Hysterical Bonding- A Phase ?

[stuckinoz]

Tell you what, interested in a little experiment? Something that would get some skeptics off your back? Post your story over at marriage builders if those folks feel your legit and truly on the right path, no one will doubt your statements.

If you do the little experiment post the same way you did here. Start with your story then move to the present.

 

So is this what LS has come to.

In order to prove you are what you are & feel the way you feel......You MUST post on another site & see what they say.........SERIOUSLY!! Are ya kidding me...... & I thought this site was better than that. :rolleyes:

[pkn06002]

So is this what LS has come to.

In order to prove you are what you are & feel the way you feel......You MUST post on another site & see what they say.........SERIOUSLY!! Are ya kidding me...... & I thought this site was better than that. :rolleyes:

 

NS7's story is too clean and neat. The dramatic change is just too "perfect" in tone and message. The first posts were typical but this coming to Jesus? Is just too "perfect", it is interesting how many people are eating it up.

 

Something is not right. If anything the one thing Marriage Builders is good at is sniffing out a troll. Already stated I am a skeptic of this story. I know what marriage builders is like for a WS. If the BS's there found him legit I would have no reason to be a skeptic anymore.

 

I hope I'm wrong but I will remain skeptical until I am shown otherwise. I know if I had posted a dramatic turn around like he has when I first came here it would been questioned. I am curious why his is not.

[foreal]

Interesting reading everyone's take.....I am a BW.

 

NotSure, can i ask you something?

 

At what point did your fog/indifference toward the MOW lift? From what I gather from your posts, it seems almost instantaneous...would you say that is a correct assessment?

 

If so, it does seems hard to believe...

 

 

...perhaps it was not as fast as that?

 

Is it possible you INSTANTLY knew you did NOT want the MOW once the cat was out of the bag, however, perhaps you still had lingering feelings for the feelings she provided to you (stroked your ego, held you up as a great guy, admired you etc?) Is that possible?

 

I ask b/c once you confessed, I can't imagine it was a pretty picture....your BW must have flipped...and while flipping, especially in the first few days, did you ever 'go to a happy place' as in think about the MOW and more to the point, the FEELINGS you had when involved with her?

 

I am asking for this clarification for you- to think about it- b/c it would make sense that while in the thick of this trauma, it would not be out of the norm to go to that 'happy place'..and by 'happy' I mean fantasy/escape, b/c what you had with this MOW was all fantasy.

 

Can you think of one time the FEELINGS you had surrounding the MOW crept up on you?

 

My H admittted that in the first few days he thought of MOW, or rather the fantasy/feelings the A provided him b/c it was all so painful....it seems unreasonable to expect a human being to NOT try to escape, if only for a moment, the hurt and pain THEY themselves caused..I am not saying you were pining for the MOW or missing HER, i am just asking if there was ever a moment you wished for the free, fantasy feelings the A gave you?

 

Even just once? Maybe?

[Ariadne]

Wow!! Pretty bold coming from someone that doesn't even know this man, his wife or his family. Hmm:o

 

I say that, because he said that never, in the many years of marriage, he had been honest with the wife. That she was living a lie.

 

And because one day he said his OW was his soulmate, and the next he could give a damn.

 

It doesn't sound like someone that can have any intimacy in his relationships, which are based on deception and superficiality.

 

I think he was having too much fun with the OW, and she started to put a lot of pressure on him to divorce, so he cut her short. Just like that.

 

He told the truth about this affair to the wife to send the message to the OW, and because he knew the wife was going to fight to keep him since she is a SAHM with three kids, and didn't want to lose her life (and probably tangled in his words).

 

He likes things as they are and wants to keep it that way.

 

That also means keeping the wife at a distance and having his excitement outside. (Although he might convince himself that is over, till he soon gets bored).

 

(Btw, at first I thought he actually had feelings for the OW and was lying to himself, but now I know is even worse than that)

[foreal]

PK

 

What kind of troll do you think NotSure is??

