Trying to let go...

[dkny27]

I hate these up an down days...I really do. I wish I could just erase this whole thing from my mind. I have dreams, I am haunted be his face, his voice, him.

 

This was my first and last relationship with an addict. I have only had 3 serious relationships in my life (I am 31) M was the first and we were friends for about 2 years before we got together. After 3 years he was content with his life the way it was...but I wanted more so I broke it off and moved on. It wasn't a bad break-up. K was my second and I was so happy in the begining, but he turned out to be a pathalogical liar, cheated on me, ect. Broke my heart really bad but I then I went to therapy and then got on meds since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

 

I met my ex-abf through a good friend of mine...before he was an addict and got involved with Oxy's. He was with his gf when I met him, they had a child together, so of course I didn't persue him because I am not that kind of girl. Well we became friends and he would come out sometimes with the group of us. Then he and his ex broke up and we all went out but another girl kinda moved in on him and he ended up with her for awhile, then went back to his ex. I didn't see him often but we remained friends.

 

Fast forward to 2007 and he finds me online on myspace and asks me if I wanted to hang out and see where things might go. I liked this guy from the day I met him. We just clicked, but never acted on it cause he was with his ex @ the time and I knew her and had hung out with her too. I would never get involved with someone who had a gf. Anyways I tell him that my last ex K had really done a number to me, cheated on me ect and that I had trust issues and depression and anxiety. I also asked him about how he was doing. He was just home from Florida, had went to re-hab (that his job payed for) and was going to meetings everyday. He seemed good, I didn't have any experience with addicts so I was nieave. I called my friend who introduced us a long time ago and he said go for it. It was all good from there. Things were great. I was so in love with him. Our relationship was effortless, everything came so easy cause we already knew each other so I was never nervous. Then he relapsed and everything changed. I really try to believe he loved me when we were first together and all the things he said were true.

 

Things went downhill fast...you can look at my older posts to get the rest of that story. To the point where I had a restraining order on him and we didn't speak for almost 2 months. At xmas I was missing him so I sent him and xmas card because I knew the address to the holding he was in. Then his ex and i were on aim and she said he had wanted to thank me for the card but had no way to get ahold of me, and said he really wanted to talk to me. So New Years Day I called him and we eventually got back together and I was so happy because I thought he was doing so well in his program (now I know different as of last week) he was using me the whole time this time around (and most likely last time too) cheated on me with other girls, his ex caught wind and tried to warn me (all in previous posts on here) but he kept telling me he loved me, only wanted to be with me and I believed every word he said because I knew he was always faithful to his gf's before. There were times when we could have kissed when he was with his ex when we were friends but we didn't and he always brought that up, how he would NEVER cheat and I knew it cause we could have, we had oppertunity but we never did (I would never). and I beleieved him.

 

Boy does this all hurt so bad. It's like my world came crashing down. All I did was try to support him and he took advantage, but I let him. I loved him more than anyone else and I always will. No one is ever gonna be able to take the place of him (the good parts). He was my soul mate and I just hope that the first time we were together before he relapsed....that when he said he loved me...he meant it. It hurts too much to think that I could mean nothing to him. It hurts to know he is with another woman and that when he was with me it was all fake. I just don't understand how anyone could do something so hurtful to another person.

[NotSoSmiley]

I was with my ex for 3 years; we were friends for a long time and we got each other through a whole lot. But, he drank (runs in the family - his Dad is a recovering alcoholic) and when things got serious between us, I squashed the drinking. Beer was ok, but nothing hard (I couldn't stand it when he had Jack Daniels). Around the beginning of this year, I started to notice rolled up papers. Well, come to find out he was snorting Oxy's and Perks-whatever he could get his hands on. He asked me in February to move in with him; we have been talking about getting a house, getting married and having a family. But, when he asked me, I really surprised myself and said "no." Our relationship totally went down the toilet after that point. We made it until Easter and then he said he just "wanted to be friends." I knew he had found my replacement. We haven't spoken since then-it was sort of cold turkey. No calls or texts from him and I refuse to call and check up on him. We still have mutual friends-a month after breaking up with me, he moved in with the new gf. I know that it isn't going to work-she just happens to have a house and is charging him next to nothing for rent (stupid woman-more $$ for his drugs and alcohol). I tried to ignore the red flags for so long, but when he asked me to move in, I knew a ring was going to follow. And, I couldn't imagine spending my life with someone that I could never count on. How could I trust him to take care of me and any children we may have had? I tried to get him into counseling-told him I would go with him...but, he said he had me to talk to and he didn't need anyone else. It has been 4 or 5 months (I stopped counting) and I have been in therapy since we broke up. When he comes back, I need to be strong enough to tell him to leave. There isn't a day that passes that I don't miss him but I also know that I deserve so much better. He loved me, but he loved the drugs/booze more and that is not fair to me. It still hurts like hell and it took a long time for me to stop worrying about him. I can only hope that through counseling and with time things will get better. But, I have my good days and the bad ones. Sorry for sharing all of this, but it was encouraging to read your blog. It is an entirely different beast when someone breaks up with you because they are an addict. It changes everything. It also makes it that much harder because you know that it was never a question of love-the love was always there. It is the circumstances that make it unbearable. And sometimes love doesn't conquer all-I learned that lesson the hard way. Good luck to you!