Sharbuncle Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 My husband and I were best friend before we started dating. I found out he was Bi sexual, and was fully accepting of that. His attraction to men is solely surrounding the sexual aspect; he has no desire to be involved emotionally with a male. He was a virgin, but had messed around with a few guys before. He was too ashamed and terrified to ever go the whole way. I told him i understood, and had no problem with it. Hell, I even found it interesting. We get along amazingly, and remained in a fairy-tale like state for the first year of our marriage. One day, I was doing my homework online, and decided to take a break and check my email. As i reached the log in page, I had a strange urge to check my Husband's email. I had no reason to distrust him...our life was pleasant, Our sex life was amazing...but something was tugging at me to check. After a few attempts, I pinned the password. What I saw next would progressively deteriorate my life over the next few years. Multiple emails replying to sex ads for men off craigslist. There were dates and times, personal information...pictures...I was mortified. I had to struggle to contain my dismay, asking my friend who was over to take my 2 year old son to the park so I could finish my homework. It was obvious something was wrong, so there was no hesitation in them leaving. My husband came home shortly after, and I waited until he was settled to confront him. I couldn't stop myself from screaming at him, demanding to know who he had seen, when he had seen them..if it was done in our home, in our car....if my son had been exposed to such things. He was dumbfounded at first, then realized I had seen his email. He swore he never met with anyone. He was sexually confused, and was too terrified to tell me and end up losing me and our son. He said it was nothing more than emails. I told him to stop, delete everything, and TALK TO ME if it came back. I told him we could try toys, or watching porn...anything..I just HATE being lied to, and living in ignorance! I am SO ACCEPTING and WILLING to try things! there is NO REASON to lie to me... a few months passed, and a few times he talked to me, and we solved it, and talked through it. I had confidence it had changed. One day, just as before, I got suspicious. When he went to the store, I checked the history on his laptop. ONCE AGAIN he was back to the emails!!!!!! One was even to the guy he had messed around with before we met!!!!! I confronted him, infuriated, and demanded a divorce. He broke down, told me how ashamed he was...how he could change. I told him you CANT CHANGE YOUR SEXUALITY!!! he needed to accept who he was, and find ways to deal with it. The third time, He got smart. he was deleting and hiding things much better. I put a keylogger on all our computers. I thought he would cease his ridiculous fetish, and try and work with me. This time, he had emailed from the Station computers. SO CARELESS!!!! You can get kicked out of the military for that!!!!! this happened weeks before he left for 5 months to training in Virginia. As he left, I told him I wanted a seperation..i just cant trust him!! he swore he would never cheat and act on it...so we agreed he would email and watch porn...harmless, as long as he admitted it. *** my husband HATES himself..and that is the problem. He thinks he is disguisting..it's like a split personality..he tried to fight his attraction to men, and lets it build up and build up..he wont come out of his shell and talk to me....he tried to pretend nothing is wrong..living a double life*** So he is in Virginia..I go to visit him. He wants to build trust, and FINALLY settle this chip on our shoulders about his sexuality. I suggest a threesome. He is too nervous and ashamed to try..so we don't...I leave and come home. We got into a HUGE fight recently..over unrelated subjects...and i finally hung up the phone and wouldnt answer for a full day. I was sick of all the tension and turmoil..just wanted one day of peace and drama-free environment. By this time, we have our daughter. So now there are TWO kids involved...... He calls and admits to me the next day that in his anger, he has met with a man and had sex. He is bawling, hysterical, talking about suicide. I call his chief and they have to calm him down. They do not, however, know it is a man.... SO it has been7 days. he admits he is Bi... he hates himself... He begs me to stay with him. I am SUCH a prideful person... If emails almost split us up, how does he think I feel now? It's not even the act that bothers me...HE LIED TO ME AGAIN! After all I offered!!!!!! I understand he is ashamed, and doesn't want me to see him be 'weak' and give in to his sexuality...but what he did was CHEATING..and he knows the other 2 relationships before him ended because of CHEATERS. He is in school for 2 more months. When he gets out, he wants us to live together and 'be a family'....he said when his bi sexuality becomes an issue, we can have a threesome or try a strap on or something.... he says he wants to go to counseling, and 'prove to me he is different, and doesn't want to live that lifestyle' My opinion: he feels fine now because 3 years of built up tension was just released. Will he have the courage to tell me next time, or will he act on it again? And what if next time, he brings home an STD, or some freak follows him and meddles in our family? I am so alone...so lost... I don't want to hurt him... I don't want my kids to lose their father.. but I can't look at him and feel the same.... I cannot even stomach the thought of kissing him...let