Hysterical Bonding- A Phase ?

[confusedinkansas]

again for some reason you seem to think i am here playing to the crowd, your so far from the truth on that its not even worth arguing..

 

but thank you for your " correct" wishes, i wish you luck too because it seems you are taking what i write very personally, so you must have things you still need to clear up or some resentment somewhere..

 

NS - don't let everyone here dig at you. (I know I did for a few posts - but then I realized I was once in your shoes) - sorry!

 

They are beating you to death - don't let them take away any of the positive aspects of what you are trying to do.

 

The reality is -- all we can do is TRY. And you obviously are.

 

For those that think that people CAN'T CHANGE after such an ordeal....YOU ARE WAYYY OFF BASE! Cuz it can & does happen!! Marriages DO survive things like this!!!

 

Cut the guy a little slack - he's what, 3 weeks into this. Sheesh!

[PhoenixRise]

again for some reason you seem to think i am here playing to the crowd, your so far from the truth on that its not even worth arguing..

 

but thank you for your " correct" wishes, i wish you luck too because it seems you are taking what i write very personally, so you must have things you still need to clear up or some resentment somewhere..

 

 

To be fair Notsure,

 

I think what is throwing some posters off is the fact that there has been a 180 degree change in you. It is evident in the tone as well as the content of your posts. You went from being so indecisive about whether or not you even wanted your marriage to seeming 100% sure that you wanted your marriage. You went from being convinced that your wife didn't want to know you and thinking that she just needed the family unit to be happy to feeling like you can be honest with her and build a true life with her. AND you went from saying that the OW was your soulmate and was perfect for you while your wife on the other hand had never been right for you, now you are saying that you actually WANT to build a life with your wife.

 

These changes have all played out in your posts in a very short amount of time. Now in my opinion, this does not necessarily mean that the change in you is not legitamite or lasting. There may be factors that have impacted you IRL that also influenced these changes.

 

Bottom line Notsure, take these posts questioning the lasting nature of your recent changes as an object lesson. Deep in her heart your wife may have some fear that these changes won't last. AND honestly, she is the only one you have to prove anything to. With your wife and with every other aspect of your life there is little to nothing you CAN say to prove to anyone that you have truly changed. Only long lasting action can prove anything to anybody.

 

In other words Notsure, You can show them a hell of a lot better than you can tell them.

[NOTSURE7]

NS - don't let everyone here dig at you. (I know I did for a few posts - but then I realized I was once in your shoes) - sorry!

 

They are beating you to death - don't let them take away any of the positive aspects of what you are trying to do.

 

The reality is -- all we can do is TRY. And you obviously are.

 

For those that think that people CAN'T CHANGE after such an ordeal....YOU ARE WAYYY OFF BASE! Cuz it can & does happen!! Marriages DO survive things like this!!!

 

Cut the guy a little slack - he's what, 3 weeks into this. Sheesh!

 

they wont throw me off track, they are just misguiding their anger and you can see the hurt and the resentment in thier posts,who knows maybe in a way it helps them and if its at my expense then so be it.

 

i know i can change and thats all i am trying to achieve,they can call me all the names they want but i will stay the course, they dont know me nor do they know my w and at the end of the day i dont really care what they have to say...

 

i come ls for support, if an intelligent person reads my posts they can see that i have accepted and taken advice and i am taking the neccesary steps to make changes, i am not doing this so i can be cheered by bs's everywhere or because i want to run for president of ls...i am doing this because i truly want to change, so yes my past speaks for itself and i am not denying it but i am trying to face up to it and make a change.

[NOTSURE7]

To be fair Notsure,

 

I think what is throwing some posters off is the fact that there has been a 180 degree change in you. It is evident in the tone as well as the content of your posts. You went from being so indecisive about whether or not you even wanted your marriage to seeming 100% sure that you wanted your marriage. You went from being convinced that your wife didn't want to know you and thinking that she just needed the family unit to be happy to feeling like you can be honest with her and build a true life with her. AND you went from saying that the OW was your soulmate and was perfect for you while your wife on the other hand had never been right for you, now you are saying that you actually WANT to build a life with your wife.

 

These changes have all played out in your posts in a very short amount of time. Now in my opinion, this does not necessarily mean that the change in you is not legitamite or lasting. There may be factors that have impacted you IRL that also influenced these changes.

 

Bottom line Notsure, take these posts questioning the lasting nature of your recent changes as an object lesson. Deep in her heart your wife may have some fear that these changes won't last. AND honestly, she is the only one you have to prove anything to. With your wife and with every other aspect of your life there is little to nothing you CAN say to prove to anyone that you have truly changed. Only long lasting action can prove anything to anybody.

