comments when they are constructive but not when they bash me personally or force me to have to defend myself.that isisnt constructive and helps no one..

Some posters have just plain been nasty to you (ariadne springs to mind), other have simply not had positive experience with a cheating spouse (Dexter springs to mind). Bear in mind that posters have different styles of communicating... there are those that are so blunt as to be rude and offensive, and others who are more skilled in communicating their points without offending. But, some posters actually don't care about offending, and in fact Go for offending... to hurt (SignedIn aka BlackWhite aka Creek aka Sky123 aka Greenish, etc ---> all his aliases, who always end up being Banned on LS because he is so rude and offensive...)

yes you are correct and i know i must be weary of old habits in the future but my hope is that i will build a strong m were i can be myself and be happy and have all i need so that i wont have thoughts of having an a or seeking anothers attention...

 

Yes, I agree. You must be strong enough to be yourself, which sometimes means standing up for yourself and learning also, how to compromise so that you both get what you want, instead of passively 'giving up' to your W's demands or expectations, but later doing worse behind her back.

 

To change topic... how are things today with your W? And with your kids? Are you relating to them differently?

[NOTSURE7]

Some posters have just plain been nasty to you (ariadne springs to mind), other have simply not had positive experience with a cheating spouse (Dexter springs to mind). Bear in mind that posters have different styles of communicating... there are those that are so blunt as to be rude and offensive, and others who are more skilled in communicating their points without offending. But, some posters actually don't care about offending, and in fact Go for offending... to hurt (SignedIn aka BlackWhite aka Creek aka Sky123 aka Greenish, etc ---> all his aliases, who always end up being Banned on LS because he is so rude and offensive...)

 

 

Yes, I agree. You must be strong enough to be yourself, which sometimes means standing up for yourself and learning also, how to compromise so that you both get what you want, instead of passively 'giving up' to your W's demands or expectations, but later doing worse behind her back.

 

To change topic... how are things today with your W? And with your kids? Are you relating to them differently?

 

things are ok, we have really been enjoying one another through the pain and devastation, its a sad time for me because i am feeling the effect of what i have done and i know that my w is just so heart broken.

 

but on the other side we have been using this time to get to know one another, we talk all the time,we are open and honest about what we are feeling and what is going on in our heads.i continue to be the real me and she has opened up on the things she needs and wants and the things that she lacked in our m..

 

i am relating to everyone differently, i am paying more attention to needs and realizing that not only was i missing out on things while i lived in my own world but that my kids and my w were lacking and missing so much by me not being 100% available to them, so it has been an eye opening experience all around and certainly a work in progress..but as i said i am very optimistic and will continue with that approach..

[Athena]

i am relating to everyone differently, i am paying more attention to needs and realizing that not only was i missing out on things while i lived in my own world but that my kids and my w were lacking and missing so much by me not being 100% available to them, so it has been an eye opening experience all around and certainly a work in progress..but as i said i am very optimistic and will continue with that approach..

Very insightful!

I am happy for you and for your family. I wish you all the best with this going forward... I also wish that my H could have been a one-time-learner like you... but he does tend to be a late bloomer and learn things the hard way. Just seems like your family and W and yourself, are the luckier ones... good for you!

[PhoenixRise]

Athena has given you some excellent feedback here.

 

Especially the part about your wife probaly NOT sharing all the deep dark emotions she is going through. Yes you guys are talking and this is good. She is telling you what she needs to be happy. You are making changes. She is making changes to make you happy. This is all good. All Progress.

 

But those deep dark feelings are scary to experience and they are even scarrier to express to the person who caused them, especially if you are trying to keep them around.

 

Some of the posters on this thread have been plain nasty for no purpose. Some of them have just been harsh and blunt but at the same time have offered their insights.

 

The pain and anger that you are seeing from some posters IS probaly representative of the pain your wife is feeling. I am sure SHE wants to bash you (probaly with a very heavy object) from time to time too.

 

I AM glad to see you guys are still making progress and that you are still comitted to becoming a better man.

[NOTSURE7]

Athena has given you some excellent feedback here.

