Heres my story

[jmargel]

Jersey,

 

When did I say disrespect her and oogle women? Stop inserting BS into my replies please. My wife will often tell me 'Oh, he's cute' if she sees a good looking man, and that's fine with me. Same goes with myself, if I see an attractive woman I am going to look. Perhaps you were brought up a different way but looking IS NOT CHEATING. It is not disrespecting.

 

If his wife decides to become a lazy slob then that is her decision. But you can't expect him to do most of the work, try to keep her motivated and yet not become frustrated to the point of possibly wanting out because she just expects him to do all the work while she doesn't do that much. From his thread I'm sure he takes care of those kids alot, so she can't use the excuse that she's tired when he does alot more than her.

 

And HsMomma, I am married. Been 5 years. She knows her roles and responsibilities and I know mine. If she ever became a fat lazy slob who I had to keep prodding to get her butt moving and try to keep her motivated.. well MY motivation would be to get her out of the house and the marriage as fast as possible.

 

In his post he has been trying to help her for a long time, this isn't a poster asking what he can do under the situation that she just turned this way and he doesn't know what his next move is. He tried, she refuses to budge. He needs to stop making life so comfortable for her.

[HsMomma]

And HsMomma, I am married. Been 5 years. She knows her roles and responsibilities and I know mine. If she ever became a fat lazy slob who I had to keep prodding to get her butt moving and try to keep her motivated.. well MY motivation would be to get her out of the house and the marriage as fast as possible.

 

In his post he has been trying to help her for a long time, this isn't a poster asking what he can do under the situation that she just turned this way and he doesn't know what his next move is. He tried, she refuses to budge. He needs to stop making life so comfortable for her.

 

Thanks for the reply, jmargel - I wondered because maybe (just maybe) there is something going on with her that has changed her into this other person. I know when my thyroid problems began, I put on weight, lost energy & sex was a pleasant, distant memory. Luckily for me, my h talked to me about it, convinced me I should go in for a check-up & when we found out that it was indeed the thyroid, the docs put me on a med that made it so that the weight came back off, my energy level went up, and sex was once again something we did instead of something we just remembered! I'm just saying that telling someone to "get off their fat, lazy butt" may not be the answer...especially if something physiological is going on with her.

[whichwayisup]

,,,,and like its hard cause you see women at the gym taking care of themselves and all i can say is why cant she be like that

 

Maybe those women don't have the same stress your wife has. Maybe your wife has a thyroid disorder, or some other medical condition along with the stress that neither of you are aware of. Maybe she's depressed and needs help.

[Vet]

Let me preface this by saying that this isn't an attack on you, the OP. I think you need a wake up call on this situation.

 

It sounds like she's exhausted (kids) and stressed out (job), to which it doesn't sound like you're really helping at all. Flowers? They're nice and all, but if I were in her shoes, I would be thinking, "Great, spend a little bit more of our money on some crap that's about to die." Flowers and empty compliments work when you're dating, not after you've been married for four years. Marriage is called marriage because it's not dating. You cannot reasonably expect things to remain exactly like they were when you were dating. And why would you even want them to? Women are very perceptive, and I guarantee you she has noticed that you're unhappy with her weight and appearance. Wouldn't that piss you off if the shoe was on the other foot with her bemoaning you getting fat but still throwing out disingenuous compliments at every [in]opportunity?

 

I wish you would go back and look at your posts with an objective lens. They reek of "Me, Me, Me" and complaints that all your sexual fantasies haven't been fulfilled. You need a wake up call: marriage isn't all about sex. Sex is an important realization of intimacy, which is something that sounds like you're both having a problem with. A sex therapist will do absolutely nothing for you, because your problem isn't about sex (ok, maybe YOUR problem is the sex, but think about her needs).

 

You need to think to yourself: if she never loses all the weight, if she gains more, what will I do? Can I live with being with someone who is overweight? Are all of my attractions to this person gone because of it? If you can't deal with it, it may be that you were never really attracted to her, just her body. You need to question these things.