[confusedinkansas]

That also means keeping the wife at a distance and having his excitement outside. (Although he might convince himself that is over, till he soon gets bored).

 

(Btw, at first I thought he actually had feelings for the OW and was lying to himself, but now I know is even worse than that)

 

So you're one of those skeptics that thinks that people can't change?

Interesting theory - but I disagree with you. I did! And, If I can...Anyone can!!!! Even NS - whom it seems everyone now thinks is a troll

[foreal]

can someone tell me what kind of troll? I thought trolls were BWs who pretend they are OW on sites for OW?? So is what troll accusers are saying is that NS is an OW pretending to be a WH??

 

that would be really weird!!

[pkn06002]

PK

 

What kind of troll do you think NotSure is??

 

A little green one that lives under a bridge and eats billy goats.

[pkn06002]

So you're one of those skeptics that thinks that people can't change?

Interesting theory - but I disagree with you. I did! And, If I can...Anyone can!!!! Even NS - whom it seems everyone now thinks is a troll

 

confused did you do a 180 in 2 weeks? If I remember right you separated for a year right.

 

Sure anyone can change but this like NS7 is stating doubtful.

 

If you believe NS7 then everyone does not feel he his a troll, I am just making the suggestion that might be. You folks need to learn the difference between conjecture and a statement.

[foreal]

A little green one that lives under a bridge and eats billy goats.

 

 

again, what kind of troll?..I get the billy goat gruff reference...but seriously, what kind of trolls lurk here? Help a sista out please!

[whichwayisup]

thanks confused, i can handle myself pretty good but i am also not going to turn this into a session of defending myself to strangers who have been hurt and are mad and are taking it out on me...

 

now they have some conspiracy theory working that i am the spokesperson for ws everywhere..its ridiculous.

 

What's ironic is, this is exactly what some of the OW get upset about the treatment they get from BS's, yet some OW are doing to you what they hate to be done to them. This is also why it's rare a MM posts because people jump on them, like he's their MM in their own situations.

 

Mostly though, your thread is filled with honest and respectful, helpful advice.. Even though you were a MM cheating on his wife.

[angie2443]

again, what kind of troll?..I get the billy goat gruff reference...but seriously, what kind of trolls lurk here? Help a sista out please!

 

A troll is a person who comes to message boards and writes fake stories just to stir things up. Usually you can spot one because there stories are off or just plain rediculous. This is the definition I know anyways.

[taylor]

Nothing against you taylor, but I think some people do project their own issues.. Just because afew people think that you need to take time to apologize to the exOW, doesn't mean you should. All that will do is open another can of worms and keep drama in your life, which you don't need!

 

So your IC and MC aren't the same person?

 

I don't think anyone is projecting any personal issue. I don't think anyone is looking at NS with a discerning eye or some skepticism just because they "got hurt" and are trying to take anything out on him.

 

What I think some posters, including myself, think is this:

 

We are skeptical as to whether he is really in touch with his true feelings. Why?

 

First of all he did a complete 180 in a matter of a few hours..from one end of the spectrum to another. How is that humanly possible? IMO, eithr he is burying feelings he is denying or he is only capable of very superficial feelings.

 

He came on this forum practically professing undying love to the OM and then within a matter of hours professes true love to his wife and complete resolve to fix his marriage even if it kills him.

 

It smacks of superficial, immature teenage feelings...like a teenager who's so in love with the girl that sits next to him in math class that he can't even breath...and then the next week those feelings just disappear and now he's madly in love with the girl that sits next to him in science class.

 

He's the one with the drama here.

 

It all just makes me question whether any of the relationships in his life are REAL...if any of the feelings are REAL. Is he CAPABLE of deep feelings for anyone?

 

No one has to have been hurt..no one has to have an agenda...to draw some of these conclusions.

 

And no one wants him pining for the OW. Who said that?

