Fights, Separation, Past, and a 2 year old

[Auroracoladybug]

I am a thirty year old who has been with my husband since August of 1997. We met because my ex-boyfriend and him were shipmates in the Navy. I went to San Diego to see some friends (who I had met thru my ex too) and we had a one night stand that led to a long distance relationship and him moving to Colorado in 1999 when he got out of the Navy. We have had communication problems all along because of our differences in upbringings but have worked thru a lot. In late 1999 I had an "affair" that after exposing the play by play recently I have realized that I was raped. When I thought that my best friend had told him I had cheated on him I told him I did because of him threatening to move back to his home state (where he had said previously there was nothing there for him) and I said that I was "testing" to see if I really wanted to be with him. I guess that I came up with that excuse because it was easier than facing what really happened. Fast forward to 2003, my ex and I began talking again as friends and he came in to visit. My husband (then fiance) tried to explain to me what he considered cheating and that he did not want me to spend time alone with my ex because he did not trust him...I should have listened...the second day my ex was in town we (the three of us) went to the Ren Fair, I did do some very immature things and my husband felt like a third wheel and quit talking to me...long story short...I got mad at my husband and left with my ex to go to dinner and a movie after the movie we went to look at the stars and talk and he kissed me and he put his hands down my pants and me the same...I broke it off before it went farther because it had already gotten to far (I guess I just wanted him to still be attracted to me and love me). I revealed everything to my husband and we had our fights...he forgave me and 3 years later we got married and had a son a year after that...A friend of mine was losing her house so we agreed to let her family move in...my husband began confiding in her that he was not happy and that he never really forgave me and that he was "pressured" to marry me because it was the expected thing to do. He and I had some big fights and he let his anger get the best of him. He asked for space but I was heart broken and wanted to talk. He admitted to being attracted to my best friend (who by the way is getting a divorce) because "she was flirtatious but knew her boundaries" now he has moved out into a friends basement so he can help pay for the mortgage and bills in our house but he wants to hang out with others and see if there is a person that we communicate with better and while doing this he will try to figure out what he wants... more to come but gotta go...

[LisaUk]

Hi, your story is very involved, it's kind of difficult to make out what has happened so paraphrasing

 

You told your H before you married that you had an affair, when in actual fact you were raped.

 

You had a sexual encounter with your ex, who is your H best friend. You confessed to your H who forgave you and you married and had a child.

 

Your best friend moved into your home and your H has confided in her that he is unhappy because the two of you have always had difficulty communicating and he never really forgave you for the affair (the rape or the sexual encounter with the ex?)

 

He has moved out to a friends house to get some space, date other peole and think about what he wants.

 

So, he has left you and this is not what you want?

Let me know if I have this all striaght?

[Auroracoladybug]

The rape and affair were before we married.

The ex is a former shipmate of my husband (no not friends for a long time)

 

I know that it is really confusing...I am worried that he will not give us a chance...do I keep spending whatever time I can with him? Do I keep away and distance myself? Is telling him that I love him pushing him away?

[Auroracoladybug]

Okay sorry new to all this

yes basically he confided with my best friend that he never really forgave me for the affair with the ex and then married me and had a son with me...he said that he buried his head in World of Warcraft to avoid it... sorry really emotional

 

yes he has moved out and it is not what I want... how do I show him that I am completely committed to him and faithful/trustworthy? I just want him to come home and I don't want to screw things up worse by being or not being patient or something...I want to know that we can work this out....how am I supposed to act?

[LisaUk]

He has moved out and said what exactly? I can't really give you any advice without more details. The best advice given on here if he has moved out and is saying he needs space is not to push, do the 180. Google Divorce Busting, details of the 180 and how to do it are on the website.

[LisaUk]

Okay sorry new to all this

yes basically he confided with my best friend that he never really forgave me for the affair with the ex and then married me and had a son with me...he said that he buried his head in World of Warcraft to avoid it... sorry really emotional

 

yes he has moved out and it is not what I want... how do I show him that I am completely committed to him and faithful/trustworthy? I just want him to come home and I don't want to screw things up worse by being or not being patient or something...I want to know that we can work this out....how am I supposed to act?

 

Hi, we just cross posted, sorry. The best plan is to google Divorce Busting like I said, follow the 180 to the letter. Give him space, don't keep trying to convince him to trust you, work on the marriage, that you love him etc, it will push him further away. I know it goes against all you want to do, but it really is your best shot.

 

I cannot believe World of Warcraft has been mentioned, yet again, it's a recurring theme on here. I know you are really upset, but try to not think about what he said about marrying you, he's re-writing history there.

 

Keep posting.

[Auroracoladybug]

So as we got to the point of him moving out to a friends this is what he said he wanted to address...

