Hysterical Bonding- A Phase ?

[whichwayisup]

Nothing against you taylor, but I think some people do project their own issues.. Just because afew people think that you need to take time to apologize to the exOW, doesn't mean you should. All that will do is open another can of worms and keep drama in your life, which you don't need!

 

So your IC and MC aren't the same person?

[NOTSURE7]

See I am giving you so much grief because you are doing the same things I did. Almost to a tee. So I don't find your statements to ring totally true, because I have been there.

 

I too threw myself into working on the marriage partly to get past my xOW and to live the life I wanted. I too did not grovel etc....

 

If you are truly over the OW good deal, I was not as lucky. But based on what you are saying, you could rebound. If you do it is OK it is part of the process.

 

But good luck to you what ever the outcome.

 

so can i ask what is your status today?, did the m work out and did you find the happiness you wanted within your m?

 

i respect what you are saying and of course no 2 people or marriages are alike, so i am hearing what you are saying but sitting here today i truly beleive i am over the ow and the A..

[NOTSURE7]

Nothing against you taylor, but I think some people do project their own issues.. Just because afew people think that you need to take time to apologize to the exOW, doesn't mean you should. All that will do is open another can of worms and keep drama in your life, which you don't need!

 

So your IC and MC aren't the same person?

 

everyone has a right to their opinion but what i see here over time is people do project there own agenda and get angry when you arent fitting the exact mold, i am of the thinking that no 2 people or marrigaes or affairs are alike,yes there are similarities and patterns but nothing is exact, so why should i live by statitics or by what i am told will happen or is supposed to happen, i beleive that i can control my own destiny and not be governed by stats and make decisions based on what is supposed to happen,or how i am supposed to react or feel or what my w is supposed to do..its ridiculous to live that way.

 

no they are different but work in same office and work together..i wanted to have an ic to work on me alone and a mc to work on us.

[whichwayisup]

i truly beleive i am over the ow and the A..

 

Then run with this. If she isn't in your thoughts, you're not thinking of her, missing her, wanting her, wondering what she is up to, wanting to break NC, then yeah, it seems you're realizing that she was just a symptom of your own issues.

 

It's easy to confuse lust/major sexual attraction to feeling inlove. It really does seem like you know what's what and have moved on, on an emotion level from the exOW.

[pkn06002]

so can i ask what is your status today?, did the m work out and did you find the happiness you wanted within your m?

 

i respect what you are saying and of course no 2 people or marriages are alike, so i am hearing what you are saying but sitting here today i truly beleive i am over the ow and the A..

 

The marriage is going along and no it is not the happiness that I want. But marriage is a compromise and I have come to terms with that.

 

Look take what I and other WS are telling you as a cautionary tale. To you things may look great now and you may believe you are over everything. But don't be surprised if that is not the case in the future.

 

I want to throw my hat in that AP's don't owe apologies to each other. That does not mean I agree with the throwing people under the bus either. If you cared for the person you leave it at that as a personal matter and move on.

[NOTSURE7]

Then run with this. If she isn't in your thoughts, you're not thinking of her, missing her, wanting her, wondering what she is up to, wanting to break NC, then yeah, it seems you're realizing that she was just a symptom of your own issues.

 

It's easy to confuse lust/major sexual attraction to feeling inlove. It really does seem like you know what's what and have moved on, on an emotion level from the exOW.

 

nice to see someone understands its possible...

[pkn06002]

Then run with this. If she isn't in your thoughts, you're not thinking of her, missing her, wanting her, wondering what she is up to, wanting to break NC, then yeah, it seems you're realizing that she was just a symptom of your own issues.

 

It's easy to confuse lust/major sexual attraction to feeling inlove. It really does seem like you know what's what and have moved on, on an emotion level from the exOW.

 

See your jumping on music to a BS's ears.

 

As a WS's I am skeptical since I have been there done that.

