Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Awwwwww Poor poor OW Maybe it is not as bad as you think. Maybe her husband will console her over the loss of Notsure. Maybe her husband will protect her from Notsure's flip flopping. i agree, "poor ow", i mean really,i am no saint but to say the ow is some innocent,"poor" woman is ridiculous. plus i went full nc so i dont see how i am hurting this ow.. she has posted silly things that i am no longer responding too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Notsure I think that as long as you stay honest with yourself, your wife, your counselor you will be ok. Ask CIK said, you may have setbacks along the way, but staying honest is the key. of course i expect setbacks, this is going to be a tough road ahead but i feel that if i stay true and honest and i stay the course it will be great in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Ok - out of the blue question....Probably should post on your other board - but I was reading here. Has the other woman contacted you at all, text, voicemail, email? Anything? Even to just see how you're doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Ok - out of the blue question....Probably should post on your other board - but I was reading here. Has the other woman contacted you at all, text, voicemail, email? Anything? Even to just see how you're doing? no she hasnt,the last communication was on the morning after dday(2 weeks ago) and she wrote in response to my nc email that she was hurt but knew she needed to say goodbye etc etc, i didnt respond. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 The ow isn't your concern or worth the energy to think of her. You have a big enough mess that will require every ounce of time and energy you possess to clean up. Let her figure it out, she's a big girl. Let her put on the big girl panties and get on with her life. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 NS, Just out of curiosity... Did you ever have any feelings for this OW? I mean, you risked your marriage to be with her. You lied and betrayed your wife to be with her. You told her you loved her and you had sex with her (I'm presuming more than once). You were ready to ditch your marriage for her. Did she not have SOME redeeming qualities? Was there not something about her that you liked? You sound almost irritated or resentful towards her. Why? Did she do something to piss you off? I am only asking because you seemed to do such a quick about face...one minute calling her a soulmate..the next minute acting like you are ticked off at her. When I had an EA with a coworker whom I had known for one year, it was very difficult to "kill" the feelings for him. Withdrawal was horrible. NC was the only thing that helped me move past it. My EA surely ended, but I never thought ill of the OM for having an affair with me. We were in it together. We hurt each other and only had ourselves to blame...not each other. I recall calling you "fickle"...similar to another poster accusing you of "flip-flopping." I think it's because it's hard to believe that a human being could get so intimately involved with another person...and two weeks later feel absolutely nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 From what I can remember, the OW is a MW, and has no plans on leaving her marriage either.. Also, the NC played a part in why he has been more detached from the OW/MW, and probably coming clean and seeing his wife's reaction woke up alot of feelings inside of him for his wife.. It is possible that lust/sexual attraction/attention was mistaken for love and deep intimate feelings. It wouldn't be the first time a MM changed his views on what he felt for his OW. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 It is possible that lust/sexual attraction/attention was mistaken for love and deep intimate feelings. It wouldn't be the first time a MM changed his views on what he felt for his OW. You could say the same for how he is acting with is wife right now. My guess is he is trying to make the same connection with his wife that he had with the OW. Taylor: I understand his anger towards the OW it is a good way to get over someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 You could say the same for how he is acting with is wife right now. My guess is he is trying to make the same connection with his wife that he had with the OW. then he will fail. he needs a different connection with his wife. wanting the SAME connection with the other woman will only get him comparing her to the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 then he will fail. he needs a different connection with his wife. wanting the SAME connection with the other woman will only get him comparing her to the OW. Oh dang it must be snowing in hell you and I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 You could say the same for how he is acting with is wife right now. My guess is he is trying to make the same connection with his wife that he had with the OW. Maybe, maybe not. I can't answer for him, so hopefully NS can let you know. I agree, it IS a good way of getting over someone. He owes the MW/OW NOTHING. It's over and it's best for him NOT to remember/think/miss/fantasize about her.. Looks like he's done a good job it by taking control back and not breaking NC. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 then he will fail. he needs a different connection with his wife. wanting the SAME connection with the other woman will only get him comparing her to the OW. Oh dang it must be snowing in hell you and I agree. OMG Me too! I agree 100% with the statement Dex made!!! The absolutely worst thing he could do is "compare" the two women. Ouch! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 no she hasnt,the last communication was on the morning after dday(2 weeks ago) and she wrote in response to my nc email that she was hurt but knew she needed to say goodbye etc etc, i didnt respond. And don't respond. You owe her nothing. Besides, she's married and has her own husband to be concerned about. She should consider herself LUCKY that your wife hasn't called her or her husband to let him know what she's been up to with you. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I agree, it IS a good way of getting over someone. He owes the MW/OW NOTHING. It's over and it's best for him NOT to remember/think/miss/fantasize about her.. Looks like he's done a good job it by taking control back and not breaking NC. He is two weeks out on NC that is NOTHING. I too was fine for around a month after NC was established then I rebounded. I too used anger to get over the really rough times about thinking about the OW. For a short time I sounded like thought like the OP. Thinking everything is fine and dandy this short of a time from D-Day is short sighted. There is no short cut or simply walking away. If he truly was able to just walk away his wife should do the same since being able to turn off emotions that easy is scary. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Taylor: I understand his anger towards the OW it is a good way to get over someone. I agree with this PKN. But the question is: What is he basing this anger, resentment, irritation, on? What is the SOURCE or REASONING behind these negative feelings. Did the OW do something to provoke these negative feelings he has toward her? Or is he just conjuring up "fake" negative feelings for her? I ask only because I desperately wanted to be angry..to hate..my OM. I said to myself often that I could "get over" him so much faster if I could get mad at him or hate him for something. But for what? Not being able to find a reason to be angry at him or to hate him prolonged withdrawal. So, I am curious about what this OP did to instill negative feelings inside of himself about a woman he recently called his soulmate..someone he recently said he was ready to leave his marriage for. It's one thing to acknowledge the affair was wrong and to right the wrong. It's a whole other thing to be angry, resentful, irritated at a person who was doing the same thing you were doing. or to blame them for your wrongdoing. Not sure what the case is here. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Oh dang it must be snowing in hell you and I agree. :laugh::laugh::bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Part of the grieving and self evaluation process is anger. Whether it's rightly place or not, only NS7 knows for sure. We may not know all the facts. He did post something about her posting, not sure what that's all about. But I think that being angry for a time is normal for all involved. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Part of the grieving and self evaluation process is anger. Whether it's rightly place or not, only NS7 knows for sure. We may not know all the facts. He did post something about her posting, not sure what that's all about. But I think that being angry for a time is normal for all involved. Oh your right. But that is why I caution jumping on the bandwagon that everything is fine because he is angry with the OW (currently). Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 She should consider herself LUCKY that your wife hasn't called her or her husband to let him know what she's been up to with you. And NS should consider himself lucky his OW didn't tell her husband the truth because NS may have had a dangerous, angry husband on his doorstep. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 But I think that being angry for a time is normal for all involved. Oh, I think it is quite normal for the WS to get angry...at himself. I can also see the WS getting angry at the spouse..blaming them for neglecting the marriage or contributing to the marriage's deterioration. But I don't understand the negative feelings toward the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 But I don't understand the negative feelings toward the OP. You mean the MW/OW? She was his affair partner, she helped him cheat on his wife, he helped her cheat on her husband. He changed his mind, decided he didn't want to feel anything for her, so he's either buried the feelings and wants to get over her. Men are better at separating and burying feelings than women are. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 And NS should consider himself lucky his OW didn't tell her husband the truth because NS may have had a dangerous, angry husband on his doorstep. She wouldn't confess to her own husband. She never wanted to leave her marriage to begin with. Who knows what the MW's H would do. He still could find out though, if NS's wife wants to tell him and talk to the MW. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 You mean the MW/OW? She was his affair partner, she helped him cheat on his wife, he helped her cheat on her husband. He changed his mind, decided he didn't want to feel anything for her, so he's either buried the feelings and wants to get over her. Men are better at separating and burying feelings than women are. I don't see him burying positive feelings for the OW/MW as much as I see him projecting negative feelings toward her..an anger, a resentment. Just want to know what the source of THOSE feelings are. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Men are better at separating and burying feelings than women are. Buried feelings are still feelings...just buried. They still exist below the surface. PKN can attest to that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Probably is more angry with himself and right now it's easier to throw his anger out towards her since he is dealing with the fallout and D-Day at home. I dunno..Just a guess. Hopefully he'll answer when he's back. You doing OK taylor? Link to post Share on other sites
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