 

Things I want to address:[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

1. the issues I had with the last meeting.[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]

[/sIZE][/FONT]2. The constant mood swings, not only from me but you also.[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]

[/sIZE][/FONT]3. you not willing to go or do anything with me unless I get someone else involved first. (for example the plans for this weekend, going to Walmart to get you a new wireless card, getting **** b-day gift)

4. Your constant complaining about me not cleaning, feeding pets, taking care of Cian, you are not looking at the fact that I am working on these things on a regular basis.

5. That you insist on having "family time" (only you, myself, and C***) which I feels you want to be able to corner me and chew me out again, or try to influence me.

6. the controlling issues.[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]

[/sIZE][/FONT]7. the feeling I'm getting guilt trips, for example explain to (insert name, ****, my mother) why you are leaving.[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]

[/sIZE][/FONT]8. I spend money on things I feel I need or something to enjoy as a family and then it becomes an argument again because you feel I spent money we didn't have or something we don't need.

9. your lack of concern about doing the normal household items (bills, communicating, household chores, etc).[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]

[/sIZE][/FONT]10. Bringing in other people to this argument. L***, C***, S***, J**, C***, Ken, my mother, my sister. I have not brought anyone into the arguments, I have simply explained why I am upset. They are the ones who give me advise without me asking for it. I have had to explain my side of things more than not. And I have left nothing out.

11. Jealousy of my spending time with C****. I have not given you reason to be jealous. I figured out what attracted me to her before. The fact that she would flirt and know boundaries and not cross them. I knew one person like that before. E***. But you don't see me running back up to Washington to do anything about that do you. I have built a life here. I have stable and ample income. I had a life I enjoyed before the house and marriage. Not that I am trying to run away from my responsibilities now.[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

He has said that he wants to hang out with others and see how we communicate with them, he wants to hang out with me but not alone because we might fight (he is afraid that we will fight like we did this last blow up and then it definitely wont work...). I have told him that he is paying for the house too and that he can come and go as he pleases but now I am rethinking that idea...He doesn't know if he will ever be able to trust me and thinks that because we have had to go to marriage counseling that it is somewhat proof that "we should be together" but then he says that he doesn't know what he wants... I think he is seriously rethinking wether he had any freedom in any of his decisions since he graduated college and his family "coerced" him to join the military...excuses I know for not knowing who you are or what you feel...the funny thing about WOW is that he said that he was burying his head right? yeasterday he bought SIMS3 to play...I know he has some growing up and I love the kid in him too but I am willing to help him with all of this because I love him...I need him too

 

 

oh and hanging out for him is dating (if it was romantic it would be courting)...he wrote:

I was saying to date other people too because if it is just each other dating then it would be no different than just going out and having dinner with each other. That does not let us move on as a person and heal

 

I wrote:

[FONT=Calibri]In my opinion dating each other can help us move on as a person and heal and maybe find Us. Dating other people while we are married is in a way having an affair.[/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri]

[COLOR=#000000]his response:[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000000]Ok damn it this is what I was talking about. 2 different ideas of dating. If you say dating in a romantic sense then forget I even said anything. Forget this bull**** [/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000000][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000000]I will look up as you advised...probably get on again later...[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000000]Thanks Lisa[/COLOR][/FONT]

[Auroracoladybug]

sorry i didn't realize the font stuff would mess it up.

[LakesideDream]

The husband sounds like a calm and measured person. While generally I don't agree with walk away spouses who leave children behind, your husband does not see to be shirking his responsibilities on that front.

 

You admit to an affair, which much later turned into a "rape". That's a new one one me. How does an affair matriculate into a rape over a few years time? Please explain.

 

You also admit being "a jerk" and leaving your husband for an ex. Going to dinner and a movie, then "watching the stars" with his hand down your pants. Which evidently you confessed to.

 

And you can't understand why your husband is having second thoughts? Or third, and forth thoughts? I think you need to give him time to work these things through in his mind. Being needy and clingy isn't going to help your situation. Frankly, I believe you are lucky.

 

If a woman I was married to told me she was at the submarine races with a guys hand down her pants, presumably with fingers inserted into her vagina, I would have begun packing my bags, (or hers) immediately, never taking a look back.

[Auroracoladybug]

The first "affair" I never wanted to admit was rape...I never even confronted what happenened until now

 

the second was 3 years before we married with an ex that I totally agree should never have happened...

 

I am trying my best to not be clingy...I feel that we can work everything out and am more than willing to do anything to make him feel like he can trust me (even if he called every time he wanted to to check up on me)

 

I got on here for advice to help him and me...

[delajoonal]

i am still very confused...i am thinking that MC would be a great start...as far as i can understand, etc....did you ever get couseling yourself for the rape?