 

But it seems very ODD that a person can say the things he did in his first few posts and then POOF...all those feelings up in smoke in a matter of a few hours.

 

I have to admit I have never heard of ONE BS, WS, OW/OM who has been able to turn emotions around as fast as this poster.

 

With respect to an apology to an affair partner. I was speaking strictly in general terms...that to be civil, affair partners should apologize to each other IF they feel they hurt, wronged, or led that person on. That's just my opinion. It's just how I feel. I hate to hurt anyone and I accept responsibility if I wrong someone in any way.

 

I never said THIS poster should apologize to his OW. Maybe when she sent an e-mail telling him how hurt she was...he could have sent her one back saying, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I got hurt, too. But we both now it needed to end. I wish you well with your life."

 

But too much time has gone by..too much water under the bridge. Why bother now. The opportunity to be civil has passed.

 

What bothers me is this poster didn't even seem to care one bit that he pursued another woman, led her on, hurt her, and didn't care one bit that she got hurt by it. Just sounds cold-hearted to me.

 

I am not projecting my own issues. I hurt my OM. I'm the one who led him on. I'm the one who initiated the goodbye. I apologized for hurting him. I got no response back.

 

I think more or less, it wasn't an apology I wanted from him...as much as it was knowledge that he forgave me for leading him on.

 

So, you see, I am not some hurt OW angry at her MM.

 

Like some other poster mentioned, I think NS is deflecting comments and opinions...trying to minimize them by trying to make a case that some posters here have a hidden agenda.

 

I just see posters calling them like they see them..whether he likes what they see or not.

[NOTSURE7]

No WS I have ever seen gets support like you are, NONE!!! You say too many of the right things for someone so early after D-day.

 

Matter of fact the BS's that normally would be all over a thread like this have stayed away from it. That says something right there.

 

Succeed sure I wish you all the luck, that is if what you are posting is true.

 

Oh nice attempt a deflection at the end of your post.

 

ok this is not a "deflection" but i really have no clue what a troll is, so maybe you can enlighten me because you seem to have all the conspiracy theories.

[NOTSURE7]

So is this what LS has come to.

In order to prove you are what you are & feel the way you feel......You MUST post on another site & see what they say.........SERIOUSLY!! Are ya kidding me...... & I thought this site was better than that. :rolleyes:

 

i guess so, i started this thread to ask about hysterical bonding but it quickly turned into a bashing of me because i dont fit the exact mold that everyone wants.

[NOTSURE7]

Interesting reading everyone's take.....I am a BW.

 

NotSure, can i ask you something?

 

At what point did your fog/indifference toward the MOW lift? From what I gather from your posts, it seems almost instantaneous...would you say that is a correct assessment?

 

If so, it does seems hard to believe...

 

 

...perhaps it was not as fast as that?

 

Is it possible you INSTANTLY knew you did NOT want the MOW once the cat was out of the bag, however, perhaps you still had lingering feelings for the feelings she provided to you (stroked your ego, held you up as a great guy, admired you etc?) Is that possible?

 

I ask b/c once you confessed, I can't imagine it was a pretty picture....your BW must have flipped...and while flipping, especially in the first few days, did you ever 'go to a happy place' as in think about the MOW and more to the point, the FEELINGS you had when involved with her?

 

I am asking for this clarification for you- to think about it- b/c it would make sense that while in the thick of this trauma, it would not be out of the norm to go to that 'happy place'..and by 'happy' I mean fantasy/escape, b/c what you had with this MOW was all fantasy.

 

Can you think of one time the FEELINGS you had surrounding the MOW crept up on you?

 

My H admittted that in the first few days he thought of MOW, or rather the fantasy/feelings the A provided him b/c it was all so painful....it seems unreasonable to expect a human being to NOT try to escape, if only for a moment, the hurt and pain THEY themselves caused..I am not saying you were pining for the MOW or missing HER, i am just asking if there was ever a moment you wished for the free, fantasy feelings the A gave you?