[Vet]

Also, kids? Cleaning is nice and all, but if that's really all you're doing, it's no wonder she resents you and doesn't want to have sex with you. If you guys have kids, especially young ones, you need to step up to the plate and help out. You might find that when you do, she's more receptive to your physical advances.

[reddog63]

Also, kids? Cleaning is nice and all, but if that's really all you're doing, it's no wonder she resents you and doesn't want to have sex with you. If you guys have kids, especially young ones, you need to step up to the plate and help out. You might find that when you do, she's more receptive to your physical advances.

 

I been married for 4 years and i must say its everything people told me before i got married. Wife has gained weight, become lazy and sex well yea forget about it most of the time. Im not trying to toot my own horn but its like all thats going on is something that happens to alot of women in my opinion. I take of myself and have not let myself go im workout 6 days a week dress nice groom myself and all. I clean our house i do everythnng vaccum dust mop clean the bathrooms all types of housewor i do. And for being a guy i dont do a guy's night or go out and drink or sit at home and play video games and it kills me so much that its not appreiated by my wife. I still do all the things i did when we were dating bye her flowers for no reason compliment her and it feels like i get nothing in return.

 

When it comes to sex its like hurry up lets do it. And its so frustarting there is so much i want to do and she dosent and my se drive is off the wall. She wants no foreplay and i suggest things and its a no. Sometimes i would love to meet someone who goes through what im going through and just be able to express it face to face but i guess this forum is the next big thing.

 

Is there any women who go through this whats there to do or if you could let me vent would be much appreciated

 

OK.......I pasted the OP post just above. Then I go to your post above his.

It is amazing that any man will get married nowadays!!!!!!!

 

Some of you women sure do infer alot. Sorry, it is difficult for me to read his post then go read yours. How you come to your conclusions about the OP is beyond me. OHHH, thats right..........it is not possible to beleive his situation, it must be something else he is not doing. Ohhh, it is also impossible that it is just what he said........shes become lazy, he does most of the work, the sex is not there.........yea.......must be him. You conclude from what the OP says, to........."it's no wonder she resents you and doesn't want to have sex with you"...........WOW That just blows my mind.

[Jersey Shortie]

Jersey,

 

When did I say disrespect her and oogle women? Stop inserting BS into my replies please. My wife will often tell me 'Oh, he's cute' if she sees a good looking man, and that's fine with me. Same goes with myself, if I see an attractive woman I am going to look. Perhaps you were brought up a different way but looking IS NOT CHEATING. It is not disrespecting.

 

I never said looking was cheating. However, I do think it's disrespectful. Especially since when most men look I doubt it's an objective "oh she is cute" and moving on. Men proliferate their own ability to think about attractive women in sexual situations with them and naked. Women don't do that to nearly the degree that men do. So it would be nice if men started to make a little leap to understand how disconcerting it can be as a woman when the man that says he loves you is always somewhat on the prowl for the new eye candy to look out for.

 

If his wife decides to become a lazy slob then that is her decision. But you can't expect him to do most of the work, try to keep her motivated and yet not become frustrated to the point of possibly wanting out because she just expects him to do all the work while she doesn't do that much. From his thread I'm sure he takes care of those kids alot, so she can't use the excuse that she's tired when he does alot more than her.

 

Do you live in their home and see what goes on? Nope. Neither do I. Maybe he does do more work and maybe he doesn't. Maybe she is still busting her ass for the kids. Chalking it up to him all innocence and her all laziness seems a bit unfair. Especially when he said she does work hard to be invested in their kids. You men get all pissed when women gain weight having your freaking kids and their bodies don't boune back. Well that is reality. Sorry you don't like reality. Not all women have perfect bodies that go back to where men wished them to be. That's a reality we also deal with as women and feel discouragement over regularly. No one wants to be fat and unattractive. But life happens and women aren't just images on a screen abject from imperfections.

