Wife is seperating I am lost

[eekabug]

Hi all I am new here but have been reading the posts and it has helped me a tiny bit to see there are others in my position but wow this is hard...

My wife of 11 years has told me she loves me but is no longer in love with me and wants to be separated. She has moved into the spare bedroom is using the other bathroom, and it feels like she has been replaced with a cyborg.

I knew she was not happy but did not know the extent of it.

I love her to death and want to save the marriage plus we have a wonderful six-year-old to think about.

I am giving her the space she asked for and trying to respect the boundries she is putting up. She agreed to go to counseling; but has told me she is only doing this because I need someone to talk to(gee thanks).

I even offered to 'let' her see other people without repucrussions. ( she was a virgin when we met).

 

Needless to say I am an emotional wreck and lost. I have never cried this much in my life and am a bit embarassed. But cannot help it.

 

Has counciling worked with one party trying?

[delajoonal]

eek! i don't really want to be the first one to respond with this..Buuuut...

my H and soooo many others have heard those SAME ICKY WORDS!

"i love you, but i am NOT in love with you anymore!"

ding ding...there IS OM???

 

my H had only been with ONE other woman before we married...and i KNOW that has a great deal to do with what he is going thru NOW..a MLC at 39...and many many years of marriage.

 

so..if you can bring yourself to do a bit of spying..JUST to get THAT out of the way...just to make sure there is NO ONE ELSE...check emails, check cell phone bill, etc...

 

only then you can KNOW if it is worth it for your to go to MC, and give her her precious space (crock of crap, mine did the same to me, the spare room, etc.)

he still left, i couldn't contain myself and i was angry and hurt, so he finally left.

 

so you are pretty strong if you can give W her space!

 

anyway...so i hope that wasn't a huge lump in your throat..but i am telling it like IT is..and what happened to me and soo many others...BUT then again, there may just BE NO ONE...alls i am saying is FIND OUT:)

 

ok...please keep posting, and checking back..maybe one of the vets have a better repsonse...

take care...

[LisaUk]

Hi, I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now but you are actually in a much better position, potentially, than you think.

 

Your w is still in the house and hasn't physically moved out. Sure, she has emotionally checked out, but not entirally (sp), otherwise she would not have agreed to MC at all.

 

I would suggest you immediately pull a 180, google divorce busting, all the info about the 180 is there. You need to act like this is ok, that you want to work on your marriage but if she doesn't, then you are going to be ok and move on without her. (Notice I say act). The 180 will give you a set way of achieving this. It will feel like you are doing everything the opposite of what you instinctively want to do, but those on here that have saved their marriages would all give this advice.

 

The other site recommended a lot, particularly if your w has had an EA or PA (has she to your knowledge?), is marriagebuilders.

 

You are in a really good position to pull a 180, because you are still under the same roof.

 

Just one more point, don't belittle yourself by offering for her to see other men. You deserve better than that.

[trippi1432]

Hearing those words are the hardest, but also an eye-opener in trying to figure out what went wrong. I agree with dela, you are strong to give her space in your own home and it will be hard, but the better part is that she hasn't left yet. I have my own 39 yr old MLC going on and mine moved out. Any talk of the relationship only makes him more stubborn and insistent that he cannot come back home.

 

Be careful on the OM/OW syndrome, but do check it out. I've found no instance of this with my situation...yet, but there could be an emotional affair going on as well...thoughts of the "grass is greener". I can tell you, as a woman, I was in that spot years ago, before I got married and my boyfriend, husband now, took the right steps to pull me back before I made any bad choices.

 

Just remember on counseling, there is your story, her story and the truth somewhere in between (or what other's see). Do counseling for yourself to help you, but it is something that may be better done together for the full benefit.

 

Good luck, I hope things work out for you both.

[eekabug]

Thanks for the advice and kind words. I do not believe there is a physical other man. But there could be an emotional one lurking. Who knows.

Every thie I see another family walking around I get choked up. I alternate between crying and hurt every hour( no anger yet).

I will try the advice of being strong but oh god is it hard.

Again thanks for the kind support.

[digitalwizard]

Don't make the same mistakes that I did. You HAVE to be strong and not let her know that you are lost with out her. DO NOT PUSH!!!!!!!!! EVER!!! If you start pushing her; she will just get further away. I know it's hard! I am GOING THROUGH IT right now! My wife is emotionally involved with another man she met online over 2000 miles away. I'm not saying that yours is involved with someone else, but I NEVER thought mine would be, either.

 

Also, like you, I was blind-sided that it was nearly as serious as it was before she pulled the plug. Women obviously look at things differently than men do. You can't fight during the day and make love at night and expect me to know that things are about to blow up.

 

-Wiz

[Gunny376]

Think about it!

 

Litltle girls are spoon fed this crap from the get-go!