 

Even just once? Maybe?

 

yes you can aske me any questions, as far as the fog it lifted pretty quickly,this happened because i had built up so much in my head and was literally thinking about my guilt almost 24/7, you can read it in my earlier posts and on my other thread, you can see i was being eaten alive by my thoughts,so then i confessed and after i did that my w was devastated but at that point i felt that i now had a chance to be real and honest and show my w who i really am, for the first time my head was truly clear of lies and deception and i was no longer living this lie.

 

of course the feeling provided by the A didnt just simply dissapear,i have admitted my faults and nowhere did i say poof i am a changed man, that would be ridiculous to beleive or say,but what i did do is realuize that i have a huge task ahead of me and that i need to focus on that and not pine over the A or the Ow,so i cut it all off and now that the fog has lifted each day things are getting better.

 

and yes thoughts of being free or the fantasy life that i lived in the A have crept into my mind but i quickly think about them and i tell myself that this is no longer how i want to live and then i go back to the place that i want to be, which is working on myself and my m.

 

i dont know where some people got that i think i am this changed man,yes i have made some changes and i am commited to working on myself and my m but i know that will take time and alot of commitment and will not just happen easily.

[NOTSURE7]

So you're one of those skeptics that thinks that people can't change?

Interesting theory - but I disagree with you. I did! And, If I can...Anyone can!!!! Even NS - whom it seems everyone now thinks is a troll

 

i dont know why people cant at least open there mind to the fact that people can change, they want so badly to set me up for failure.

 

i have never stated i am this changed man, but i am making changes and will continue to do so everyday,this is a hard time for me,i am very sad and depressed,guilt ridden and feeling every emotion possible but i am commited to change within myself and i am commited to happiness within my m, these are my plans and this is what i am trying to achieve.

[NOTSURE7]

can someone tell me what kind of troll? I thought trolls were BWs who pretend they are OW on sites for OW?? So is what troll accusers are saying is that NS is an OW pretending to be a WH??

 

that would be really weird!!

 

there is only 1 poster who thinks i am a troll, which i dont even know what that means, so dont waste your time beleiveing that..

 

they think i am pretending i guess because i dont agree with everything they want me to be, if i am not fitting the exact mold of a wh or mm they seem to start to doubt me.

 

i came here looking for good honest support and advice from posters who have been there, i have found many to be extremely helpful and i will venture to say that when i decided to confess to my w that it was a result of the many good people on ls opening my eyes to what kind of life i was really living and how it wasnt fair to my w and kids.

[NOTSURE7]

What's ironic is, this is exactly what some of the OW get upset about the treatment they get from BS's, yet some OW are doing to you what they hate to be done to them. This is also why it's rare a MM posts because people jump on them, like he's their MM in their own situations.

 

Mostly though, your thread is filled with honest and respectful, helpful advice.. Even though you were a MM cheating on his wife.

 

you know i have always been honest on here from day 1 and i will continue to post and say what i am feeling, i am not trying to win anyones support, i am myself and individual with a story to tell and a life i am trying to live, i will continue to look for good honest advice and support as i am going to need it throughout this long journey, i will not be detered or scared off by people who have been hurt or feel resentment in their own lives which seems to cloud there judgements and dosent allow them to actually open their minds and try to help me.

[NOTSURE7]

I don't think anyone is projecting any personal issue. I don't think anyone is looking at NS with a discerning eye or some skepticism just because they "got hurt" and are trying to take anything out on him.

 

What I think some posters, including myself, think is this:

 

We are skeptical as to whether he is really in touch with his true feelings. Why?

 

First of all he did a complete 180 in a matter of a few hours..from one end of the spectrum to another. How is that humanly possible? IMO, eithr he is burying feelings he is denying or he is only capable of very superficial feelings.

