Weight and marriage

[Lauriebell82]

I have a general question stemming from a convo I had with my best friend last night. She told me that her husband told her that if she ever got fat again (she was never FAT to begin with, chunky yeah) he would divorce her!!!

 

So I guess my question is: how important is physical attraction to a marriage/relationship? Shouldn't you love the person no matter what?

[Thaddeus]

So I guess my question is: how important is physical attraction to a marriage/relationship?

Extremely important. If I don't find her attractive physically, or she doesn't find me attractive physically, that's likely going to lead to denial of sex. No sex means that the relationship is in the tank. So, yes, attraction is extremely important.

Shouldn't you love the person no matter what?

I think you're referring to unconditional love.

 

There's no such thing as unconditional love between two adults.

[Lizzie60]

I have a general question stemming from a convo I had with my best friend last night. She told me that her husband told her that if she ever got fat again (she was never FAT to begin with, chunky yeah) he would divorce her!!!

 

So I guess my question is: how important is physical attraction to a marriage/relationship? Shouldn't you love the person no matter what?

 

Fair enough.. but I would tell him that the same thing goes for him..

 

I think there is a difference between getting fat and gaining a few pounds.. I think that most people gain weight when they're in a happy relationship... I've read that somewhere..

[giotto]

I think it depends on the extent of the weight gain... having said that, I would not personally mind and I believe you should love your partner for what he/she is, not because of their looks...

 

Physical attraction is indeed important, but communication about it even more...

[OpenBook]

There's no such thing as unconditional love between two adults.

 

I would add "in a marriage" to the end of that sentence. Unconditional love IS possible between two adults... just not in a marriage. Because it's a life partnership. There's too many practical/logistic issues to deal with, too many compromises to be made.

 

Being yoked to the same wagon kills the ability to love unconditionally.

 

And for many people, this includes weight.

 

Sad, but true.

[milvushina]

I have a general question stemming from a convo I had with my best friend last night. She told me that her husband told her that if she ever got fat again (she was never FAT to begin with, chunky yeah) he would divorce her!!!

 

So I guess my question is: how important is physical attraction to a marriage/relationship? Shouldn't you love the person no matter what?

 

You can love them no matter what, but if you love someone that you think is physically unattractive then I think that's called friendship.

 

Of course when you get married you promise to stick through all life's changes, so who knows what you "should" do. I think some people are just more critical like that, I mean, my H has put on some pounds but I still think he's hot. He would have to change A LOT for the attraction to totally be gone. And even then I might still enjoy intimacy because of the emotional attachment.

[Kamille]

 

Physical attraction is indeed important, but communication about it even more...

 

Agreed! I also think it's important for partners to support each other through their goals. On the one hand be open to input from partner but expect them to support you through that. You know, as in, "honey, I hope we can both stay fit. How about we join a gym together". If my partner just flat out said: I expect you to stay fit and left it on my shoulders, I might resent it in the long term.

 

Also, I mean, in my mind the goal of marriage is to grow old together. I would hope my hypothetical hubby would find me beautiful even with wrinkles and a few extra pounds.

 

But then I tend to date men who aren't superficial at all, so it's never been an issue for me. (All the men I dated long term loved it when I gained weight and would reluctancly support my efforts to lose weight - and no, I am not a waif even at my ideal weight ).

[quankanne]

putting on weight as you age – especially as a married person – is a given. If he's a good cook ... if you have his kids ... if there are health issues that cause you to put on weight. So people shouldn't really freak out over that. NOW, if a change in weight (gain or loss) is enough to warrant a medical condition, then yeah, it's time to be concerned.

 

people change physically as time passes. Their partners should get used to it. Or not bother being in a long-term relationship.

 

that said, how many women out there keep themselves in healthy condition ... and are with men who let themselves go to pot? As lizzie says, men need to live up to the expectations they have of women!

[Lizzie60]

As lizzie says, men need to live up to the expectations they have of women

 

Exactly.. makes me laugh when I see a picture of a guy on a dating site.. who wants a fit, attractive woman between 100-120 lbs.. when he is, himself... overweight....grey.. balding .. gross... I have the urge to send them a nasty message.. but I bite my fingers..

[Els]

Extremely important. If I don't find her attractive physically, or she doesn't find me attractive physically, that's likely going to lead to denial of sex. No sex means that the relationship is in the tank. So, yes, attraction is extremely important.I think you're referring to unconditional love.

 

There's no such thing as unconditional love between two adults.