 

And HsMomma, I am married. Been 5 years. She knows her roles and responsibilities and I know mine. If she ever became a fat lazy slob who I had to keep prodding to get her butt moving and try to keep her motivated.. well MY motivation would be to get her out of the house and the marriage as fast as possible.

 

Yes because when you get married it tells you "in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad..except when your wife gains weight then you can kick her butt to the curb because how dare she even dare that! You as a man deserve physical female perfections. Now say I do and kiss."

 

 

It is amazing that any man will get married nowadays!!!!!!!

 

Or women for that matter. Men don't make it any easier.

[confusedinkansas]

However, I do think it's disrespectful. Especially since when most men look I doubt it's an objective "oh she is cute" and moving on.

EXACTLY!!

 

 

Do you live in their home and see what goes on? Nope. Neither do I.

 

We're only getting one side of the story.

 

 

Yes because when you get married it tells you "in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad..except when your wife gains weight then you can kick her butt to the curb because how dare she even dare that! You as a man deserve physical female perfections. Now say I do and kiss."

THAT'S HILARIOUS - & If that's the case it damn well better go both ways.

 

Men don't make it any easier.

AMEN!!

 

I think as far as the OP is concerned - It wouldn't matter what his wife did. Kinda don't think anything she did would be enough. He LOOKS & COMPLAINS...way too much.

 

So......what's a man to do when his wife doesn't "take care of herself" - or visa versa for that matter...Whadda ya do?

[Vet]

OK.......I pasted the OP post just above. Then I go to your post above his.

It is amazing that any man will get married nowadays!!!!!!!

 

Some of you women sure do infer alot. Sorry, it is difficult for me to read his post then go read yours. How you come to your conclusions about the OP is beyond me. OHHH, thats right..........it is not possible to beleive his situation, it must be something else he is not doing. Ohhh, it is also impossible that it is just what he said........shes become lazy, he does most of the work, the sex is not there.........yea.......must be him. You conclude from what the OP says, to........."it's no wonder she resents you and doesn't want to have sex with you"...........WOW That just blows my mind.

 

Buddy, I'm not a woman (to speak of inferences). I'm a guy that is married to a woman and has had a lot of relationships before that. All of us are inferring about this guy's situation because he writes very little content and we're on the internet after all, but he does leave a lot of room to read in-between the lines. You apparently didn't read the rest of his posts, to which I will quote for you now:

 

yea i hear that too but its a marriage and i know marriages take work...and yes she has been stressed out with work and kids..really stressed out she hates her job and has been trying to get a new one,,,,and like its hard cause you see women at the gym taking care of themselves and all i can say is why cant she be like that

 

She's stressed out with work and kids. He doesn't mention him doing anything with the kids, or helping alleviate her stress about work. He doesn't mention himself working, but he does seem to have a lot of time to go to the gym and check out women. For these reasons alone, it's not difficult to see why she wouldn't want to have sex with him, especially when he thinks she's fat and lazy. Would you if you were her? He thinks sex therapy is the answer, when the lack of sex is a symptom, not the disease.

[stuckinoz]

 

but he does seem to have a lot of time to go to the gym and check out women. For these reasons alone, it's not difficult to see why she wouldn't want to have sex with him, especially when he thinks she's fat and lazy. Would you if you were her?

 

I don't know many women that would want to have sex with their man when you look at it that way. I agree with you - I look at it this way as well.

Kinda makes me wonder if anything she did would be good enough for this one.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm always interested at how posters on both sides of this issue project their own interests and biases onto the OP's situation. One side (mostly women) assumes that he ignores his children, doesn't care about his wife's needs and mentally screens a 24-hour a day pornagraphic montage starring other women (Hi Jersey!). The other side (mostly men) present him as a cross between Tom Cruise and Mr. Mom and wonder why he's doing all the marital heavy lifting.