 

Especially the part about your wife probaly NOT sharing all the deep dark emotions she is going through. Yes you guys are talking and this is good. She is telling you what she needs to be happy. You are making changes. She is making changes to make you happy. This is all good. All Progress.

 

But those deep dark feelings are scary to experience and they are even scarrier to express to the person who caused them, especially if you are trying to keep them around.

 

Some of the posters on this thread have been plain nasty for no purpose. Some of them have just been harsh and blunt but at the same time have offered their insights.

 

The pain and anger that you are seeing from some posters IS probaly representative of the pain your wife is feeling. I am sure SHE wants to bash you (probaly with a very heavy object) from time to time too.

 

I AM glad to see you guys are still making progress and that you are still comitted to becoming a better man.

 

this is all very well said and i agree with you...

 

i know she is feeling these things towards me as she should, i actually try to get them out of her,i ask her what she is thinking and i say please tell me, i say these things knowing full well what i might hear, she tells me alot but i know at the end of the day she has so many deep emotions running around in her head.

 

i respect peoples insight and their right to say what they want,thats what i want, i want to understand whats going on or what might happen, that to me is constructive,when they bash and treat me like i am the one that hurt them, that is not constructive.

 

anyway yes we are making progress together and i am truly commited to being a better person,to my w,to my kids,to people around me but most of all to myself..

[PhoenixRise]

this is all very well said and i agree with you...

 

i know she is feeling these things towards me as she should, i actually try to get them out of her,i ask her what she is thinking and i say please tell me, i say these things knowing full well what i might hear, she tells me alot but i know at the end of the day she has so many deep emotions running around in her head.

 

i respect peoples insight and their right to say what they want,thats what i want, i want to understand whats going on or what might happen, that to me is constructive,when they bash and treat me like i am the one that hurt them, that is not constructive.

 

anyway yes we are making progress together and i am truly commited to being a better person,to my w,to my kids,to people around me but most of all to myself..

 

 

I get that you are saying to your wife "tell me how you are feeling" I get that you feel that you can take it and want to hear it. I am saying that it may not be something she believes she CAN share with you right now.

 

Does she have someone she can talk to? Is she confiding in a friend or counselor?

[NOTSURE7]

I get that you are saying to your wife "tell me how you are feeling" I get that you feel that you can take it and want to hear it. I am saying that it may not be something she believes she CAN share with you right now.

 

Does she have someone she can talk to? Is she confiding in a friend or counselor?

 

i understand that and you are probably correct..

 

she has only confided in 2 people, one is my mother and the other is a close friend of hers that also happens to be a therapist so i am hoping she can say what she needs too to her.we will also start mc this week..

[Dexter Morgan]

Here's that "Once A Cheater" "Once A Liar" phrase again UGH!

It is SO FALSE.!!

 

 

well it wouldn't be false in NS's cse. He said so himself. He agreed that if he didn't tell his wife and face the consequences, that he feels he would cheat again. Why? because he likes it. He even said that he only hopes that he can keep from cheating even after coming clean.

 

only hopes??

[NOTSURE7]

well it wouldn't be false in NS's cse. He said so himself. He agreed that if he didn't tell his wife and face the consequences, that he feels he would cheat again. Why? because he likes it. He even said that he only hopes that he can keep from cheating even after coming clean.

 

only hopes??

 

once a cheater always a cheater is false, i truly beleive it is a false statement..i beleive people can change and clean up there act.

 

yes if i didnt face a consequence and i didnt try to find the happiness i need within my m then there is a good chance i would have continued to cheat but i chose a different route because i no longer wanted to be a cheater and live my life as a lie...so to be clear, i dont like cheating at all..i made a decision to cheat and i am guilty of it but i do not like it one bit and in no way do i think its right.

 

dex- just curiously when did i ever say that i only hope that i can keep from cheating even after coming clean?...i would like to see where your getting that from because i do not recall ever saying that...

[whichwayisup]

NS, hopefully when you do IC (individual counselling), your main issue will come out - You not sure if you're inlove with your wife.