[NOTSURE7]

The marriage is going along and no it is not the happiness that I want. But marriage is a compromise and I have come to terms with that.

 

Look take what I and other WS are telling you as a cautionary tale. To you things may look great now and you may believe you are over everything. But don't be surprised if that is not the case in the future.

 

I want to throw my hat in that AP's don't owe apologies to each other. That does not mean I agree with the throwing people under the bus either. If you cared for the person you leave it at that as a personal matter and move on.

 

i never threw her under the bus,what i did was no different then when she ended it by saying we need to go our seperate ways, the only difference is i ended it and actually went nc and went my seperate way to work on myself and my m.

 

i dont think things look great now, i am often very sad and depressed but this is over myself and the life i have lived and the hurt i have caused my wo by not being able to be myself and by not giving her a chance to know the real me.

 

so i am sorry to all out there that disagree or are skeptical that im not pining for her or missing her or wondering what she is doing or going through withdrawl etc but thats just not what i am doing or plan to be doing with my life going forward.

[NOTSURE7]

See your jumping on music to a BS's ears.

 

As a WS's I am skeptical since I have been there done that.

 

again, it may be music to a bs's ears but i am talking for myself and what is going on within me, thats all..

[pkn06002]

i never threw her under the bus,what i did was no different then when she ended it by saying we need to go our seperate ways, the only difference is i ended it and actually went nc and went my seperate way to work on myself and my m.

 

My statement was a general one not a response to you on the subject.

 

i dont think things look great now, i am often very sad and depressed but this is over myself and the life i have lived and the hurt i have caused my wo by not being able to be myself and by not giving her a chance to know the real me.

 

Be careful with this I went through the same thing

 

so i am sorry to all out there that disagree or are skeptical that im not pining for her or missing her or wondering what she is doing or going through withdrawl etc but thats just not what i am doing or plan to be doing with my life going forward.

 

Sorry about what??? Nothing for you to be sorry to us about. Skeptical yes because you are not following the pattern. That pattern is pretty well established from affair to affair.

 

I am skeptical because of my past and how similar our reactions have been.

 

But if you truly have switched this quickly (which would make you an outlyer) that is a bit concerning and not something that should be celebrated enthusiastically since it does give a bit of your mindset about relationships. Something I would say you need to discuss with your IC (not the MC). Not so much to bring up the OW but why you can disconnect so easily.

 

I brought this up earlier and will caution again. What will you do if your wife does not meet the new you to your wishes. Are you willing to compromise and live a life not as yourself or are you going to stray again. Because you did mention you have cheated in the past. Or do you do the final solution and divorce? All things you need to thinking about and discuss with you IC since that will effect how you deal later in the recovery.

[NOTSURE7]

My statement was a general one not a response to you on the subject.

 

 

 

Be careful with this I went through the same thing

 

 

 

Sorry about what??? Nothing for you to be sorry to us about. Skeptical yes because you are not following the pattern. That pattern is pretty well established from affair to affair.

 

I am skeptical because of my past and how similar our reactions have been.

 

But if you truly have switched this quickly (which would make you an outlyer) that is a bit concerning and not something that should be celebrated enthusiastically since it does give a bit of your mindset about relationships. Something I would say you need to discuss with your IC (not the MC). Not so much to bring up the OW but why you can disconnect so easily.

 

I brought this up earlier and will caution again. What will you do if your wife does not meet the new you to your wishes. Are you willing to compromise and live a life not as yourself or are you going to stray again. Because you did mention you have cheated in the past. Or do you do the final solution and divorce? All things you need to thinking about and discuss with you IC since that will effect how you deal later in the recovery.

 

i have actually told my ic all of this and we will work on better understanding it.