alone having sex... after years of talking, compromise..broken promises......What do i do!? I am at SUCH a loss here...so torn. He suggested I go out and even the score....meet with someone and do it back...then we go on as if everything is fine, and have threesomes when this comes up again. The problem isn't that he is bi...that is fine....but he hates himself, and lies so much to try and protect my feelings...and all that does ultimately is hurt us!!! should I let him try counseling....should I go out and sleep with someone to make myself feel better...even though morally i am SO incapable of such a thing... It's so soon to think of all this.... I just don't know what to do. I can't look at my own children without fighting back anger and saddness. Suggestions? has anyone been through such a thing? also, sorry for the length..... I just really need to get this all out in the open. I am SUCH an open person...i put everything on the table..don't like it, walk away...that mentality, you know? I find it refreshing... But sadly, in the military, if this subject comes up, his career is over... Do I believe he can change? That he is capable of compromise and working with me? Someone Help.... Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Sounds exactly like what happened with my husband 25 years ago (pre-Craigslist). He said he fooled around and "experimented" in college. He knew of the places where tricks could be turned. Told me he had sworn off it completely when we got married. We had a great sex life until I came home early from work one day and found him and three other naked guys on our living room floor. Marriage over. Therapy ensued... I'm lucky that we didn't have children. But I believe that unless you are in a polyamorous relationship and all three of you are sleeping with one another in a completely open situation, than bi-sexuality does not work and your husband needs to make a decision. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharbuncle Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 But do you think any of the solutions would work? Should I give it a try? Not like he can hurt me anymore now.... I just don't know if I can live with the betrayal.... Also, I haven't seen him in person yet...still 2 months away... the internet on his phone is blocked now, so no worry about access...and his room mate, a friend of mine, has agreed to keep an eye out for me. Should I wait to see how i react in person? And is the grass -really- greener on the other side, or just brown in different spots? Isn't it pathetic how some people just can't face themselves...and inflict turmoil on others? ESPECIALLY the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 But do you think any of the solutions would work? Should I give it a try? Not like he can hurt me anymore now.... I just don't know if I can live with the betrayal.... Also, I haven't seen him in person yet...still 2 months away... the internet on his phone is blocked now, so no worry about access...and his room mate, a friend of mine, has agreed to keep an eye out for me. Should I wait to see how i react in person? And is the grass -really- greener on the other side, or just brown in different spots? Isn't it pathetic how some people just can't face themselves...and inflict turmoil on others? ESPECIALLY the kids. The problem is not that he's bisexual, but that he can't be trusted. Link to post Share on other sites
sparkler22 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Here's something I've wondered about on this issue for such a long time... why in the world does a person have to be unfaithful just because they're bisexual? If you're in a relationship, that means you're with THAT person. Period. It doesn't matter if you like men or women or mailboxes. It seems ridiculous to me.. a straight person doesn't get the okay to cheat because they also like blondes and happen to be married to a brunette. I can't possibly be true that bisexual people are incapable of being faithful?? Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Honestly it sounds like you were more than open to letting him explore that side of himself. Based on his past behaviors, you can be certain he WON'T be anymore open about it now than he was before. The man is having a serious identity crisis and you're a big part of his identity. Is he in therapy. Do you have any concrete reason to think he actually has changed? I don't see it here. And honestly, if he's already cheating on you with men, would it be that much of a leap to cheat with women? I'm guessing that would bother you more. Why continue to live in a place where you constantly have to wonder. I like women too. My last bf was very cool with that and didn't consider it cheating even if he wasn't around. (Now, I never took him up on it, but it was nice to feel accepted). As a treat, I offered him a threesome because he likes that idea very much. (But alas, we never got the oppurtunity). Point is, some people are open to making a bisexual situation work; some are not. It sounds like you were open, but you can't do it by yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