 

did you go to MC counseling after the rape so that you and your H could BOTH deal with IT?

 

im a still a bit confused on why your H left and what exactly happened to make him leave?

 

is H having an affair w/ your best friend?

did he just all the sudden one day say he has had enough?

 

i know you are frantic, scared , hurt and worried all those icky feelings, but maybe can you post somehting a little more detailed, paragraphed and start from the very beginning??

 

i think that would helps US all understand a bit more and then in turn we can give our opinions and our personal suggestions, etc.

 

take care and hope to see you post again...we are all here for you:)

[Auroracoladybug]

Okay so I know that I was very emotional with the last post so lets try this calmly...

 

I met my husband in 1997 while he was stationed in San Diego in the Navy. I met him thru a mutual friend of my ex Scott. Scott and I dated for 2 years and he broke it off after he got kicked out of the Navy, I had an abortion, and my family would not let him around. My husband and I started as a "one night stand", he knew he loved me by the time the week was over and I was much more hesitant. When my husband (J) was discharged he moved to my home state because he had no family left where he grew up and had "nobody there for" him. My family took him in and supported him fully. His first year here he had 9 jobs and struggled to keep his head above water and I helped him get a car, pay bills, etc. J said that he was thinking about moving back to his home state but I said that I didn't want to go because I was in college, had family here, and had a job that was supporting us. That year a "friend" stayed with my family two nights. I went in to my sisters room where he was sleeping to wake him up. I sat on the bed and he rolled over and put his arms around me. I thought nothing of it and was talking to him. The next thing I knew he was fondling me and nuzzling me. I was confused and asked him why he was interested in me, I didn't run and that was a mistake. The next thing I knew he was on top of me and pulling down my pants. I told him no and pulled my pants back up but he pulled them down again...I never kissed him, I never screamed, all I know is that he continued to penetrate me and my legs were never even on the bed and my pants were never all the way off...when it was all said and over he just left the room and I ran upstairs to change. I avoided him from then on and all he said to me was "don't tell anyone". The only person I told was my friend Jen to whom I never gave specifics other than having sex with the man. Some time later J was joking with me about cheating on him with the "friend" and I asked him if Jen told him...I told him that I never intended on telling him and made the excuse that I wanted to see if I wanted to be with someone else. J forgave me and we continued our relationship as if it never really happened. I realize know that that was one of our biggest mistakes because I may have seen that I was tramatized and may have found more respect in myself and gotten rid of the excuse. Four years later my ex began to call and we were having a good time talking. He came to visit and J warned me that he only wanted one thing from me but I didn't want to believe it. We (all three of us) went to a Rennaisance fair and as a joke looked for Scott's ex that hated us...we acted as if we were still high schoolers and J felt like a third wheel. We got mad at each other and distanced ourselves for the rest of the day. I wish that I would have seen that J was right all along. Scott told J that he wanted to take me out for dinner and a movie for my birthday (the next day) but never told me...by the time we left the fair J would not talk to me so Scott and I left. We went to dinner and a movie then on the way to his parents house we stopped to talk and watch the stars...he leaned over and kissed me and put his hands down my pants and I did the same to him...things got heated and I called it off knowing that I had already gone to far and it was not what I wanted. For the following couple of days I ignored that anything happened and once he left (so there would not be any fights with J and Scott) I told J what had happened. He was ready to throw me out and I told him I was sorry and said that he was the one I wanted to be with. It took some time but we decided to work on us and work this out. I made the mistake of keeping contact with Scott as friends and openly would answer and talk infront of J. J forgave me and I made many promises that I have never broken. Two years later I graduated college and we bought a house. Three years after the affair we married and a year after that we had our beautiful son. This spring my friend and her husband were losing their townhouse so J and I agreed that we had enough room to let them move in. My friend had been unhappy in her marriage for a while and was tossed about separating from her husband (they have a 4yo son as well)...she and J talked a lot while I cooked cleaned or took care of the kids...noting really new. There had been many things going on with J's work and they talked about moving him to the East Coast, I told him if that is what he needed to do then he could move and we would figure something out (1. him move and look for another job here, 2. him move and I would visit as much as possible while selling the house, 3. or him lose his job and we figure something out)...he took the conversation to mean that I didn't care about him but never said that to me instead he confided with my friend. My friend decided to kick her husband out (he lost his job and was worthless with many of his own problems)...at the same time J told me that he was unhappy with me and he was attracted to her (it came out a couple of weeks later that he was attracted to her because she was flirtatious but knew her boundaries and never took it to far). I was devistated and tried to run but had nowhere to go but home. Then the past came back that he lied and never really forgave me for the affairs and that he married me because he felt coerced to (the same way he felt about going into the military because his mother and grand-mother pushed it), he also said that he buried his head in World of Warcraft to avoid me (he hasn't played much since the fighting and yet he plays games on his computer all the time still and has always played some game system since I met him)...he felt that I did not respect him and he wanted space. He wanted space and I wanted to talk. Communication has never been a strong subject for me and I seemed to just iritate and push him away. I told him that I would do anything and that I was fully committed to him ever since Scott. We made up enough to be sexually active again and start talking but we had another big blow up. I contacted a Marriage counselor and we have been going weekley ever since...today J said he feels that he gets nothing from the counseling...he has moved into the basement of another friend of my roommate just a block down. J says he doesn't want to be around me when I am mopy and wants us to hang out with others and make new friends and see how we communicate with them to see if we can bring it back to us. He wants no more than a friendship at this point and wants to make the friendship better and then maybe he might want to start into a realationship again. J is a good person and has never done anything to me so wrong as I to him. He is still helping pay bills. I am scared that he will just string me along until he meets someone and then drop me and our son. I am scared that the responsibilites of the house and son are too much and he wants to relive his younger days (not that we are old). I have put my feelings in check so that we can talk, I am trying to give him an answer to everything that I can, I have basically severed communication with everyone around but my father so I know that I discuss them with J first. I am scared that my roommate is a distraction to him wanting to work on us and yet I can't ask her to leave because I need the help. What should I do? How do I act? What do I say? I love him so much that no matter that I am hurt I want noone else but him. He says that if I don't talk with others than how am I going to change...I have changed and I am trying to talk with him, have more confidence and respect in myself, I am giving him his space (I do not fight over what he wants to take and though I want him home I am willing to help him if he needs me), and mostly I am being as patient as I can. He is talking leagal separation not divorce (which gives me hope). I want my family back (just J, me, and our son)...your advice and input is appreciated...thanks

