Dilemma!

[bluejeanbebe]

I can see all of this ending badly. I can just see it.

 

Bit of history: met my friend, George I'll call him, at work. We were good work friends. We became neighbors as we bought houses in the same neighborhood. I became good friends with his wife. I was usually dating someone most of the time. They move away for his job. This was a more than a year ago. George comes back into town, for 6 months or so, for active guard duty (sans wife of course). My serious relationship has just left me and I'm sad and alone. George has nothing to do in the off hours, so he starts asking me to hang out. The wife knows about this. I feel better because it's a bit of a distraction from my broken heart. In a few times where drinks have been involved, he's made it abundantly clear that he's attracted to me, and of course, also admitted previously that he and the missus are having problems. THank gawd tho, I have no interest in him. He's a good friend to hang out with to be distracted from my broken heart- and that's it. My gawd why can't he just see me as a friend and/or sister??

 

ANyway, he keeps laying on the flirtations thicker and thicker and I brush them off- nothing happens between us of course. His wife is a good friend of mine and I will NOT come between them. Read my other posts and you will see that this is not my first rodeo. Learned my lesson! Finally his guilty conscience gets to him, and he starts sending me texts that maybe it's not a good idea that we hang out, considering his problems at home and that he's attracted to me. I agree.

 

Well, next day, he changes his mind and starts asking again when we can hang out again. He says well, as long as we aren't alone together or alcohol isn't involved, I should be fine. I don't frickin think so. I think he can't handle being my friend as long as I'm single. And really, how good of friends are we anyway, if he's tucking me in the back of his mind as a 'Plan B' option, if his marriage goes ary? If we're only friends because he's wanting more?

 

My question is, at what point do I tell his wife, my friend also, what kind of shennanigans her husband is up to? He texts/calls me all day long (way more than my now ex BF ever did- not a complaint, just saying) and I would think any wife would be furious about that. I can recognize an unhappy heart and a roving eye when i see one.... and she's a bad jealous... and of course he is too.

 

I told him if it comes down to it, I would rather him keep his marriage and we not be friends. I just hate hurting his feelings, which I feel like I am doing.

[Thaddeus]

I told him if it comes down to it, I would rather him keep his marriage and we not be friends. I just hate hurting his feelings, which I feel like I am doing.

You'd actually be doing both of you, and his marriage, a favor by exiting the picture gracefully. Sure, it will hurt him, but better that short-term hurt than ending up in an OW situation which hurts everyone for a long, long time.

[bluejeanbebe]

I know this- and see him eyeing others also- and am wondering if I should be informing the wife too. Is it my place?

[bluejeanbebe]

here are the most recent emails:

 

mine:

(george)-

 

Let's be honest with ourselves. Us being friends while I am single is a recipe for disaster. I think you're a great friend and lots of fun to hang out with, but if you can't handle being just friends and it could end up costing you your marriage- I'd rather not. You've already admitted to having problems in your marriage, plus being attracted to single me- I already see what's going to happen. I appreciate you being a distraction since (my ex BF) left- but you've been texting and calling even more than (my ex BF) did, my actual (former) boyfriend. If you don't back off you're going to force me to have to tell (your wife). If it comes down to it, I'd rather you keep your marriage and us not be friends. I'm not saying any of this to be mean.

 

 

He responds:

 

I was the one that was honest, yes. All I was trying to say is that You and I drunk and alone is not good. Yes I am working on my marriage and it is improving. I trust that you as a friend will keep this to yourself what I am about to tell you. You know some of this from your experience with (my wife). Something is not right with her and I am trying to get her to go see a professional "i.e.- shrink". That is the problems I was talking about- not problems that I was thinking about divorce. She has become disconnected from our marriage because of her mental state. I did not realize that talking to you once a day and texting you like I was annoyed you like it did, thanks for telling me I appreciate your honesty. I do have problems though being labeled a "distraction", I was not trying nor do I want to be someone's distraction. I said nothing negative to you in anyway and I thought that anything I said to you in reference to the things you opened up to me about (your ex BF) were positive. Please as your friend, in the future don't compare me (one of your friends) to your EX- I really do not think that was fair and I have not ever let you down nor will I. You and I do not need to argue, but maybe you and I needed to have this conversation. You know I almost didn't send you those text messages the other day because I was afraid this was going to happen. I was trying to PREVENT you and I from crossing that line. I thought that if I was honest about it to you- my friend, maybe you would appreciate that I was honest. Unlike you I do not think this is a recipe for disaster. You can remind me how lucky I am to have (my wife) as a wife and that I should be supportive of her with dealing with some life changing things in a woman that I as a man know nothing about. and I can be a supportive friend and remind you sometimes when you think (like you did the other night) that your never going to get married and have the family you want- that your too good of a person for something like that not too happen to you.

 

I have a good idea- let's just hit the reset button.

 

I did not realize about the calls and the text messages. The last thing I wanted to do is smother you and I am sorry.

I tell you what- you call and text me when you want and I want have to worry about it bothering you.

 

I do think the world of you and I do think of you as one of my only true friends.

 

There how is that for honesty,"

 

 

 

 

sounds like he's doing some back-peddling. He did come right out and ask in a chat session if he could 'call me' if he and his wife broke up. He says he's being honest- I don't think he's being honest at all.

[WTRanger]

It's too hard to read honesty from chats and emails. If this really means something to you to get all of this cleared out, it has to be on in person. Face to face is best, at minimum on the phone. It's best to see the other person's face, but if you can hear the inflections and tones of their voice it'll help give you some clues.

 

Chats and emails are okay, but they give the responder time to think and time to re-write their responses.

 

I agree with you, unless a barrier is put up, this will end badly. He's everything you need in your life, minus the fact that you can/want to commit to anything more than friends, and you're everything to him that his wife is not. He's your stand-in boyfriend and you're his replacement wife. There is no good ending to this.

 

However, I don't know if you should inform his wife. That might be too much at this point in time. I think that could only come from you if you've known her for many years and were really close to her. Other than that, she could take it the wrong way and vent towards you instead of her numbskull husband.