At the end?

[Ilovehimbut]

I am new to this forum, but I really need advise so please bear with me if this gets a little long.

 

Let me start out by saying that basically my husband is a good man. He doesn't drink or do drugs (2 things that based on my childhood are VERY important to me), he would never cheat on me, doesn't fight with me, and I know he loves me. I think most people on the outside would think/say that we have a great relationship, and I used to think so to. However, we have basically been having the same argument, about the same 2 issues for the past 15 years. Here are the issues.

 

1. He doesn't want to go out ANYWHERE with me. We have gone out alone 3 times in the past 18 months and the only reasons we went out then were our anniversary, and then a "pity" date because he didn't want to take me where I REALLY wanted to go (to a friends wedding - which would have been an overnight occasion, but TONS of fun). I have tried everything to get him to go out and HAVE FUN, but it's like he just wants to stay home and do nothing. Part of the issue is that he is a VERY paranoid person so he doesn't want to leave our kids with sitters (even though they are 8 & 12 and the "sitters" are our parents and VERY trustworthy and the kids love going over there). The other reason is that he has very low self-esteem and he isn't comfortable in "social" situations, even though when we're out I try everything to try and make him comfortable, and always tell him he looks nice etc (which I might add he never does for me). I am home with the kids all day (& night), and most weekends by myself, and I really NEED to get out every once in awhile. I know that I could go out with friends (although I don't have many left because he is so anti-social), but I really want to go out with my HUSBAND!

 

The second issue is that he would rather spend every waking moment playing guitar. My H wakes up in the morning and plays guitar, he teaches guitar for a living so he does that 6-8 hours a day, and then he plays in a band on the weekends, so he plays all weekend too. He says that the reason he practices so much is because he feels like that is the only thing he's ever been good at (even though I try to tell him different), so that's why he practices all the time. Most nights we put the kids to bed and he sits on the couch and practices guitar until he falls asleep and then he wakes up and starts all over again. He doesn't talk to while he is practicing, just sits there watching TV with the guitar in his hands and plays. It is very lonely to sit in the same room with your H night after night and be ignored, and he has done this for 15 years. Don't get me wrong, I support his playing 100%, I have NEVER in 15 years asked him to take a weekend off from shows (not anniversarys, birthdays etc). I go sit in the smokey bars with the drunks and get hit on all night long, so that I can support what he does. I have always told him how proud I am of him and what he is able to do, but now I feel like I am losing myself. I have told him over and over again how alone I am, and how I feel like I am killing myself to save him (from his low self-esteem), but I am 37 now and I really feel like if I don't get out of this loveless marriage now I never will. I know that my H loves me, but he is totally incapable of showing it. On the rare occasion (every 6 months or so) that he does put the guitar down and sit with me on the couch, I just feel like he's doing it so I won't be upset, but what he really WANTS to be doing is playing guitar.

 

He also doesn't like to do anything I like. I love to camp, he won't go. I love to fish, he won't go. I want to go out on the boat - he won't go on the water. I want to have FUN and it's like the only thing that he enjoys is playing guitar. I am so sad and lonely after all these years and it's really starting to affect me. I am sad to say that I have even begun to take it out on our kids (not badly, but they sense my unhappiness). Like I said I know that he loves me and when I have mentioned how unhappy I am and that I am ready to leave, he cries and says things will be different but they never are. I am so lost right now because honestly I love him, but I can't live like this anymore, I feel like he's having an affair, but the other woman has 6 strings:)

 

Counseling is not an option because I think he feels like the couselor would tell him that he has to sacrifce some of his guitar time, so he won't go. I have talked about this with him so many times in the past 15 years and now I feel like even if things did change that I have nothing left to give to him - does that make sense? I often wonder if I just went and filed divorce papers if that would make him realise how bad it is, but then again I don't know if I want to continue this "charade" of a marriage. I have never had an affair or even come close, but I am so desparate for affection that I often wonder what I would do if the situation arouse, and I do NOT want something like that to happen - EVER. Does anyone have any advise of what I can do? I am really at the end of my rope and I feel like I am one night away from a nervous breakdown. Any advise would be appreciated, and I apologize for making this so long. I hope you all understand what I am trying to say. Thank you.

[Gunny376]

I'm not a professional? But what struck me about your post? Was that he was OBCD (Obsessive-Compulsive) depressed and suffering from anxiety, (about social situations)

 

He's losing himself (and you) in his obsession with playing the guitar. Its doesn't have to be a guitar, literally millions of marriages each day are going up in smoke over of all things? Video games! Drugs! Alcohol, Porn! Work! (The last one I have problems with? One's got to do what one has to do to pay the bills ~ but there's a point to where one needs to work to live and not live to work!)

[mark982]

while in general i do agree w/ gunny,but i rule out the social anxiety,he's quite able to hit the bars and play in his band. si i'm to understand that he does his thing w/ the band while you sit at home?