 

i am not expecting my w to meet every single one of my wishes at all, in fact there are alot of things withing my m that i want to stay the same, but no i will not compromise at this point,going through this process will not be worth it if i dont make changes in myself and my m and finally stop living a lie..i will give my m 100% and if i find myself after ic,mc and all the talk and discussion with my w right back were i started then i will have to explore the final options of divorce, but i am not even thinking about those options and i dont even really want them to be options, i truly beleive that i can find the happiness with my w and 3 kids but i realize that i have a ton of work that needs to be done to achieve this and have a healthy,happy m in the future.

[PhoenixRise]

i have actually told my ic all of this and we will work on better understanding it.

 

i am not expecting my w to meet every single one of my wishes at all, in fact there are alot of things withing my m that i want to stay the same, but no i will not compromise at this point,going through this process will not be worth it if i dont make changes in myself and my m and finally stop living a lie..i will give my m 100% and if i find myself after ic,mc and all the talk and discussion with my w right back were i started then i will have to explore the final options of divorce, but i am not even thinking about those options and i dont even really want them to be options, i truly beleive that i can find the happiness with my w and 3 kids but i realize that i have a ton of work that needs to be done to achieve this and have a healthy,happy m in the future.

 

Notsure

 

 

I am glad that you are saying this. I too had wondered what would happen, what you would do if something was revealed in IC or MC that caused you to feel differently about your marriage or if since you have been pretending for so long, what if the real you and your wife are not compatible and CAN'T meet each others needs.

 

I know you don't think that will happen, but I hope you mean it when you say that you will divorce before you start to lie to yourself or your wife again.

[NOTSURE7]

Notsure

 

 

I am glad that you are saying this. I too had wondered what would happen, what you would do if something was revealed in IC or MC that caused you to feel differently about your marriage or if since you have been pretending for so long, what if the real you and your wife are not compatible and CAN'T meet each others needs.

 

I know you don't think that will happen, but I hope you mean it when you say that you will divorce before you start to lie to yourself or your wife again.

 

yes i do meant it,i will continue to be honest in mc and yes its very possible that the real me and my w arent compatible but i really beleive we are and with better understanding and alot of work as to of who i am and who i want to be and also what she wants i beleive we can make it work.

[Ariadne]

But if you are truly capable of turning your emotions on a dime like this your a scary person that I would not want one I know involved with.

 

Exactly. This guy is the biggest flake. Just flips reality up and down to fit the needs. And that becomes the new reality.

 

One day his love for the OW was that of a soulmate, the next it was a fog and he could care less.

 

Beware of these individuals. The wife is up for a ride. Soon he'll be cheating with the next, and turning reality over again.

 

And look at this:

 

i know that i have never ever lived an honest day in my life,my wife is living a dream

 

Well, now after many years, it all has changed! He is a new honest man.

 

The only reason he is here is for the BS to encourage him in this new found reality. And for him to be encouraged that he is doing the right thing and feel good about it.

 

He already says he wants to hold hands with the wife till they fall asleep, you can see he already started to reject her sexually, but is stll pushing the new reality along.

 

I really hope he leaves the OW alone, who knows what he told her during the affair and now her M is probably a mess because of this (not like he cares anyway).

[NOTSURE7]

Exactly. This guy is the biggest flake. Just flips reality up and down to fit the needs. And that becomes the new reality.

 

One day his love for the OW was that of a soulmate, the next it was a fog and he could care less.

 

Beware of these individuals. The wife is up for a ride. Soon he'll be cheating with the next, and turning reality over again.

 

And look at this:

 

 

 

Well, now after many years, it all has changed! He is a new honest man.

 

The only reason he is here is for the BS to encourage him in this new found reality. And for him to be encouraged that he is doing the right thing and feel good about it.

 

He already says he wants to hold hands with the wife till they fall asleep, you can see he already started to reject her sexually, but is stll pushing the new reality along.

 

I really hope he leaves the OW alone, who knows what he told her during the affair and now her M is probably a mess because of this (not like he cares anyway).

