I do not want to go to jail by hurting this guy to leave me wife alone what do i do?

[tg0623]

What about this though, if i do not see her emailing him nor any phone calls then what do i think? Even though she gives me short answers of yes and no and no what so ever reassuarance like " honey i really dont want anything to do with him you have nothing to worry about, the last thing i want is for you to be mad and worry about anything"

 

could it be she does not want anything to do with him but yet doesnt want to keep talking about it? kinda like she wants it to go away but if i keep nagging on it wouldnt i push her away?

[tg0623]

I know she really wants to go on this trip wether i have anything to do with it or not she was kinda upset when i said cancel the damn thing... I tried that sit down conversation last night and it was horrible. I felt as if i was pissing her off by tring to get answers i need to get so i can stop stressing on this.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why do all of that, why not just divorce her and cancel the trip. Doesnt sound like she's remorseful at all. and her anger stems from her guilt. If this is her second time cheating, this wasnt a mistake it was her choice. and if that's the case she does not need to be married. I would run from this woman as fast as possible.

 

Cancel the cancun trip, drain all the accounts, find a lawyer and start gearing up for a divorce.

 

Doesnt sound like the marriage is even gonna survive anyway's might as well end it altogether.

[pkn06002]

OK was last night a "conversation" or an "interrogation"? I get the feeling is was the last not the first.

 

Why did you stay together the first time?

[stuckinoz]

What about this though, if i do not see her emailing him nor any phone calls then what do i think? Even though she gives me short answers of yes and no and no what so ever reassuarance like " honey i really dont want anything to do with him you have nothing to worry about, the last thing i want is for you to be mad and worry about anything"

 

could it be she does not want anything to do with him but yet doesnt want to keep talking about it? kinda like she wants it to go away but if i keep nagging on it wouldnt i push her away?

 

Ok - if you want to look at it from that angle - Perhaps just 'watching & waiting' - then you'd have your answer. But you still will have to be the POLICE...of the situation.

 

OK was last night a "conversation" or an "interrogation"? I get the feeling is was the last not the first.

 

Why did you stay together the first time?

 

EXCELLENT QUESTIONS......By the "tone of the posts" from OP - I do wonder if he hasn't gotten in her face (not that she doesn't deserve it) But there are other ways to have grown up conversations than to "interrogate" them. And....WHY did you stay together?

[tg0623]

i was a heavy drinker 6 pack to a 12 pack a night... i stopped taking her out, was a complete ahole to her all the time. she ventured out i guess she had met him from the school she was going to at the time.

 

She is not cheating at the moment.... He came to her last friday night, he left a note, he contacted her by email. i asked her not to email, she did. I got mad, she said she wont do it anymore. she was not seeing him or anything. we have two small children she doesnt leave the house. i am putting cameras up before we leave for the trip to view when we get back.

 

I do not want to blow up on her tonight but i feel i have too. I do not think her short answers, her guilt, lack of companionship is tollerable to me now. I tried to have a conversation with her. i told her number one ruler is communication and we dont have it. i told her i want to bring her happiness, i stopped drinking a month ago to make her happy yet i did calm down alot through the year but yet i just stopped cold turkey not alot of people can do this. I told her i want us to be happy next week and become a couple together. when i was talking like this to her she really was looking into my eyes and seemed very surprised i was soo sincere..

 

God help me

[hopesndreams]

Why would this guy, slimeball back into your wife's life after 5 years? We all know the answer to this. She initiated contact! She wants another affair with him. It was fun the first time, she is missing something in her life, and wants the games to begin! How can a slimeball say no? He can't! Is it his fault? Can you control slimeball's actions? NO. Does slimeball figure you into all this? NO. Why would he? He didn't the first time, and won't do any other time.

 

This is her 2nd go around with this guy but you stepped in and thwarted her plans. She's now angry with you and shows it in her actions. As soon as your back is turned and your policing has quieted down, she will be back in contact.

 

What to do to show her you really mean business? Threats don't work. MC will only work if both want it. Get the wheels in motion. Call a lawyer, get the divorce papers ready and present them to her. That will be her wake-up call. She will then either go strict NC with this guy, you both get into MC or she will just accept the end of her marriage. There is no point playing around with your wife, this is her 2nd time doing this, or wanting to do this. She needs the consequences of her actions.

 

The OM, is nothing really. It's her that matters, it's her that needs to be dealt with.

[taylor]

i was a heavy drinker 6 pack to a 12 pack a night... i stopped taking her out, was a complete ahole to her all the time. she ventured out i guess she had met him from the school she was going to at the time.

 

She is not cheating at the moment.... He came to her last friday night, he left a note, he contacted her by email. i asked her not to email, she did. I got mad, she said she wont do it anymore. she was not seeing him or anything. we have two small children she doesnt leave the house. i am putting cameras up before we leave for the trip to view when we get back.

