seeking input from betrayed + wayward spouses

[afineline]

we are very close to a couple who is very recently dealing w/ infidelity (approx less than 6month affair). we are the only 'couple friends' that know what is going on the betrayed spouse has a limited support network, no family is aware and only a couple other friends. the wayward spouse's family and most friends are in the 'know', and for the most part and maintaining a supportive attitude for both spouses.

 

they are in couples therapy but have yet to start indiv. counseling.

we have been involved in this pretty much since the affair was outed (by the wayward spouse). during this time we have pledged our support and friendship to both spouses. betrayed spouse requested this and we were relived to not have to choose sides. things have been going 'well' for them, positive efforts made on both sides and progress. no permanent decisions have been made as to the future of their relatively new marriage but both have voiced wanting to try to reconcile.

 

then yesterday another disclosure to BS by WS. the timeline of the affair was longer than first confessed. so wounds that were beginning to heal are re-opened. they are back to square one and BS is not sure where they stand as far as continuing reconciliation.

 

my question is this, BS has not asked us to choose between them and i don't foresee this happening, if it does fine. in the meantime i am struggling with my approach to WS. in the beginning i was very neutral/supportive with both of them. coming more from a place of trying to understand how/why this happened . it was easy as the focus was their healing not our deceit. now i feel a little more annoyed, i am struggling between the 'WTF we're u thinking' (about the timeline lie) approach and 'i'm so disappointed in u' approach. I just don’t get what WS was thinking by not fully disclosing all information from day one.

 

we spend A LOT of time with this couple and it WILL have to be addressed so i want to feel like my words/input are/is appropriate and yet still true to my feelings.

 

 

 

thank you in advance for any insight/tips/advice you may have. i would love to hear from others in my situation or either side of a couple dealing w/ infidelity.

 

Sidenote: WS has a personality that tends to not be told like it is by others. this is a person that avoids conflict at any cost and is ‘okay’ w/ anything even when they very clearly are not. this tempts me even more to use the ‘WTF’ approach. if i was related to this person i would.

[2sure]

You know, its like anything else. Sometimes people we care about do really stupid or mean things. Sometimes they do it repeatedly. For example : What if you had a friend you grew up with and loved, and you thought he was great but had to admit he was single because he treated women like crap? You would have to decide eventually, if you loved him in spite of this character flaw or if you just didnt want someone of that character in your life anymore.

 

He did it. The BS isnt asking you to choose because he didnt do it to you and because she hopes to reconcile.

 

To involve you in the problem, to confide in you, to make the 2 of you their confidants in this...is too much.

 

If they reconcile it will be complicated and take time. Its an intimate thing. Be supportive, but take a step way back.

[crissie]

I am in total agreement with 2sure. As for friendship with either, you have to decide on a personal level if you want someone of that character as a friend. Other than that...Step way back - its the BS decision to make on the marriage and the forgiveness, they didn't ask you to choose sides because it's not up to you, it's up to them.

[afineline]

thanks for the responses so far!

 

i think I need to clear something up from my OP, i'm not struggling w/ a decision regarding choosing between them as friends. i'm struggling w/ my response/approach to WS re. this NEW development (the affair timeline lie).

 

again it will need to be addressed at some point. BS has told WS that we know and as w/ the original confession WS doesn’t want any ‘elephants’ in the room. WS will likely be the one to bring it up, I just want to be prepared w/ an appropriate/tactful response.

 

as far as stepping back, 2 things:

 

1. we are ONLY involving ourselves as requested by the couple. they approach us/ask us/initiate conversations re. affair---not us! we are NOT playing 'marriage counselor' etc...we are also remaining successful at maintaining our B4A (before affair) friendship w/ them. ie. dinners/drinks/hangout times together, where affair topic is never brought up.

 

2. as i stated in OP, BS has relatively NO SUPPORT SYSTEM! in part by own choice but regardless this is the reality of the situation. we can't necessarily just 'stepback' because BS would have no one but MC + WS for support. again this is not something we initiated. BS has asked for our support and because we understand the lack of fam/other support networks we have agreed and will not abandon BS.

 

as someone w/ limited close family relationships i can empathize completely w/BS re. needing supportive/present friends. if we were family would the 'stepback' approach be viewed the same?

 

i hope i'm not coming off defensive just trying to clarify the situation. this is a whole new world for me and my spouse. we just want to be as positive and loving as we can be for our friends, while remaining true to ourselves.

[jnj express]

WS is trickle truthing----why WS is doing this only WS can tell you----there are numerous reasons for trickle truth. The whole story, including all details about everything from beginning to end, needs to be disclosed, before BS can even start to heal. Too many D-Days could wreck any chance of R. If you have any sway with WS, get him/her to tell the whole story and get it out there, BS should not have to leave anything to the imagination.