tojaz Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Im trying Tojaz...bad day...J didn't see his son for nearly two weeks Theres nothing you can do about that though Ladybug. Thats his choice to make. Your there for your boy and thats all you can do. Once these days are gone and J is never going to be able to get that back. He will always have to live with that. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 I know I can't do anything about it but I feel like an idiot sometimes for caring so much about him and what he is missing out on. He was telling me yesterday that it hurts him just as much as me to be away from our son...I don't think so when he was so ready to drop him off as soon as I was off of work and all of the complaining about not having money to do things... Damn Tojaz...logically I know that he is so lacking and yet I don't care because I have faith that he can be better and is better than that...I don't know where the balance is right now Stupid romantic Ladybug...just hurts and I am so scared... "And with knowing my temperment if things start lloking bleak you know what I will do"...I asked him and he said "I don't know what I would do" (I assume he will just dissappear)...I have tried and tried to reassure him that the lawyer is only involved for the baby and I am not out to ring him dry...what in the world! I have never been out to get him or been vindictive Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I know I can't do anything about it but I feel like an idiot sometimes for caring so much about him and what he is missing out on. He was telling me yesterday that it hurts him just as much as me to be away from our son...I don't think so when he was so ready to drop him off as soon as I was off of work and all of the complaining about not having money to do things... Don't feel bad about caring, thats who you are. Pay no attention to his words, thats all they are. What do his actions tell you? Thats where you'll find the truth. Damn Tojaz...logically I know that he is so lacking and yet I don't care because I have faith that he can be better and is better than that...I don't know where the balance is right now Logic will always let you down ladybug. There is nothing logical about any of this, agreed? Keep that faith in him, but I wouldn't wait around for results. He may never be capable of giving you that. Just because he CAN be better then that or was in the past, doesn't mean he will be. The balance is between what you wish for and what you can see with your own eyes. Worry about what you can control and let what you can't play itself out. trying to do anything else is just added stress. Stupid romantic Ladybug...just hurts and I am so scared... "And with knowing my temperment if things start lloking bleak you know what I will do"...I asked him and he said "I don't know what I would do" (I assume he will just dissappear)...I have tried and tried to reassure him that the lawyer is only involved for the baby and I am not out to ring him dry...what in the world! I have never been out to get him or been vindictive He will choose to believe the worst because it makes him look better by comparison. Helps him justify his actions in his own mind. Don't worry about what he thinks, do what you know is best for you and your son. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 I see your point with logic...and yes if he had helped me and the baby out instead of his roommates then I would have stayed separated for quite a while I am sure...I don't know if he will ever understand that if he could have just shown me some actions...He has already moved on I guess but I feel (or hope who knows) that it is just a detour... The balance is between what you wish for and what you can see with your own eyes. Worry about what you can control and let what you can't play itself out. trying to do anything else is just added stress. I think I will ponder on this for a while...Thanks Tojaz Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Your welcome Ladybug! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Well yesterday was a good day, had some laughs with co-workers and had some reality checks with my best friend and dad... J never celebrated our son J never wanted to do any house keeping or yard work or any maintenance I had to shovel while pregnant and he played WOW J would never take pictures of our son, I would have to beg for pictures of me with our son J has had more money issues (that were always my fault) without me than with I have always been the one to dress our son up for special occasions (first christmas, halloween, easter, etc...) and take him out by myself J never would not do things with me yet goes with the ex-bestfriend to get her nails done now So good day right? I woke at 3:30am and could not go to sleep because I had such an urge to call him and tell him everything he did wrong too and beg him to come home again...WTF I look at things that so many on here have been thru and I have nothing of the sort of problems and feel like this is so stupid and wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hey Ladybug Your feelings are just as vaild as anyone on here. We all have different circumstances, doesn't mean yours or anyone else pain is any greater or any less. So it sounds like you are starting to see some of J's bad points, yet like me, you still don't seem able to turn of the desire to be with him, even though you know deep down that he is not good for you? I think maybe this has something to do with the chemical addiction part of being in love that Gunny talks about? Don't call him! I have had the urge to do exactly the same the last few days, I want to call him up and tell him what he is and what he did to me. I know it will do no good whatsoever and will result in me being abused. He's not open to reason Ladybug, don't waste your breath, you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Lisa is right. Your pain is just as valid. Everyone's situation is different, everyone's personality is different, everyone's ex is different. But everyone comes here for a reason, and it's because we all hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 Well I didn't call J that night...I know that he has a lot of growing up to do and figuring out his responsibilities and priorities. I did talk to him last night because he initiated a call. I told him that the only reason that I am going thru with the divorce is because I want to give him his freedom to do as he chooses and to find his way...definitely not because I want it...I know that he wants to build communication but the communication was not failing on my part...