chester Posted May 25, 2000 Share Posted May 25, 2000 I have a girlfriend of 6 months, and she means more to me than anyone I have ever met. She is sensitive, caring, beautiful, smart, charismatic, she is everything to me. She is also really shy in the opening up department. I try to call her every night, I email everyday, I talk to her whenever I see her. I sometimes feel like, Im the only one in the relationship. I email 10 times before I get a response. She misses little anneversaries that I cherish so deeply. She sometimes seems so distant, like something is bothering her so much, she cant tell anyone. She told me, that she thought we were different, I didnt know what to make of it. Then the next day, she acted as if nothing was said. Im not sure what to do, mayeb Im just being paranoid, maybe its nothing, maybe it is...thats what Id liek to know. When we are together, we are so perfect, life stands still. She is my best friend, and I want to know if there is anything I can do to maybe prevent something from happening. Thank you for your help... -chester Link to post Share on other sites
U NO WHU Posted May 25, 2000 Share Posted May 25, 2000 Stop Emailing her. Start calling her every third night. Play her game. If she's everything you say she is and thinks the same of you, that'll get her off her tush real fast. You are simply too nice and too predictable. That really doesn't do a lot for a young lady. Like she is driving you wild with her seemingly cool behavior, you can drive her wild be giving it right back to her...but be sure to make it look genuine. If the relationship is gettting stale to her, nothing will change the way she is and you'll just have to move on. And believe me, if you call her every night without fail and become sickeningly and boringly predictable, you will make this girl barf!!! No matter how much she means to you and how wonderful she is, if she doesn't make you feel special to her and wanted, what is the purpose of being in her life??? Link to post Share on other sites
chester Posted May 25, 2000 Share Posted May 25, 2000 You have a great point...but if I stop now, after 6 months of being the "predictable" guy I am..wont she know something is wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 25, 2000 Share Posted May 25, 2000 That's the point. Do I have to hit you up side of the head. She will wonder what the hell is wrong and respond in a more animated way. You have also made my point more strongly. By doing something so predictably for so long, you have probably sickened her to the point they may be ready to cancel her health insurance. She is just so used to what you do, she takes everything for granted. If you don't listen to what I say now, you may be condemned to losing at love FOREVER. Don't you EVER, EVER let anyone take you for granted. By being so predictable, you;ve gone and done that. You are truly a lovesick pup. I feel so sorry for you. Why not decide right now TO BE A MAN. Give this girl a run for her money...and if by some chance she gives you the boot, what have you lost? A girl that doesn't put nearly the energy in the relationship that you do. This relationship is draining you severely and you don't even realize it. She has the psychology of love down to an absolute science. She is a MASTER and YOU ARE NOT. Intermittened reinforcement is one of the most efficient strategies in human behavior. She answers one of your Emails to your TEN. She does just enough to keep your interest burning. But this is really not what you want. Turn all of this around today. Again, you have nothing to lose except a lady who does not give back nearly as much as she gets in this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Marie Posted May 25, 2000 Share Posted May 25, 2000 do you know what the #1 problem in relationships is, across cultures, across continents, in different parts of the world? Lack of communication. OK. So let's define communication. Communication is not just talking to your partner. It's talking about your relationship, the status of it, how you feel, how you perceive the other person is feeling. Sometimes we don't realize that the way we're acting is hurting the other person and we need someone to tell us. As far as I can see from your description, her perception of the nature of the relationship is completely different from your perception. The solution is to sit down, face to face, and talk to her about what you're feeling. But I realize that about 80% of couples do not and never will do this. It's so frustrating. I preach this over and over again. Other psychologists have written books. I have a very close, committed and healthy relaitonship with my husband. Why? We talk. Granted, many days are taken up with mundane tasks and we just don't find the time, but at least once a week we sit down and tlak about what we want and where we are and how toget to where we want to be, emotionally, physically, everything. Talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Annoyed Posted May 25, 2000 Share Posted May 25, 2000 Does the term "Stalker" mean anything to you? Has anyone ever referred to you as such? Emailing and calling someone 10X a day is a major turn-off. You have made your feelings well known to her, if she is interested, trust me, she will let you know. Collect the little dignity you have left and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ajay Posted May 25, 2000 Share Posted May 25, 2000 Chester, please... I reviewed all the responses. Tony's got the right idea, and I believe following his suggestions may be the only way to salvage whatever is left of this seemingly one-sided relationship. She is probably feeling overwhelmed by you, and I don't mean that in a good way, because I also agree with Annoyed; I've been there. There is such a thing as "too much of a good thing". Pursuing her so relentlessly isn't working, so change your tactics. You do, however, sound obsessed. I strongly recommend you back off and let her breathe... I have a girlfriend of 6 months, and she means more to me than anyone I have ever met. She is sensitive, caring, beautiful, smart, charismatic, she is everything to me. She is also really shy in the opening up department. I try to call her every night, I email everyday, I talk to her whenever I see her. I sometimes feel like, Im the only one in the relationship. I email 10 times before I get a response. She misses little anneversaries that I cherish so deeply. She sometimes seems so distant, like something is bothering her so much, she cant tell anyone. She told me, that she thought we were different, I didnt know what to make of it. Then the next day, she acted as if nothing was said. Im not sure what to do, mayeb Im just being paranoid, maybe its nothing, maybe it is...thats what Id liek to know. When we are together, we are so perfect, life stands still. She is my best friend, and I want to know if there is anything I can do to maybe prevent something from happening. Thank you for your help... -chester Link to post Share on other sites