 

 

if you would actually stop and look and read you will see that i am not flip flopping and that all of the things you continue to post from me were all said before i decided to come clean and confess my a to my w, so yes i did that as a result of many things and now my mindset has changed,find one post by me since dday that i flip flop in and also find me one post that indicates since dday that i plan to do anything with the ow but have nc and move on.you just take things and try to criticize me, why call yourself a "supporting member", you offer no support and really resort to name calling.

 

im sorry that you are upset that i dont still consider the ow my soulmate

 

its sad really, your posts continue to scream that you were hurt by an om...it sad that you cant give any constructive advice because you have been so hurt in the past.maybe the infidelity board is not the spot for you.

[Ariadne]

im sorry that you are upset that i dont still consider the ow my soulmate

its sad really, your posts continue to scream that you were hurt by an om...it sad that you cant give any constructive advice because you have been so hurt in the past.maybe the infidelity board is not the spot for you.

 

Typical MM behavior. As you can see people, he likes to turn things around to the other party.

 

Yes, I can see that since Dday, like a couple weeks ago, you have been trying to work on the marriage.

 

See how long that's going to last.

 

(I give it a few months till you start looking online for another person or going for some gambling because you are unhappy with the marriage. I find you completely unreliable for what I've seen so far).

[NOTSURE7]

Typical MM behavior. As you can see people, he likes to turn things around to the other party.

 

Yes, I can see that since Dday, like a couple weeks ago, you have been trying to work on the marriage.

 

See how long that's going to last.

 

(I give it a few months till you start looking online for another person or going for some gambling because you are unhappy with the marriage. I find you completely unreliable for what I've seen so far).

 

well now we at least know you were hurt by a mm, your hurt is so obvious its almost sad you are on here pretending to give advice but really using this board to unleash your anger at what happened to you, i am not your mm so please take the issues that hurt you up with him or better yet someone who can help you..

 

try actually supporting someone,its alot more constructive.

[angie2443]

NOTSURE7, the main differance I see between you and another poster on this thread who was a WH is that you seem to respect your wife and he looked at his wife, IMO, with disgust and contempt. You may have a chance. If I remember right, you did have a addictive personality ( sorry if I'm confusing you with someone else) and this may cause serious problems in recovery. I wish you well in working through this.

[Ariadne]

well now we at least know you were hurt by a mm, your hurt is so obvious its almost sad you are on here pretending to give advice but really using this board to unleash your anger at what happened to you, i am not your mm so please take the issues that hurt you up with him or better yet someone who can help you..

 

try actually supporting someone,its alot more constructive.

 

I don't really have any advice to give you.

 

I'm just telling you what I see from your patterns.

 

I can't tell you you are doing great and congratulations for working on you marriage, because I see that as temporary.

 

All I can say is good luck.

[pkn06002]

NOTSURE7, the main differance I see between you and another poster on this thread who was a WH is that you seem to respect your wife and he looked at his wife, IMO, with disgust and contempt. You may have a chance. If I remember right, you did have a addictive personality ( sorry if I'm confusing you with someone else) and this may cause serious problems in recovery. I wish you well in working through this.

 

You think he respects his wife?? He cheated on her. Yep all of a sudden he respects his wife and wants a ever eternal bond. Oh forgot only if that bond is on his terms.

 

It is interesting how BS are defending NS7 and the WS are seeing issues in the story. Interesting turn about.

 

Angie have you read his first thread? Sorry no respect there, but I guess he is saying the right things to get BS support.

[NOTSURE7]

You think he respects his wife?? He cheated on her. Yep all of a sudden he respects his wife and wants a ever eternal bond. Oh forgot only if that bond is on his terms.

 

It is interesting how BS are defending NS7 and the WS are seeing issues in the story. Interesting turn about.

 

Angie have you read his first thread? Sorry no respect there, but I guess he is saying the right things to get BS support.