 

I know you feel awful about cheating on her and the remorse is there - Maybe seeing your wife like this has woke up feelings inside of you, intimate ones - The problem is, you said from day one when you got married, you never felt "it" for your wife. Yes you love her, she's the mother of your kids, she adores you and all, but it is one sided..

 

Don't lose sight of your own issues that need to be dealt with first, before plunging ahead to fix your marriage. In 4-6 months time, you could feel different about saving the marriage.

 

Just make yourself a promise, don't stay with your wife out of duty or obligation. Only stay if you've truly found that love for her.. So you'll be happier and not just putting on a poker face to make her happy. Make sense?

 

Anyway, good luck this week in counselling, hope things go well.

[bentnotbroken]

NS, hopefully when you do IC (individual counselling), your main issue will come out - You not sure if you're inlove with your wife.

 

I know you feel awful about cheating on her and the remorse is there - Maybe seeing your wife like this has woke up feelings inside of you, intimate ones - The problem is, you said from day one when you got married, you never felt "it" for your wife. Yes you love her, she's the mother of your kids, she adores you and all, but it is one sided..

 

Don't lose sight of your own issues that need to be dealt with first, before plunging ahead to fix your marriage. In 4-6 months time, you could feel different about saving the marriage.

 

Just make yourself a promise, don't stay with your wife out of duty or obligation. Only stay if you've truly found that love for her.. So you'll be happier and not just putting on a poker face to make her happy. Make sense?

 

Anyway, good luck this week in counselling, hope things go well.

 

 

I agree with WWIU. Unless NS deals with himself he won't ever know how what the root of his issues are. He can't love and respect anyone else if he can't love and respect himself. If the love is truly gone, then IC will help you move on and learn to have a healthy relationship in the future. I do IC and it has helped to face myself and overcome some life long issues. New coping skills are a must to succeed in turning away from destructive habits.

[NOTSURE7]

NS, hopefully when you do IC (individual counselling), your main issue will come out - You not sure if you're inlove with your wife.

 

I know you feel awful about cheating on her and the remorse is there - Maybe seeing your wife like this has woke up feelings inside of you, intimate ones - The problem is, you said from day one when you got married, you never felt "it" for your wife. Yes you love her, she's the mother of your kids, she adores you and all, but it is one sided..

 

Don't lose sight of your own issues that need to be dealt with first, before plunging ahead to fix your marriage. In 4-6 months time, you could feel different about saving the marriage.

 

Just make yourself a promise, don't stay with your wife out of duty or obligation. Only stay if you've truly found that love for her.. So you'll be happier and not just putting on a poker face to make her happy. Make sense?

 

Anyway, good luck this week in counselling, hope things go well.

 

that all makes sense...we have mc tonight and i have ic again next week..

 

to be honest though, i am not sure when i stated that i never felt it for my w that that was entirely true,i wrote alot of that still in a deep fog and living in a fantasy land, you say and o alot of things when you are in the heat of an ea and full blown A, with a clear mind i feel that maybe alot of what i was thinking and writing was trying to convince myself that what i was doing was right at the time...but you are right i need to make sure i deal with my own issues and make the proper decisions going forward.

[NOTSURE7]

I agree with WWIU. Unless NS deals with himself he won't ever know how what the root of his issues are. He can't love and respect anyone else if he can't love and respect himself. If the love is truly gone, then IC will help you move on and learn to have a healthy relationship in the future. I do IC and it has helped to face myself and overcome some life long issues. New coping skills are a must to succeed in turning away from destructive habits.

 

i 100 % agree and that is why i am going to ic and mc, i am 36 and i want to live the rest of my life clean and honest.

[whichwayisup]

to be honest though, i am not sure when i stated that i never felt it for my w that that was entirely true,i wrote alot of that still in a deep fog and living in a fantasy land, you say and o alot of things when you are in the heat of an ea and full blown A, with a clear mind i feel that maybe alot of what i was thinking and writing was trying to convince myself that what i was doing was right at the time...but you are right i need to make sure i deal with my own issues and make the proper decisions going forward.