 

I would just ask the OP that, rather than being hung up on some idea or "right" or "fair" or "deserved", have you thought about putting your energy into understanding what it takes to get what you say you want? That burden falls on the partner that wants things to change...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey Shortie]

I'm always interested at how posters on both sides of this issue project their own interests and biases onto the OP's situation. One side (mostly women) assumes that he ignores his children, doesn't care about his wife's needs and mentally screens a 24-hour a day pornagraphic montage starring other women (Hi Jersey!). The other side (mostly men) present him as a cross between Tom Cruise and Mr. Mom and wonder why he's doing all the marital heavy lifting.

 

While funny, not completely true.

[Vet]

While funny, not completely true.

 

Actually neither funny nor true.

[Mr. Lucky]

While funny, not completely true.

So partially true ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey Shortie]

I think you are right in the fact that men tend to sympathize and glorify other men more readily then they do with women, and vice versa. Unfortunetly. Both sides look at it as "what if this was me" case and respond emotionally. Is that right or wrong? I guess neither since it's a point of view but I think it would behove both genders to consider the other side. I rarely see that happen here.

[Mr. Lucky]

Good point. I know I'm often guilty of looking at things from a strictly male perspective and many other people's responses seem to fall along gender lines.

 

Although I don't see that happen too much in the OW/OM forum. Instead, the two camps there are BS or AP, gender doesn't seem to matter...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gamine]

Buddy, I'm not a woman (to speak of inferences). I'm a guy that is married to a woman and has had a lot of relationships before that. All of us are inferring about this guy's situation because he writes very little content and we're on the internet after all, but he does leave a lot of room to read in-between the lines. You apparently didn't read the rest of his posts, to which I will quote for you now:

 

 

 

She's stressed out with work and kids. He doesn't mention him doing anything with the kids, or helping alleviate her stress about work. He doesn't mention himself working, but he does seem to have a lot of time to go to the gym and check out women. For these reasons alone, it's not difficult to see why she wouldn't want to have sex with him, especially when he thinks she's fat and lazy. Would you if you were her? He thinks sex therapy is the answer, when the lack of sex is a symptom, not the disease.

 

 

I am so happy to read your post. Thanks for being a voice of reason amongst an otherwise one sided coin!

[me003]

Here is a solution, go for walks as a family. The kids will get out and burn energy, you will get to talk to each other or listen to your iPods, and burn calories at the same time. This will be bonding time for everyone. Buy Bikes and go for bike rides. Fun and get you out of the stuffy house.

 

Sometimes people who are depressed still function in their daily life. She might need medication or they have herbal pills too. And exercise will def help.

 

If after all this you are still not happy with her looks and sex life, then tell her. I think that if you tell her now in the condition that she is in you will break her down more. I know some people respond to hits and blows, while others respond to kindness. You know better than us which of these people she is.

 

I also want to point out that my aunt had a thyroid problem and ballooned. If its a health issue but the sex increases can you live with that? My aunt cleans her house and took care of her 3 kids and her hubby loved her regardless of her body.

[me003]

Just want to say that women are told to be tiny by all the publications. There was even an article where Kelly Clarkson was photoshopped skinnier on Self Magazine.

 

Don't think that she is not told or asked if she is pregnant or comments are not made on how big she got. SOmetimes negative comments make some continue the cycle.

 

This is why I am telling you not to tell her about her weight now. Just buy more fruits and go out for salads. Also, but don't over do it, when she does manage to loose weight complement her on how her skin shines or how her hair looks shinier. Girls love that and makes us feel better and when we feel better the man feels better. Good luck and please think in the long wrong that hurting her now can only make thing worst for you in the future.