chester Posted May 26, 2000 Share Posted May 26, 2000 Well, thats what I actually have been trying, thank you for all your help, Im gonna do somehting about it...maybe I am a psycho...well, whatever I can do to fix it, and fix myself, I will do... Thanks again.. -chester Link to post Share on other sites
chester Posted May 26, 2000 Share Posted May 26, 2000 I call everyday, cause sometimes I dont see her, I call to find out how her day goes, and I dont email 10 times a day, that was an exaggeration by me, it just takes a while for a response is all. -chester Link to post Share on other sites
Ajay Posted May 26, 2000 Share Posted May 26, 2000 Come on Chester: About that "psycho" comment... I hope you're just kidding, and I don't want you to tear yourself down just because a bunch of computer-forum know it alls rag on you. Tony's comments were great (he always gets me to see things from a different point of view -- that's the whole point of these postings). I don't think you're a stalker or anything, and I can tell you're just "crazy" about this girl OK? (I have had a personal experience with an obsessed stalker, that's why I went there in my last response). I think it's great you were able to look at the situation and yourself and acknowledge you needed help. Afterall, that's why you posted on this forum in the first place right? Realizing there's a problem and asking for help shows you're on the right track. Hang in there and keep us posted OK? Well, thats what I actually have been trying, thank you for all your help, Im gonna do somehting about it...maybe I am a psycho...well, whatever I can do to fix it, and fix myself, I will do... Thanks again.. -chester Link to post Share on other sites
chester Posted May 26, 2000 Share Posted May 26, 2000 I dont think im a stalker, or obsessed, you are right, im crazy about this girl. Im gonna talk to her tomorrow, face to face, as it is too late now. Im just gonna let her know how I feel, and ask her what she thinks, cause she hasnt told me anything was wrong with the way Ive been. I just am the hopeless romantic, I like to surprise her with little things here and there. The whole reason I posted in this forum for help, was because I was a little down on a comment one of her friends had made to me, about me not being a challenge anymore. Im still not too clear on what she meant by that...maybe you do..? Anyways, Im gonna talk to her, see what happens, and you all were right, if it doesnt turn out righ tin the end, then maybe it wasnt meant to be...anyways thanks again, and I will for sure keep you posted. -chester Link to post Share on other sites
Ajay Posted May 26, 2000 Share Posted May 26, 2000 Chester: Good for you... Find out where she stands, talk to her, be direct. As far as someone else's comment (you're no longer a challenge), that could very well be the case. Some people move on once they become the pursued not the pursuer. Just know there are lots of ladies out there that would love the attention. Maybe just not too much all the time. Pace yourself. Respond back to Tony; he's got good things to share. Most of all, I like that you realize it may not work out; if it doesn't, give your heart a little time ('cuz it's gonna hurt) and move on. It doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be, it just means it didn't happen the way you wanted it to (this time). Let me know how your talk goes...A.J. I dont think im a stalker, or obsessed, you are right, im crazy about this girl. Im gonna talk to her tomorrow, face to face, as it is too late now. Im just gonna let her know how I feel, and ask her what she thinks, cause she hasnt told me anything was wrong with the way Ive been. I just am the hopeless romantic, I like to surprise her with little things here and there. The whole reason I posted in this forum for help, was because I was a little down on a comment one of her friends had made to me, about me not being a challenge anymore. Im still not too clear on what she meant by that...maybe you do..? Anyways, Im gonna talk to her, see what happens, and you all were right, if it doesnt turn out righ tin the end, then maybe it wasnt meant to be...anyways thanks again, and I will for sure keep you posted. -chester Link to post Share on other sites
chester Posted May 26, 2000 Share Posted May 26, 2000 You really have good points. I never thought of it that way, it seems as if I am the (for lack of a better phrase) whipped little boy. It shouldnt be me thats whipped, it shouldnt be either of us. Like I have been saying to Ajay, Im gonna be talking to her today, and I would like to thank all of you for your advice, it will probably help our relationship to be much stronger, if not point us out to realizing it wasnt gonna work. Thanks again! -chester Link to post Share on other sites
Jo Posted June 1, 2000 Share Posted June 1, 2000 This response will probably be a total waste as I don't even know if you look at this forum anymore, but I read your message and all the related responses. I think you sound really sweet and doubt that you are a psycho or anything like that. However I may be able to offer some advice (probably too little, too late, but I'll say my piece anyway). I think I am perhaps a little like your girlfriend. I am fairly distant and not huge into expressing or even showing my feelings that much (although I am getting better and if I feel safe enough with people I can then share). I don't do it to hurt people, actually I don't even know that I am most of the time. About the 'we're different' thing. I think that's fair enough, you know she could have just been trying to explain her aloofness, maybe!?! I think you just ought to give her a bit of space. Let her know that you care but also that you care enough to let her breathe. Some girls are intimidated by too much attention and look at it more as if you don't trust them and are checking up on them or something like that. Then again I can't be assured that this is what your girlfriend is like and therefore I would also tell you to be a little cautious. I mean you don't want to be someone's doormat or with someone who doesn't want to be with you (I'm not saying your girlfriend doesn't want to be with you). I guess you've just got to go with your heart (and maybe a little of your mind) and take the chance that you're going to get hurt. I always think of a quote 'You've got to dance like nobodys watching and love like you've never been hurt' I guess it's just a chance we all have to take. Well good luck Chester. I hope everything will (or has) work(ed) out for you. Don't despair though if things don't work out. There is also another quote 'If you truly love something or someone, let it go, if it comes back to you, it's yours, it if doesn't, it never was' And if she doesn't appreciate you, trust me, someone else will! Link to post Share on other sites
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