Holding-On Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 You know what? Sometimes marriages DO break up after one party has suffered an illness or an accident. Sometimes they break up after a child is ill, injured or dies. Sometimes they break up after other stressful events such as bereavement, financial problems etc etc. Being married to someone who is very ill or injured is extremely stressful, by the same token having a child who is very ill, injured or dies is extremely stressful. Some marriages/ relationships simply can't withstand that kind of strain. Its a fact, and it doesn't mean there is no love in the R. In an ideal world, marriage is for better or for worse, BUT its almost impossible to know whether your marriage/ relationship actually will withstand that kind of strain until you are in the situation, and there is no "practice run" for something like that. So do we vet potential partners on the basis that they may/ may not cope in a situation that may never happen to us? Perhaps we can to a point, but we can't ever be truly sure unless we end up in a situation that puts the R under strain. This is beautifully put. Link to post Share on other sites
Holding-On Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 In a purely monogamous relationship, I imagine physical attraction is extremely important as sex is either with that one and only person or yourself. I have never felt trapped by my husband because I have the option to have sex with another and not lose the emotional connection with my husband or the security of our household. Similarly I have never felt trapped into being a certain weight or acting a certain way sexually because my husband is free to choose his lovers. The catch is that you have to be a catch. Honestly, going out and dating other people, trying to connect, getting dressed up, wooing, spending money and time... going through websites and the like, you end up realizing just how lucky you are to have each other. You realize and remember how hard it was to find such a compatible person in the first place. I think a lot of monogamous people fantasize that they could have so much better a time of it if they were single. They remember single as when they were younger and had more time, energy and looks. When you have to go out and date, you realize how much of a catch you are currently considered by the world... or not! Unfortunately, if you had to get a divorce first to realize you really had a wonderful partner - already it is too late. Disclaimer: My husband and I are wired differently than most and I do not endorse that polyamory is better than monogamy. For most people it appears the reverse is true. Thank you and have a good day! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 You know what? Sometimes marriages DO break up after one party has suffered an illness or an accident. Sometimes they break up after a child is ill, injured or dies. Sometimes they break up after other stressful events such as bereavement, financial problems etc etc. Being married to someone who is very ill or injured is extremely stressful, by the same token having a child who is very ill, injured or dies is extremely stressful. Some marriages/ relationships simply can't withstand that kind of strain. Its a fact, and it doesn't mean there is no love in the R. In an ideal world, marriage is for better or for worse, BUT its almost impossible to know whether your marriage/ relationship actually will withstand that kind of strain until you are in the situation, and there is no "practice run" for something like that. So do we vet potential partners on the basis that they may/ may not cope in a situation that may never happen to us? Perhaps we can to a point, but we can't ever be truly sure unless we end up in a situation that puts the R under strain. Yes, but those are tests that make the couple stronger. If it breaks them apart, then what they had was not love. It was just for better, not worse. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Yes, but those are tests that make the couple stronger. If it breaks them apart, then what they had was not love. It was just for better, not worse. I disagree. Some people are never "tested" in that way, therefore you can't quantify their "love" according to your model. Some may be able to withstand a certain level of "testing" but not others. Some people split WITHOUT those kind of "tests". Those kind of situations can almost be likened to infidelity- its a stressful event that some marriages survive, and others don't. Love can change over time. Thats why people get divorced- but many people who get divorced say that lack of love wasn't the critical factor precipitating the divorce. Usually its a number of other factors. You can love someone deeply but not be IN LOVE with them anymore. If you stay with someone out of sympathy, guilt or obligation, THAT isn't "true" love either. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Which is what many of these "you're so shallow" comments overlook. The poster's wife that gained 100lbs + didn't acquire that body weight overnight. And he didn't lose his sexual attraction for her overnight. A partner that gains that much weight ignores many signs, roadblocks and opportunities to address what's going on. It's not just a single conversation that pops up one day at 250 lbs... Mr. Lucky Who was bashing the poster whose wife gained 100lbs and didn't bother to do anything about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Are you kidding me? Please stay out of my thread if you are going to continue this. Huh? Why are YOU getting so upset? Link to post Share on other sites
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