When you got married and had kids, did you feel that "love" for your wife? I just ask because I'm pretty sure you mentioned that you didn't feel 'it' while getting married, deep down it wasn't there.

 

I DO hope that new feelings of love and respect surface for your wife because she is a good woman. Someone YOU need so you can be the man you're supposed to be.

 

I like your honesty here. Not that many around here in these types of situation dig down as deep and just put it out there.

[NOTSURE7]

When you got married and had kids, did you feel that "love" for your wife? I just ask because I'm pretty sure you mentioned that you didn't feel 'it' while getting married, deep down it wasn't there.

 

I DO hope that new feelings of love and respect surface for your wife because she is a good woman. Someone YOU need so you can be the man you're supposed to be.

 

I like your honesty here. Not that many around here in these types of situation dig down as deep and just put it out there.

 

yes i definetely flet that love for my wife, i have always had love for her but in realtiy i think its me and my issues that cause me maybe to not even understand how to love, make any sense?

 

when i got married i had alot of issues going on,i had just found out my dad cheated on my mom etc etc,i was very needy and along came this perfect person who just took care of me and showed me unconditional love, of course you now know i took that for granted but as far as the love goes, i believe now it was always there but now i need to learn about myself and i need to be a better man and learn how to show her the same unconditional love she has always showed me, so thats my goal.

 

she is a very good woman and she is the perfect person to help me to become a better man... she deserves me to be a good man and if i cant do that she deserves better....

[Dexter Morgan]

once a cheater always a cheater is false, i truly beleive it is a false statement

 

yet you only wonder if you can stay faithful.

 

 

i beleive people can change and clean up there act.

 

alcoholics can change, and never let liquor touch their lips ever again....but they are still alcoholics.

 

just like cheaters...you may choose never to cheat again because you don't want to f##k up your comfortable situation....but you still would like to get some strange now and then...you just refrain from it due to the consequences.

 

 

yes if i didnt face a consequence and i didnt try to find the happiness i need within my m then there is a good chance i would have continued to cheat but i chose a different route because i no longer wanted to be a cheater and live my life as a lie

 

and you have said in past posts that you hope that, even in the face of telling your wife, that you can keep yourself from cheating.

 

 

 

so to be clear, i dont like cheating at all..i made a decision to cheat and i am guilty of it but i do not like it one bit and in no way do i think its right.

 

 

nobody said cheaters like the IDEA of cheating...they just like the gratification that comes from the act of cheating.

 

 

 

dex- just curiously when did i ever say that i only hope that i can keep from cheating even after coming clean?

 

you said it in a reply to me...its there in you "need it all out" thread. I'm not going to sift through 73 pages, however, just to prove to you what I remember.

 

But aside from that, can you tell us without a doubt that, now that your wife knows, that you will NEVER cheat again and that you NEVER will have a desire to have sex with someone outside your marriage(whether you actually ever do again or not)?

[confusedinkansas]

yet you only wonder if you can stay faithful.

 

alcoholics can change, and never let liquor touch their lips ever again....but they are still alcoholics.

 

just like cheaters...you may choose never to cheat again because you don't want to f##k up your comfortable situation....but you still would like to get some strange now and then...you just refrain from it due to the consequences.

 

But aside from that, can you tell us without a doubt that, now that your wife knows, that you will NEVER cheat again and that you NEVER will have a desire to have sex with someone outside your marriage(whether you actually ever do again or not)?

 

This is a bunch-a-hooie!!! Dex you should know by now after posting as long as you have that PEOPLE DO & CAN CHANGE!

Just because a thought pops in your head.....does not mean you act on it. Sheesh. Just because someone wants to eat a gallon of ice cream doesn't mean they go out & do it!!!

 

This topic has been discussed here. Just because you THINK about something does not mean you act on it.

 

Men that may have never cheated on their wives & are pure as the driven snow (such as yourself) perhaps look at porn from time to time & daydream & wonder what it would be like. Then the thought passes - they don't act on it. Does that mean they are damaged goods too??

 

You're always looking for a dig aren'tcha dex?