 

He came on this forum practically professing undying love to the OM and then within a matter of hours professes true love to his wife and complete resolve to fix his marriage even if it kills him.

 

It smacks of superficial, immature teenage feelings...like a teenager who's so in love with the girl that sits next to him in math class that he can't even breath...and then the next week those feelings just disappear and now he's madly in love with the girl that sits next to him in science class.

 

He's the one with the drama here.

 

It all just makes me question whether any of the relationships in his life are REAL...if any of the feelings are REAL. Is he CAPABLE of deep feelings for anyone?

 

No one has to have been hurt..no one has to have an agenda...to draw some of these conclusions.

 

And no one wants him pining for the OW. Who said that?

 

But it seems very ODD that a person can say the things he did in his first few posts and then POOF...all those feelings up in smoke in a matter of a few hours.

 

I have to admit I have never heard of ONE BS, WS, OW/OM who has been able to turn emotions around as fast as this poster.

 

With respect to an apology to an affair partner. I was speaking strictly in general terms...that to be civil, affair partners should apologize to each other IF they feel they hurt, wronged, or led that person on. That's just my opinion. It's just how I feel. I hate to hurt anyone and I accept responsibility if I wrong someone in any way.

 

I never said THIS poster should apologize to his OW. Maybe when she sent an e-mail telling him how hurt she was...he could have sent her one back saying, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I got hurt, too. But we both now it needed to end. I wish you well with your life."

 

But too much time has gone by..too much water under the bridge. Why bother now. The opportunity to be civil has passed.

 

What bothers me is this poster didn't even seem to care one bit that he pursued another woman, led her on, hurt her, and didn't care one bit that she got hurt by it. Just sounds cold-hearted to me.

 

I am not projecting my own issues. I hurt my OM. I'm the one who led him on. I'm the one who initiated the goodbye. I apologized for hurting him. I got no response back.

 

I think more or less, it wasn't an apology I wanted from him...as much as it was knowledge that he forgave me for leading him on.

 

So, you see, I am not some hurt OW angry at her MM.

 

Like some other poster mentioned, I think NS is deflecting comments and opinions...trying to minimize them by trying to make a case that some posters here have a hidden agenda.

 

I just see posters calling them like they see them..whether he likes what they see or not.

 

i have and will continue to appreciate everyones opinions,i again have no idea where everyone decided i was devoid of feelings, i am absolutely running the full gauntlet of emotions, i am wracked by guilt,i have fear,i feel sad,i have a pit in my stomach etc etc..

 

but i have to channel these emotions in the right direction or else i am doomed to fail again,so i solder on and i am taking it day by day, beleive me its day by day for me right now.

 

as far as the A and the ow,do i still think about it ,yes of course but it is not something i feel will impeded me from making progress and my goals are to try and work on myself to be happy and live a healthy ,honest life which in turn will make my M and my relationship wth my w stronger.so to spend my time thinking back or wondering what my ow is up too or w has absolutely no benefit to me and thats all i am saying. i went full nc and i intend to keep it.

 

i will also say that once i removed myself from the A and the fog lifted and i was consumed with the A and the fantasy land excitement the ow proivided me and i came back down to earth things became clearer and i set my goals and i truly want to be honest and live a clean life going forward.

 

i am not by any means saying this will be easy and i know it will take commitment and hard work for the rest of my life but right now this is what i want and what i am hoping to achive in my life going forward.

[PhoenixRise]

i have and will continue to appreciate everyones opinions,i again have no idea where everyone decided i was devoid of feelings, i am absolutely running the full gauntlet of emotions, i am wracked by guilt,i have fear,i feel sad,i have a pit in my stomach etc etc..

 

but i have to channel these emotions in the right direction or else i am doomed to fail again,so i solder on and i am taking it day by day, beleive me its day by day for me right now.

