Weight and marriage

[Star Gazer]

Actually she did know. She was "chunky" before they got engaged and lost a bunch of weight which he LOVED. He was like obsessed with the fact that she was so thin. (she told me this) She said he used to call her "thunderchunk." She says that it helps her stay motivated not to "let herself go" but deep down I think it really hurts her. She cant have children and she said that her husband hates the way pregnant people look so he's glad they are going to adopt.

 

If my fiance ever said anything like that to me (and he likes thin girls) I'd pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him.

 

Are you talking about yourself? Haven't you lost 20 pounds since you got engaged??

[Els]

One is complete betrayal of everything in the relationship. Another is looking less good. Weight gain is just like depression. Sometimes it can be controlled easily. Sometimes it can't or takes a tremendous amount of time, effort and medical intervention to do so. And by tremendous I mean years.

 

Seriously, if you put on weight and your wife cheats on you, you would consider the crimes equal?

[Mr. Lucky]

One is complete betrayal of everything in the relationship. Another is looking less good. Weight gain is just like depression. Sometimes it can be controlled easily. Sometimes it can't or takes a tremendous amount of time, effort and medical intervention to do so. And by tremendous I mean years.

 

Seriously, if you put on weight and your wife cheats on you, you would consider the crimes equal?

Equal, no. But in the case of the poster who's wife gained 100lbs+, equally debilitating to the marriage, yes. By his own admission, it's cost him any sexual attraction he had for her. Do you think he's wrong for feeling that way?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Thaddeus]

Similar thing happened to a very good friend of mine.

 

Before marriage his wife was a very slender woman that took great pride in her appearance.

 

Less than a year later her weight had BALLOONED, she stopped shaving her legs and armpits (ewww... especially at the beach) and simply didn't seem to care about her appearance anymore.

 

Now, undoubtedly there are misandrist posters here who will somehow find a way to blame her husband but the fact is that she changed HUGELY within a year. She never admitted it, but the sense that I got from her - in between over-sized spoons of Rocky Road ice cream - is that she had "caught" him and simply didn't have to try anymore.

 

They're still together, by the way, nearly 20 years later. And by all accounts she's making his life a living hell. She's cheated on him at least twice, is ruining him financially (she has a thing for shoes and household knick-knacks) and, according to him, they haven't had sex in well over a year.

 

But due to his religious beliefs, he won't stand up to her or even consider divorce. Every time I see him his shoulders are slumped further, his face is drawn and haggard and he's a wreck.

 

It's tremendously sad.

[Els]

I'm not talking about that poster. I'm talking about LB's friend. She did mention that the friend was only 'chunky' and not morbidly obese.

 

No I don't think he's wrong to lose sexual attraction for her. If he just upped and left her and her kids before even trying to work things through (and by work things through I mean stick with her as long as she was willing to make an effort to lose it), I would say that he was wrong.

 

If you lose your hair and your wife has no sexual attraction for bald men would you consider that she had a right to leave you?

[Star Gazer]

I'm talking about LB's friend.

 

You believe that's who she's talking about?

[Thaddeus]

If you lose your hair and your wife has no sexual attraction for bald men would you consider that she had a right to leave you?

Balding is not a choice. Weight, by and large (no pun intended), is.

[Els]

They're still together, by the way, nearly 20 years later. And by all accounts she's making his life a living hell. She's cheated on him at least twice, is ruining him financially (she has a thing for shoes and household knick-knacks) and, according to him, they haven't had sex in well over a year.

 

This is an extreme case; and in this case I'm very sure the cheating and total lack of sex is what caused him most of the misery.

 

Thaddeus, you haven't answered our question. If a man became bald and pot-bellied (enough to be considered the equivalent of 'chunky' for women) we would bash his wife equally for leaving him. Would you consider it okay?

[Els]

Balding is not a choice. Weight, by and large (no pun intended), is.

 

You must have entirely missed my post. You can take medications for balding.

[Thaddeus]

Thaddeus, you haven't answered our question. If a man became bald and pot-bellied (enough to be considered the equivalent of 'chunky' for women) we would bash his wife equally for leaving him. Would you consider it okay?

If he essentially "gave up," sat on the couch all day eating chips and watching NASCAR, then yes, I think she'd have every right to take her affections elsewhere.

You must have entirely missed my post. You can take medications for balding.

Didn't see that. Yes, I know one can take (or apply) meds for balding. And there are side-effects that may cause some serious issues. Would it be fair for a woman to insist that a man get those drugs given the risk of serious side effects? (Side effects may include impotence, depending on the medication.)

[Els]

Some of the methods people use to lose weight can cause serious health problems as well. If a healthy balanced diet and exercise does not solve the problem or takes too long to show improvement (and it WILL take much longer than those methods), many will resort to those methods if they're desperate to keep their partner. Or in your opinion as long as effort is made, it's alright? But the sexual attraction still is lost; and that alone is your justification for leaving.

[Thaddeus]

Some of the methods people use to lose weight can cause serious health problems as well. If a healthy balanced diet and exercise does not solve the problem or takes too long to show improvement (and it WILL take much longer than those methods), many will resort to those methods if they're desperate to keep their partner.

That's absolutely true. There are some so-called "diet pills" that have very harsh side effects. I'm no physician, but given my very limited knowledge on the topic, I think they're probably a bad idea.

Or in your opinion as long as effort is made, it's alright? But the sexual attraction still is lost; and that alone is your justification for leaving.

All I'm saying is that sexual attraction is a very big part of the relationship, regardless of which party changes. Loss of sexual attraction generally equates to diminished, or non-existent, sex. And that could very well doom the relationship.