[delajoonal]

aurora....

 

ok...so that was long.but it helps me understand a bit more...kinda...

 

it seems you have had some really rocky relationships and traumatic situations.

 

did you ever get counseling for the rape?

and in reading about how he never forgave you for that 'affair', which is my understanding was actually the rape?

why haven't you told him the truth about the rape?

so he KNOWS you did not have an affair with that person, that person raped you before you even knew what happened:(

 

there are still alot of questions unanswered...like why did he really leave?

did he say he just needed space?

needed space to have an affair with your roomate?

 

and how is it your roomate is still in your home after she admitted to flirting with YOUR H???

 

kick her OUT!!!!

 

also she maybe just USING your H to see if she still has IT..you know... siince she kicked her H out, so she is basically single again, and testing the waters and your H was convinient...?

 

tell your H, you would like to start over, or anew?

you have a son, and that maybe H should grow up and NOT live in someones basement while he has a wife and child and a home!

 

i am still left wondering why you have NOT told him about this rape and keep letting H think it was an affair?

 

now the affair with Scott was a long time ago..and H forgave you, right...so if IT has come back to haunt him, then he needs to go to IC and MC and deal with it like a man...NOT run away like a 16 year old to party in his friends basement!

 

well, i am not sure what else i can give on this situation...i am also wondering how old you all are?

 

maybe you all just got married too young..and like your H said, he was forced to do stuff his family wanted him to do, and then marry you cause after being together all those years, that was the NEXT step?

 

i do kinda understand tho...i married my H when he was only 25...so now many years later, he is in a MLC...and boy it is sucky...

 

so maybe your H, depending on his age, is having some type of 'life-crisis"???

 

i also understand your pain and frustration of wanting your family back...oh do i know that pain...my H is filing for legal sep too..so that is a good thing we have to work with...its not as final then divorce...

 

so like i said, maybe your H just needs a kick in the butt and told to grow up etc..

 

or maybe he just needs time to consider what his life has come too with living up to everyone elses dreams for him..instead of his own???

 

anyway..i could speculate on and on...

 

bottom line, you both really need counseling..to get out all the stuff in between the lines...and for heaven's sake...get that roomate OUT OF YOUR marital home!!

 

huge mistake..huge...just get her out to start..and then go from there.

 

good luck...keep us posted, OK:)

[Auroracoladybug]

Thanks Dela...

No I never got counseling for the rape, we are in MC now but I think my H feels that we never should have had to go....

 

I really reavealed the rape to myself my talking about the 'affair' with my H...It was really hard...he says that he forgives me but still wonders why I made that excuse.

 

He left because he said he needed space and because he couldn't let me hurt him again and because he didn't know if he could forgive me again for the second...He says that he is not attracted to my roomate that they are friends but seems I am the only woman he has ever been with I wonder if he does second guess us because it is not puppy dog love anymore and he doesn't know what it would be like with another. I also think that because he wants us both to "hang out" with others and "see how we communicate"...and if we happen to find someone that we might be romantically interested in then we will talk...whatever there is no way in hell I plan on dating anyone, hang out with Jen, my dad, my sister yes.

