tojaz Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Oh pretty flowers Tojaz! I wish none of this ever happened you know? I wish I would have respected myself more and seen what I had with J and not hurt him 6 years ago. I wish that he would have spoke up more about what he wanted and we would have gotten a house we could afford. I wish that I would have been successful in explaining what I wanted and needed and not seem to just be nagging. I wish J would be mature enough to accept his responsibilities and get off the damn games... I think you are right my baby will put the pieces together on his own. A lot of my fear comes from the fact that I have never experienced divorce in my family...my parents were married 33 years when my mom passed away...I pray that his father will treat him well and I know I will and this will not run my life. I just keep getting in these ruts about holidays coming up (and J never really seemed into them so why should I give them to him? the devil on my sholder says), trying to find a roommate, trying to move on and yet wanting to still love him so much, and mostly feeling so alone. I know that there are so many here on the boards that feel/felt the way that I do. I am so nervous about meeting with the lawyer and affording any advice... I need to break down and have a really good cry...I tend to bottle too much in and then it backfires Thanks for the compliment on the flowers. I took the photo myself. I have a dear friend that loves tulips. I took it for her. You need to quit wishing. People always look back and wish they had done something differently, better, more some how. Hindsight is 20/20 but it's only that way so you can learn from it, not so you can dwell on shoulda coulda. The choices you made in the past just as the choices you make now, make you who you are. If you made mistakes, learn from them, but remember who started all this. The rollercoaster will keep rolling on, you'll dip into a rut and then swing out of it. I'm afraid it lasts for quite awhile. Just let it come, cry whan your down, but find time to laugh when your up. Advicee on the lawyer, take as much information with you as you can. Mortgage, bills, etc. The more numbers you have for them, the fewer visits you have to make=less$$$ TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks for the chin up Tojaz...yeah I am definitely taking all the bills and stuff...I need help now...my cell phone bill for next month is $250 because of overages on texts and minutes...what the hell Kick me while I am down day yesterday... Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Hi Aurora, Finally caught up on your thread. You have made lots of progress in a month. The optimist in you definitely shines through! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 My mom always called me her sunshine and I married a pessimist to balance me out I have had to make so much progress for my son...I am scared to lose my house but I know that I have pleanty of support from my family even my in-laws...my SIL tells me to screw him LOL it always makes me feel better to talk to her...she will always be my little sis... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks for the chin up Tojaz...yeah I am definitely taking all the bills and stuff...I need help now...my cell phone bill for next month is $250 because of overages on texts and minutes...what the hell Kick me while I am down day yesterday... In the scheme of all the things your dealing with, a couple of bills are small potatos. I had all those fears, am I going to lose my house etc. it's definitely life changing, and I'm not as comfortable as i once was, but I made it work, so will you. You just find yourself doing it. so wrapped up in the emotional side of things the rest is on autopilot and worked it's way through. While your gathering bills for the lawyer, look for ways to cut out things you don't need. you'll be amazed at how much is ther. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 I went yesterday to meet a lawyer for a free consultation. The lawyer served J that afternoon. I got a text message from him that he got the papers and some of the dates were wrong. I called later to tell him the new home phone number and I told him that I still don't want this..."that is not what your actions convey and now your lawyer wants me to pay all of the court costs and filing fees"...what else was I supposed to do??? I tried telling him that the lawyer seeking the fees is normal and then he asked if he gets the baby Friday night and I said that I didn't know what time I would be done with my dad (he jumped on that and said well then have your father watch him), I said why I know we should be home in time ...J just thinks that I am trying to screw him...Its been a month that all he has given me is a box of diapers...I just wanted help, I could have stayed separated for a long time if I would have had that. As far as J is concerned is all I ever wanted him for was a paycheck... Tonight I called J and asked him if he wanted to get the baby a little early...he needed a shower from being out at an RC airshow...J said he was filling out paper work...I said okay then he explained that he has to get all of this stuff together for my lawyer and that why don't I have my dad watch the baby...I pointed out that I have stuff to get together too and that he had all day today but fine I would ask my dad. The baby and I took a shower and when we got out J called back and said "let me finish dinner and I will come get him", I told him that I had already asked my dad to watch him but fine...then he made some comment about "we need to talk because I don't think I will be living with my roommates much longer" I told him that it was not my decision and made sure my dad stayed here (he had gone to the store for me to get milk because I was out) when J came and got the baby so we didn't have that talk. I know that he saw the playsets from my new roommates moving in (a family mom, dad, and 3 yr old, they aren't paying much but we are helping eachother)...J didn't say anything... I still love him, I am