I do not want to go to jail by hurting this guy to leave me wife alone what do i do?

[tg0623]

Well first off hello to everyone. I am in a bind right now, i have no one to talk to about this and i do not want to bottle this up inside and get all stressed out.

 

5years ago my wife cheated on me, we got through it and it has been again 5 years since that. We had another daughter in this time so i know we are good at keep the marriage especially what i went through. She wanted to be with me in the end.

 

Well, 5 years ago we went on a vacation to cancun. have not been on a vacation since. Well, turns out we are now going to leave this weekend to go to cancun for a week. We both are excited and i really wanted to make her happy on this trip. I just stopped drinking all on my own for almost a month now. I did this for my health and to make her happy because the drinking a 6 pack a day turned me into an a##.

 

Well, here is the dilema now, last Friday night i get home and were both happy. i go to bed, wake up in the morning and go get a cup of coffee. To my surprise i find a reciept stuck inbetween the car door. so i pull it out and its a note from this guy from 5 years ago. The note says its me, here is my email write to me soon.

 

Of course i had gotten mad but not at her i gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking he came to her. I was really ticked off because he came to the house. He had to have actually pay one of those people finder websites i am thinking. But to me the whole ordeal is a threat!!!

I woke my wife up and told her about it and she was mad at the guy. I go on the pc to check to see if he is trying to comunicate to her by email. Of course he had found that out as well. there was an email saying basically what the little note said. I then blocked him from anything online, i am pretty decent with the computer :0)

I tell her that its not okay to write back to him, she agrees and then says just let it be he will get the hint. So now i am okay until late that saturday night. i went to bed at 11 she stays up. well sunday morning no new emails i am actually happy seemed to be working.

Then monday morning comes along, i check the email and he wrote back. i read the email and now i am ticked, he is stating he misses her thinks of her, wants her number, when they can meet up again, for her to send flattering pictures and leaves his work number. few minutes later he sent another email stating that the first email was a bit much and that he understood if she did not want to talk to him. Well, i check the bottom of the email and i see that it was a reply from an email she had sent to him the other night after i went to bed!!!!

I woke her up screaming mad. told her to cancel the trip and that i was now leaving her, the house and my children. she is now upset saying she should have never done that. I leave the house cause now i want to hurt him. i took his work number and called and left a verbal message with a co worker of his since they dont have voice mail. i stated that he needs to leave my wife alone, not to come to my house or contact her at all otherwise i am coming to his work and hes going to get hurt.

 

I then come home to talk to her, she now wants to write an email telling him to leave her alone. She asks me what do you want me to say... I got mad and said what>????? you should know what to say!!! so she writes this email stating leave me alone dont contact me dont come to my house and have a good life... Have not heard from him since but i believe either A shes going to get another email without me knowing or B this guy is going to wait a while and come back thinking i will forget...

 

I talked to my wife saying i am not okay with any of this it needs to stop and she needs to stop taking this so lightly. she agreed and says she doesnt want to talk to him nor see him or anything... but i dont trust her now or what she says because she lied right to my face saying she was not going to email him or contact him...

 

So i saved all the emails and the note and dont know what to do... I want to go and hurt him badly. but i do not want to go to jail. What can i do to get him to leave us alone???? can some one help me out? I dont want to get into trouble but this guy wont stop until i get involved or something happens.

 

P.S. i was told he has a kid now not sure if he is married but i did some searching and found out he has his main house in washington and i believe he is only here in illinois for short time since he is in the armed forces.... i was thinking of making a package with the emails and note and send it to the washington address incase he does have a wife she will see it and when he gets home whenever he will get in trouble.

Also, since he is in the armed forces can i contact them and get them to stop him?

 

I still dont believe her that she doesnt want to go after him cause i know she wants this trip and i am afraid to come home and then things get worse. If he trys again next week when were gone i am just going to go and hurt him severly no matter the consequences i dont want to have this stress...

 

Thank you very much

[2sure]

Stop.

 

This isnt happening because of him. He could be anyone.

You need to stop your wife from contacting him in reply. You need to make it so that he is unable to contact her. Change your wife's email. She lied and hid this, so get her passwords. Change her phone.