 

In other words Notsure, You can show them a hell of a lot better than you can tell them.

 

and i 100 % agree, its not about showing them though, its about proving it to myself.

 

as far as my changes go, yes they may seem sudden but when i confessed all to my w and cleared myself of the lies and the guilt and the burden i had built up in my head, i also realized that i never ever gave her a shot,i never let her know the things i needed and early on she seems to be very receptive.

 

i chose my w and i love my w,i have 3 beautiful children with my w so you are damn right i want to try and build a life with her..i cant take back my past but i do think alot of what went wrong was perceived in my own head and i beleived she wasnt right for me etc etc because i never actually gave her a chance...so now i am doing that and i want it to work, i dont see what is so wrong, she now knows the real me and has a choice,she is choosing to love me and to work with me to create happiness..im not snowballing her at all..

 

when you remove yourself from an A and the fog of excitement it puts you in and on top of that you open up and become honest with yourself and your w, change can happen and some of it can happen quickly..so if people want to throw my old postings in my face that is there choice but at the end of the day it is me who must make the changes and find the true happiness that we all deserve in life.

[PhoenixRise]

and i 100 % agree, its not about showing them though, its about proving it to myself.

 

as far as my changes go, yes they may seem sudden but when i confessed all to my w and cleared myself of the lies and the guilt and the burden i had built up in my head, i also realized that i never ever gave her a shot,i never let her know the things i needed and early on she seems to be very receptive.

 

i chose my w and i love my w,i have 3 beautiful children with my w so you are damn right i want to try and build a life with her..i cant take back my past but i do think alot of what went wrong was perceived in my own head and i beleived she wasnt right for me etc etc because i never actually gave her a chance...so now i am doing that and i want it to work, i dont see what is so wrong, she now knows the real me and has a choice,she is choosing to love me and to work with me to create happiness..im not snowballing her at all..

 

when you remove yourself from an A and the fog of excitement it puts you in and on top of that you open up and become honest with yourself and your w, change can happen and some of it can happen quickly..so if people want to throw my old postings in my face that is there choice but at the end of the day it is me who must make the changes and find the true happiness that we all deserve in life.

 

 

I agree with you that it is about proving something to yourself.

 

You know Notsure..... I never equated you living honestly and being true to yourself with you staying in the marriage. I hope that you and your wife CAN pull together and build a great marriage and a great life since that is what you both want. I think you guys are off to a great start.

[MistyK]

NS7,

All Ariadne is sayoing, and others have gently cautioned you on this is that what you feel as genuine commitment to your M may not be be as unwavering tomorrow as you feel it today. Less than 24 hours before d-day you said you COULD NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT THE OW. Then abruptly you "cleared your head". That looks less like head-clearing and more like a natural reaction to overwhelming guilt. Guilt is a powerful motivator. And you're in THAT fog now. You still have much to explore before you can clearly declare your love for your wife when less than 2 weeks ago you said you didn't love her.

 

NO ONE IS DOUBTING your sincerity right now, today. All they're saying is that your repression/hasty compartmentalization of someone you "couldn't live without" in a matter of 6 hours is going to come out at some point. It just will. If you remain committed to your W at that time, it's going to be hard to stay on course. That doesn't mean you'll change your mind or that you'll even want to rekindle with the OW, just that it will be a distraction in your recovery that you should be prepared for.

[NOTSURE7]

I agree with you that it is about proving something to yourself.

 

You know Notsure..... I never equated you living honestly and being true to yourself with you staying in the marriage. I hope that you and your wife CAN pull together and build a great marriage and a great life since that is what you both want. I think you guys are off to a great start.

 

this is exactly what i am trying to achieve, she seems to be a more than willing partner and right now a strong,happy,honest marriage is our only option.

[NOTSURE7]

NS7,

All Ariadne is sayoing, and others have gently cautioned you on this is that what you feel as genuine commitment to your M may not be be as unwavering tomorrow as you feel it today. Less than 24 hours before d-day you said you COULD NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT THE OW. Then abruptly you "cleared your head". That looks less like head-clearing and more like a natural reaction to overwhelming guilt. Guilt is a powerful motivator. And you're in THAT fog now. You still have much to explore before you can clearly declare your love for your wife when less than 2 weeks ago you said you didn't love her.

