Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 LB - this marriage sounds troublesome. If he's already calling her names (abusive), and already told her if she gains X, he's done, the probability is extremely high she will put on weight again, as she has struggled with this in the past, and with her (obvious) self-esteem issues, I don't see this one working out for the long haul. Yeah, IMO he is extremely controlling. They just past their 2 year mark of being married. They apparently seem happy however he is in the Air Force, therefore they have been seperated for a lot of the time. If they lived together and spent tons of time together for 2 years I think their relationship would be a lot different. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Why is it superficial when a guy says he isn't attracted to someone who's, say, 30 pounds overweight, but when a woman says she insists on a guy with a full head of hair or is a certain height or taller, that's somehow not superficial but OK? Who said that where? It's not the first time I hear this "double-standard" argument on LS, and yet I find there is very little proof of it. My advice to both men and women is usually the same on this topic: you're allowed to have your preferences, but in the long run it's working as a team that's going to pull you through. And yes, I have participated in threads where men were turned off when their partners gained weight, and never called them superficial. Instead, I advised them to try and find a way to care and support for their partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 There's honesty and then there's tasteless rudeness. She will get heavy while pregnant. That's a given. Whether she retains the weight, is up to her. Has she put him on notice for a beer belly or baldness? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 There's honesty and then there's tasteless rudeness. She will get heavy while pregnant. That's a given. Whether she retains the weight, is up to her. Has she put him on notice for a beer belly or baldness? Well unfortuntely she cannot have children. So he dodged that I guess. He told her pregnant woman are not attractive. It's funny because he gained a bunch of weight before going to basic training for the air force. He hasn't gained it back because he is in Afganistan but it's funny how it's okay for him to gain weight for not for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Well unfortuntely she cannot have children. So he dodged that I guess. He told her pregnant woman are not attractive. It's funny because he gained a bunch of weight before going to basic training for the air force. He hasn't gained it back because he is in Afganistan but it's funny how it's okay for him to gain weight for not for her.This is the perfect time for her to push his buttons a little. "Honey, shouldn't I be divorcing you about now?" while poking his love handles... Link to post Share on other sites
Nemoralis Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Physical attractiveness IS important in a relationship. Arguably one of the most important things because it relates strongly to sex, and usually when the sex in a relationship suffers, the relationship as a whole suffers. (Debatable which causes which). My boyfriend and I are very open and honest with each other. When we first got together, he told me he'd probably leave me if I ever gained a lot of weight (the usual extra pounds gained at middle age aside). I laughed and agreed. We are both young and in perfect physical shape right now. I know I'll have no problem keeping myself in shape and I expect the same from him. If one of us doesn't care enough to keep in shape for the other, that doesn't say much for how valuable the relationship is to us. However, I DO agree that a marriage vow is "for better or for worse." I'm pretty sure that's spelled out word for word! So I think I'd rather just not get married. I don't agree with the vows. If my partner changes for the worse and starts to bring me down, I would gladly try to help them out. If it doesn't work, I'm bailing. Shallow? Maybe. But in the long run I have to do what's best for me and expect the same of my partner. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 my wifes more than doubled her wedding day weight. is the physical attraction gone? hell yes. but it just seems that after all these yrs,that somehow everythings ok. we get along well,enjoy each others company. sex is not to often,but who after 25 yrs(as of yesterday)can say it's just as good? you reach a certain point and stay cause you reach a comfortable level. and yes i've put on about 30 pounds in 25 yrs. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 my wifes more than doubled her wedding day weight. is the physical attraction gone? hell yes. Well flame away, but I wouldn't - no make that "couldn't" - stay married under those circumstances. IMHO, someone that would gain that much weight voluntarily doesn't respect herself or the relationship. Others may disagree but it wouldn't work for me... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I lived through this. I was depressed and gained weight and my ex told me that he would leave me if I gained more. He made no effort to support me through the depression or with helping me motivate myself to get in shape. Telling me that and saying I was attractive anymore actually made me feels worse and I gained more weight rather than feel encouraged to lose it. Yes, sex may be important but you also signed on to love and support each other through sickness and health. Hearing someone say that you're looks are more important than what's inside of you, or more important than how caring or loving you are will not make anyone feel good. What if they were in an accident and were disfigured, would you leave them just because they aren't pretty anymore? For me, no I wouldn't, I signed on for life and I would stay by their side. If looks are so important to so many people, no wonder the divorce rate has increased over the years. Sometimes the weight gain or lack of motivation to do anything about it IS the health issue and these people would just walk away and leave you to deal with it on your own. Would you do that to your spouse if the illness was cancer? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 He made no effort to support me through the depression or with helping me motivate myself to get in shape. Assuming you weren't willing to cooperate, how would you have suggested that he "motivate" and "support" you? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Would you do that to your spouse if the illness was cancer? Apples and Oranges. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I was willing - I was seeing someone and taking medication for the base problem. But when you ask your partner to help you by going to the gym with you or to go hiking or biking with you and they always turn you down? Or only go with you once and then don't want to be bothered? Or they don't want to waste their time to listen to you or ask you what's going on? They want you to do it and do it on your own. And heaven forbid if you don't get better according to their schedule. And what about the partner? What if they have things to work out about themselves but they don't want to? But you stay with them even though they're not in the best physical shape? Honestly, I left and worked out my problems on my own and as I am getting healthier the weight is being worked off. But I know that I never want to waste my time with someone that shallow again. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Apples and Oranges. So you don't see a mental illness the same as a physical illness? Well if you ever looked into the source causes, you'd learn that a lot of overweight people are overweight because of mental health; whether they are emotional eaters, whether they are unmotivated because of depression, or because they don't love themselves enough. You're honesty saying that if your partner was suffering from any of those problems you'd leave them? So it's okay if they have a problem you can see but not okay if you can't see it or understand it? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 You're honesty saying that if your partner was suffering from any of those problems you'd leave them? So it's okay if they have a problem you can see but not okay if you can't see it or understand it? I don't think I said that did I? I think I merely said "Apples and Oranges". You extrapolated the rest. Cancer and emotional eating are two different things - plain and simple. It was just a bad comparison on your part in trying to make your arguement. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Cancer and emotional eating are two different things - plain and simple. It was just a bad comparison on your part in trying to make your arguement. Agreed. This card gets played every time the weight discussion comes up: What if they were in an accident and were disfigured, would you leave them just because they aren't pretty anymore? Not even close... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I think there's a huge difference between gaining weight and having an accident that affects your looks - one is self inflicted and the other isn't. If my partner had an accident, of course I'd be sympathetic and supportive, and my feelings for him wouldn't change no matter what he looked like. But if he gained a huge amount of weight I'd feel disrespected, as if he didn't care about looking good for me and didn't care whether I found him attractive or not. If we had both aged together and both gained a few pounds it wouldn't be an issue, but if I'd made an effort to stay trim and he'd just let himself go I'd feel like he didn't care about me - an excessive and avoidable weight gain caused simply by greed and laziness is very unattractive, both in terms of looks and also in terms of the qualities it implies in the person. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 My advice to both men and women is usually the same on this topic: you're allowed to have your preferences, but in the long run it's working as a team that's going to pull you through. The most succinct and accurate post on this thread. I absolutely agree. He told her pregnant woman are not attractive. Oh . Actually I disagree- I sure don't feel that hot carrying around this baby and all the extra junk that came with it, but my H thinks I am still hot and "cute"- he said there is something incredibly attractive about a woman who is carrying HIS child. However, if I had gained the same amount of weight and NOT been pregnant, I know he wouldn't be thinking I was so hot. And neither would I- I have standards of my OWN to uphold. I will be making every effort I can to get at least within 5lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight, and thats for ME, not for my husband- but he benefits from it as well. Cancer and emotional eating are two different things - plain and simple. It was just a bad comparison on your part in trying to make your arguement. I can't even believe people would insult cancer sufferers/ victims and their families by making that kind of comparison. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 PS- thorntons point about overeating being self inflicted as opposed to something like disfigurement, which isn't, is excellent. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I think it would depend on the causes of the weight gain. Not everyone is the same and people put weight on for different reasons, medical and mental reasons included. So, if we are just talking about being fat because we are pigs and we stuff our faces with burgers all the time, then fine, but obesity is a condition with many causes and I would be careful with sweeping statements... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Well flame away, but I wouldn't - no make that "couldn't" - stay married under those circumstances. IMHO, someone that would gain that much weight voluntarily doesn't respect herself or the relationship. Others may disagree but it wouldn't work for me... Mr. Lucky Nothing wrong with that, as long as you spell that out for her BEFORE marriage and she agrees with it. I'm curious about why one would even bother with marriage and vows if they plan on leaving their spouse if the spouse gains weight though? If you yourself know that you could leave a marriage so easily, at least save yourself, the kids, and the other person all the tedium and pain and broken lives, and DON'T get married? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Nothing wrong with that, as long as you spell that out for her BEFORE marriage and she agrees with it. I'm curious about why one would even bother with marriage and vows if they plan on leaving their spouse if the spouse gains weight though? If you yourself know that you could leave a marriage so easily, at least save yourself, the kids, and the other person all the tedium and pain and broken lives, and DON'T get married? mmm... I can see how this would pan out... "dear, I'm going to marry you, ok, but please note that if you get fat I will have to divorce you..." Do you really think the marriage would go ahead? I doubt it... People don't know what they are really getting into when they marry... I didn't even want to get married in the first place (never understood the difference) and all that stuff about vows made me laugh... but I'm committed to my marriage and have taken all the necessary steps to save it the few times we hit trouble. Not because I believe in marriage, but because I believe in being a couple and a family. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Oh . Actually I disagree- I sure don't feel that hot carrying around this baby and all the extra junk that came with it, but my H thinks I am still hot and "cute"- he said there is something incredibly attractive about a woman who is carrying HIS child. I know I'm a woman so perhaps it doesn't count, but I think pregnant women are gorgeous! So I would definitely take your Mr.Wonderboy's words over the opinion of some guy who's so into his fiance being skinny he makes it a condition of their marriage. I'm sure you are an amazingly hot pregnant woman! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I'm curious about why one would even bother with marriage and vows if they plan on leaving their spouse if the spouse gains weight though? If you yourself know that you could leave a marriage so easily, at least save yourself, the kids, and the other person all the tedium and pain and broken lives, and DON'T get married? I guess I don't understand your question unless you're proposing that there shouldn't be ANY dealbreakers in a marriage ? Here is the post I responded to: my wifes more than doubled her wedding day weight. is the physical attraction gone? hell yes. His wife hasn't gained a few pounds (as many of us do as we get older), she's doubled her weight. In my mind, she's the one that has left the marriage... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I'm saying you shouldn't marry if 'physical attraction' will be considered as a dealbreaker in a marriage, yes. I would say the same thing if the person said 'lack of good cunnilingus' would be a dealbreaker, or if 'snores in bed' would be a dealbreaker, etc. Just to clarify: I think NOT dating the person for the reasons above, or terminating a relationship where there are no additional ties due to the reasons above, are fine. But if you have a house together, 3 kids together, your lives tied up together for 20+ years? You would dump all of that just because she put on some extra weight, even if she's trying to lose it? And you would expect your partner to end the marriage as well if you did? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I'm saying you shouldn't marry if 'physical attraction' will be considered as a dealbreaker in a marriage, yes. Why is 'physical attraction' a less noble attribute than 'fidelity'? Both require commitment and effort in a long-term relationship... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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