 

Definitely send copies of everything to his home in the event he is married or has a SO.

 

There a many other things you need to do, whether you choose to save your marriage or not...

[taylor]

I still dont believe her that she doesnt want to go after him

 

Herein lies your problem. This is where your focus should be. Not on the OM.

 

If you want to get mad and hurt someone, it should be her.

 

If you want to get the situation under control, you need to get HER under control.

 

If you want this to end, SHE is the one you need to convince.

 

Your wife is giving this man green signals.

 

She could just as easily ignored his little note and steered clear of a reply.

 

But she didn't. She gave him the A-OK.

 

You are picking the fight with the wrong person.

 

Put your energy in the right direction...towards your wife. Find out why she chose to step over the line and then lie to you about it.

 

Get you and her into marriage counseling ASAP.

 

Threatening the OM will do no good if your wife continues to want to give him green lights and lie to you about it.

[tg0623]

It is him i know 100% it is the same guy. He left his full name which is the same name he had 5 years ago. I have been watching her emails, and phone records for the last 4 years and nothing till this past weekend.

 

I want to contact the armed forces and see what they say about one of there own creating a mess like this, i thought they do not play around with adultry in the forces...

 

What can i do with the police on a matter like this?

 

I already took owner ship of that email account and i also have the gps tracking on her phone turned on just incase. I will also be putting up a couple cameras around the house as well.

 

I also got a hold of one of those keylogger programs that copys every key stroke typed on a pc including emails, passwords. i am going to install this tonight. I can even set it up to send me emails while at work.

 

What would any of you guys do besides physical harm because i think that is the only way but like i said i dont need to go to jail

[Thaddeus]

If you want to get the situation under control, you need to get HER under control.

 

If you want this to end, SHE is the one you need to convince.

 

Your wife is giving this man green signals.

 

She could just as easily ignored his little note and steered clear of a reply.

 

But she didn't. She gave him the A-OK.

 

You are picking the fight with the wrong person.

 

Put your energy in the right direction...towards your wife. Find out why she chose to step over the line and then lie to you about it.

 

Get you and her into marriage counseling ASAP.

 

Threatening the OM will do no good if your wife continues to want to give him green lights and lie to you about it.

This is gold and 100% true.

[taylor]

Stop.

 

This isnt happening because of him. He could be anyone.

You need to stop your wife from contacting him in reply. You need to make it so that he is unable to contact her. Change your wife's email. She lied and hid this, so get her passwords. Change her phone.

 

Definitely send copies of everything to his home in the event he is married or has a SO.

 

There a many other things you need to do, whether you choose to save your marriage or not...

 

Agree with you 2Sure, BUT,

 

It's the WIFE that should be making it impossible for the OM to contact her. It's the wife that should be changing her e-mail and phone.

 

Otherwise, the husband is just playing "police officer" while the wife and OM long for each other and find underground ways to get together.

 

What good is the husband doing by doing all the work to stop contact? It won't stop unless and until SHE WANTS IT TO STOP, irregardless of what he wants or does.

[tg0623]

opps i posted to quick on last comment. just read taylors comment. taylor you maybe right. i said the same thing to her that its like giving a dog a treat once you give that to him he wants more and more.....

 

Here is the other thing when i talk to her about this she gets ticked off. she says i already told you i do want anything to do with him. but then i say you actions speak louder then your words. i told her you need to stop trying to shut me up.

 

I knew i was not wrong by not letting this go. Though now that she sent the letter saying leave me alone. i would hope he will go away. i feel if he doesnt no mercy on his soul because just by him coming to my house is a direct threat in my book. No respect at all from this guy. i should have none towards him.

 

believe me i watching her like a hawk right now.

[Thaddeus]

It won't stop unless SHE WANTS IT TO STOP, irregardless of what he wants or does.

Oh gawd, I hate it when that non-word gets used.

 

But regardless of the grammatical mis-cue, taylor is right. This is her issue. She's got to stop it.

[tg0623]

God you guys are great i have no one to talk to all my friends are happy married and too busy to be bothered by this... i just want to thank you guys for this support please keep it coming... i am soooo glad i found this site.