 

"and how is it your roomate is still in your home after she admitted to flirting with YOUR H???

 

kick her OUT!!!!"

 

I have not kicked her out because she is not yet financially stable, I need the help with $, and I don't want to make her 4yo son go thru more than he already is...the sad thing is she was one of my best friends.

 

I have told J that I want to start anew and that things will never be the same as they were...he says that it will take time if he will come back...

 

I agree he needs IC but doubt he will do it so I am being as patient as I can, give him space, spend whatever time with him I can while he is around, encourage him that he can talk to me about it...etc...that is still the biggest sticking point besides our communication issues and lack there of.

 

I am 30 and J 32 so we married at 27 and 29.

 

I am going to make the most of what I can and figure it will be 2 more months until she is out.

[delajoonal]

aurora...

 

well, i guess at this point you are doing all you can do for everyone...but you?

 

but, i am in the same kinda situation...

 

my H married me at 25....he is now 39...and in MLC, thank goodness for this site, because another member referred me to the MLC site, and boy it has changed everyhthing for me..i now see so much clearer on why my H is doing what he is doing...now like the othe member said, the MLC site may not be for eveyone...but in my case IT SURE IS, and it has answered ALOT of questions, that my H could not answer for me...

 

my point, my H was only with one other woman before me...so that is tying in with the MLC at his age as well...and it sure sounds like from what you are describing other then the rape and affairs, that your H could quite possibly be in MLC???

 

AND those other issues were just a catalyst to get him there quicker???

 

anyway..i wish you luck...it does sound like you are a nice person and thinking of your roomates child is very selfless..and brave.

 

take care and good luck..please keep us posted and if you have a bad day, everyone is always here too...

 

maybe if the other member who has posted the MLC website sees THIS post, she can re-post the address for you? maybe you can find some answers there?

LS just does not allow for me to post other peoples UN and comments....so i am hoping she sees this.for you:)

[Auroracoladybug]

So...this last weekend I dropped my son off at my sisters on Friday night so J, my roomate, and I could go see Harry Potter...J picked the baby up Saturday at 10:30 and came by the house at 11am to "pick up more outfits", my house was busy with the roomate, her STBX husband, her son, and her friend and my son was cranky and hungry...so much for it being J's day to watch our son...I fed the baby and got him down for a nap while J went thru DVD's and we talked some. So our son stayed with J at the house he is staying at (roomates friend's house a block away)Saturday night, I worked on Sunday and when I was finally leaving work I called him and could hear our boy crying in the background...he responded "he is yours, he has been crying about everything all day" so I told him to walk the baby up to our house...when I got home it was obvious that J was upset and he even said "this makes me wonder if I am meant to be a father" I told him that he was a perfectly fine father that our son is hitting terrible 2's and a tooth is probably coming in...J revealed later that he felt like an imposition on the friends that he has stayed with but he can't just go get an apartment...so I told him later that he can move back home in the basement that I was not pushing for anything but that he would feel more comfortable... I also told my roomate last night that I want her to move out as soon as she is ready...If J is not there fine but I want that opportunity to have my marital home back with no others but my family...I love him so much and can put up with almost anything from him but damn is this a painful and unnerving process...I know that J is debating legal separation and not divorce for now...what does that mean for me though...I want my family.

[delajoonal]

aurora....

 

sounds like you had a crazy weekend..to say the least..so much commotion:(

at a time when you need to concentrate ON you and your son..

 

you did the RIGHT thing by asking your friend/roomate to move out ASAP...

i know you care for her childs wellbeing, BUT your child's FAMILY is at stake here..

so maybe had you been alone and H came by with your son, you could have sat down and talked a bit, not while rifling thru dvd's...

 

it does sound like your H is very cool headed..but each post it seems he is losing his patience with something???....

 

i am NOT sure THIS issue with your H is all about you or your child...it sounds like he is having some kind of selfish phase???

 

maybe one of the vets here on LS or one of the MEN, would know more..cause they are men, and they can tell you better where your H's head is at right now?

 

cause your H seems to be more worried about what his friends are feeling and thinking than how his own son is feeling...and all the crying, is prolly cause your son FELT all the tension from your H and his friends, and in turn, felt uncomfortable too..you know...babies are very intuitive and sensitive to their surroundings and other people, they just can't tell you...so they cry.

 

glad to hear that your H is only interested in Leg Sep at this point, and not D.

mine too...but my H is going on that IT is only because of money..leg sep is cheaper..definately NOT easier.

 

but i am getting the impression, just the past few days, that maybe my H is just not ready for Divoce either...that is another story for another post..lol

 

anyway, i hope you have a good week and keep us posted OK:)

take care..