 

as far as the A and the ow,do i still think about it ,yes of course but it is not something i feel will impeded me from making progress and my goals are to try and work on myself to be happy and live a healthy ,honest life which in turn will make my M and my relationship wth my w stronger.so to spend my time thinking back or wondering what my ow is up too or w has absolutely no benefit to me and thats all i am saying. i went full nc and i intend to keep it.

 

i will also say that once i removed myself from the A and the fog lifted and i was consumed with the A and the fantasy land excitement the ow proivided me and i came back down to earth things became clearer and i set my goals and i truly want to be honest and live a clean life going forward.

 

i am not by any means saying this will be easy and i know it will take commitment and hard work for the rest of my life but right now this is what i want and what i am hoping to achive in my life going forward.

 

 

I think some posters are questioning your feelings because you are not POSTING about your lingering feelings about the OW, whether it is just fondness or nostalgia, or missing how she made you feel or whatever.

 

Truthfully though, I think if your WERE posting about these things, you would have other posters here telling you that you should be focusing on your wife and your marriage and fixing yourself so that you can be an honest man.

 

I say just be honest with yourself and be honest with your wife Notsure. I see that you are expressing how you feel today, if during the course of MC or IC your feelings change be honest about that. I have always said your wife deserves the truth even if that ment your were leaving the marriage, I stand by that.

[foreal]

I think some posters are questioning your feelings because you are not POSTING about your lingering feelings about the OW, whether it is just fondness or nostalgia, or missing how she made you feel or whatever.

 

Truthfully though, I think if your WERE posting about these things, you would have other posters here telling you that you should be focusing on your wife and your marriage and fixing yourself so that you can be an honest man.

 

I say just be honest with yourself and be honest with your wife Notsure. I see that you are expressing how you feel today, if during the course of MC or IC your feelings change be honest about that. I have always said your wife deserves the truth even if that ment your were leaving the marriage, I stand by that.

 

YES! too true..NS you are in a difficult spot..I believe you that you are doing your best- keep going....

[whichwayisup]

I think some posters are questioning your feelings because you are not POSTING about your lingering feelings about the OW, whether it is just fondness or nostalgia, or missing how she made you feel or whatever.

 

But right now he ISN'T feeling 'it' for his exOW. Why should anyone force him to dig down deep and pour his heart out for her? Again, atleast for now, he isn't feeling anything for her. Seems for now he's focussing on himself and getting through the recent D-Day after his confession. He SHOULD be more concerned about his wife than what he feels/felt for the exOW.

 

If he feels something for her, or feels like breaking NC, I'm betting he'll post about it first so everyone can help guide him away from that idea.

[PhoenixRise]

But right now he ISN'T feeling 'it' for his exOW. Why should anyone force him to dig down deep and pour his heart out for her? Again, atleast for now, he isn't feeling anything for her. Seems for now he's focussing on himself and getting through the recent D-Day after his confession. He SHOULD be more concerned about his wife than what he feels/felt for the exOW.

 

If he feels something for her, or feels like breaking NC, I'm betting he'll post about it first so everyone can help guide him away from that idea.

 

 

I agree with you. From what he IS posting, it seems to me that for Notsure it is not just about saving his marriage, it is also about becoming a different kind of man for himself. Changing a lifelong pattern is not an easy thing, but it can be done.

 

He is posting about how he feels NOW. Right now he is not feeling it for the OW, and he doesn't think this will change. Who knows? Maybe he is completely done or perhaps some lingering feelings will kick him in the stomach later. Whatever happens, Notsure should just be honest with himself about it.

[Spark1111]

NSure, I have been posting on and off here for the past year or so, and was an avid reader shortly after DDAY.

 

It is normal for everyone to post from their personal perspective and point of view depending on where they are in their relationship, whether married, reconciling or having an affair.

 

Like they say in all 12-step programs, take what you NEED and leave the rest!

 

How you feel, may not be how they feel, so a variety of opinions and advice will be expressed.

 

Good luck to you.