crissie Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Hi, I dealt with this situation with my recently ex boyfriend. Men in this situation (urges to be with men sexually but still like the lifestyle and sex of women) are hard to date...Honestly, I don't think any women without the same bi-sexual feelings can get through it... We don't understand the urges. My boyfriend was divorced from his wife because he was doing the same thing your husband is doing now...The same thing. When we started dating he told me all about his need to be with men, I tried to accept it, told him I understood but I have to know everything that happens...I never did, he would tell me a couple of things so that I felt "safe" but there was so much more going on....SO much more. Point I am trying to make is that his behavior will never stop..Sorry, you have the choice of accepting what he is (which is gay, but doesn't want to give up the social aspect of "normal" life). or you can leave, but understand it is not you, it is nothing you did. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 The problem is not that he's bisexual, but that he can't be trusted. I think this is right on the money. I know a few bisexual people who have happy marriages and are faithful to their partners. I also know of a few bisexual/straight/homosexual couples in which cheating is taking place. If you look on the OW/OM board, there are many women having affairs with married men. I think a person is either meant to be with one person, or meant to be with many. I don't think bisexuallity has anything to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
crissie Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I think this is right on the money. I know a few bisexual people who have happy marriages and are faithful to their partners. I also know of a few bisexual/straight/homosexual couples in which cheating is taking place. How do you know people are bisexual and still faithfully married? If they are not sleeping with both men and women, they're not bisexual?? Does that mean they told you they would sleep with the same sex if they weren't married? Because that to me means they made a choice of being Hetro. Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 How do you know people are bisexual and still faithfully married? If they are not sleeping with both men and women, they're not bisexual?? Does that mean they told you they would sleep with the same sex if they weren't married? Because that to me means they made a choice of being Hetro. Faithfully married could also mean that they have threesomes (together), or that the partner allows same-sex extramarital sex as long as everything is open and there is no betrayal/lying. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 How do you know people are bisexual and still faithfully married? If they are not sleeping with both men and women, they're not bisexual?? Does that mean they told you they would sleep with the same sex if they weren't married? Because that to me means they made a choice of being Hetro. Uh, so according to your logic, if someone is not sleeping with anyone at all at the moment, they are 'asexual'? Bisexual goes to many levels. Some just can't do without BOTH sexes.. and I do feel sorry for them, because it's gonna be hard to find a relationship in their case. Most, I believe, have one 'predominant' preference...the other is more like a side thing. Something they fantasize about, would do if they were single, but have no problems constraining it to just fantasy if they were in a relationship. Kinda like one of many fetishes. Link to post Share on other sites
crissie Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Uh, so according to your logic, if someone is not sleeping with anyone at all at the moment, they are 'asexual'? . Actually, I'm saying if you are Asexual but still involved in a marriage, it should be assumed and expected that you are not having sex with the spouse. If you marry a Bi-sexual man it shall be assumed and expected that he is sleeping with Men and his wife. Your (OP) husband is what he is, and that is Bi-sexual, you can kid yourself all you want and think he will stop, but he won't. Your only options are what utter of lies touched upon... Be comfortable enough with your husband to allow him to be sexual with other men (even, participating if that is what you so choose to do , though please don't do that if you do not want to, but instead just want to have control over the situation) Or, as hard as it is, walk away. My opinion is sexuality is a deep-rooted part of our being, it's not something you change.... And I question (OP), that when you were best friends and he told you he was bi-sexual why did you not think of what this really meant before you married him? Did you think he was kidding, or that he would get over it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharbuncle Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Faithfully married could also mean that they have threesomes (together), or that the partner allows same-sex extramarital sex as long as everything is open and there is no betrayal/lying. see THIS is soooo true. And exactly what I was hoping to confirm. The sexuality isn't the problem..it's the Shame, and LYING. AAAHHH THE LYINNNGGG! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharbuncle Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 when you were best friends and he told you he was bi-sexual why did you not think of what this really meant before you married him? Did you think he was kidding, or that he would get over it? I knew, and I accepted it. I told him it was fine, as LONG as I was involved. He lied, and did it behind my back. Evidently because he was so ashamed... My question is, Do I give him another chance? Do I try the threesome, the toys, the 'talks'.... is it worth it? Will he EVER stop being ashamed, and be open with me? Any success stories at all??? Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 see THIS is soooo true. And exactly what I was hoping to confirm. The sexuality isn't the problem..it's the Shame, and LYING. AAAHHH THE LYINNNGGG! Yes. I knew, and I accepted it. I told him it was fine, as LONG as I was involved. He lied, and did it behind my back. Evidently because he was so ashamed...but why would he be ashamed after YEARS of me being fine with it!?! 'I was ashamed' is just another cheap lie. I don't think you should do the threesome. Why? Because if you were completely ok with it, you would have done it a long time ago. And I don't think you should give him another chance, because he proved to be untrustworthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharbuncle Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 If you're in a relationship, that means you're with THAT person. Period. It doesn't matter if you like men or women or mailboxes. It seems ridiculous to me.. a straight person doesn't get the okay to cheat because they also like blondes and happen to be married to a brunette. I couldn't have said it more beautifully myself. I believe in primal sexual urges..I really do...but there are people who let their Mind and morals take precedent, or those who give in to such temptation...sadly, I had to fall in love with the lesser of the two types. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharbuncle Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I don't think you should do the threesome. Why? Because if you were completely ok with it, you would have done it a long time ago. I TRIED. he wouldn't do it!!!!! he was too scared!! He is SO jealous of me as a person..and has admitted that before...he hates how he can't be outspoken and social like I am....so he is SO terrified of my opinion, he is desperate to hide from scrutiny... I believe you are right, I just needed some confirmation that I wasn't simply being rash in my time of grieving. thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
madredhead Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 check out the website http://www.bisexual.com for a wealth of info as well as support. Link to post Share on other sites
StarChick Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I'm bi and have been married to a guy for the better part of a decade. I wouldn't dream of cheating on him. He's my best friend and I don't simply have it in me to hurt him and my family at that level. Regardless if you're straight, bi, or gay, CHEATING IS CHEATING! People need to get past the labels. The whole "Well, if they're bi, then they MUST have to have a guy/girl on the side, too!" is offensive and silly. To the OP: PLEASE take care of yourself and your children. I hope you're getting regular checkups and keeping an eye on things, physically. You've already given him chances. How many chances is this guy WORTH? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I knew, and I accepted it. I told him it was fine, as LONG as I was involved. He lied, and did it behind my back. Evidently because he was so ashamed... My question is, Do I give him another chance? Do I try the threesome, the toys, the 'talks'.... is it worth it? Will he EVER stop being ashamed, and be open with me? Any success stories at all??? That's what my husband did. I kept telling him it was okay as long as he was honest. He was not. Our marriage ended. I have huge trust issues... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharbuncle Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 I also have serious trust issues... i WISH I could live in ignorant bliss..but then again, I always pity someone who seems to live in a world of utter obliviousness. One day i simply got suspicious, with no real motive, and found out what he was doing. I think he needs to pay for his mistake, and figure his own mess out. It is time for me to focus on my kids, and my career. If I feel lonely, I will turn to a friend, and talk. I never have a problem talking. If I get sexually frustrated, i will get a toy...lol...they make men without any emotional turmoil after all!!! lol. (= Link to post Share on other sites
levharius Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 just because other peoples relationships never improve and the other spouse keeps doing it dosent mean everyone is like that. i am that person. i became the monster i never wanted to become. im sry to the one i hurt.. and i will prove each and every one of you women wrong that i am different than them.. im not going to let fear and shame destroy my life anymore. and to the woman who said me saying my shame is a lie, you dont know me so dont even start to think you do. im sry you all were hurt and i am going to fix my mistakes with my family and make everything better. thank you... Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I truly wish you two the best, and hope you can mend your marriage. Lev, just be, and stay, honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharbuncle Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 I can't even express myself in a forum without him tracking me down and feeding me his excuses. It's PATHETIC. just go away. Link to post Share on other sites
levharius Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 u posted on my forum first im sorry. im not feeding you excuses... i want to make you happy. i want us to be a complete family.. we can work out and i am going do to everything within my power and do it. i love you shar. nothing like this will ever happen again, im disgusted with myself for doing what i did. i am going to be faithful to you til the day i die in bed laying next to you. im not afraid anymore.. plz, let me show you. Link to post Share on other sites
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