[itmustbeme]

I been married for 4 years and i must say its everything people told me before i got married. Wife has gained weight, become lazy and sex well yea forget about it most of the time. Im not trying to toot my own horn but its like all thats going on is something that happens to alot of women in my opinion. I take of myself and have not let myself go im workout 6 days a week dress nice groom myself and all. I clean our house i do everythnng vaccum dust mop clean the bathrooms all types of housewor i do. And for being a guy i dont do a guy's night or go out and drink or sit at home and play video games and it kills me so much that its not appreiated by my wife. I still do all the things i did when we were dating bye her flowers for no reason compliment her and it feels like i get nothing in return.

 

When it comes to sex its like hurry up lets do it. And its so frustarting there is so much i want to do and she dosent and my se drive is off the wall. She wants no foreplay and i suggest things and its a no. Sometimes i would love to meet someone who goes through what im going through and just be able to express it face to face but i guess this forum is the next big thing.

 

Is there any women who go through this whats there to do or if you could let me vent would be much appreciated

 

You know I think you need to have a long talk with your wife. If she has the same attitude as the women that responded to you then I will tell you to divorce her.

 

But maybe just maybe she will change. You need to talk to her and please don't go out looking for someone else. Talk with her and try and fix your problems. But and this is a big but if she is unwilling to try and fix the problem then save yourself a lot of grief and find a woman who will not treat you like a paycheck.

 

I had a marriage just like you. I let it go on too long and I did talk to my now Ex-Wife. She was too tired or too busy or whatever for me. I talked to her but like the women responding to you she just got mad and it got worse.

 

I tried MC but she did not want to go and threatened to divorce me after the last MC session if she had to go with me again. I had tried everything I could think of but nothing worked. Wrote a letter made her mad. MC made her mad. Tried to talk with her but it made her mad.

 

At this point I was no longer in love with her. Now she never did meet my needs and I informed her that I was no longer going to meet any of her needs. I set up a new checking account and had my paycheck put here. Stopped paying for anything for her. No nothing and you know what she did not like that at all.

 

I spent years fighting this fight and I filed for divorce from her. The sad part is when she saw how I was leaving and taking my pay she said she would change. I no longer loved her and we are now divorced. I am much happier because I no longer have to beg her for anything. I do feel bad because I think she loved me but she just did not feel like she should have to have sex with me. And trust me when I say I did not let myself go. I still look young for my age and now I am much happier that I don't have to beg her for anything.

 

But I don't want you to get to that point. If you have a wife who will not work with you and does not like having sex with you then things need to change. No man should put up with that.

 

Just like no woman should be stuck with a man she does not want to have sex with. I did not want to force my wife to have sex with me. I told her that I would rather be divorced than have a wife who did not want to have sex with me. When I filed and had her served she asked me why I filed for divorce?? I told her I did not want to be married to a woman who neglected me for so long that I felt like a ugly pervert that no woman would like to touch or love. She looks at me and said you know you are handsome and women are very attracted to you why do you need sex to prove that?? Again she just did not get it.

 

The sad part is she still calls me and wants to get back together. She says she loves me and that she will try harder. But I felt so unloved for so long that is killed me inside with her. And that is the part women don't understand. This is the way a man knows he is loved and accepted it is not just the physical act of sex. It would be like a poor wife who had a husband who refused to meet her needs. He has no time to talk to her or go to work for her and pay for a home for her. A woman would not put up with that and a man should not stay with a woman who neglects his needs either

[giotto]

You know I think you need to have a long talk with your wife. If she has the same attitude as the women that responded to you then I will tell you to divorce her.

 

But maybe just maybe she will change. You need to talk to her and please don't go out looking for someone else. Talk with her and try and fix your problems. But and this is a big but if she is unwilling to try and fix the problem then save yourself a lot of grief and find a woman who will not treat you like a paycheck.

 

I had a marriage just like you. I let it go on too long and I did talk to my now Ex-Wife. She was too tired or too busy or whatever for me. I talked to her but like the women responding to you she just got mad and it got worse.

 

I tried MC but she did not want to go and threatened to divorce me after the last MC session if she had to go with me again. I had tried everything I could think of but nothing worked. Wrote a letter made her mad. MC made her mad. Tried to talk with her but it made her mad.