[Auroracoladybug]

I am concerned about things too

 

"it does sound like your H is very cool headed..but each post it seems he is losing his patience with something???....

 

i am NOT sure THIS issue with your H is all about you or your child...it sounds like he is having some kind of selfish phase???"

 

I am just trying my damndest to do as advised and ignore him, be happy, better myself, and yet I am so concerned about him and want him home...

[Auroracoladybug]

He is still making vacation plans including my friend/roomate...I just want to make dedicated time for just the two of us...I want her out of my house but I need the help and so does she...I feel like if I kick her out J will be mad at me and defend that they are just friends and I am just a b@#@ and at the same time I want to prove to him that I trust him and respect him and even her...I am jelous that they are hiking together on Saturday, I am upset confused angry sad...He says that we never should have had to go to counseling...nobody I know has a perfect marriage...my parents were married 33 years and my mother had a long time fling with another man that my dad knew about and accepted (could I do that no!) I told him that counseling was just to help open the door to communication, I asked him not to give up on me (I aknowledged that he was trying before but I didn't get it yet, now I get it but I can't be the only one trying) I can only do what I can do and I don't know what all I should...last night he let me cuddle with him while we talked...then he asked if I wanted him, I said yes, then he asked why I wasn't attacking him then...??? So when he said we both wanted pleasure I said "no I want you and only you, do you want me or just pleasure?" He thought he was being funny and said something about it was only with me or other things because that is the only right way and I told him to go to the other things if it was not me he wanted...we ended up in the basement and when we headed off for bed (him to the other house) I asked him to think again about giving me that honest try to work on us...dedicated time for just the two of us, counseling with another counselor if needed, more intimacy and things done together...etc...I don't know what I am doing but I hope that things work out and he comes home...I am doing a lot of research on marriagebuilders and have looked at the 180...still reading and not sure what I think

[Auroracoladybug]

So here is where we are now...

 

Wednesday afternoon my ex boy friend came into town and we talked for an hour before I had to leave to go to my MC session with J. Counseling went well and things were good if just for a little bit. J and I went to have dinner and he was stuck on the idea of legal separation...I asked him what that would give him other than set child support and the etc...

 

Thursday I found a letter on my roommates computer to J basically saying that she had fallen in love with him and that she hoped that he didn't stay with me and stay miserable and something about something happend on a Thursday (June time)...I was supposed to go out with the ex and asked J to watch the baby (which felt like such a inconvenience) while he helped my roommate set up a budget for her expenses...I ended up crying when my ex came over for about a half hour to an hour and then I told him to just go. I went and got the baby and asked my roommate what was going on between her and J and she said just a friendship...I told her about the letter I found and asked her to come home to talk. She came over but asked J to come too because it involved him...once I got the baby to bed we talked...long story short I told them that I was very upset that she disrespected me and told J that she was to me his EA and that I felt betrayed...no i did not feel that anything physical happened we were all very tired and we ended the discussion about everything going on what stuck with me though was J's comment about his "responsibilities" that all he has is the car payment, credit card, and daycare...the house mortgage is my whole months income he makes nearly twice as much as me and that is where his baby lives

 

Friday my roommate and I spent most of the day together discussing what was going on and I voiced my preference that she and J did not spend time alone together. She said she understood and would respect that...later that evening J called to see about working on the bills/the roommates budget...when I sighed he asked what was wrong so I told him that I would prefer if they did not spend time alone together...he got mad and flew off the handle..."you don't control me" and I calmly replied that I wasn't trying to. The roommate came home soon after and I explained what was going on...she tried to text J and he called...she asked him to come over and he said he needed to calm down and would call back then...he called back to say he was leaving for the weekend (going to WA) and would not be back to watch the baby on Sun (while I work) he called back again to say he was going to meet his roommates on the border of OK instead...I decided then not to contact him again other than a text to say sorry you missunderstood me and be careful...

 

Saturday my roommate decided to take a hike by herself, I called a friend and vented about J going on the trip, talked to an aunt, went to the pool with my sister and her kids and the baby, and stewed all day on how upset I was...I kept texting my roommate to make sure she was okay and when I got home I got a message from J's phone that sounded odd...a short time later J called me on the roommates phone...apparently they had switched phones for his GPS...he was outside and asked if he could come in...he came in irate and said we needed to go somewhere to talk... I called my sister to get the baby...I started to say no because he was so angry and was talking about me lying about somethings (I never lied but seemed to get misunderstood a lot)...

