LisaUk Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Hey Ladybug, how's it going? Just wondering if you are OK? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Hey Lisa...not really doing well today...Yesterday J called to say that he was working all evening on Saturday and all day on Sunday so he can't take the baby...I couldn't help it today when he called to verify that he was not going to be able to take the baby and why I couldn't talk to him...I said that I already had it taken care of and then said I was having a bad day (I was juggling bills) and that I was having a hard time with the fact that he just stopped loving me...I called him a little bit later and (god it was hard because he sounded like the old him) and said I was sorry that I knew he didn't want to hear me say those things but yes I still love him and left it at that... I should have never talked to him Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Hey Lisa...not really doing well today...Yesterday J called to say that he was working all evening on Saturday and all day on Sunday so he can't take the baby...I couldn't help it today when he called to verify that he was not going to be able to take the baby and why I couldn't talk to him...I said that I already had it taken care of and then said I was having a bad day (I was juggling bills) and that I was having a hard time with the fact that he just stopped loving me...I called him a little bit later and (god it was hard because he sounded like the old him) and said I was sorry that I knew he didn't want to hear me say those things but yes I still love him and left it at that... I should have never talked to him So what if he didn't want to hear you say that. How are your feelings any less valid then his. Don't edit yourself for his benefit Ladybug, what has he done to earn that. I think they all need a reminder every once in a while that they are F****NG AROUND WITH PEOPLES LIVES!! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 Thanks Tojaz...I think you are right, atleast J validated when I said I love you and said "I know that"...it even sounded like the old J... Went to counseling today...the Dr said that I needed to tell J that he is a good father and hold him to taking the baby on another day if he can't take him on the specified day...continue to tell him that I care and want him to come home...basically continue to tell him he is a good man... I told him that I have been and that I had no choice but to file for divorce because of not getting any help... I guess that I need to encourage J to be a good father because me and the baby want it...I have always had faith that anyone could become better at anything they wanted to. Thanks tojaz and Lisa again...you are the two who listen to me the most Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Thanks Tojaz...I think you are right, atleast J validated when I said I love you and said "I know that"...it even sounded like the old J... Went to counseling today...the Dr said that I needed to tell J that he is a good father and hold him to taking the baby on another day if he can't take him on the specified day...continue to tell him that I care and want him to come home...basically continue to tell him he is a good man... I told him that I have been and that I had no choice but to file for divorce because of not getting any help... I guess that I need to encourage J to be a good father because me and the baby want it...I have always had faith that anyone could become better at anything they wanted to. Thanks tojaz and Lisa again...you are the two who listen to me the most Your very welcome Ladybug. It's true, that anybody can be better at anything if they want to. It's the wanting to that is hard. My ex told me many times she wished she could have been a better wife for me. Truth be told, she just didn't want to try. J needs to make that decision on his own. Only when that commitment made will he see what has to come next. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 So I guess I will ask J to try to be a better father to the baby, tell him that I love him and wish he would come back home, and let the rest of the pieces fall where they may...I was talking with my best friend last night and J talks to her...He told her well if the divorce goes thru and he hooks up with my old friend/roommate what does it matter? It just proves to me they are both idiots...she has abuse past problems and he has motivation issues, plus all of the people who would turn their backs on them...I don't know but I think he will come back for me someday and regret what he did...who knows...I know he is not making any progress on his own...the teeter totter of I love him and anything can happen is in opposition with I really am better off without him and can have someone who loves me more... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 So I guess I will ask J to try to be a better father to the baby, tell him that I love him and wish he would come back home, and let the rest of the pieces fall where they may...I was talking with my best friend last night and J talks to her...He told her well if the divorce goes thru and he hooks up with my old friend/roommate what does it matter? It just proves to me they are both idiots...she has abuse past problems and he has motivation issues, plus all of the people who would turn their backs on them...I don't know but I think he will come back for me someday and regret what he did...who knows...I know he is not making any progress on his own...the teeter totter of I love him and anything can happen is in opposition with I really am better off without him and can have someone who loves me more... That a teeter totter that we all face. The question is, what would you be getting back? It isn't enough just to have J there, he has to learn something from all of this. Whatever isn't resolved that caused the seperation in the first place, you will be doomed to repeat. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 So I guess I will ask J to try to be a better father to the baby, tell him that I love him and wish he would come back home, and let the rest of the pieces fall where they may...I was talking with my best friend last night and J talks to her...He told her well if the divorce goes thru and he hooks up with my old friend/roommate what does it matter? It just proves to me they are both idiots...she has abuse past problems and he has motivation issues, plus all of the people who would turn their backs on them...I don't know but I think he will come back for me someday and regret what he did...who knows...I know he is not making any progress on his own...the teeter totter of I love him and anything can happen is in opposition with I really am better off without him and can have someone who loves me more... How about you ask him to be a better father, and leave it at that? He has to come to the realization of his love for you on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Hi Ladybug Sorry I haven't checked in on you in a while. I think it's important to tell J that he needs to be a better father and that yo would like to be a family again and work on your relationship. That needs saying calmly once. What he does after that is his own responsiblity. I hope he hears you, my ex didn't, when I told him I would like for us to be friends if we could no longer be together, I meant it, he was in my life for 18 years. He choose to be nasty and aggressive and got me to the point where I said I did not ever want to hear from him again, unless he could apoligise for what he has done. So sad, all those years just thrown away. I hope J has more sense, but if he doesn't you need to know you did all that you could. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 Lisa I am just frustrated that I would have to ask him to be a better father... he was supposed to have the baby today and me work but he was on call...he didn't even call to see how his day was going, if he was feeling better, if he could get him another day, etc... I can't believe how I have told him many times that he can get him anytime and he has never come to get him, called, taken him to dinner...I hurt more for my son than me right now... I got a proverbial slap from my BIL who was mad at me for still being focused on me and J when there are so many other things that matter to worry about...guess I needed it but I will vent here from now on and just lean on my dad I guess... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Lisa I am just frustrated that I would have to ask him to be a better father... he was supposed to have the baby today and me work but he was on call...he didn't even call to see how his day was going, if he was feeling better, if he could get him another day, etc... I can't believe how I have told him many times that he can get him anytime and he has never come to get him, called, taken him to dinner...I hurt more for my son than me right now... I got a proverbial slap from my BIL who was mad at me for still being focused on me and J when there are so many other things that matter to worry about...guess I needed it but I will vent here from now on and just lean on my dad I guess... You shouldn't have to ask him to be a better father!! he should want that for himself. Your BIL is right that there are more important things to worry about with a 2 year old in the picture, but this is something we all fall into. Unfortunately we all have to accept that we have no control over other peoples actions. Even if they are hurtful, selfish, and wrong! It's time to start building a life for yourself without J. If the fog clears and wants back then he will have to find his place in it, but for now it's about whats best for you and your son! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 So...J has submitted his rebutle (sp?) to the court today and found out that our status conference is on the 1st. I told him that he needs to be there for the baby more (he gave the excuse that he just got off of on-call...yeah 2 months worth?) and all that I wanted out of getting married and having the baby was to have the family that I thought he wanted too...guess I was wrong...He is a good hearted person usually and I have no idea what he wants right now or what he did want I guess...I know that I want to be a good mother and wife to someone some day...I want to be a mother again...I want to be a stable and successful teacher...I just want to be happy...maybe someday if the fog clears there will be a place for him but for now???How do I deal with him...so many people think I am letting him win by being me and overly caring about him and willing to give him anything to help...he is my son's father and the person that I used to call my true love. I just want to find peace and stability. I have to make an appointment with my lawyer for the financial stuff and I haven't gotten that together yet...I just don't want to do any of this...I know I need to move on for me and the baby...I just want my family! Damn today just sucks! ...I am hanging... Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 I'm sorry ladybug. Looks like quite a few of us are having rough days. I'm not very good with advice, especially in situations involving children, but I do understand the conflict between being caring (who you naturally are), and thinking - or having other people tell you - that you need to be tough with him. When you look back, will you regret being caring? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 Thanks SHB...I really don't know what to tell myself either...it seems gender neautral for some of the things that happen...Yes I am a woman and yes I realize that many women are vindictive and looking for money...yes I wan financial help but to keep the roof over my head and my son... Rough days come and go...plus side for me is my son's smile and giggles...negative is not being with the SO that should be there that doesn't want to be...or if he does he is waiting for the courts to order more time...I am not keeping his son from him and I am worried that he is telling others I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 Side note: you don't need money to do things for yourself and your children! also looking at $ on my end I have done well and not spent what I don't have...yes my father has helped A LOT but all of the bonuses and stuff that J got? We should have been able to do the things we wanted to and not screwing our (my) credit scores...I should have been more involved a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 So again J has the baby...it kills me to pass him off when he is crying. I hope someday in the future I am happy. Who knows maybe J and I will find eachother again but he told me today that the baby is his #1 priority (when he was spending so much money supporting another family and himself?)...I love him and really hope that he finds happiness and wants his family again...I want to spend time with him...I know he is immature and has a lot of learning and growing up to do... I feel stupid for caring so much but yet I have always accepted J in every way...I am trying to find happiness for me and my son...maybe someday that will be the three of us again but when will I not want that? I feel like I will always want that... I don't know what the future brings but I am opening the door because I can't live closed up... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 So again J has the baby...it kills me to pass him off when he is crying. I hope someday in the future I am happy. Who knows maybe J and I will find eachother again but he told me today that the baby is his #1 priority (when he was spending so much money supporting another family and himself?)...I love him and really hope that he finds happiness and wants his family again...I want to spend time with him...I know he is immature and has a lot of learning and growing up to do... I feel stupid for caring so much but yet I have always accepted J in every way...I am trying to find happiness for me and my son...maybe someday that will be the three of us again but when will I not want that? I feel like I will always want that... I don't know what the future brings but I am opening the door because I can't live closed up... I was going to really cut loose on you and start ranting until that last line. You get it Ladybug, build your own life and a family of 2. If J wakes up and wants to be part of it,hes going to have to find his place on your terms. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 I am trying Tojaz...I can't believe I just took a week off from work and I felt like crap the whole time...Thursday I tried talking to J J:let me know when we can go over the parenting plan document. Unless I have to go through your lawyer, which then I will file on my own me:we need to go to the parenting class first...then put it together J:It needs submitted oct 1st at that court date. The next class here is oct 7th. and I'm under the impression we need that class done by then too me: no J do you really want this divorce? I miss you and I still want to be with you J: Let's face it, neither of us was happy being with the other. You would not have turned to C and S if you was happy with me. I would not have used work and a game to suppress my own feelings like I did. Neither of us was meant to be together. And asking me the same thing over and over does not mean anything me:it wasnt that I was not happy with you...I didn't respect me or you...you turned to work because we both did not turn to eachother. I was happy with you and wanted to build it more and things got so confused J: telling me you would go through a mediator right before hiring an attourney was a slap in the face. You knew I would not have hired one. Now still to this day I have not hired one. It shows you want the divorce more than me. Hiring an attourney was not looking out for the baby's best interest. It was looking out for yours. Dad or your uncle I know had to pay for him. and in my pinion they want me gone more than anything, and you to take me for everything you can because in their eyes it was me that hurt you and you have done nothing wrong. In all matters though it was both of us that hurt the other. Now I'm being forced to deal with everything going on. It is apparent by your attourneys paperwork that you want everything possible. And with knowing my temperment if things start lloking bleak you know what I will do me: Asking the same thing over and over means I truly do love you...I want you to be happy no...I am looking out for the baby and honestly we can still mediate with the lawyer...if you think I want this you are wrong...if you said to stop the divorce because you wanted to work this out I would...J I just wish you would come home...I dont care what others think and the lawyer doesn't know you or me...i love you and want you J: I won't say that though because we could not be happy with ourselves with everything that has happened me: we could yes because we can make that choice to be reguardless of the past Am I crazy... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 I guess what gets me is that I want to show him again that yes we were happy... Yes tojaz I am making the most of me and the baby as a family and yet lately I have been thinking of never sleeping with anyone again to prove to him how ready to only be with him I was and am. My dad thinks in five years J will want to settle down and may see then how things really were now... I don't want to take him for everything in court...I would rather him come home and be there for the baby and me! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Your not crazy, hes trying to make you the bad guy, like your working him over in the divorce, like you initiated the whole thing. Nowhere does he acknowledge that he started this. Me and the ex went through a lot of this. I'd tell her to go and that I won't fight her, she wanted to stay, i wanted to save the relationship, she wanted to go! Until he can open his eyes to his part of things, you really should keep the contact to a minimum. It just reopens the wounds. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 He even said that he hasn't felt welcome at the house and it calling in my house and not our house...but now that I have let him hang out he wouldn't mind coming over for dinner one night...WTF??? I think you are right it reopens the wounds but I want to try still...I think after the divorce there would be those boundaries that maybe we could be something better together and maybe not even in a relationship...you don't have to be married to be mentally married. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I'm not saying don't try, make it clear what you want from him, but he has to take a step in your direction. Right now your the one doing all the work and hes just stepping away. If you don't both want this, it will be doomed from the start. Just give him some time, sometimes no move is the best move. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 I figure that the divorce is the best step...it sets up the support I need and gives him every freedom that he wants...if he steps my way who knows...I will do my best to make a good life for me and my boy Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Thats all you can do Ladybug. The rest is on him. I can't promise he'll come back, but I can promise he will realize what hes lost. You and your boy living well without him is just going to show him that on a very large stage. By not moving towards him, it will show him more then chasing him around. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 Im trying Tojaz...bad day...J didn't see his son for nearly two weeks Link to post Share on other sites
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