 

So.. if your wife told you that if you ever got a pot belly, she'd divorce you, you'd be cool with it? Since physical attraction is important and all..

[Mr. Lucky]

So.. if your wife told you that if you ever got a pot belly, she'd divorce you, you'd be cool with it? Since physical attraction is important and all..

Like so many things in marraige, it's a question of degrees. Most people do gain a few pounds as they do get older, but that's different than those folks you see that weigh 100lbs or more above their ideal body weight. Being accepting of your partner shouldn't give them a carte blanche to do anything they want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Thaddeus]

So.. if your wife told you that if you ever got a pot belly, she'd divorce you, you'd be cool with it? Since physical attraction is important and all..

Cool with it? Probably not. Understandable? Yes.

 

While I wouldn't expect her to remain exactly the same - and I hope she wouldn't have the same expectations of me - fact is that physical attraction is important.

[theBrokenMuse]

She told me that her husband told her that if she ever got fat again (she was never FAT to begin with, chunky yeah) he would divorce her!!!

 

 

And why is she married to him then? I mean if he'd leave her over that just imagine how quickly he'd be writing up the divorce papers if anything really horrible ever happened to her. I can't imagine being with someone ready to pull the trigger at the first sign of trouble.

 

It reminds me of the model, whose name I can't remember because she wasn't really famous, who was in a fire and her husband brought the divorce papers to her while she was still in ICU at the hospital. People can be so repugnant sometimes that it makes me think less of the human race as a whole. Ugh.

[Els]

Well, as long as the guy is honorable enough to apply the same standards and conditions to himself, like Thaddeus and Mr. Lucky here, I'd say live and let live. A marriage after all is an agreement between two parties, and everyone else's opinions can go to hell as long as those two parties are satisfied with the agreement.

 

That, of course, is assuming that all this is brought into the open BEFORE the agreement is entered into. Sounds like LB's friend had no idea that her man was like this before she married him, though. That's not cool.

[redtail]

I have a general question stemming from a convo I had with my best friend last night. She told me that her husband told her that if she ever got fat again (she was never FAT to begin with, chunky yeah) he would divorce her!!!

 

So I guess my question is: how important is physical attraction to a marriage/relationship? Shouldn't you love the person no matter what?

 

Well, it's what brought the couple together initially, right? Then the attraction grew from there. So I'd say it's important.

 

Having said that, I think it's one thing to think this and quite rude to say it to a partner. It's an ultimatum, and degrading to think that you have this hanging over your head that should your looks slip beyond your partner's standards, they're going to drop you like a bad habit.

 

However, I do think that two people that love each other, stay fit and maintain their appearance not because of an ultimatum but rather to please themselves as well as their partner.

[Lauriebell82]

Well, as long as the guy is honorable enough to apply the same standards and conditions to himself, like Thaddeus and Mr. Lucky here, I'd say live and let live. A marriage after all is an agreement between two parties, and everyone else's opinions can go to hell as long as those two parties are satisfied with the agreement.

 

That, of course, is assuming that all this is brought into the open BEFORE the agreement is entered into. Sounds like LB's friend had no idea that her man was like this before she married him, though. That's not cool.

 

Actually she did know. She was "chunky" before they got engaged and lost a bunch of weight which he LOVED. He was like obsessed with the fact that she was so thin. (she told me this) She said he used to call her "thunderchunk." She says that it helps her stay motivated not to "let herself go" but deep down I think it really hurts her. She cant have children and she said that her husband hates the way pregnant people look so he's glad they are going to adopt.

 

If my fiance ever said anything like that to me (and he likes thin girls) I'd pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him.

[Els]

If my guy ever gave me an ultimatum like that I would totally be off too. That's the 'unconditional' part of my love... that he not place the superficial above all else.

 

There's a difference between saying 'honey, I think you've been putting on a bit much these few weeks, we should go to the gym together', and 'honey, if you ever become fat I'm dumping you'.

[Lauriebell82]

If my guy ever gave me an ultimatum like that I would totally be off too. That's the 'unconditional' part of my love... that he not place the superficial above all else.

 

There's a difference between saying 'honey, I think you've been putting on a bit much these few weeks, we should go to the gym together', and 'honey, if you ever become fat I'm dumping you'.

 

I totally agree. My fiance likes thin girls like I said. I put on some weight last year when I started my job. (I sit on my butt in an office) I gained about 15 pounds probably and he noticed and said the same thing you did, that he noticed I put on a little bit of weight and asked if he wanted to go to the gym more often with him. (he is a body builder).