[Els]

So what if, again, the man becomes bald and the woman is not sexually-attracted to him? Or if someone (man or woman) has to take important medications which cause weight gain, and exercise and a healthy diet does not prevent it?

[Thaddeus]

Elswyth, we're just going around in circles here. I've made my point, you're free to have the last word on it if you wish.

[Els]

I'm not trying to have the last word. I'm genuinely interested if you think that it's okay for the partner in the above two situations to leave.

[Lauriebell82]

Are you talking about yourself? Haven't you lost 20 pounds since you got engaged??

 

I'm not talking about myself, I'm talking about my friend. My fiance would never in a million years say anything like that to me.

 

Yeah I lost 20 pounds, I started trying to lose it in like March though. I was never fat or chunky anyway, I just wanted to get skinnier and I did. I did it for me not him. I'm not sure what that has to do with it anyway.

[Lauriebell82]

You believe that's who she's talking about?

 

Why do YOU think I'm not talking about my friend? Sheesh.

[Star Gazer]

Why do YOU think I'm not talking about my friend? Sheesh.

 

Because you're always been scared about being "good enough" for your BF/fiance to make him want to marry you; he has said mean things to you in the past; he prefers thin girls; and you've recently lost 20 pounds (you were on the chunkier side before that, not that there's anything wrong with that). Coincidence, or are you really "your friend"? Even if you're not technically the girl you're talking about, you obviously share quite a lot in common... I think you're interested in this subject not only for your "friend," but for yourself as well.

 

*shrug*

[Trialbyfire]

I think it all boils down to reasonable levels of expectation and also, why each party went into the marriage. Sex is an important element of marriage but if it's all you have, it's more likely that someone will bolt at the first sign of physical change or the lust wears off.

 

It takes more than lust to sustain a marriage. It takes mutual respect, like, trust and love.

[giotto]

she stopped shaving her legs and armpits (ewww... especially at the beach)

 

She's cheated on him at least twice

 

 

wow, with someone who likes the hairy type, I suppose...

[Lauriebell82]

Because you're always been scared about being "good enough" for your BF/fiance to make him want to marry you; he has said mean things to you in the past; he prefers thin girls; and you've recently lost 20 pounds (you were on the chunkier side before that, not that there's anything wrong with that). Coincidence, or are you really "your friend"? Even if you're not technically the girl you're talking about, you obviously share quite a lot in common... I think you're interested in this subject not only for your "friend," but for yourself as well.

 

*shrug*

 

Omg, geez. Not that I even have to defend myself about this but "preferring thin girls" and calling someone "thunderchunk" or saying they will divorce them is quite another. I prefer athletic guys with muscles and I have told him. Preference.

 

And how do you know I was on the "chunkier" side before that? I was overweight in college until I lost a lot (like 50 some pounds). I have only gained a little here and there. I was about average weight I'd say before losing 20 pounds (like 130), now I'm really skinny (110). For a 5'2 person.

 

But you are right I'm interested in the subject because my fiance does care about my weight, for my health as well. When I told him I wanted to lose weight he helped me find exercises that would tone target areas and he kept me motivated when I was trying to get my endurance back for running. I care about my weight for myself and for him. So our situations are similar, however we deal with it in a healthy manner.

[Lauriebell82]

I think it all boils down to reasonable levels of expectation and also, why each party went into the marriage. Sex is an important element of marriage but if it's all you have, it's more likely that someone will bolt at the first sign of physical change or the lust wears off.

 

It takes more than lust to sustain a marriage. It takes mutual respect, like, trust and love.

 

Great points, I agree. In my friend's case I think he went into it wanting to marry the "thin girl." Like I said before, if she hadn't lost weight I wonder where they would be right now.

[Star Gazer]

Omg, geez. Not that I even have to defend myself about this but "preferring thin girls" and calling someone "thunderchunk" or saying they will divorce them is quite another. I prefer athletic guys with muscles and I have told him. Preference.

 

And how do you know I was on the "chunkier" side before that? I was overweight in college until I lost a lot (like 50 some pounds). I have only gained a little here and there. I was about average weight I'd say before losing 20 pounds (like 130), now I'm really skinny (110). For a 5'2 person.

 

But you are right I'm interested in the subject because my fiance does care about my weight, for my health as well. When I told him I wanted to lose weight he helped me find exercises that would tone target areas and he kept me motivated when I was trying to get my endurance back for running. I care about my weight for myself and for him. So our situations are similar, however we deal with it in a healthy manner.

 

I've seen pictures of you, LB, when you posted pictures of yourself with him in your profile.

 

Anyway, good for you for becoming "really skinny," if that's your thing. I hope you stay "really skinny" for your fiance.

[sb129]

I think it would depend on the causes of the weight gain. Not everyone is the same and people put weight on for different reasons, medical and mental reasons included. So, if we are just talking about being fat because we are pigs and we stuff our faces with burgers all the time, then fine, but obesity is a condition with many causes and I would be careful with sweeping statements...

 

 

I don't buy that.

Sorry, but I don't believe in obesity being anything other than a product of our societies overindulgence and underactivity.

Obesity was practically non existent 100 years ago (and is still very rare in many poorer countries on the planet), but our genetic makeup is exactly the same.

 

Balding is not a choice. Weight, by and large (no pun intended), is.

 

I agree. And if you double your weight, thats quite a gain.

Surely you could catch yourself a little earlier before it got that out of control.

[Star Gazer]

Great points, I agree. In my friend's case I think he went into it wanting to marry the "thin girl." Like I said before, if she hadn't lost weight I wonder where they would be right now.

 

I wonder what would have happened if you hadn't as well.

 

Also, SB... I think you're a beautiful preggo person.