Husband is starting to disgust me

[mavislwf]

This sounds so horrible. I am losing all interest in my husband. We have been married almost 13 yrs and have 2 kids. He has no interest in sex and this has caused a lot if resentment on my part. This started about the 3rd year of marriage, BTW. I have begged him to go to counseling. He won't go so I have. I have come onto him, dressed sexy, been the good wife to no avail. We have talked about this issue until we are both blue in the face over and over and NOTHING changes on his part. I have tried so many things I am beginning to feel stupid. Anyway, the last few months my husband has gained about 100 lbs. This was added to his already overweight frame. Now I don't care that he doesn't want sex b/c he grosses me out! He is about 200 lbs overweight. I do not nag him at all about his weight. I show concern for his health (he has sleep apnea and high blood pressure). The Dr's have all told him to lose weight. Like they say you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. He eats fast food everyday and hides the bags in the trash outside. I am so tired of all this. I have tried and tried everything I can think of. We have no relationship. All he does is watch TV and eat in his free time. I want to go experience life outside of this house and he sits on his butt all day on weekends and after he gets home from work. I try to talk to him about his day, do all chores around the house, make dinners, let him wind down, etc (I am a stay home mom). I know I sound absolutely horrible but I have NO ONE to talk to about this in a candid manner so please don't judge me. I don't know what to do.

[Thaddeus]

Anyway, the last few months my husband has gained about 100 lbs.

He's gained 100 lbs in only a few months?

 

Sounds like there's much more to the story here than just a lack of sex drive on his part.

 

He's over-eating and putting his health in danger for a reason. But you're right when you say you can lead a horse to water, etc.

 

What else is going on in his life? Added work stress? Has he lost someone recently? Financial issues?

[Teslacoil]

A friend of mine lost her husband in exactly the same way, except instead of watching TV all day, he was playing World of Warcraft.

 

She tried everything too. In the end she had to divorce him. Fortunately they'd only been married 5 years with no kids.

 

Why does your husband refuse therapy? Does he really think that everything in your relationship is A-OK? With 13 years and 2 kids under your belt I'm not sure what to tell you. Maybe if you talk to some of his family members, a brother or his dad, they might be able to talk some sense into him.

[mommyto3]

I'm in a pretty similar situation, except we have 10 yrs and 3 kids. I don't have the answers, but wanted you to know that you are NOT alone, and if you ever need to chat, I am here.

 

Lisa

[JackJack]

It sounds to me like maybe he is depressed. Lots of things can play a role in a person's decrease in sex drive, and depression and even a persons diet is some things it can effect.

 

has he been to see his medical doctor for a check up? He really does sound depressed. The down side is, until he decides he wants some kind of help to get out of this funk, and he has to want to try to lose some weight, there's not alot you can do other than try to be there for him the best you can, and be supportive.

 

I understand you're frustrated, and not saying you don't have a right to feel that way, BUT, the more supportive and encouraging you are the better it may be. I'm not saying it will change anything, that will have to come from him, but at least he might feel he has someone on his side instead of a resentful person who thinks he is just gross. Maybe counseling would be good for you, so you can get help on how to work on the resentment you have.

[giotto]

I'm sure you've asked him why he doesn't want to have sex with you, but what has he actually replied to you? What are his reasons?

[eyeswide]

I think this kind of behavior (over-eating to the point of self-destruction) is basically a form of suicide. And it's AWFUL because it's such a downward spiral -- the more you gain, the more you self-loathe.... Obviously he's feeling hopeless about something down at the bottom of that spiral, too (maybe having to do with his libido problems?)

 

What about you, sweety? How are you taking care of you? It's sooooo hard being married to a depressed person. It's even harder being married to one who is afraid to seek help. So will you seek help? What about IC for yourself to begin with? Maybe that person can then help you figure out what you want to do next, help you determine the best way to support your H.

 

Much love and strength to you.

[mark982]

lady your husband has some serious problems,damn 200 pounds overweight,hearts gonna explode.if he don't want to help himself,there isn't a darn thing you can do except be miserable,and watch him eat his self to death. lifes to short to have someone drag you down with him.

[whichwayisup]

Start buying healthy food and throw out ANY junk food that's in the house. Talk to him about his weight and tell him that he HAS to go to see his Dr to get on a weight program to lose some pounds, see a nutrionist so he can learn to eat better, make wiser choices when it comes to food.

 

You two can go on walks together, that's couple time together, as well as getting exercise. He needs a swift kick in the butt to get him moving, so it seems..

