I'm learning from the posts below - thank you so much

[Lanapalace]

I am so glad I found this site. I am in a situation sort of like the person below and "Befuddled" you helped more than one person with your post - I was thinking of staying with my husband and maybe having some sort of "affair" to get me through having to stay with this man, but instead I am realizing that emotional abuse is probably what is making me feel the way I do and instead of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, I need to figure out how to solve the problem I am in. I am going to look for the book you recommended. I have to quit thinking I can "fix" my husband's behavior and see if I need to get out and how.

 

I posted on another page that I don't want to leave because in my children's eyes, my husband is "wonderful". I thought it would be better for them if I stayed. But then I read the post of the young lady asking "should I ever get married" and how her parents fought, and how her dad has been "abusive on 4 accounts". See my husband has been physically abusive to me randomly throughout our marriage, sometimes with 2 or 3 years in between his episodes. So I did not think that would have such a big impact on my children. They did not see it happen. But they certainly were there in the aftermath when I left for a week and they knew that my husband and I were having problems.

 

I'm not sure where my brain has been. I don't need to look for an affair so I can stay with this man. I need to get my mind back and I am going to do 2 things: 1) Read the book (I wrote down the title and author) and 2) Go to a domestic abuse counsellor and see what they think.

 

It is so hard for me not to somehow think this is my fault. That I have taken a perfectly nice person and driven him to be so disgusted and angry with me that he behaves this way. I know logically that it is not my fault, but why do I still feel guilty.

 

Oh well, again, thanks everyone for sharing your situations and advice.

[moimeme]

It is so hard for me not to somehow think this is my fault. That I have taken a perfectly nice person and driven him to be so disgusted and angry with me that he behaves this way. I know logically that it is not my fault, but why do I still feel guilty.

 

They blame you, you feel guilty. We humans tend to look for reasons. He may well just be awash in the neurotransmitters that trigger anger. He looks for a 'cause' and blames you. You also look for a 'cause' and blame yourself. The real truth is that the anger exists and seeks an outlet or 'cause', even though none likely exists.

 

It is SO common for the abused person to feel she has brought it on herself! You will learn much about this when you speak to people at a domestic abuse centre.