 

please everyone cut out this "all of the sudden" crap, i am not hear for votes, but yes i am someone who is trying to change his ways and is looking for support from people here to help me do that, i have not claimed that i have had a complete rebirth, but since dday my eyes have been opned and i have opened my mind to complete and honest change..but when your talking to an audience of people who might have been hurt on either side it becomes tough to get support or guidance and i seem to be met with criticism and skeptisim instead.

 

so, first off i do respect my wife,i decided to reveal my A to give her a choice on how she wants to live the rest of her life and also let her know who i am.if i had no respect i could have continued on this path and could have done nothing to try and break my cycle.i dont care if you side with me but this is what i chose to do for myself and my w and my m..

 

its interesting to me that people see me here to gain support for myself, thats far from fact, i am here to gain insight and listen and share my story with people who have been there or been through it, to help guide me or make me more understanding of what is to come..

 

but everytime i dont agree with a bs or a ws and i dont fit the typical mold of how i am expected to be at this particular stage they post insults and call me names...i understand people were hurt in the past but i am not the person who hurt you..

[pkn06002]

NS7

 

I went back and read a few of your older posts and you are not as a-typical as you seem on this thread. What you posted earlier is very "normal" for a WH. You are only a-typical if you pick up your story from this thread going forward.

 

My all of a sudden comment is in response to others in this thread that seem to see you as some type of model WS. Which by your previous posts you are far from.

 

Respect your wife? Sorry but I call Bull on that. I read your old threads you have done nothing but disrespect your wife for YEARS. So to claim you respect her now since D-day rings a bit hollow.

 

Your post above is full of buzz phrases that BS's want to hear from a collection of sites. Especially that middle comment.

 

I am now back to the opinion you are playing a part. You have just changed the players in game.

 

You want support??? Why you seem to have all of the "correct" answers already and are already doing all of the "correct" things. So your recovery and marriage should be fine. Continue with IC and MC and good luck to you.

[NOTSURE7]

NS7

 

I went back and read a few of your older posts and you are not as a-typical as you seem on this thread. What you posted earlier is very "normal" for a WH. You are only a-typical if you pick up your story from this thread going forward.

 

My all of a sudden comment is in response to others in this thread that seem to see you as some type of model WS. Which by your previous posts you are far from.

 

Respect your wife? Sorry but I call Bull on that. I read your old threads you have done nothing but disrespect your wife for YEARS. So to claim you respect her now since D-day rings a bit hollow.

 

Your post above is full of buzz phrases that BS's want to hear from a collection of sites. Especially that middle comment.

 

I am now back to the opinion you are playing a part. You have just changed the players in game.

 

You want support??? Why you seem to have all of the "correct" answers already and are already doing all of the "correct" things. So your recovery and marriage should be fine. Continue with IC and MC and good luck to you.

 

again for some reason you seem to think i am here playing to the crowd, your so far from the truth on that its not even worth arguing..

 

but thank you for your " correct" wishes, i wish you luck too because it seems you are taking what i write very personally, so you must have things you still need to clear up or some resentment somewhere..

[Ariadne]

I am now back to the opinion you are playing a part. You have just changed the players in game.

 

Agreed....

[pkn06002]

again for some reason you seem to think i am here playing to the crowd, your so far from the truth on that its not even worth arguing..

 

but thank you for your " correct" wishes, i wish you luck too because it seems you are taking what i write very personally, so you must have things you still need to clear up or some resentment somewhere..

 

Personally?? Oh no not in the least. I am calling it like I see it.

 

Too me you are a salesman and know what to tell people to get them to like you or to deflect criticism from you. Going by your old posts you have done a great job.

 

I don't think you are just playing to this crowd, I think you have your wife snowballed also.

 

I find it odd that only WS's are calling you out, but then maybe it takes people that have lived the lie you did to know what you are doing.

 

But in the end it is not my issue it's yours. Who knows maybe you really have changed your stripes from a cheating, gambling, lier to a decent person. Hope for your wifes sake that is true.

 

(shaking my head) I now sound like Dexter. LOL!!!!!