Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 10, 2009 Author Share Posted August 10, 2009 Well...Happy Anniversary to me :'( ...wants to do mediation...I don't know about any of this...I don't want to divorce I still want to work all of this out...I am basically in NC with him and desperatly looking for help to make bills and stuff...I closed his cable/internet and home phone account to open my own at the least cost...oops It closed his WOW account and his e-mail...now I figured out that he is on the deed to the house (shouldn't he have to pay half the bills?) just not on the mortgage payment...I am scared as hell...I feel like I find the epiphany that I want it, he doesn't, and things are fine and then knowing I still want to work it out and care so much about him just pulls me back...I am going to a clinic about divorce, we still have MC...I want to get thru all this and we will be so much better if we make it thru...why can't he see or care that I love him so much I wouldn't hurt him! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 The leavers are in a very selfish state of mind, they will never see the good points of you, because it dosen't justify his own actions. He will rewrite the history of your time together in order to make you the bad guy. In his mind and in his telling it will all be your fault. You say you are still in MC, how is he there, cooperative or closed off? Does he seem to truly be making an effort? As for the bills, since he left, hes not responsible for the utilites etc.but he should have to pick up half the mortgage. He will ask for half the house in the D right? thats the law here anyways, but it can't be enforced until lawyers are involved. Hang in there Ladybug TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 I see where he is rewriting everything for his own means...yes according to him everything is my fault (I walked away, I talked to someone, I didn't agree, I didn't understand) even though its all crap... funny haha...J pulled over his car to send a text message after dropping off some papers at my dad's house and a cop came up behind him because supposidly someone called about a suspicious white car (supposidly giving an exact description of his 08 G6GT) and J asked the officer who called it in and the officer said my fathers name (its my dad's car too! he helped finance the damn thing)...BS the officer would not say who made the call and if my father was thretened he would have approached him personally (retired SF does not back down) We haven't had MC since the day before the discovery of the letter...I don't know if he will go but I am pretty sure he is completely done...seems his is being irrational and paranoid...sometimes I seem to hear the old him and it hurts when I talk to him and he is like that...then he puts out that it is all my fault and he didn't do anything...I hate this roller coaster As for the bills I think he should be responsible for half of the utilities until he moved out... As far as the house goes he says he doesn't want it, his name is on the deed but not the mortgage...I don't know about all of this and I need a lawyer...trying to get all the advice and information I can at this point and I know that this will probably get worse before it gets better because anything I want will not be what he wants...ie spousal support, child support, custody...and he says he wants to do pro se and mediation Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 I see where he is rewriting everything for his own means...yes according to him everything is my fault (I walked away, I talked to someone, I didn't agree, I didn't understand) even though its all crap... funny haha...J pulled over his car to send a text message after dropping off some papers at my dad's house and a cop came up behind him because supposidly someone called about a suspicious white car (supposidly giving an exact description of his 08 G6GT) and J asked the officer who called it in and the officer said my fathers name (its my dad's car too! he helped finance the damn thing)...BS the officer would not say who made the call and if my father was thretened he would have approached him personally (retired SF does not back down) We haven't had MC since the day before the discovery of the letter...I don't know if he will go but I am pretty sure he is completely done...seems his is being irrational and paranoid...sometimes I seem to hear the old him and it hurts when I talk to him and he is like that...then he puts out that it is all my fault and he didn't do anything...I hate this roller coaster As for the bills I think he should be responsible for half of the utilities until he moved out... As far as the house goes he says he doesn't want it, his name is on the deed but not the mortgage...I don't know about all of this and I need a lawyer...trying to get all the advice and information I can at this point and I know that this will probably get worse before it gets better because anything I want will not be what he wants...ie spousal support, child support, custody...and he says he wants to do pro se and mediation I agree he should be responsible for all the utilites and such up until he moved out as well, but he is being unreasonable and this cannot be enforced until lawyers are involved and an official date of seperation has been recorded. Your probably on your own. The house unfortunately, if he is on the deed, then he is entitled to half of whatever equity you have in the home, so be prepared. I would definitely get a consultation with a lawyer so you know what your rights are. Sorry, but I doubt he will show for MC. I hope for you that he does, but that is how mine played out, she avoided anything that might have changed her mind,, believed that anyone who might have a different view was against her, even an impartial counsellor. That is what he is doing to you. The best advice I can give you for dealing with him is that you seem to have an understanding of what he thinks of you and feels your guilty of. Don't do anything that may reenforce those delusions regardless how subtle. He will use it against you. Keep with the NC and eventualy he will have to face the truth of what he has done. Sadly that will probably be too late to save your M. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 Thanks TOJAZ...definitely on the edge to find a lawyer as well as MC tomorrow...you know I could let it all go if I didn't love J and if I didn't have so much to worry about with the baby...I figure that mediation is not a choice right now until I speak with a lawyer about what I can ask of him and what he is responsible for regarding the baby...I still want my family and I still love J but if he doesn't want me and the baby then I have to move on (unfortunately that breaks my heart)...I am scared of being a single mother, of not finding someone, of making mistakes...all the usual for everyone I am sure but WTF! All of this because I was honest and forthcoming about my past before I married him...I want to curl up in a ball and fall apart for a little while and unfortunately I can't...I am sure I am not the first to feel this way...why can't he wake up and come home? Things could be so much better than they have ever been after going thru this... By the way I think you and Gunny are my favorites to read Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 12, 2009 Author Share Posted August 12, 2009 So...I have maintained a limited contact with J...I know part of it is that I don't want to face the D papers...We have counseling tonight for the first time since the last fight that was all on J...I love him so much but my son does not deserve this...all he thinks he needs to contribute is for daycare and the rest is on me...I want so badly just to lie low and wait for him to come home...if that doesn't happen it only hurts me and the baby...I want my family and husband back...I am scared about filing for the child support and stuff that it will push him farther away because I didn't tell him that I was filing or whatever other excuse he can get upset with me about...ITS NOT ABOUT YOU ITS ABOUT THE BABY!!!Will he ever realize how much I love him? Is there any chance if D papers are not filed that we can work out??? Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 there's a chance you can work it out with or without D papers, i think. however, if he's offering no support for his own child, i'd be sure and include child support in there as well. just my opinion, but, if he sees how much money he's facing he may come out of the fog and get to work on saving his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 12, 2009 Author Share Posted August 12, 2009 I don't know what to do at counseling tonight...do I bring the letter from the roommate...do I just ask him straight what he wants and give it to him...I am so scared and mad at the same time ... the baby comes first! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Thanks TOJAZ...definitely on the edge to find a lawyer as well as MC tomorrow...you know I could let it all go if I didn't love J and if I didn't have so much to worry about with the baby...I figure that mediation is not a choice right now until I speak with a lawyer about what I can ask of him and what he is responsible for regarding the baby...I still want my family and I still love J but if he doesn't want me and the baby then I have to move on (unfortunately that breaks my heart)...I am scared of being a single mother, of not finding someone, of making mistakes...all the usual for everyone I am sure but WTF! All of this because I was honest and forthcoming about my past before I married him...I want to curl up in a ball and fall apart for a little while and unfortunately I can't...I am sure I am not the first to feel this way...why can't he wake up and come home? Things could be so much better than they have ever been after going thru this... By the way I think you and Gunny are my favorites to read We really need a Blushing smilie. Thank you for saying that Ladybug. It's been a bad day today and that helped a lot. I hope I can do it justice. Talking to a lawyer and knbowing your rights dosen't commit you to anything. An initial consultation is fairly inexpensive, and worth the info you'll get. It's to protect you and the baby remember that, because he isn't. I know you love him, you wouldn't be here looking for advice if you didn't. I highlighted above what you need to keep telling yourself. Nobody knows how it will end. Just keep moving forward without him and hopefully he'll try and catch up, but if not, at least you kept moving! Don't look for reasons for what he's doing. Thats the quickst way to flamout in going through this (I speak from experience:o). I heard every accusation in the book of how terrible it was being married to me. I got the final Divorce decree a couple of days ago. When I called her, she said none of it ever happened! WTF!!!! The point is, there may be no reasons for you to find, it could be all in his head. You may never know and might destroy yourself looking. I love the last line of that post. It's so true. I've said that to my wife....err, exwife many times. unfortunately she wasn't willing to stick around and benefit from this learning experience. I don't know what to do at counseling tonight...do I bring the letter from the roommate...do I just ask him straight what he wants and give it to him...I am so scared and mad at the same time ... the baby comes first! I hope he showed up. I missed you I'm sure, but let me know what happened. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 Well last night went much like I figured...I told the counselor exactly how things happened on that wed-sun and J said I mentioned my ex being in town on Tues night...WTF I know what happened and it is even posted here...he said I just wanted to create more drama! I know that in my mind I wanted to prove to him he is/was having an emotional affair with my bf/roommate... he thinks that I e-mailed the letter to my MIL and SIL to cause drama and now he is being accused of sleeping with the roommate...to freakn bad...like I want more drama in my life? hell no! 2 YEAR OLD PLAYING WITH THE CAPS LOCK AND WONT LET ME TURN IT OFF... SO ANYWAY NOW HE WON'T GO BACK TO COUNSELING I am going to continue just for me...I have to get papers put in for child support and maintenance and I hate that it will look like I am giving up on us but my dad can't support us and I can't by myself. I need to find roommates because in the economy I can't sell the house for what I owe...joys of trying to build a dream and having it cut off at the ankles... well gotta go... TOJAZ I hope you have a better day...thanks for the support Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Well last night went much like I figured...I told the counselor exactly how things happened on that wed-sun and J said I mentioned my ex being in town on Tues night...WTF I know what happened and it is even posted here...he said I just wanted to create more drama! I know that in my mind I wanted to prove to him he is/was having an emotional affair with my bf/roommate... he thinks that I e-mailed the letter to my MIL and SIL to cause drama and now he is being accused of sleeping with the roommate...to freakn bad...like I want more drama in my life? hell no! 2 YEAR OLD PLAYING WITH THE CAPS LOCK AND WONT LET ME TURN IT OFF... SO ANYWAY NOW HE WON'T GO BACK TO COUNSELING I am going to continue just for me...I have to get papers put in for child support and maintenance and I hate that it will look like I am giving up on us but my dad can't support us and I can't by myself. I need to find roommates because in the economy I can't sell the house for what I owe...joys of trying to build a dream and having it cut off at the ankles... well gotta go... TOJAZ I hope you have a better day...thanks for the support Thanks Ladybug! It wasn't, but it still meas alot to me. Continuing just for you is the best thing you can do right now. IC will help a lot with coping with all of this. Filing papers isn't giving up. It is the line in the sand, he decides what happens after that. You need to look after the well being of yourself and your child. Thats all your doing there. I'm sorry he backed out of MC. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 So Tojaz said I needed to give an update... I think all communication between J and I has crumbled...this last Saturday I was on my facebook and a friend of mine sent a message along the lines of "hello fellow divorcee"...I didn't realize that her post was not just to me and I posted on my wall "I don't want the divorce...I love him" and Jason went off on me for airing dirty laundry and that a public forum was innappropriate...etc and said to one of the girls that it was because of things like this that it cannot and won't work out...and he thinks I am making drama? wtf all I did was post how I felt... J came over at 7:45 to pick up the baby on this last Sunday morning (he called at 9:20 the night before and he is not supposed to call after 9) and only got there then because I called him 10min before because he was supposed to be there...he was on the phone with work until 4am ( thought to self at the time, I DON'T CARE IT IS YOUR TIME WITH YOUR SON!!!) When I recieved all of the notices of the conversation on facebook when I got to work I text J and said we need to talk. Well on the way home I talked to him and he got mad again about this all started a long time ago and had nothing to do with him leaning on my bf/roommate...I asked him to please watch the baby for a little longer because he was suffering from pink eye and I needed to change all of the sheets, J asked if I wanted help and I said no but I could use some help with the bills (to that he got mad again "all I am is a paycheck to you")...that was at 4:00pm and my dad showed up at my house just as I did to go over the bills. J called twice once to see if I was ready for the baby and I asked for another 20min (he wasn't happy with that of course) when he called the second time I told him to just bring the baby home. He accidentally hit the baby's head on the door jamb of his car and came in with a box of diapers...I said "okay I guess I'll see you later" and he stormed out...No kisses or good byes for his son...then called 10min later saying "I thought you wanted to talk" I responded not right now that yes we need to talk but dad was over to help with the bills. Then J asked about trading the wireless router (he has been pushing this for a while) I asked him why again and he said "fine then pay me the $200 I paid for it" that pissed my dad off and when J said well my work credit card paid for it my dad smart mouthed to him "so it belongs to work?" J responded shortly "no I paid it off"...well instead of going on about all the details basically I got a text that said he was obviously just a paycheck to him and that he would finish paying back my dad what he owes him and then let the courts decide what he has to pay me...he even said on the phone while my dad was there that once he took care of his needs then he would help if he could. Monday I let him come over and switch the router out...I asked him "do you have any feelings for me anymore?" and his response "I care in so much that you are the babys mother"...well fu2 and when are you going to do something for your son! My sister was mad at me for giving in and not holding him more responsible to pick the baby up from daycare each day or whatever if we are going to talk... J says that I took so many choices away from him but I don't see him volunteering for anything more than what is. He threatens me that the courts will force me to give him so many days of overnights (at least 150) and that he will only be forced to give me $100 a month for child support because his overtime doesn't count and they will not force him to help with maintence...also he said that we can't see a mediator until I sign papers and I know better... I am looking for roommates because I don't want to lose my house...I have posted in more places for roommates and have moved my wedding band to my right hand and put a simple plain band on my wedding finger...I will honor my vows until the divorce is final but then my ring is getting fixed up and put in the safe until my son is old enough to get it. I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS ANYMORE AND IT BREAKS MY HEART BECAUSE I AM SCARED HE WILL ALWAYS BE MISERABLE UNTIL HE SOLVES HIS ISSUES! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Ladybug, I know you love him, but this guy is a real piece of work. It sounds to me like hes doing everything he can to provoke a fight. Calling after nine, throwing a fit about the router or keeping his own son a few extra minutes. How selfish can you be to shortchange time with your own son!!!! Don't let him do that to you, if he's looking for a fight, just tell him you'll call him another time. You don't need to put yourself through all that. If he has responsibilities relating to your son or your finances, make sure he takes care of them. He made his bed, it's time for him to act like a man and take care of his own business! I don't know if you have done this yet, but speak to a lawyer and find out your rights in this. He has made it very clear how he's going to play this. You need to protect your self. I'm glad to see oyu bouncing around the board. I think that is what helped me the most when I was where your at, just knowing there are others out there that understand helps alot. give a shout, i'm always here. LOL!! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Thanks Tojaz I am so flaberghasted (sp?) about him doing this to his own son. I am going to have to file without the lawyer for now but I am still looking in to it. I am so saddened that it came to this. I know that he is provoking fights to make himself right about me. The other day I looked at the original e-mail about how unhappy he was...and as far as he is concerned there was no EA and all of the problems he has were all along...I know I deserve better and so does our son...he may never grow up but I can not fix that...I guess time to regroup for me and I will never make this mistake again... I want a man who cherishes me, my son, and wants to be there for us. I want someone who wants to do things like go to the pool or play in the park...and cuddle (J hated to just cuddle)...so many small things...I had to beg to get the camera for pictures of the baby and me together...I just keep reminding myself of the things that shouldn't have been a fight...help doing yard work, hell I shoveled the sidewalks and driveway from the blizzards here when I was pregnant and after the baby was here it took arguing to get him to understand that I didn't want to be the only one to wake with the baby...I wanted company...who had the communication problems? I think he bears the brunt of that problem...obviously I like to talk Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Thanks Tojaz I am so flaberghasted (sp?) about him doing this to his own son. I am going to have to file without the lawyer for now but I am still looking in to it. I am so saddened that it came to this. I know that he is provoking fights to make himself right about me. The other day I looked at the original e-mail about how unhappy he was...and as far as he is concerned there was no EA and all of the problems he has were all along...I know I deserve better and so does our son...he may never grow up but I can not fix that...I guess time to regroup for me and I will never make this mistake again... I want a man who cherishes me, my son, and wants to be there for us. I want someone who wants to do things like go to the pool or play in the park...and cuddle (J hated to just cuddle)...so many small things...I had to beg to get the camera for pictures of the baby and me together...I just keep reminding myself of the things that shouldn't have been a fight...help doing yard work, hell I shoveled the sidewalks and driveway from the blizzards here when I was pregnant and after the baby was here it took arguing to get him to understand that I didn't want to be the only one to wake with the baby...I wanted company...who had the communication problems? I think he bears the brunt of that problem...obviously I like to talk Ladybug You have such a clear way of looking at things. if you go back and read your first post, you'll see you've come a long way! I would still urge you to beg borrow or steal the money to see a lawyer at least a consultation, to see what your rights are and what your entitled too. Don't let him take advantage. Remember, he's never going to admit to any wrong doing, in his mind, he's got all the answers and nothing you say can make him see what a selfish a$$ he's being. I still can't believe he treated his own son like that. It sounds like you gave a lot more then he did to your marriage. Like he was never able to commit fully. Am I way off here? There are good men out there Ladybug, I like to believe i'm one of them. Now that you know what you need and deserve, never settle for anything less! TOJAZ P.S. I never thought about the police stickers. LOL thanks for the comment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 I believe you are one of the good men too and you should never settle either! One of the things I hate is my father is thinking of cashing in one of his life insurance policies for a lawyer for me...he is one of the good men too... I don't want to go back and read the first post partially because I am afraid to backslide I am glad to have people like all of you...I think J will always be a selfish a$$ unfortunately and a part of me will always love him...but my son is my son thru and thru torture to J for the rest of his life! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 I believe you are one of the good men too and you should never settle either! One of the things I hate is my father is thinking of cashing in one of his life insurance policies for a lawyer for me...he is one of the good men too... I don't want to go back and read the first post partially because I am afraid to backslide I am glad to have people like all of you...I think J will always be a selfish a$$ unfortunately and a part of me will always love him...but my son is my son thru and thru torture to J for the rest of his life! Thanks for that ladybug, it means a lot. I don't plan to settle, I've developed a very clear picture of what i want in my life, LS has helped to show me the kind of women that are out there. Sounds like your dad is one of the good ones for sure. An initial consultation was all I needed to get all the facts i needed. It was $400 everything else went through her lawyer. Let him file!!! You can even include your legal fees in the settlement. I understand not wanting to backslide, been there done that. Take my word for it, you've come a long way baby. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Unfortunatly I can't wait for him I need support now and my dad is on SS and his military retirement... funny haha...so J called at 9:05 about this weekend and I pushed him off till Friday probably...then my son was playing with my cell and called him back...unfortunately he was crying for dada when I hung up (hope it affected J)...1 min later and the baby is fine (guess he knows what buttons to push literally ) Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Unfortunatly I can't wait for him I need support now and my dad is on SS and his military retirement... funny haha...so J called at 9:05 about this weekend and I pushed him off till Friday probably...then my son was playing with my cell and called him back...unfortunately he was crying for dada when I hung up (hope it affected J)...1 min later and the baby is fine (guess he knows what buttons to push literally ) I see, well then you definitely need a lawyer, because i guarantee he will get one to fight any support you ask for. Sounds like a smart kid! I love it!! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Hi Ladybug I'm sure someone on here mentionned you can get legal aid if you cannot afford a lawyer in the US? Goggle it, check it out, you can get it in the UK, there must be soemthing availble there, a charity or something? You need to make sure you and your son are taken care of, I mean, it's your job right? Your raising his son, he has a responsibility to uphold here. Same if it's a man doing the raising. Find out your rights and get a lawyer who will make d**m sure you are not s*****d over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Thanks Lisa...the encouragement helps...I have tried contacting legal aid and no responses, I make too much for help so it looks like my dad may end up cashing out a life insurance policy (god that hurts me) and then I can retain a lawyer. He is so selfish and yet the old him was so not selfish and that is why I had a child with him...hey atleast I have a beautiful child (god help me when he becomes a teenager)...hell I have a friend from Ghana (really dark and black) that is so livid with J that he would support me and the baby any way he could and he has no romantic interest in me lol...he is one hell of a friend but too bad he is in his final year of school in Wisconsin...the baby comes first and foremost always like tojaz said this guy is a piece of work...last night when he called he was on speakerphone and told me to tell the baby he loves him...didn't ask to talk to him or say it to him himself...tells me his focus is so messed up (I saw so much in him that is no longer there...its just gone) ie the man who wanted to build a family and have a house and not move every two years like he did as a kid...he so needs to grow up...I bet he is still playing WOW over spending time with his son...he doesn't take him to dinner during the week, take him to the park, nothing and I cherish those experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 like tojaz said this guy is a piece of work...last night when he called he was on speakerphone and told me to tell the baby he loves him...didn't ask to talk to him or say it to him himself...tells me his focus is so messed up (I saw so much in him that is no longer there...its just gone) ie the man who wanted to build a family and have a house and not move every two years like he did as a kid...he so needs to grow up...I bet he is still playing WOW over spending time with his son...he doesn't take him to dinner during the week, take him to the park, nothing and I cherish those experiences. my wife had NEVER taken our little girl to the park by herself before all of this. now, she takes her at least once a week. i take her 2 sometimes 3 times, every week, since she was 2 months old. hell, our backyard is a park pretty much. god, i'm so pissed off today. sorry for threadjacking and making it about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Mr...no offense for me at all...I am glad she has done that for your little girl...don't give it up she will most likely will let it pass over time...hey I am proud of you daddy! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Hi Ladybug, I really need to catch up on your thread. Not sure if yo got my message on someone elses thread, you said you wanted to see peoples pics, so I added you to my contacts. Try not to feel bad about accepting your Dads help, you would do them same for your child right? He wants to help you and hopefully someday when you are through all this, you will be able to say thank you, maybe take him on a fantastic vaction or something in the future?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Thanks Lisa LOL...someday you will be able to see me too! you know years ago I got my dad a zippo and it says My Hero My Daddy...he has never let me down... Link to post Share on other sites
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