(maybe after the court decides his required contributions I will start talking more with him) He admited that he doesn't know where he spent all of his money and that he is worried that he is going to get the shaft from the court...the conversation later changed to his reasons for not spending more time with the baby and I countered with his excuses and inaction... I did end the call with what the counselor reccommended and told him I still want to be with him (intimately as well) and want him to come home but I am not pushing for anything...if we were to decide to work on things and get back together that would be our choice and I wouldn't care what anyone thought about it...he can be a good father and a good husband...(I will not be with him if he does not make an effort to change)...I know he is open to couples who divorce and even come together because we know many of them... So I have hope for a better relationship between us in the future (with a son there has to be better if not together) but I am at peace with giving him his freedom and having the freedom myself to improve as a single mother and home owner etc... I am moving one step at a time forward and have no expectations Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Ladybug, I love that post!!! Strong willed, loving and honest all at the same time. You my dear GET IT!!! Your making all the right moves, keep it up! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 27, 2009 Author Share Posted September 27, 2009 I don't know what to think anymore... J came to get the baby early because I had a concert to go to with a friend, he broached the subject that he came up with a parenting plan where he would take the baby every Sun, Mon, Tue, and every other Wed...then asked me what I thought. I told him that I did not want the baby away from home during the week...well that wouldn't be fair and J said all I wanted was more $...I said I just wanted him to come home and that I didn't know what I wanted but it wasn't just monetary help that honestly I felt that he just dropped me and his son and he smarted off about "do you really want to feel what its like to be dropped"(ie. leave and not have anything to do with the baby or I)...He proceeded to say "Ill be out at the car" and left me and the baby in the baby's room...I followed him out and asked him "J do you want to take the baby?" and he retorted about saying he would be out at the car. I pointed out that was not the question or an answer...long story short... J started to hand me over the keys to the car and threw his phone and started to walk off and said "I don't need anything"...You don't need your son?! I don't know if I am an idiot or just too kind hearted...I eased up and said "J come back your son wants to see you and spend time with you and he loves you", "I love you too and I don't know how to help you but this is not making things better"...so at this point he will give the courts a parenting plan and I will give them a parenting plan and we will see... I just want him to say that he wants him and start showing me that he is not just trying to get out of paying more child support. (oh and he has to find a place by Oct 1 on our court date because his roommates are unable to keep renting the house they are in and he is trying to get work to help for $1250 for application, first month rent, and deposit...I am not mad that he has helped the roommates but I wonder why he doesn't understand that I need help) Any thoughts my LS friends? Some people are saying that he is trying to butter me up to get off easier on our Status Conference hearing...I still love him but I think this fence is breaking down and I am all over his BS Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 Well…I have now said more of my piece to J…He called to say that he is moving out tonight to my son's godmothers for two weeks. I asked again if he would be able to help me financially and he said the internet was turned off last night so he doesn’t know what his account is at…Christy is going to help him move (big surprise) and I told him I was glad he was moving out and asked if he had told Christy that I do not want her called “aunt” and J said “yes I told her”…I said “good, I don’t really want her and John around the baby either but I have no control of that”…when J asked why I said “Well as much as she disrespected me and left me hanging I don’t think that she is a good model and the way that she allows John to act is not okay”… “maybe in the future you will see that Christy disrespected me as much as Scott disrespected you” …oh and I told him that I really did care about him but I am frustrated and sad to see the irresponsibility and that his head is still partly up his asz…when he wanted clarification for that I pointed out that the mortgage takes my whole paycheck and that for three months now he has managed to be in the hole the whole time … It still doesn’t help that I truly do love him and want to be there for him but Christy needs to get the hell out of our lives! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 Well Saturday J joined my son's godmother and I at the air field with my dad. It was a little full of tension but J even helped my dad get his plane cleaned up and back into his car...he then invited me with our son to a hobby store and out for a late lunch...we spent most of Saturday afternoon together, then on Sunday when I picked up our son we went to dinner after...then he wanted so badly to point out his new condo and what rooms went with what window. I honestly am excited for him (if I could sell my house for what I owe atleast then I wouldn't mind a change too)...Well I have made my slips but I know that he is aware that I still love him and want to be with him...my lawyer called today and I asked J what he thought about going thru with a leagal separation instead of a divorce...he said he would have to think about it... There are so many things that I took for granted that I never will again and I pray for so much more than I did before. I have done a lot of changing and maturing but I am not thru all the lessons of life. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Hi ladybug, it must have been so hard/strange looking at your husbands new place. It is amazing the strength we somehow find to cope with those sorts of things. Has he said anything about a legal separation instead of a divorce? Sorry if you have posted this elsewhere. Thinking of you.... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 ladybug, Just the fact that he decided to join you for a day is a huge step in the right direction. Take it slow and easy, I so hope to hear a success story!:bunny: TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 24, 2009 Author Share Posted October 24, 2009 Well J was under the impression that it would cost more money to file for seperation instead of divorce. I called my lawyer and again spoke with J..."what would that do"? was his response but he did not give me a difinitive answer...He has been calling to inform me what he is doing and has asked what is going on with me (same S#!t different day). We had a doctors appointment with our son yesterday and I dressed in one of the dresses J got me in India...he didn't say anything but I bet it surprised him. He has not been affectionate but has invited me to carve pumpkins with our son today and then have dinner...I am excited and scared... Jane you are more than welcome to PM me if you like...my thread has kinda died so I have been mostly on PM with tojaz (thanks buddy) and Dela... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Your welcome Ladybug, be sure to tell us how pumpkin night goes! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Well J was under the impression that it would cost more money to file for seperation instead of divorce. I called my lawyer and again spoke with J..."what would that do"? was his response but he did not give me a difinitive answer...He has been calling to inform me what he is doing and has asked what is going on with me (same S#!t different day). We had a doctors appointment with our son yesterday and I dressed in one of the dresses J got me in India...he didn't say anything but I bet it surprised him. He has not been affectionate but has invited me to carve pumpkins with our son today and then have dinner...I am excited and scared... Jane you are more than welcome to PM me if you like...my thread has kinda died so I have been mostly on PM with tojaz (thanks buddy) and Dela... Ladybug, this sounds like it could be positive?! I so hope it is, just remember those 180's, don't discuss the relationship and show him what he is missing. I'm going to keep my fingers firmly crossed for you, I would love for things to work out for you. Relax and enjoy tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 Okay so last night was a little bit...I don't know what to say...When I got to the house J was putting together dinner and our son was finishing a nap. My baby boy was so excited to see me when he woke that he grabbed a sippy and cuddled with me. J had on the Disney channel and we just watched the end of the show while dinner was started. When dinner was done we had a cranky boy who didn't really want to eat yet but his meal needed to cool first...J got frustrated and thought that I wasn't going to eat and explained that the baby was cranky almost all day (seems like we were all a little sleepy). J talked about work and how many of his coworkers are leaving. I told him about things going on at my work and told him that I had a couple of people hit on me and supposidly my roommates think that the guy who contracted my roof replacement has a crush on me...J responded "what am I supposed to say to that?" I said "nothing I was just telling you what was going on"...so things settled down and we ran to the store to get paper to carve the pumpkins because he didn't have any (oh and cigarettes for J because he was out...luckily his card went thru...yes he is still broke but I'll get there)...We got back to the house and started setting up...J cut the tops open and I scraped them out. When he asked me to get a stencil ready I didn't read the directions and started cutting out the stencil (no not my first time just a brain fart)...I suggested to J to get his xacto knife out to finish the stencil and played with the baby and did a old fashioned face for him to get the idea of what we were doing. The baby thought it was like a shape ball and put back in the pieces...J finished the stencil and I tried taping it to the other pumpkin and he got an idea to try to use some model spray paint to paint the stencil...well it bled so J got all upset and tried washing it off...I told him to just let it dry...I pointed out that he was missing the reason and baby was having fun poking at the pumpkin and got his hands dirty etc... well I told J to just go ahead and paint the rest of the other pumpkin and let it dry so he did that outside and got his hand and arm some...it was funny...well J came back in and it just seemed like he wanted to watch TV and like everything I was doing was frustrating him so I started to prepare to leave... J asked where I was going and I told him "well it just seems like everything I am doing is frustrating you so I was going to head out"...he responded "you don't