 

She already told me she wants to shut that email down but i said no i want to see if he trys again. i changed the passwords and security questions so she cannot crack my passwords. her phone number we pay for it to be unlisted i know it doesnt do much but i check the records all the time. if i see a new number i call it. i have no shame lol

 

I just feel unless i hurt this guy he is gonna keep coming around. he thinks i am a sissy but last time he was overseas. Now he is actually here in distance for me to beat him severly.

[tg0623]

she already has wrote that email in front of me and sent it stating leave me alone stop contacting me dont come to our home, me and my husband are happy now, have a good life!

 

of course it was all capitals and bold face )

[boldjack]

Dude, chill!! This guy isn't your problem, your wife is. You need to find out how long this contact has been going on and find out now. Your wife is still cheating on you, even now. She is either maintaining contact with him, or has renewed it. Tell her you need to know every detail or you will make her leave, and DO IT!! If you take control of your marriage, this guy won't be around. BTW, if he is married or in a relationship. tell him you will narc him out to his SO, if he communicates with your wife, one more time, then DO IT!! Take no excuses, listen to no lies. Man-up and take control. Good luck

[taylor]

What would any of you guys do besides physical harm because i think that is the only way but like i said i dont need to go to jail

 

I wouldn't touch a hair on his head. Beating him up isn't going to stop her from wanting to be with him. In fact, it may make her want him more. And it may just put you in a really bad light in her eyes.

 

You have already done some good things..the keylogger, checking her communications. You need proof of an affair so that she can't deny it when you approach her about it. She will lie again.

 

Instead of using your fists, use your mouth. Sit your wife down and start communicating. You need to get to the bottom of this. Sounds like he is tempting her with another affair and she likes the sound of that. You need to find out why she would be interested in stepping out on you again. And you need to inform her of the consequences should she decide to do it again.

[Thaddeus]

GNow he is actually here in distance for me to beat him severly.

Resorting to physical violence - as satisfying as it might feel - will only get you time in the slammer. You'll be behind bars while your wife and this other dude will be free. And I don't think that's what you want.

 

I've worked in the prison system. Trust me on this, you REALLY don't want to go there, ok?

 

I strongly suggest marriage counselling. Talk to your doctor or minister (if you're so inclined) and they can probably set something up.

[stuckinoz]

If you have to work this hard - & focus ALL your energy on getting her to stop......What's the point? I mean really. Either she wants to, or she doesn't. You can't MAKE someone do anything.

Just like you can't MAKE him stop - you can't MAKE HER. She has to want to.

Killing, injuring, maming him isn't going to do you one hill of beans worth of good. If he does have a wife - then I suppose she could help on her end. (if she cares to spend this much time & effort)

 

I guess I think that the bottom line is.........IF this much energy needs to be WASTED to get her to stop this - what is the point?

 

AND........what if she stops - FOR NOW? Do you want to live the rest of your life checking, double checking & triple checking what she's doing every hour of every day - Just to make sure it doesn't happen again?

[taylor]

Oh gawd, I hate it when that non-word gets used.

 

But regardless of the grammatical mis-cue, taylor is right. This is her issue. She's got to stop it.

 

Thanks for the grammar lesson, Thaddeus. I deserved that!

 

Now if I can just remember to put question marks at the end of my questions!

[utterer of lies]

 

long story.

 

 

 

 

You didn't seem to get it from the other answers, so I will state it clearly:

 

The problem is YOUR WIFE, NOT this/some guy.

 

 

You can do whatever you want, as long as she is willing, nothing will work. My best advice is to leave her immediately. Maybe then she will come to her senses, and if not, at least you got before you got burned a second time.

 

One would think the first time taught you, but obviously it didn't.

[taylor]

she already has wrote that email in front of me and sent it stating leave me alone stop contacting me dont come to our home, me and my husband are happy now, have a good life!

 

of course it was all capitals and bold face )

 

She may have done this just to appease you..to get you off her back...to make you relax.

 

You don't know what's in her heart.

 

Don't relax! Sit her down. The two of you need to talk.

 

Your marriage is going nowhere without honest two-way communication.

[PhoenixRise]

I don't blame you for being royally pissed off. This man came to your home to entice your wife. I would be mad too. It is extremely disrespectful.