[EnigmasMuse]

This sounds so horrible. I am losing all interest in my husband. We have been married almost 13 yrs and have 2 kids. He has no interest in sex and this has caused a lot if resentment on my part. This started about the 3rd year of marriage, BTW. I have begged him to go to counseling. He won't go so I have. I have come onto him, dressed sexy, been the good wife to no avail. We have talked about this issue until we are both blue in the face over and over and NOTHING changes on his part. I have tried so many things I am beginning to feel stupid. Anyway, the last few months my husband has gained about 100 lbs. This was added to his already overweight frame. Now I don't care that he doesn't want sex b/c he grosses me out! He is about 200 lbs overweight. I do not nag him at all about his weight. I show concern for his health (he has sleep apnea and high blood pressure). The Dr's have all told him to lose weight. Like they say you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. He eats fast food everyday and hides the bags in the trash outside. I am so tired of all this. I have tried and tried everything I can think of. We have no relationship. All he does is watch TV and eat in his free time. I want to go experience life outside of this house and he sits on his butt all day on weekends and after he gets home from work. I try to talk to him about his day, do all chores around the house, make dinners, let him wind down, etc (I am a stay home mom). I know I sound absolutely horrible but I have NO ONE to talk to about this in a candid manner so please don't judge me. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm sorry you're frustrated. I'm sure its frustrating to see the one you love not take care of himself, and kind of let him self go. Obviously something is going on, that needs to be delt with. I'm also sorry he disgusts you and that he has a eating problem and seems like maybe some kind of depression going on. I say sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Tell him in a non judgemental/resentment free tone, how you're concerned about his health and suggest him seeking medical help. Let him know you're here for him and will help him if you can. Yes, it will have to be him that wants to make that change. But sometime, just having someone there that is concerned and caring can make a difference as well. Maybe he senses you're resentful, and knows you're disgusted by him, and so he has just given up all together.

[whichwayisup]

He probably has some depression too.

[blair08]

Since you said you had been to counseling yourself, what did they say? What did they suggest you try?

 

You said this all started around your third year of marriage and that you've been married for 13 years. This has gone on awhile then. I do think it could be a form of depression too, or maybe he could have just gotten comfortable in the marraige and chose to let himself go.

 

If you have told him how you feel, what have you told him and how have you said it? What would you like to see come out of all of this? Do you really want him to change, get help for whatever is wrong and lose some weight so you can get on with your married lives together? Or do you feel there is so much resentment that you don't know if you can get beyond that?

[Hotchocolate]

I get it. My husband has totally lost himself in me. He is fit as a fiddle, but has lost all identity outside of me. It is suffocating. I want nothing more than to fall back in love with him, but all his eggs are in my basket and I am overwhelmed. What is so tough are hearing people say there are no decent men out there...yikes. I guess I'll just never find my soul mate.

[pelleblue]

I came to the conclusion as a hormonally challenged teenager that that girls really don't like sex. When I was 14 that was awkwardly normal without question. Girls acted this way; boys took it for granted. All the dating and effort I put in through hgih school and college solidified this as fact. Sure I heard about the "rumor" that a girl "somewhere" liked sex, but in the dozens of girls I ever dated this mystery girl never appeared. In the reality of my life and experiences, "horny" girls don't exist. It's a myth to me.

 

If girls liked sex as much as guys, why isn't it obvious, expected, and normal like it is for guys? Girls are the V hole gate keepers, not the ones chasing down dudes for physical necessity. Yes or No. Maybe maybe Not. They decide, not guys.

 

I've since learned this is also based on scientific fact. Go figure: just past the girl's hole there are no nerve endings to feel anything inside. Nothing. Imagine a guys penis with no nerve endings. How satisfying would sex be for him? That's what it's like inside the V of girls.

 

Now you know why size doesn't matter to a girl. They can't feel anything inside anyway.

 

I'm 46 and have been married for 16 years. We have sex practically every day and she says she likes it but in the very back of my mind is this doubt. Will I ever truly believe that women can like sex as much as a man??? Or is my childhood inprint irreversible?

[blair08]

Pelleblue, you might want to start you own thread about this if you haven't already. This really doesn't have much to do with the thread already going on.

[asireen]

This is a very difficult situation. The first issue is his health, try to help him in any way you can. I know there is only so much you can do. Try to stick around till your youngest child is 18 years old. After that, you may have a decision to make. You have a life too!

[carhill]

Get a part-time job; go back to school part-time. Do some positive things for yourself. I'm assuming your kids are school-age. Sometimes people have to hit rock-bottom before they wake up or get help. Sometimes, they die. You're just human. You can't be responsible for his choices and psyche. Definitely accept and support, but do what is healthy for you and the kids. If that means leaving him, so be it.