 

we went to a sonic drive in so we could sit outside on the tables. when he came up to the table he immediately began raising his voice about how I was going to sit and listen...he started to say that I was lying and I instinctivly started to defend...when he accused me basically of doing something with my ex because I told him not to come to the house that night because it would be awkward...I tried to pass my cell phone to him to tell him to call him and ask... he threw my phone in the street...when I came back to the table he began to yell at me again...I told him that I did not have to put up with that...I should have said just to stop calm down and then we could talk...I got up and began to walk away

 

his response "with you doing that on Monday I will get divorce papers"...

 

I am emotionally a wreck, sick, and scared to death...no he is not the world's best father, no he is not the best communicator, he has his faults and yet he is the one I love. When do I stop blaming myself for so much?

 

I don't deserve this!

 

My father helped me get past most of my emotions and to go thru the bills, my roommate never came home, my best friend had to leave out of state for a family emergency, J is supposed to watch Cian and he has shut off his phone, I have to work tommorow, and I don't know what to do...I feel so alone

[tojaz]

Saturday my roommate decided to take a hike by herself, I called a friend and vented about J going on the trip, talked to an aunt, went to the pool with my sister and her kids and the baby, and stewed all day on how upset I was...I kept texting my roommate to make sure she was okay and when I got home I got a message from J's phone that sounded odd...a short time later J called me on the roommates phone...apparently they had switched phones for his GPS...he was outside and asked if he could come in...he came in irate and said we needed to go somewhere to talk... I called my sister to get the baby...I started to say no because he was so angry and was talking about me lying about somethings (I never lied but seemed to get misunderstood a lot)...

 

we went to a sonic drive in so we could sit outside on the tables. when he came up to the table he immediately began raising his voice about how I was going to sit and listen...he started to say that I was lying and I instinctivly started to defend...when he accused me basically of doing something with my ex because I told him not to come to the house that night because it would be awkward...I tried to pass my cell phone to him to tell him to call him and ask... he threw my phone in the street...when I came back to the table he began to yell at me again...I told him that I did not have to put up with that...I should have said just to stop calm down and then we could talk...I got up and began to walk away

 

his response "with you doing that on Monday I will get divorce papers"...

 

I am emotionally a wreck, sick, and scared to death...no he is not the world's best father, no he is not the best communicator, he has his faults and yet he is the one I love. When do I stop blaming myself for so much?

 

I don't deserve this!

My father helped me get past most of my emotions and to go thru the bills, my roommate never came home, my best friend had to leave out of state for a family emergency, J is supposed to watch Cian and he has shut off his phone, I have to work tommorow, and I don't know what to do...I feel so alone

 

Dela asked for a guys opinion, so here it is.

 

Your husband IS being very selfish right now, and almost definitely having an EA with the roommate. Possibly more by the red flags I've highlighted, but this could be innocent as you say, so tread lightly there. His behavior is unacceptable. To throw your phone in the street and shirk his responsibilites to his child. You have accepted quite a lot from him and it sounds like he has given you very little in return. Remember what you wrote above, YOU DON"T DESERVE THIS!!! If he wants to run, let him run and I would go NC for awhile and see what he does. He obviously isn't interested in anything constructive right now.

 

That being said, I would have to mention that regardless of what it is in your head, seeing my wife with her ex made me very uncomfortable and can see how he would jump to conclusions for you. In my case I was right. That does not justify his actions, but it is important to look at things from all angles as you go through this. Try and see his side as well.

 

Heres the MLC site Dela mentioned. Not positive it's whats going on for you, but more information is always good. http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/

TOJAZ

[Auroracoladybug]

Thanks TOJAZ...I like your old blue guy

 

Well...this morning J finally called at 9:10am to say that he was up (I had to be at work at 9:30)...it was a weird conversation

He said he was finally up and that I had asked him to call....yeah...do you know why?

answer from him "because its Sunday you have to go to work and I have to get the baby"...yeah...I was at my Sisters because I had the baby stay there overnight...I was way too emotional

 

J came over and picked him up, I barely even looked at him...I went to work and had a rough morning of it but was trying...I talked to my MIL and SisIL and told them all that was going on...my MIL decided to call my house and left a message about the "home wrecker"...apparently J was at the house and called her and told her FU...

 

Well he called me and asked where I wanted the baby..."I am done!" I told him that I understood and that he was done with everything...he asked again where I wanted the baby (I finally understood that he wanted to drop him off) and I told him if he was that angry that he could take the baby wherever and just let me know where to pick him up...I was so upset by this time that I told my asst mgr that I was leaving. I text J that I would be home in 15min. He called me and I repeated the message and he said "don't you f-ing leave work" I asked why and he said he was bringing the baby to me...I rushed outside and put my stuff in my car in time for him to pull up. I opened his pasenger door he said "L don't!" I asked "what are we going to do about daycare and the bills" and his response was "as far as I am concerned that is your problem"...I got the baby out of the backseat and told him to say I love you to daddy and broke down apologizing to him (the baby) that he was in the middle of all of this...J took off and I just held my little boy and cried. Two of my co-workers came over to help me and reassure me that I don't deserve this...shortly before leaving I got a call from J that the baby was given Motrin because he was running a fever and had not eaten lunch...