[LisaUk]

I agree with Gunny, it does sound like social phobia (even though he plays in a band, that's a different kind of experience to being in a social group).

 

I think you have to make it clear to your H exactly how you are feeling and that the only option is MC. As well as doing this I think you need to start living your life and enjoying the things you want to do. Once he see you getting out, doing things without him, it might make him realise what he is missing.

 

It sounds to me that you still love your H and don't want to break apart your family with a divorce. You need to be able to say you gave your H every opportunity and you did everything you could to save your marriage.

 

Not everyone enjoys the same things in life, this doesn't have to be a problem provided the two of you can reach a compromise. Clearly, what you want from your H is quality time with him. Does it really matter to you where, when or how that qualitity time is spent? Perhaps talk to him about what he might enjoy doing with you and find a way that you can both be happy doing something together, even if that's staying in with a dvd and picnic on the carpet!

[lkjh]

I really think he needs to see action from you. Its ok if you ask him to sacrifice a little guitar time to do fun things. Heck tell him he can bring his guitar camping. He needs to see that you are serious this time. Require MC if he wants to stay married.

[delajoonal]

ilovehimbut...

 

GET COUNSELING NOW! my H started getting addicted to his computer 8 years ago...and our social life suffered hugely as well..the last time we went to a movie was in 2005..no kidding...the last 5 years only got worse and worse....in the beginning i would cry, scream, throw stuff at the back of his head to get his attention, i did crazy things...then i just stopped...it was like banging my head against that proverbial brick wall daily, and i was exhausted...it affected our sex life, we fought more about other stuff...pretty soon, he came home after work, and went straight to his computer...and i am NOT kidding when i say, he would walk rgiht by me and not even say HELLO,kiss my butt..NOTHING!

 

well, here i am alone..we have separataed now...his idea...

 

i am just saying sit him down, tell him how you feel, NO screaming, etc...

NO kids around, maybe even NOT in your home, so he can't get up and wander to another room...i found speaking to my H about these types of things was easier outside of our home, NO yelling can occur:)

 

also, you might have to just start entertaining yourself...if you are happy with the fact your H does not abuse you, no drugs etc...which is a good thing, then you might have to accomadate your wants on your own, and just accept H as he is.....

 

it is a difficult situation and i am NO expert...just trying to give some ideas as from someone who has been married to an addictive personality....

sometimes the addiction to computer or guitar, is really NO different than to drugs, so i was told by my doc...because these addictions still take away from THE family.

good luck and take care...please keep posting.

[LakesideDream]

There are also ebbs and flows. I earned my living as a musician for a few years with no real talent. I also had no burning desire to become better at my craft. I literally envied those who practiced, practiced became more accomplished and successful. I got by on technique, and gawd given vocal skill. I was just "good enough" to get by.

 

Fast forward 25 years. My son IS a talented musician. He went through something very similar to what you are describing. Incesssant, 10 hours a day practice. For sixteen months I watched, saw (and heard) a remarkable positive progression in his skill. Eventually he became good enough to get employment playing, and is still making a living (however shakey) doing so at age 29.

 

At some point in nearly every musicians life a light bulb goes on, and skill begins flowing. Practice is the one and only key to being a great player.

 

Not saying this is what is happening in your case, it is a possibility however. Music, particularly guitar is a consuming profession. There is a limited window of oppertunity in the profession. Make sure your SO isn't in one of those periods.

[whichwayisup]

So, he doesn't go out and take the kids anywhere? Not the park, to the store to get candy, not to a movie? He can't do family outings or is this just going out with you?

 

Your H could be suffering from depression, agrophobia or something else..

 

Maybe he needs to understand how serious this is, and how it's affecting you, the marriage and your dynamic together as a couple. He certainly isn't making time for you, that's for sure..

[Ilovehimbut]