 

I do not want to blow up on her tonight but i feel i have too. I do not think her short answers, her guilt, lack of companionship is tollerable to me now. I tried to have a conversation with her. i told her number one ruler is communication and we dont have it. i told her i want to bring her happiness, i stopped drinking a month ago to make her happy yet i did calm down alot through the year but yet i just stopped cold turkey not alot of people can do this. I told her i want us to be happy next week and become a couple together. when i was talking like this to her she really was looking into my eyes and seemed very surprised i was soo sincere..

 

God help me

 

If you stop drinking and she stops cheating and lying...

 

AND you both start communicating like you did here...your marriage has hope..a chance.

 

Hate to sound like a broken record..but the best thing you and your wife can do at this point is make an appt. for MC and GO. Learn how to communicate effectively. Learn how to bond emotionally. Learn how to be affectionate to one another.

 

Communication is KEY.

[confusedinkansas]

i am putting cameras up before we leave for the trip to view when we get back.

 

Then what? What do you do with the information you gather? Being the "Police" in a marriage is a very exhausting task & if you are willing to go to this length to "catch her" (which she probably isn't bringing him to the house if you have children)..........

You're right - God Help You.

[pkn06002]

Simple question why do you want this marriage so bad???

[Dexter Morgan]

tg0623

 

instead of wanting to hurt the OM, maybe its your wife you need to deal with.

 

anger

[Dexter Morgan]

tg0623

 

instead of wanting to hurt the OM, maybe its your wife you need to deal with.

 

anger at someone that slept with your spouse is highly understandable.

 

but in the end, it was your wife that REALLY f#cked you over.

 

if you want physical harm to come to the OM, then you should want the same for your cheater of a wife.

[taylor]

She initiated contact!

 

You don't know this! Perhaps he sought her out because a relationship he was in turned sour. You don't know.

 

 

 

What to do to show her you really mean business? Threats don't work... Call a lawyer, get the divorce papers ready and present them to her. That will be her wake-up call.

 

Threatening divorce IS a threat.

 

I think this is the worst course of action if your goal is reconciliation and recovery. It's a$$-backwards thinking. You don't tell someone you want to split up and go thru the trouble of legally doing it if your goal is the opposite..to stay together.

 

After my EA, if my husband had presented me with divorce papers, I would have taken the threat seriously...concluded that's what he really wanted, and signed the papers on the spot.

 

Don't threaten divorce unless that is your goal.

 

If it's reconciliation/recovery..seek a MC, not a lawyer.

 

I think contacting a lawyer now when emotions are running high will just confuse matters even more. Let the dust settle a little, get your head on straight, and then decide what you want.

 

Decisions made under emotional duress are usually the wrong decisions.

[hopesndreams]

You don't know this! Perhaps he sought her out because a relationship he was in turned sour. You don't know.

 

I just call em like I see em and I bet I'm right.

 

 

Threatening divorce IS a threat.

 

I think this is the worst course of action if your goal is reconciliation and recovery. It's a$$-backwards thinking. You don't tell someone you want to split up and go thru the trouble of legally doing it if your goal is the opposite..to stay together.

 

After my EA, if my husband had presented me with divorce papers, I would have taken the threat seriously...concluded that's what he really wanted, and signed the papers on the spot.

 

Don't threaten divorce unless that is your goal.

 

If it's reconciliation/recovery..seek a MC, not a lawyer.

 

I think contacting a lawyer now when emotions are running high will just confuse matters even more. Let the dust settle a little, get your head on straight, and then decide what you want.

 

Decisions made under emotional duress are usually the wrong decisions.

 

He has been through this once before though. He knows the drill. He recovered, kinda, after her 1st affair, now all the pain is back for round 2. What's the worse that can happen with presenting her with divorce papers? Oh yeah, she'll say ok, let's go ahead, and divorce. That would mean freedom for him and a chance of a relationship with someone who will love and respect him.

[taylor]

He has been through this once before though. He knows the drill. He recovered, kinda, after her 1st affair,

 

No, he didn't recover. He was never able to trust her after the first affair. He's been policing her for 5 years. Trust is a huge part of the recovery process. If you can't trust again, you are not recovered.

 

That is why I ask how much work did they do as a couple to recover from the first infidelity. If they did nothing...he continued to down 12 packs and she remained uncommunicative...then their marriage probably just limped along for the past 5 years. Nothing got resolved. No surprise that she was CONTEMPLATING stepping out on him again.

 

What's the worse that can happen with presenting her with divorce papers?

 

If the goal is divorce, nothing is wrong with it.

 

If the goal is reconciliation, he is headed down the wrong path.

 

Either contact a lawyer and divorce or contact an MC and shoot for reconciliation. It's possible, thru MC, that they will both draw the conclusion that the marriage is not recoverable. But at least they would be making that decision after emotions settle down and with greater clarity.

 

I don't like threats. Bad approach, IMO.