 

At this point I was no longer in love with her. Now she never did meet my needs and I informed her that I was no longer going to meet any of her needs. I set up a new checking account and had my paycheck put here. Stopped paying for anything for her. No nothing and you know what she did not like that at all.

 

I spent years fighting this fight and I filed for divorce from her. The sad part is when she saw how I was leaving and taking my pay she said she would change. I no longer loved her and we are now divorced. I am much happier because I no longer have to beg her for anything. I do feel bad because I think she loved me but she just did not feel like she should have to have sex with me. And trust me when I say I did not let myself go. I still look young for my age and now I am much happier that I don't have to beg her for anything.

 

But I don't want you to get to that point. If you have a wife who will not work with you and does not like having sex with you then things need to change. No man should put up with that.

 

Just like no woman should be stuck with a man she does not want to have sex with. I did not want to force my wife to have sex with me. I told her that I would rather be divorced than have a wife who did not want to have sex with me. When I filed and had her served she asked me why I filed for divorce?? I told her I did not want to be married to a woman who neglected me for so long that I felt like a ugly pervert that no woman would like to touch or love. She looks at me and said you know you are handsome and women are very attracted to you why do you need sex to prove that?? Again she just did not get it.

 

The sad part is she still calls me and wants to get back together. She says she loves me and that she will try harder. But I felt so unloved for so long that is killed me inside with her. And that is the part women don't understand. This is the way a man knows he is loved and accepted it is not just the physical act of sex. It would be like a poor wife who had a husband who refused to meet her needs. He has no time to talk to her or go to work for her and pay for a home for her. A woman would not put up with that and a man should not stay with a woman who neglects his needs either

 

well, yes, but if your wife would then agree to have sex with you and you knew she did it only to keep you there (in fact, she would be happy not have sex at all with you), how would you feel? This is the situation between myself and my wife and I can say thet it feels like a pity shag, although the shag is usually very good... Inside me, I feel like I'm being taken for a ride and I know this, but I have agreed. Of course, it's just up to us if we decide to stay, but as far as I'm concerned, when it gets to stage where you have to fight for sex, it's time to pack your bags...

[itmustbeme]

well, yes, but if your wife would then agree to have sex with you and you knew she did it only to keep you there (in fact, she would be happy not have sex at all with you), how would you feel? This is the situation between myself and my wife and I can say thet it feels like a pity shag, although the shag is usually very good... Inside me, I feel like I'm being taken for a ride and I know this, but I have agreed. Of course, it's just up to us if we decide to stay, but as far as I'm concerned, when it gets to stage where you have to fight for sex, it's time to pack your bags...

 

 

I couldn't agree more with this. I did not want pity sex either. I divorced her because I felt horrible about myself. I did not want to subject her to having to be intimate with me anymore. And I did not want to feel rejected by my wife.

 

I guess my point is I do not think women should have sex with their husband if they are not enthusiastic about it. I believe that with all my heart.

 

I also don't think a man should have to be with a woman who thinks it is ok to ignore his needs. My ex did love me and I know she liked the money i made. Just as she did not want to meet my needs I no longer wanted to meet her need for financial support. By the responses by the women you can see why it is a hard subject for both men and women.

 

One of the biggest problems is a lot of women don't think a marriage should end because of a lack of sex to their husband. Men have to decide if this is a deal breaker and for me it was.

 

But I also think men need to make sure they try and resolve the problem and let their wife know just how grave the problem is. I know my wife never realized it until our divorce. It did not matter that I tried for years. She does want us to try again but I just can't trust her anymore.

 

After we were married imagine if I came home and told my wife I don't feel like going to work anymore. I don't feel like working anymore I just want to hang around the house. Well my wife would have hit the roof. She would have told me that I will need to work or she would divorce me. I told her that is what she had done to me with not wanting to nurture our sex life. Went on deaf ears until it was too late.