 

when I came down the street I saw my roommate driving off...I called my father and headed over to his house...

 

I got multiple texts

"It didn't have to come to this if both (me and MIL) of you would have told the whole story instead of the half ass bull**** that is always going on."

 

"I thought I would have the common decency to tell you two (me and the MIL) the home wrecker of a roommate is no longer at the house. L you MUST tell everything of the story"

 

J tried calling multiple times and I would not talk to him (he even tried calling my father at his house, his cell, and my Uncle who lives with my dad too)

 

"Quite honestly know (sp) you have no choice but to deal with me"

 

when I didn't respond for a while I got "So I'm to assume you will not ever talk to me again" "If that is the case I want the baby ever other weekend (fri, sat, sun) over night along with 2 weeks during the summer. Or I will sign over parental rights.Cont.

 

I responded "the baby is running a fever I am dealing with that...we will talk but not tonight"

his response "I know he is running a fever. Daycare tomorrow? And how are we going to pick him up from now on" he called again and I told him no the baby would not be going to daycare that he has to go to the doctors, I was not talking to him tonight. He commented about "you know the reason for this" I told him there were many reasons but I was not going to hash them out...(he tried to tell me "I am not angry right now" but I still insisted that not tonight) and that yes I still wanted to be friends and we will talk tomorrow.

 

I got the baby into the house and he tried again to say it had to be tonight and I told him no..."L it has to be tonight I need to know what we are going to set up". I asked him to please e-mail me his wishes (he was not happy about that and wanted it to be in person) I explained that with it in writing I could not get confused and I could not forget...

 

The next text...

Ok I won't confuse anything and I can stop by for a little while. But only if you feel like talking

 

He called one more time and I told him that I needed to get the baby into a shower and some tylenol or something and get him down...that I would talk to him tomorrow, I loved him, and good night...

 

I don't know who this person is anymore!

 

My roommate has removed all of her belongings...I have a load of bills, a divorce on the way, and a sick baby...LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW!!!!

 

My Uncle came over to spend the night in case J shows up unexpectedly and we changed the locks...I hate all of this!

 

who would have ever thought that the person you wanted to have a family with, grow old with, and take care of no matter what would treat you so mean?

[tojaz]

Thanks TOJAZ...I like your old blue guy ...LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW!!!!

 

who would have ever thought that the person you wanted to have a family with, grow old with, and take care of no matter what would treat you so mean?

 

 

Thanks LADYBUG, I changed it because this one better depicted my mood when the divorce went final, I'll probably change it to something else when something jumps out at me, I'm open to suggestions.

 

LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW!!!! You are so right, but remember the RIGHT NOW! I cannot believe how selfish he is being. I really don't understand the behavior, but I recognize it. This is how my wife treats me.

 

I know it's hard, but for your own good, you need to limit contact with him as much as possible. He is trying to make this difficult. Using your child as a pawn in his game calling up saying "I'm done where do you want him" this is the mans child! You shouldn't stop him from seeing the baby, but cut off all unnecessary contact with him, save yourself the pain and don't give him the opportunity to shoot any more of his barbs at you.

 

I've been saying this a lot lately, but your husband has left the building. That is the healthiest way to look at it. You are not dealing with J any more, yourr dealing with someone else. Ask yourself, the man you are being shown, the man who dumps your child at your work and says the things he says, would you want to be with him? Would you have anything to do with him if he didn't carry a striking resemblence to your husband? When you look at it that way, NC/LC becomes a lot easier, and NC/LC makes these situations a lot easier.

 

He is legally responsible to help with the bills, and I'm sure he knows that, so don't listen to his crap about that, make sure he covers his share and takes responsibility for his child. He needs to start acting like a man instead of a child throwing a tantrum. I wouldn't even communicate with him at all until he does.

 

He said, "you know the reason for this" do you?

 

I know you need more, but thats all I have for now, I'll give it some thought and post some more. You said it best, YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!

TOJAZ

[Auroracoladybug]

I quess I truly don't know his reasons...I sent him a letter and explained that I wanted little verbal contact but to write me what he wants/needs...I will try to contact a lawyer today...no I don't want to be with the man his is now...He is verbally abusing me.

[tojaz]

I don't know that it's time for lawyers just yet. Unless thats what you truly think is best. Just want you to protect yourself from his abuse. If he is the one that wants to step out, let him do the dirty work rather then be able to tell everyone that you divorced him. It will cost you less if you let him file anyways, and sounds like you could stand to save some $$$!

TOJAZ