[Darth Vader]

It is him i know 100% it is the same guy. He left his full name which is the same name he had 5 years ago. I have been watching her emails, and phone records for the last 4 years and nothing till this past weekend.

 

I want to contact the armed forces and see what they say about one of there own creating a mess like this, i thought they do not play around with adultry in the forces...

 

What can i do with the police on a matter like this?

 

I already took owner ship of that email account and i also have the gps tracking on her phone turned on just incase. I will also be putting up a couple cameras around the house as well.

 

I also got a hold of one of those keylogger programs that copys every key stroke typed on a pc including emails, passwords. i am going to install this tonight. I can even set it up to send me emails while at work.

 

What would any of you guys do besides physical harm because i think that is the only way but like i said i dont need to go to jail

 

 

Yes, contact the armed forces, he needs to be punished for screwing your wife. I'm surprised that you didn't do it 5 years ago! If you're in Illinois, you're screwed in court, even though she cheated, she'll get custody of your child in that crooked state! Are you sure that it's your child?!

[MistyK]

Focus. Your problem is your wife. Contacting OM behind your back isn't a good sign. It sounds like you've been on eggshells expecting another d-day any moment for the last 4 years. Is any of this really worth it for her? Really? Is she that great? I doubt it.

 

Has it occurred to you that maybe you're being played? Maybe they set this up to set you off so you do hit him and go off to jail. Then those two ride off in the sunset with YOUR kid, whom you'll lose custody of due to your assaultive behavior.

[Bryanp]

The OM left his name and address on the note so I would contact his commanding officer.

 

The fact that he contacted her after 5 years is suspicious. The fact that he came to your house makes me wonder if during the affair she did not take him to your home. The fact that she said she just emailed him back a friendly email says it all. Five years ago she put your health at risk for STD's and betrayed your marriage in the worst way possible. Five years later you made it quite clear for her not to response to him after he contacted her again and she did it anyway. It seems pretty evident she is not that committed to you.

 

How could she not think that this would be so disrespectful and hurting to you? If the roles were reversed how do you think she would be feeling? Again the fact that she emailed him back again indicates she is still very interested in him. She knew you would blow up and rightfully so. The fact is she did not care if you got mad. Her priority was to continue contact with her previous lover. The facts seem pretty clear.

[Thaddeus]

The OM left his name and address on the note so I would contact his commanding officer.

I don't want to hijack the thread here, but I'm curious about this.

 

What could the CO possibly do? Is there some sort of requirement about people in the armed services in this regard? I'm honestly curious, I've never heard of this.

[Bryanp]

It is against the military code. The OM would be demoted and/or possible kicked out of the service.

[Thaddeus]

It is against the military code. The OM would be demoted and/or possible kicked out of the service.

OK, thx, didn't know that.

[Darth Vader]

The OM left his name and address on the note so I would contact his commanding officer.

 

The fact that he contacted her after 5 years is suspicious. The fact that he came to your house makes me wonder if during the affair she did not take him to your home. The fact that she said she just emailed him back a friendly email says it all. Five years ago she put your health at risk for STD's and betrayed your marriage in the worst way possible. Five years later you made it quite clear for her not to response to him after he contacted her again and she did it anyway. It seems pretty evident she is not that committed to you.

 

How could she not think that this would be so disrespectful and hurting to you? If the roles were reversed how do you think she would be feeling? Again the fact that she emailed him back again indicates she is still very interested in him. She knew you would blow up and rightfully so. The fact is she did not care if you got mad. Her priority was to continue contact with her previous lover. The facts seem pretty clear.

 

 

I agree. Even with the crooked laws in your state, I think divorcing her would be the best thing, at least for your sanity! It's apparent that she doesn't love you, she's clearly not accepting responsibility for her actions. You're right, actions speak louder than words, her clamming up and doing the one, two answer words is BULL!

 

 

Have you informed his command?

 

 

Something's wrong here!

[Darth Vader]

It is against the military code. The OM would be demoted and/or possible kicked out of the service.

 

 

So that's why it's Illegal. I thought there was more to it than that.

[lkjh]

Dude, if you have access to her email, why don't you read the email?

[Thornton]

It's possible that he contacted her out of the blue... but it's also possible that she initiated contact somehow. Your wife will of course insist that he initiated contact, but perhaps you should hear his side of the story too. The fact is that after having told you she was staying away from him, she still continued to email him and give him encouragement, and who knows what else she's been doing. The problem is mostly her fault, because she could have solved it at any time by seriously telling OM to go away.

 

You shouldn't have to police your relationship and force her to be faithful - she should want to be faithful, and she should be the one telling OM to go away, not you - it needs to come from her if he's to take any notice. You're fighting a losing battle in trying to keep them apart if your wife isn't even on your side. Tbh if I were in your situation I'd either expect her to behave better and stay away from OM, or divorce her - I wouldn't be going around playing police officer because it would wear me down. Either she loves and respects you or you get divorced, end of story.