 

NO ONE IS DOUBTING your sincerity right now, today. All they're saying is that your repression/hasty compartmentalization of someone you "couldn't live without" in a matter of 6 hours is going to come out at some point. It just will. If you remain committed to your W at that time, it's going to be hard to stay on course. That doesn't mean you'll change your mind or that you'll even want to rekindle with the OW, just that it will be a distraction in your recovery that you should be prepared for.

 

fair enough misty....but i really feel this isisnt about guilt but about love that was always there but because i built this life in my head and discounted my w as someone who wouldnt understand the real me i never gave it or her a real chance and that is all i am trying to do here.

[joyz]

they wont throw me off track, they are just misguiding their anger and you can see the hurt and the resentment in thier posts,

i know i can change and thats all i am trying to achieve.

 

 

u seemed very focused on what you want to do next, i hope you can really change and live the life that you want to live.

 

its all about motivation and willingness, as long as you have that, you can achieve anything. but the trick is keeping that drive alive. some people don't inspire that in us, others do. the feeling of wanting to live this life w them.

[NOTSURE7]

u seemed very focused on what you want to do next, i hope you can really change and live the life that you want to live.

 

its all about motivation and willingness, as long as you have that, you can achieve anything. but the trick is keeping that drive alive. some people don't inspire that in us, others do. the feeling of wanting to live this life w them.

 

i agree that you need to keep the drive, you are always at your best coming out of the starting gate and i understand that but i have to start somewhere and thats all i am doing here..

 

so yes i am focused, i want nothing more than to not become another statistic and to build an honest,loving,happy M with my W and 3 small children..

 

so i will do what it takes and face my own demons in the proccess but for people on here to not even give it a shot or call me a salesman is ridiculous.

[Ariadne]

this isisnt about guilt but about love that was always there but because i built this life in my head and discounted my w as someone who wouldnt understand the real me i never gave it or her a real chance and that is all i am trying to do here.

 

I do not think that NS will ever have true intimacy with the W, because he never had it in the marriage.

 

I believe that NS is some sort of sociopath (no mean to insult but my observation) and he has no deep feelings for anybody, is all bs, and didn't have deep feelings for the OW either.

 

He sees his marriage as some sort of safe port for his adventures and gambling, and likes the image of the perfect family.

 

When in fact, he sees the wife as some object that takes care of the household and the children. He even has a hard time having fulfilling sexual relationships with her and prefers them to hold hands, as long has he can stay detached from her as he wants.

 

No true intimacy there, and the MC and all that, is to make the wife believe that everything is on track. Soon, this train will collapse and it will be with some other online woman and more of the gambling.

 

He said he always lived a lie, and that's what it will continue to be.

[NOTSURE7]

I do not think that NS will ever have true intimacy with the W, because he never had it in the marriage.

 

I believe that NS is some sort of sociopath (no mean to insult but my observation) and he has no deep feelings for anybody, is all bs, and didn't have deep feelings for the OW either.

 

He sees his marriage as some sort of safe port for his adventures and gambling, and likes the image of the perfect family.

 

When in fact, he sees the wife as some object that takes care of the household and the children. He even has a hard time having fulfilling sexual relationships with her and prefers them to hold hands, as long has he can stay detached from her as he wants.

 

No true intimacy there, and the MC and all that, is to make the wife believe that everything is on track. Soon, this train will collapse and it will be with some other online woman and more of the gambling.

 

He said he always lived a lie, and that's what it will continue to be.

 

and to think is started this post just asking about hysterical bonding...

 

and now i have dr ariadne giving me her clinical opinion..you need to remove that "supportive" from your tilte because there is nothing supportive about your posts.

 

you have to give it up on this holding hands thing too, if you would actually read what i wrote ,it was that i told her we dont have to have sex everynight because i also love holding her hand and drifting off to sleep, never did i say i didnt enjoy intimacy with my w..

 

your welcome to your opinion and i will not waste my energy anymore defending myself from you,im too tired and have to many more important things to do then to defend myself from someone who had very clearly been hurt by a mm/wh in the past.

[Ariadne]

and to think is started this post just asking about hysterical bonding...

 

Yes, and I said from the start that the real question was when will this end.

 

You wanted to ask the BS, when they went on a sexual mode, for how long they kept it.

 

That was all.

 

And I'm sure you enjoy the discussion here with people and putting on the facade of reformed person up to a new start etc, because I can see it is fun.

 

I don't think you are capable of having intimacy with your wife or anybody.

[pkn06002]

your welcome to your opinion and i will not waste my energy anymore defending myself from you,im too tired and have to many more important things to do then to defend myself from someone who had very clearly been hurt by a mm/wh in the past.