need to go if I wanted you to go I would have said I think you need to head out"...then he pointed out that it was about an hour till bed time for the baby and if I left that it would just make him throw a fit...so I stayed and about an hour later I took the baby and headed to the couch in the basement...it took about another hour for the baby to fall asleep and J came down. He tried to wake me but I was comfortable. He sat down next to me (I could tell he was upset and just dozed) I placed my hand on his arm and then told him he would have to move the baby over to the loveseat...I didn't want to move... well then I probably Fd up. J came back to me to wake me again and I said "don't take this the wrong way but I want you"...he said "No, no it would only confuse things more than they already are". So I said okay and asked him if he would lay next to me for 10min. He laid down but then turned over and started talking about us. He talked about how the parenting after divorce class would explain everything that he went thru and how him and Christy are just friends and he knew for a long time that she was attracted to him...so I told him I don't think anything happened between them and even if it did I would forgive him because I unconditionally love him and he doesn't understand that. I also pointed out that all of my responses were in defense for what he told me and my concern about the EA...explained that it was a EA because he went to Christy and not me...that he tried to tell me things and change things but I didn't realize and now that I am willing to work now and need his help too because things can't be the same. I pointed out that he was not taught two things 1. unconditional love that hangs in there and 2. that things can be better with work (or something like that). His mother was married within a year after his father and mother divorced (he was 9) and his father a month after the divorce also married. His mother is on marriage #3 and it was within a year after her second divorce...I told him that whatever happens between the two of us would be between us and that it would be starting over (when I said clean slate he started to bock and I said with history but new expectations and boundaries)...he mentioned about me wanting the separation instead of divorce and that I just want him to beg to come back to me...I told him no that I wanted him to want to work on us... I got up quickly gave my son a kiss and got upstairs and got my shoes and jacket on. J followed me up and said "well I can walk you out still" and I said "you don't have to". I grabbed the stuff that was put together for me and J followed with the baby's pumpkin. When I didn't say anything other than goodnight and I'll see you later and started to get into my car J said "so now your going to leave pissed at me" and I said I am not mad at you. J said "well that is not how you are acting"...I walked around the car and gave him a hug (he even really hugged back)and said "I am in no way mad at you...I needed to go before I did something that you didn't want me to...when he asked what I just told him "I just wanted to kiss you" and I hurried to say see you later and get in my car...I could see him walk to the front door upset... I didn't sleep much last night...my internet connection was not working so I couldn't get on here...and this morning I am back to feeling emotionally sick... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 Oh yeah btw...J said "you know the reason I haven't paid you anything is because I am trying to get my credit card paid off or it will go to collections..." so he gets paid twice as much as me a month and has half the bills yet he is still in the hole... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Dosen't sound all that bad ladybug. You can't push though. I know your anxious and want the hurt to go away, but you have to let him make these decisions for himself. The more pressure you put on him, the more hes going to recoil and feel he needs to defend himself. You want him to fall in love again and that just dosen't happen, it took time and a lot of reflection the first time around, and it's going to now. Sounds like you will get another chance though, hang in there. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Go get a copy of this pronto! A lot of solid advice for your situation. http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Back-Together-Reconcile-Partner/dp/1593374933/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256484067&sr=1-1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 I'll check out WalMart seems I have to go by there anyway...you know, I know I pushed too hard but it felt good to get out some of his mistakes to him...he is in the mindset that he did nothing wrong...that he was trying all this long time. I recognized his improvements to him last night but I was able to supply some of his mistakes like missing out on the babys holidays, not going out with me when I asked (then complaining that we never went out), not recognizing how much I wanted him to be there and how much I defended him no matter what because I loved him. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Thats all good stuff, but any pushing he picks up on is going to be seen as manipulative, because in truth it is. That will just justify him doing what he did in his mind. The telling him others are hitting on you etc. is to evoke jealousy and he sees right through that as being manipulative towards reconciling. Hes obsessing over everything that was said just like you are. Thats why i said just be your self and show him what hes missing. Telling aint going to do it. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 Okay so ladybug needs to focus only on actions...well mostly, I would look like an idiot if I didn't talk...I'll get the book...I'll keep praying...and I'll keep waiting... I have nowhere else to go. Link to post Share on other sites
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