not trying to screw him, and all I want is what is best for the baby...that is why I hired the lawyer (thanks to my dad and I hate having to lean on him) Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 I went yesterday to meet a lawyer for a free consultation. The lawyer served J that afternoon. I got a text message from him that he got the papers and some of the dates were wrong. I called later to tell him the new home phone number and I told him that I still don't want this..."that is not what your actions convey and now your lawyer wants me to pay all of the court costs and filing fees"...what else was I supposed to do??? I tried telling him that the lawyer seeking the fees is normal and then he asked if he gets the baby Friday night and I said that I didn't know what time I would be done with my dad (he jumped on that and said well then have your father watch him), I said why I know we should be home in time ...J just thinks that I am trying to screw him...Its been a month that all he has given me is a box of diapers...I just wanted help, I could have stayed separated for a long time if I would have had that. As far as J is concerned is all I ever wanted him for was a paycheck... Tonight I called J and asked him if he wanted to get the baby a little early...he needed a shower from being out at an RC airshow...J said he was filling out paper work...I said okay then he explained that he has to get all of this stuff together for my lawyer and that why don't I have my dad watch the baby...I pointed out that I have stuff to get together too and that he had all day today but fine I would ask my dad. The baby and I took a shower and when we got out J called back and said "let me finish dinner and I will come get him", I told him that I had already asked my dad to watch him but fine...then he made some comment about "we need to talk because I don't think I will be living with my roommates much longer" I told him that it was not my decision and made sure my dad stayed here (he had gone to the store for me to get milk because I was out) when J came and got the baby so we didn't have that talk. I know that he saw the playsets from my new roommates moving in (a family mom, dad, and 3 yr old, they aren't paying much but we are helping eachother)...J didn't say anything... I still love him, I am not trying to screw him, and all I want is what is best for the baby...that is why I hired the lawyer (thanks to my dad and I hate having to lean on him) Ladybug, J is going to say or do anything he can to make you look like the guilty party in this. He says he's just a paycheck, that your trying to screw him! Look at how he treated coming to see the baby for example. He asked you to have your father watch him, if yolu had refused and told him it was his responsibility, he would have been angry and thrown a fit. Later he decides he wants the kid after you had made arrangements, if you had said no, then you'd be preventing him from seeing his child! He tried to set you up! You played it exactly right though. Just keep doing what your doing, tell him you don't want the D but your hand was forced. That keeps all the responsibility right where it belongs. ON HIM! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks Tojaz, I needed the reminder that it is a mental game for him so he is not guilty...I know that I have to quit worrying about the future and worry about today. I had such a good time with my dad and my baby boy was such a good sport the whole day...good memories to keep in my mind. I asked my dad on the way home if he ever suspected that this would happen and he said yes...I am such a fun loving outgoing person and he was a recluse...I would have done anything for him and I have even told him I still love him, I always will... Thanks again for telling me that I did the right thing last night... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks Tojaz, I needed the reminder that it is a mental game for him so he is not guilty...I know that I have to quit worrying about the future and worry about today. I had such a good time with my dad and my baby boy was such a good sport the whole day...good memories to keep in my mind. I asked my dad on the way home if he ever suspected that this would happen and he said yes...I am such a fun loving outgoing person and he was a recluse...I would have done anything for him and I have even told him I still love him, I always will... Thanks again for telling me that I did the right thing last night... No thanks required Ladybug. I wish I had someone to point all these things out when I first started going through this, it wasn't until later that I found LS. I learned a lot from this book http://www.amazon.com/Uncoupling-Turning-Points-Intimate-Relationships/dp/0679730028 it deals a lot with hte games and how the mind works on both sides of the break up. A very good read if your interested. Learning is about the best thing you can do right now. learn about relationships and learn about yourself! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Hey Aurora. I think having a family move in will be good for you. You'll have some company when you feel like it. I find having people around, even if you aren't speaking to them, to be comforting sometimes. The book Tojaz suggested is "Uncoupling". Gunny has also recommended it. I find it very accurate but very harsh. In fact, I still can't bring myself to read the first few chapters, where the author describes how the dumper starts to pull away from the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 I think that I will forego the books for now...bad enough that I can't concentrate on the things I need to...I will just leave things be for now and hope that peace can continue...who knows what the future will bring...maybe even a more mature J? Internal conflict about loving a person so much that has hurt you so badly... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Hey Aurora. I think having a family move in will be good for you. You'll have some company when you feel like it. I find having people around, even if you aren't speaking to them, to be comforting sometimes. The book Tojaz suggested is "Uncoupling". Gunny has also recommended it. I find it very accurate but very harsh. In fact, I still can't bring myself to read the first few chapters, where the author describes how the dumper starts to pull away from the relationship. It is very blunt and clinical. For me, believing that it had all happened like turning offa switch, I found a small amount of comfort knowing that there was a process she went through as well.....a very small amount of comfort! I think that I will forego the books for now...bad enough that I can't concentrate on the things I need to...I will just leave things be for now and hope that peace can continue...who knows what the future will bring...maybe even a more mature J? Internal conflict about loving a person so much that has hurt you so badly... Thats a conflict that does a lot of damage. I'm still there in a lot of ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 No, no, no! NO worrying! Refuse to worry about anything! Refuse to worry about anyone outside of your children. TRAIN YOUR mind not to worry! No good ever comes of worrying! No amount of worrying is worth a dime! And you can train your mind to not worry! Like Scarlet O'hara in the movie "Gone With The Wind" Its hard ~ but possible. You sit around worrying and your worries will along with your imagination will take control of you! You've absolutely have to seek and gain control over such! It all comes down to either a thing is or it isn't! It all comes down to "What are you going to do about it?" When you get to the bottom of pan? There's only two things to worry about? Whether your healthy or sick? If your healthy? You've nothing to worry about! But, if your sick? You've still only two things to worry about? Whether your going to live or die? If you live? You've got nothing to worry about! But, if you die? You've still only two things to worrying about? Whether your going to Heaven or Hell? If you go to Heaven? You've got nothing to worry about! But if you go to Hell? Hell it won't matter because you'll be so busy saying Hello to all your friends and relatives you won't give a damn! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 Thanks Gunny! You are definitely one of my favorites to read...you should write a book "Separation and Divorce the Gunny way" LOL ...reminds me of my dad's shirt Special Forces don't die they just go to hell to regroup...I think that is how it is worded...you are right as long as me and the baby are healthy everything else will work out... So J dropped off the baby last night at 7pm as requested (still wearing the same clothes I sent him in the night before but atleast I know he had just put that on after our shower...and yes Tojaz with Mr Potato Head lol)...He is concerned that he needs to find an apartment this week because where he is living is not kept clean enough (guess I did rub off on him some), he has gotten in trouble with his roommates for reprimanding the 3 kids, they have already had the cable/internet turned off once so he had to pay for that for work, they (the roommates) got so many advances on their paycheck (the man is a suicide trucker and should make good $) that this week they have no paycheck and they have already been late on rent so they are paying weekley and so J thinks he may need to pay this week (convenient that he gets paid tomorrow)...oh and he has racked up a $3000 credit card bill...WTF! On what??? he moved in with minimal stuff, they get food stamps, and he is telling me that he has been keeping food in the house...Nice that he can do that for them! I guess good thing I have my dad and my head on my damn sholders not to go crazy with money I don't have. I did tell him (after listening quietly about all of this and not reacting) "I told you I didn't think it was a good idea to move in with them" and "I do care what is going on and yes you need to have a more stable place"...I reccommended my sons godmothers house again but I am sure that he will run out and find a really nice apartment because he thinks he can afford it...basically he said he either has to get an apartment this week or after next week because he is on call at work and then if he gets it this week he will have to move in this next weekend...so guess the baby will be with me and Papa (the baby is definitely papa's boy) Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Hi Ladybug A $3000 credit card bill???? On What??? He's not even buying diapers for his son for goodness sake. The sooner you get this through court sweetie the better, I know it's not what you want, but you are providing for your child. I mean, really, what kind of man is he? Can't even provide for his own son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 OH yeah forgot to mention he also said that his bank account went $800 in the hole...Lisa the only thing he did do was get one box of diapers, everything else is a inconvenience because he needs to get him self stable (you think???) so that he can help take care of the baby... Once he got the papers served he apparently also went by the daycare providers and asked how I paid her (idiot didn't remember that she is only accepting cash so she doesn't know wether my father or I paid and it doesn't matter as long as she is paid) and then asked if he could pay monthly...I am going to push that I pay daycare and get his contribution to it so that if I change daycare to be closer I can change it...Lisa I really don't know what kind of man he is but sounds like he is getting the idea maybe some things about me were not so bad...I hope it hits him like a ton of bricks sooner than later. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 OH yeah forgot to mention he also said that his bank account went $800 in the hole... Lisa I really don't know what kind of man he is but sounds like he is getting the idea maybe some things about me were not so bad...I hope it hits him like a ton of bricks sooner than later. A very selfish one by the sounds of it! I hope it hits him like a ton of bricks to Ladybug, I hope it hits my ex one day too! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 A very selfish one by the sounds of it! I remember someone saying that a few pages back! I don't remember who it was, but it was a damn fine looking man!!:D Ladybug, it's time to lay down the law to J. You can't keep covering all the expenses by yoyurself. Hes a father now, it's time to man up and take care of his responsibilites! Not just when it is convenient to him. Being a parent is 24/7 and there is no divorce from parenthood. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 I don't know how to lay down the law to J...what do I do other than to file and get the courts to garnish his wages...I can't tell him to man up it would do no good and you are right that there is no divorce from parenthood but he has made this decision and doesn't want the 24/7 job...so in the end...here I am devistated for me and my little boy and so hopeful for the future... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Unfortunately, there is no quitting being a parent. Both legally and in the real world. To lay down the law, and for the future, keep detailed records of how much he contributes and when he sees his son. This can help in court and may prove a wake up call to how he is behaving. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 Well there may be no quitting being a parent but I am afraid that he will never see what he could be doing and not doing...Thankfully my baby is 2 and all he knows is that he is so excited to see daddy when he comes to get him... You know J said I had the money issues and that I was controlling etc...I have so many issues with my self esteem...confidence I have but my self image is not the best...I know that I need to find myself and yet I don't know how to do that yet...I am scared to be alone and would have done anything for J (and did a lot of things I didn't want to for him)...I know that should have been reciprecated. I know that I will come out better after this divorce, I just don't want to be desperate for something (another man) so much that I would overlook the faults. I know all I need in life is here with me and my son...its the unknowns that kill me... I just want to be happy again with as few worries as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Well there may be no quitting being a parent but I am afraid that he will never see what he could be doing and not doing...Thankfully my baby is 2 and all he knows is that he is so excited to see daddy when he comes to get him... You know J said I had the money issues and that I was controlling etc...I have so many issues with my self esteem...confidence I have but my self image is not the best...I know that I need to find myself and yet I don't know how to do that yet...I am scared to be alone and would have done anything for J (and did a lot of things I didn't want to for him)...I know that should have been reciprecated. I know that I will come out better after this divorce, I just don't want to be desperate for something (another man) so much that I would overlook the faults. I know all I need in life is here with me and my son...its the unknowns that kill me... I just want to be happy again with as few worries as possible. Well, he may never see that, but your son will grow to see that if it continues, you know what I;m going to say about what J said, so i won't repeat it. It is normal to question your self confidence when someone you devoted your life to tells you they don't want you anymore and says all these gurtful things. Just know that this is a reflection of a weakness in them. You did it right! You were commited. Like I told MayI You were married, he wasn't! The unknown is a scary place for us all. I'm scared to death of single life and dating and putting my heart out there to be hurt again. But nothing truly great will ever happen to you unless you take some risks. When you heal and are ready for it theres going to be some great things out there for you Ladybug. Just you wait and see. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 Thanks Tojaz...It hurts really bad but you are right I was married and he wasn't. My patience is the worst so I am hoping great things are on their way sooner than later. I am willing to take some risks but there is so much that J has said or brought up...I went thru a horrible period of blaming myself for everything...it was my fault for getting the damn cat even...I have come to the conclusion that I never did really know what he wanted and yes he did a lot to make me happy but at the cost of not verbalizing his wants and needs for us to grow as a couple and a family. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Thanks Tojaz...It hurts really bad but you are right I was married and he wasn't. My patience is the worst so I am hoping great things are on their way sooner than later. I am willing to take some risks but there is so much that J has said or brought up...I went thru a horrible period of blaming myself for everything...it was my fault for getting the damn cat even...I have come to the conclusion that I never did really know what he wanted and yes he did a lot to make me happy but at the cost of not verbalizing his wants and needs for us to grow as a couple and a family. Sounds like my marriage. The first thing she ever worked up the nerve to ask me for was.......a divorce.:mad: Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 This is BS! My ex said he brushded his feelings aside to avoid an argument or hurting me, which Tojaz very rightly pointed out was BS, excuses, he compromised just like I did, that's a relationship, except, whenever he compromised he held resentment b/c he couldn't have his way ALL the time. Even simple things, things I was entiltled to ask for, to just spend some time with him for example. In reality Tojaz and Ladybug, all this really means is they could not have their own way all the time b/c they did not want to consider another person. In other words they are incapable of an adult relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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