shameful addiction destroying marriage!!

[levharius]

hello. all my life i have been ashamed of what i am. i am a bi-sexual man. i realized this in my teens, i am 22 married with two children that i care for very much. my shamwfulness caused me to hide my feelings about it from my wife.i would never have an emotinal bond with a man, its it purly sexual. i told her i was bi before we even got together, she accepted it as long as i told her if i had any urges. at times i would get online and chat with men on craigslist, i never met with them but that gave me my satisfaction. my wife found the emails multiple times and wondered why i never confronted her about it. it was shame and fear of hurting her is what made me go in my shell. even after i was caught i kept doing it and doing it. im on the other side of the country now and my addiction got the best of me, i met with a guy and i couldnt control myself. even when my wife came to visit she offered a threesome and i didnt take it because i was afraid to do stuff in front of her. we are having a really difficult time now and arent talking for awhile. i never saw myself as a cheater.. i hated people who did it!! why did i become the monster i never wanted to be? i need help with my problem and am so lost without my wife and kids. do i deserve anything? what should i do? please there has to be someone who can help me. i love my family so much.

[sxyNYCcpl]

I swear I read a post on here a day or two ago that very well may have been your wife.

 

Look, you are what you are. I cannot relate because I am str8, but my wife, like you, is bi. The difference is that she accepts and embraces that side of her, rather than trying to quash and deny it. We are not sexually monogamous, so she is able to be with other women from time to time, and she seems to seriously enjoy that.

 

Before you can fix anything, you need to learn to accept yourself for who you are. Nobody, not me, not anyone else here, not your wife, or any other family members can do that for you, you're on your own. You may benefit from some therapy to help you do that, or you may figure out a way to do it on your own. So you're bi? So f**king what? It is what it is. You are going to have to face that and deal with it regardless of the status of your marriage or anything else in your life.

 

If your wife is genuinely okay with you expressing that side of your sexuality, then the only thing standing in between you and happiness is you. In my experience, it is difficult for truly bisexual people to live a lifetime of sexual monogamy. And those who are successful often end up bitter and resentful because they have merely suppressed their urges while they went unfulfilled. I say figure yourself out, and then roll with it and have a good time.

[Sharbuncle]

being bi sexual isn't an addiction, it's a sexual identity.

you can either accept yourself, or you can pretend it's a problem

 

what you did was WRONG. You had a CHOICE. several, actually.

 

the problem isn't your sexuality.

the problem is your inability to be a truthful, honest person with self control and respect.

 

No, you do NOT deserve what you had.

you can't have a marriage until you can accept who you are.

 

too little too late.

Now you need to focus on living with yourself.

therapy is a good idea.

 

remember you have kids.

think of them now.

[levharius]

i love my children and i love my wife. sharbuncle.. i can accept who i am, i just need to talk to my wife about my feelings more and realize what i have is more important than anything in the world, theray can help my self control, and help me come out of my shell. i just dont know what to do to get my whole family back

[blind_otter]

You are in a very difficult position, I can see, because your mental constructions - your conditioned consciousness is telling you what you "should" be doing, and yet you have these urges to sabotage yourself.

 

When people make mistakes, or they do something that they regret that has serious consequences, they often go into panic mode - grabbing desperately at the shreds of what used to be their lives. This desperation and panic just makes the situation worse. Understand that your wife is hurt, rightfully so, she thought she made it clear that she accepted your tendencies, but your own shame and fear urged you to hide from her, and she now feels deeply betrayed. Give her the space that she needs to process what has happened, and to decide FOR HERSELF what she can and cannot accept from you in terms of your marriage.

 

Understand that consequences are just that - serious stuff that happens directly due to a decision that you made. If you want to repair your relationship it is clear that you need to do some deep reflection and serious soul searching to try to understand yourself, your impulses, and your self sabotage. Is there something you are rejecting or denying about yourself? If not, why are you sabotaging something you feel is so important? I don't know is not an answer. And the truth is, if you do not love and accept yourself, fully - then you do not love and accept anyone ELSE fully, either. It's impossible to do that.

 

A therapist can help you explore these issues without running in circles in your head, but you must know that this road will be long and hard. You will be discouraged at times. But something worth having is worth fighting for, yes?

[levharius]

blind otter... thank you.. while i am at school for the next two months i do need to do alot of soul searching. my wife and children are everything to me, and they are def. worth fighting for. i am also very depressed now that i did something i told myself i would never do and seeing my wife hurt pains me even more. i can learn to love myself, it is just hard being in the military and seeing everyone knowing they are st8 and im a coward and cant accept who i am. i am willing to do anything for my family, no matter what, and to be a strong father and husband. its time for me to grow up.