 

Having said this, why is it OK with your wife for another man to disrespect you at your own home this way?

 

Why isn't she outraged and reading this other man the riot act for leaving little notes on your car.

 

Why isn't she just as interested as you are in defending the marriage.

After all, your marriage was damaged before as a result of her actions.

 

I agree with the other posters, your wife is the main problem here. Beating the OM up will do you no good if your wife is secretly encouraging the contact.

[taylor]

I knew i was not wrong by not letting this go.

 

.

 

This sentence you wrote is very telling.

 

So, you have been policing your wife for 5 years. Sound like TRUST was never restored in your relationship following the first infidelity.

 

Did you and your wife seek marriage counceling after the first affair?

 

Obviously you do not believe your marriage ever recovered if you still had reason to question her..reason to not trust her.

 

Sounds like the same issues that were in your marriage before and directly after her affair are still sticking around...Sounds like alot of stuff was never resolved.

 

All the more reason for MC.

 

I don't agree with the knee-jerk reaction of kicking you wife out while emotions are running high. Get into MC, sort thru things, and make a calm clear decision on whether you want to give her another chance and work on your marriage together..or kick her to the curb and be done with it.

 

No respect at all from this guy. i should have none towards him.

 

You are entitled to be raging angry at him and to have thoughts of doing bodily harm to him. He couldn't have disrespected you or your marriage in a worse way, except perhaps with a full blown physical relationship with your wife.

 

But doing him bodily harm and verbally threatening him is stooping to his level. Take the high road. Ignore him and focus on the real problem...your wife.

 

Maybe down the road you will have a chance to tell him what you think of him. But right now is not the best time...not when the situation is so volatile.

 

believe me i watching her like a hawk right now.

[pkn06002]

hummm Let me get this right you called his work and left a message with a 3rd party that he better back off or you will hurt him??? Now you want to get the police involved so he stops contacting your wife? If anything he can now contact the police and get you in trouble since you threatened him and were stupid enough to tell a 3rd party to deliver the message.

 

As others have stated deal with your wife that is where the problem is. Everything is NOT as good as you think it is.

[mark982]

buddy, if you want revenge on this other man,the worst thing you got going for you is your mouth.you don't tell anyone what you're going to do.now if you do anything,you're screwed,even if someone else does you're still in deep crap. i guess you new at this revenge stuff. but you're main problem is you wife. she's apperantly giving him positive signals somehow.

[tg0623]

Wow guys so much too read sorry i had to get some work done for a bit.

 

 

Just to fill you guys in, He came to us she has not been trying to contact him at all i have been watching her.

 

I have to ask this as well. i think you guys may be correct on this now that i think about it.

 

Last night i got home after shopping with her and after the kids are asleep i said now we can talk. she kinda cocks an attitude about it like Talks about what! I already told you i dont want anything to do with him, i am not going to contact him. but how can i believe her when she just told me that the other day but still went ahead and sent an email. when i comfronted her on that she says it was just a friendly email. i said what right do you have being friendly with this guy after what happened, i said you do know this is not okay.

 

So i try talking to her but she wont talk just gives yes no answers.

[tg0623]

You know what guys... i think i will go with her to cancun and when we get there, i will tell her you go your way and i am going mine, oh by the way honey i wont be going home with you i have every intention on staying here, have a good life.

 

Now i am pissed off again... I feel once we get back its going to start all over again,,,

[tg0623]

Let me ask this as well, if she is so short on answers and does not want to talk about it doesnt that mean it is true she wants something with him? seems like she is just trying to get me to shut up...

[confusedinkansas]

You are OBVIOUSLY & RIGHTFULLY pissed......But going to Cancun & breaking the news to her like that can't possibly be the answer to this.

You are somewhat knee jerking right now.

 

Perhaps GO to Cancun...Enjoy yourself....TALK TO YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!

Use some of the advice you've gotten here & actually sit down & have a conversation. Kind of an expensive place to have a conversation - but cancelling trips now-a-days is near an act of God. So - perhaps .........Chill......Take a deep breath & THINK before you do what you just posted you'd do to her.

 

............OR......... go to Cancun alone so you can have some time to think.