[Juniper22]

To the OP< hows things going with all of it? You haven't replied so was just wondering if anything has changed? Take care of yourself..you can not help those who do not want to be helped.

[jnj express]

If things are as you say they are, then you need to go to the extreme, it will either shake him up enuff to get him back into the mge., or if he doesn't react then you know what you have to do. What is that extreme----DIVORCE, OR THE THREAT OF IT------- You should not live the rest of your life as you are now. There are things out there to do and see. If you your H. has thrown in the towel on life, that doesn't mean you have to. Read the threads where married partners have gone to extrmes vs. partners who won't budge to help make a mge. a good viable living situation, All of a sudden when the act has fallen on the do-nothing partner, they wake up---many times it is toooo late. It is time for you to get off your hindside and take your life into your own hands. Do not be a mamby-pamby controlled woman, You are free to endjoy life----but do get your divorce first!!!!!

[Phateless]

This sounds so horrible. I am losing all interest in my husband. We have been married almost 13 yrs and have 2 kids. He has no interest in sex and this has caused a lot if resentment on my part. This started about the 3rd year of marriage, BTW. I have begged him to go to counseling. He won't go so I have. I have come onto him, dressed sexy, been the good wife to no avail. We have talked about this issue until we are both blue in the face over and over and NOTHING changes on his part. I have tried so many things I am beginning to feel stupid. Anyway, the last few months my husband has gained about 100 lbs. This was added to his already overweight frame. Now I don't care that he doesn't want sex b/c he grosses me out! He is about 200 lbs overweight. I do not nag him at all about his weight. I show concern for his health (he has sleep apnea and high blood pressure). The Dr's have all told him to lose weight. Like they say you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. He eats fast food everyday and hides the bags in the trash outside. I am so tired of all this. I have tried and tried everything I can think of. We have no relationship. All he does is watch TV and eat in his free time. I want to go experience life outside of this house and he sits on his butt all day on weekends and after he gets home from work. I try to talk to him about his day, do all chores around the house, make dinners, let him wind down, etc (I am a stay home mom). I know I sound absolutely horrible but I have NO ONE to talk to about this in a candid manner so please don't judge me. I don't know what to do.

 

He's made his chocie very clear and you've waited a solid 10 years to see if he'll change. He obviously won't.

 

He sounds worthless to me. Life is too short.

 

Leave him.

[jnj express]

Hey mavis----you only get one go around on this planet, and if you don't live your life in the best way you can for you, then shame on you. If you are going to stay in what you say is a horrible mge., then you have NO COMPLAINT COMING TO YOU-----You can either make your H. see what needs to be fixed, and make him fix it, or get out of the mge. Kids are not a reason to stay in a horrible mge. Kids adapt and they will be better off if their parents are happy even if apart. I commend you for not cheating on your partner, but once again, if your H. won't change, then you need to get a divorce and find someone you can be happy with, that you can grow old with.

[mavislwf]

Wow, my head's about to explode!

 

 

I came to the conclusion as a hormonally challenged teenager that that girls really don't like sex. When I was 14 that was awkwardly normal without question. Girls acted this way; boys took it for granted. All the dating and effort I put in through hgih school and college solidified this as fact. Sure I heard about the "rumor" that a girl "somewhere" liked sex, but in the dozens of girls I ever dated this mystery girl never appeared. In the reality of my life and experiences, "horny" girls don't exist. It's a myth to me.

 

If girls liked sex as much as guys, why isn't it obvious, expected, and normal like it is for guys? Girls are the V hole gate keepers, not the ones chasing down dudes for physical necessity. Yes or No. Maybe maybe Not. They decide, not guys.

 

I've since learned this is also based on scientific fact. Go figure: just past the girl's hole there are no nerve endings to feel anything inside. Nothing. Imagine a guys penis with no nerve endings. How satisfying would sex be for him? That's what it's like inside the V of girls.

 

Now you know why size doesn't matter to a girl. They can't feel anything inside anyway.

 

I'm 46 and have been married for 16 years. We have sex practically every day and she says she likes it but in the very back of my mind is this doubt. Will I ever truly believe that women can like sex as much as a man??? Or is my childhood inprint irreversible?

[mavislwf]

Thank you all for the advice. I did talk to him, and he proceeded to play video games on the PS 2. WTF? Anyhoo, a lot of you have answered the nagging questions I had in my head. I hate to admit it, but I am in a bad place with this person. I need to communicate AGAIN to him in a NEUTRAL place and give him one last chance.