 

I kind of wonder if he would have proposed/married her if she had not gotten thin. Hmmm...

[Thaddeus]

... that he not place the superficial above all else.

See, there's the trap.

 

If a partner gets turned off because their SO has put on a ton of weight, suddenly they're superficial and shallow.

 

But physical attractiveness is far from superficial. Now, what I may find attractive might be different from what someone else finds attractive, but that doesn't make my choice or the choice of the other person superficial. We just happen to desire certain physical attributes.

 

Why is it superficial when a guy says he isn't attracted to someone who's, say, 30 pounds overweight, but when a woman says she insists on a guy with a full head of hair or is a certain height or taller, that's somehow not superficial but OK?

 

After all, to a large degree, one's weight is a choice. One's height or fullness of hair isn't.

[Lauriebell82]

See, there's the trap.

 

If a partner gets turned off because their SO has put on a ton of weight, suddenly they're superficial and shallow.

 

But physical attractiveness is far from superficial. Now, what I may find attractive might be different from what someone else finds attractive, but that doesn't make my choice or the choice of the other person superficial. We just happen to desire certain physical attributes.

 

Why is it superficial when a guy says he isn't attracted to someone who's, say, 30 pounds overweight, but when a woman says she insists on a guy with a full head of hair or is a certain height or taller, that's somehow not superficial but OK?

 

After all, to a large degree, one's weight is a choice. One's height or fullness of hair isn't.

 

That's not what we are saying. If it was a guy meeting a girl for the first time and not desiring her to be on the heavier side (which is not superficial, it's a physical preference.) I mean after all there are tons of men who desire a female with some extra poundage.

 

What we are trying to say is when a HUSBAND who has promised to love and cherish his wife forever threatens to divorce her if she gains weight. Marriage is for better or for worse (not all believe that) therefore getting married to someone means you accept them fully for who they are. Not "I promise to love you as long as your thin."

 

If people are concerned with their partner looking the exact same way for the rest of their life then IMO they shouldn't get married.

[hoping2heal]

As someone who is overweight, and has been losing. I would like my partner to love me and support me, and should I gain the weight back and "let myself go" I would hope he would encourage and support me to re motivate, but if I didn't, I would understand if he wanted to leave. Because I would be very selfish to just let my health and appearance go. Just like, I would love him if he gained weight, but I would hope he was doing something about it. If he was active, eating healthy (most the time ) and the weight remained? Then I wouldn't mind, it wouldn't bother me. I think what would turn me off most isn't the weight so much as watching him do nothing about it.

[Els]

See, there's the trap.

 

If a partner gets turned off because their SO has put on a ton of weight, suddenly they're superficial and shallow.

 

I didn't say that at all. I said 'places the superficial above all else'. Looks are a 'superficial' thing, in that they are, basically, on the surface. It's fine to have preferences for different looks. It's not fine to place them above your marriage vows, IMHO. LB nailed it right on the head. The difference is substantial; if your partner belches a lot on the first date you'd have every right to not want to date her again... whereas if somewhere along the line she gets pregnant and bloated and starts belching you'd be one hell of a bastard to divorce her for it.

 

Anyhow if it's not wrong for someone to divorce their partner because of their weight, how is it wrong for me to dump my bf if he ever gives that ultimatum to me? Someone who places such ultimatums will definitely not be attractive to me anymore. In LB's friend's case the husband isn't even attempting to work through weight issues with her. It's more of a boss telling an employee 'I don't care how you do it, I want that contract with such and such company or I'm firing you.'

 

Also, one's fullness of hair is a choice. Have you never heard of finasteride? Regardless, yes, I would say that it's not okay for a woman to divorce her husband because he's balding.

[norajane]

She said he used to call her "thunderchunk."

 

He's quite the prize, isn't he?

 

Maybe she can start calling him chromedome when he starts losing his hair, or flatass, when he gets older and starts losing his girlish figure. That should help their relationship tremendously.

[quankanne]

"pendejo" has a nice ring to it, too, NJ

 

honestly? If my husband spoke to me like that, he'd be in for an azz-kicking, because that is out of line and incredibly disrespectful. And I'd expect the same response toward if I were to belittle him like that, because it's flat-out WRONG.

 

Lizzie? Next time the urge comes over you ... give in!!!!

[Jilly Bean]

LB - this marriage sounds troublesome. If he's already calling her names (abusive), and already told her if she gains X, he's done, the probability is extremely high she will put on weight again, as she has struggled with this in the past, and with her (obvious) self-esteem issues, I don't see this one working out for the long haul.