 

Now if this is not an example of deflection I don't know what is.

 

confusedinkansas: Give him a break??? Something does not smell right, the story has changed too dramatically and parrots too many of the "correct" phrases for this to be real. When called on it NS7 does the little deflection comment like the one quoted.

 

If anything something has to be up for WS's to be parsing the posts of one of their own.

[NOTSURE7]

Now if this is not an example of deflection I don't know what is.

 

confusedinkansas: Give him a break??? Something does not smell right, the story has changed too dramatically and parrots too many of the "correct" phrases for this to be real. When called on it NS7 does the little deflection comment like the one quoted.

 

If anything something has to be up for WS's to be parsing the posts of one of their own.

 

lol, now we have a conspiracy theory too..

[stuckinoz]

 

I don't think you are capable of having intimacy with your wife or anybody.

 

Wow!! Pretty bold coming from someone that doesn't even know this man, his wife or his family. Hmm:o

[confusedinkansas]

lol, now we have a conspiracy theory too..

 

Sorry NS - guess you can stand up for yourself. I just don't think it's fair that they aren't giving you the benefit of the doubt. That's all......

Good luck! I'm pullin' for ya!! Been there/Done dat! I know it can work!

[NOTSURE7]

Wow!! Pretty bold coming from someone that doesn't even know this man, his wife or his family. Hmm:o

 

its not bold, its actually sad, your right she dosent know me and if you read everything she writes she has clearly been so hurt in the past by a mm/wh and i think she tried ic and that didnt work, she is just mad and resentful and misguiding her anger...

[pkn06002]

lol, now we have a conspiracy theory too..

 

Oh do I think you are possibly a troll, yeah.

 

You are saying too many of the correct things. Your story is just too clean and neat. I have never seen a WS get support from BS's like you are let alone so quickly at any site.

 

So call me skeptical.

[pkn06002]

its not bold, its actually sad, your right she dosent know me and if you read everything she writes she has clearly been so hurt in the past by a mm/wh and i think she tried ic and that didnt work, she is just mad and resentful and misguiding her anger...

 

Again with the deflection, very good.

[NOTSURE7]

Sorry NS - guess you can stand up for yourself. I just don't think it's fair that they aren't giving you the benefit of the doubt. That's all......

Good luck! I'm pullin' for ya!! Been there/Done dat! I know it can work!

 

thanks confused, i can handle myself pretty good but i am also not going to turn this into a session of defending myself to strangers who have been hurt and are mad and are taking it out on me...

 

now they have some conspiracy theory working that i am the spokesperson for ws everywhere..its ridiculous.

 

the benefit of the doubt would be nice.

[NOTSURE7]

Again with the deflection, very good.

 

not a deflection but fact....its clear in everything she writes.

[NOTSURE7]

Oh do I think you are possibly a troll, yeah.

 

You are saying too many of the correct things. Your story is just too clean and neat. I have never seen a WS get support from BS's like you are let alone so quickly at any site.

 

So call me skeptical.

 

a troll?..lol, thank you for actually bringing a bit of humor into my day...

 

im saying things i feel, maybe i am getting support because they want me to succeed and are actually trying to help me do that, ever think of that?

 

oh wait maybe its because there is another notsure on the grassy noll with oswald, or maybe elvis is actually writing these posts..lol

[pkn06002]

not a deflection but fact....its clear in everything she writes.

 

Oh sure it is a deflection, you say she is hurt etc... without posting any proof of that fact. By stating your opinion in the fashion you are about her you attempt to minimize her statements, thus deflecting her statements away from you.

 

Your good no doubt about that.

 

Tell you what, interested in a little experiment? Something that would get some skeptics off your back? Post your story over at marriage builders if those folks feel your legit and truly on the right path, no one will doubt your statements.

If you do the little experiment post the same way you did here. Start with your story then move to the present.

[pkn06002]

a troll?..lol, thank you for actually bringing a bit of humor into my day...

 

im saying things i feel, maybe i am getting support because they want me to succeed and are actually trying to help me do that, ever think of that?

 

oh wait maybe its because there is another notsure on the grassy noll with oswald, or maybe elvis is actually writing these posts..lol

 

No WS I have ever seen gets support like you are, NONE!!! You say too many of the right things for someone so early after D-day.

 

Matter of fact the BS's that normally would be all over a thread like this have stayed away from it. That says something right there.

 

Succeed sure I wish you all the luck, that is if what you are posting is true.

 

Oh nice attempt a deflection at the end of your post.