Thanks so much for all of your responses. I will try to clear up a few things quickly. First of all, my husband is a VERY talented musician (he should be) and has been playing for 30 years. I'm quite certain his need to practice isn't so much a desire to be better (although I know he does enjoy learning new skills), but it is more of a "this is what I enjoy so this is what I am going to do" type of thing. I don't believe that he has any type of social disorder either because if HE wants to go somewhere or do something (go check out a band or a go to a music store etc) than we will go out. I understand that he doesn't enjoy doing the same things I enjoy doing, but I feel like we have been married for 14 years and he could at least make an effort to do someting I enjoy doing once a year since I always go with him if it's something he wants to do (I don't want to say no even though I may not want ot go because I feel like I have so few opportunities to "hang out" with him). We have gone on a few weekend mini-vacations with the kids, but even then the guitar comes with us and as soon as the kids go to sleep there he is on the bed practicing guitar. I swear the only time he puts it down is when HE wants to have sex (and then he usually picks it right back up when we're finished). We never "fight" about how much he practices because I really do support him and his music (I am the one who told him to quit his crappy factory job and try to teach guitar for a living), but I try to tell him how I feel when I am inthe same room with him night after night and it's like I'm not even there. He says he understands and he might sit with me for a few nights, but then it's right back to the way it's been for 14 years. I have tried to explain to him that just like he needs to practice guitar to be good at it, he needs to "practice" this marriage so that it can be good also. I have told him many times that maybe this life is "good enough" for him, and that's okay, but it's not good enough for me - do you guys understand? After doing this for 14 years I really just feel like I have nothing left to give to him. I have done everything I can to support him over these years (gone to his shows, let him practice whenever he wants, taken care of the kids so he can do his thing, gone into debt so that he can have the very best equipment etc), and I really feel like I have gotten nothing in return. I'm just really alone right now, because I do love him so much, and I know he loves me, but I really feel like we will never be able to make this marriage work because if I get even 1/2 of what I want then he won't be happy, and I am not happy right now. I don't know what to do anymore. Any other suggestions? I know he won't go to MC, and quite frankly I'm not sure a counselor is going to tell us anything that I/we don't already know. I know that if I go file for separation he will be heartbroken (and so will I), but I don't want him to change because I "made" him - I want him to WANT to spend time with me and I feel like if that is what he really wanted he would have done that sometime in the past 14 years.

[Gunny376]

I would suggest you sit him down and just spell it out to him like he was a four year old.

 

Women tend to use in-direct communication while most men understand direct communication.

 

You get it!

 

He doesn't it!

 

Its almost as if he's having an affair with his guitar. (The Beatles song comes to mind)

 

And its not just music and guitar, and I appreciate Lakeside's post about the need to practice, (as well as yours about his needing to practice on your marriage)

 

The big one for younger generations? 'Gaming' or video-gaming.

 

For the older generation? Work! (That's the one that got me!)

 

What we're talking about here?

 

And over-obsession with one particular part of your life to the serious determent of another.

 

In short? A loss of balance.

 

Certainly, his profession as a career musician is important? But aren't you? Isn't your marriage.

 

A being a sperm depository or a vaginal life support system isn't fun for any woman!

 

Not that he views you as such? But, it doesn't take much to make a woman feel as such?

 

No one, not man a nor woman likes playing second fiddle to anyone else nor anything else.

 

You sound like you've got it bad for the guy, but want and need him to give himself a big hugh cup of WTFU!

[giotto]

you need to sit him down and tell him what you told us. He is not a child. He has a family and duties towards his family. He can't behave like a spoilt brat. Me, me, me and my guitar! You need to be firm with this. He needs to understand how you feel about this. He needs to understand your feelings. He is a grown-up man. What have you got to lose? You don't have a marriage right now...

[LisaUk]

I agree with Gunny and Giotto, you need to spell this out to him. Yes you have said many times before, but like Gunny said sometimes you have to be REALLY CLEAR.

 

With regards to him not liking the same things as you and you feel he should do them soemetimes anyway, why can you not compromise with each other, instaed of expecting him to compromise himself for you? I don't mean that harshly, but why should he do stuff he hates, for you? Why can't the two of you find something that you would both enjoy together and the things that you enjoy and he enjoys, do seperately with friends?

 

Communication is key, talk to your husband.

[Gunny376]

I would recommend grabbing him by the ears and getting eyeball to eyeball with him when you have "tha' talk"

 

But seriously? One has certain obligations and responsiblities when one enters a relationship?

 

And that includes going and doing things that the other likes and enjoys that you don't. You know you've found true love when you come to love the things you once hated about the one your with. (As in: "Yea he/she's crazy! But I love her anyway! )

 

You've already done this! Now its time for him to step up to the plate and put the big boy britches on!

 

And just as parenting doesn't end at conception? You've got to date your mate? What it took to get her? Is what it takes to keep her (or him)

[LisaUk]

I agree you have to date your mate, but there is a way to do that in doing things both of you enjoy. It's about quality time, that's what it comes down to IMHO.

[Ilovehimbut]

I understand what you're saying, but I feel like I do ALL of the things that he enjoys (because I don't want to sacrifice time with him), and he is not willing to do ANYTHING I enjoy. The other part that bothers me is that our kids enjoy the things I enjoy, and we camp and fish and boat and jet ski by ourselves a lot. It would just be nice to have my husband (and their father) with us once in awhile. I'm not asking him to do it every weekend, but once a year sure would be nice.

[LisaUk]

I understand, it must be incrediably frustrating, what I was suggesting was, is there a way you can find something to do together or as a family that you both enjoy? You see that way, it will be much easier to get him to do things with you, as he will see it as you meeting him half way, and hopefully things will improve from there?