 

"Once a upon a time!"

 

Things get tough!

 

The going gets rough!

 

The bills get to pilling up! The money gets short! The boss is talking about the lousy economy, the cut-back in orders, lay-offs!

 

Some 'Joker" two thousand miles away comes along and feeds her fantasies! And she's freaking Alice in Wonderland!

 

Men and women like the ladies like UKLisa are few and far between!

 

"Come what matter, still here or later ~ NOTHINGS GOING TO STOP US NOW ~ type are hard to come by and find!

 

LS ladies are hard to find!

 

Even the one that are self admitted cheaters!

 

They''re for real!

 

They're honest about and with themselves!

[eekabug]

She tells me I am acting like my father in being one of those guys who works all the time. I admit I added an aspect to my business that causes me to work very long hours and the money is not coming in from it yet but in my head I am doing this for my family to try and provide, I don't know.

 

She comes from a home where her parents just announced to her one day that that they were getting divorced( she was 10 or so). Then not too long after her mother moves halfway across the country with the new husband.

 

I think she is acting like her mother and do not want to lose my daughter.

 

But we have had communication problems throught our marriage with the fault always being mine.

[LisaUk]

Hi, did you check out the 180?

The working too much, well that is something that can get a women feeling neglected even if you are providing. See in some womens minds they see you providing, but instead of focusing on that they see an imbalance between work and home life, feel unappreciated, that you are inattentive. You seriously need to pull a 180, trying to reason with her and saying you will cut back on the work hours, now, will have no effect.

 

Pull the 180, do cut vack the work hours, she needs to physically see that and then when things get back on track, go MC to resolve those communication issues.

[Gunny376]

More "red flags" than you will find in Communist China!

 

She's either having an EA or a PA!

 

Or at least thinking about it and has someone in mind!

 

Time to install a key logger on the computer, monitor the cell phone bills, the cell phone.

 

Were it me? I'd get an attorney and have the 'D' papers drawn up and go DefCon4 on her @zz! I'd drop the bomb on her.

 

Of course being a green horn at this, your not going to do that.

 

Piddle~paddle, beg, plead, conjole be her puppet on a string, dance puppet dance!

 

Get back with me in six months, when your sitting around drinking two fifths of anything because what I'm telling you today turns out to be ture!

[eekabug]

Hi, did you check out the 180?

The working too much, well that is something that can get a women feeling neglected even if you are providing. See in some womens minds they see you providing, but instead of focusing on that they see an imbalance between work and home life, feel unappreciated, that you are inattentive. You seriously need to pull a 180, trying to reason with her and saying you will cut back on the work hours, now, will have no effect.

 

Pull the 180, do cut vack the work hours, she needs to physically see that and then when things get back on track, go MC to resolve those communication issues.

 

What is the 180?

[MrMayI]

heed gunny's words. it's all truth. it may not even take 6 months for you to find out what you don't want to. it only took me about a week after my wife left, and i went defcon4 on her a few days ago. stand your ground. i go back and forth in my head about the decisions i've made, but i've done everything i can. good luck.

[tojaz]

I'd do a search on the site for the specifics, but in a nutshell, think 180 degrees, or as Gunny would probably put it ABOUT FACE!!

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

The 180's list

 

This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting:

Quote:

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

 

2. No frequent phone calls

 

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

 

4. Do not follow him around the house

 

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

 

6. Do not ask for help from family members

 

7. Do not ask for reassurances

 

8. Do not buy gifts

 

9. Do not schedule dates together

 

10. Do not spy on spouse

 

11. Do not say "I Love You"

 

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

 

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

 

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

 

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

 

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

 

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

 

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

 

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

 

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

 

21. Never lose your cool

 

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic

 

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

 

24. Be patient

 

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

 

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

 

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

 

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

 

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

 

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

 

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

 

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

 

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

 

34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

 

Basically get busy living your life as though she was never a part of your life to begin with.

 

Work on improving yourself , your life, making the necessary changes that you need to make (which you should be doing anyway ~ with or without her)

 

Personally? The only thing I've ever seen work in getting an ex back (And I've been a student of this for nineteen years) is to go Attila the Hun on them.

 

In the respect of not being nor getting ugly about the separation but to turn your back on them, go cold, deep and silent. In so far as they're concerned? You've just fallen off the face of the Earth and so have they.

 

Then you pick yourself up, put a smile on your face and go on about your life and business as though they were never a part of your life, with an attitude of "Oh! You left me? I hadn't noticed? Oh well?"

 

They will either come back or they won't. If they do? It will be on your terms and not theirs. If they do? They'll come back begging for another chance with you.

 

If they don't? Your better off without them!

 

The one that cares the least? Controls the relationship and the course of the relationship.

 

Having gone through this once, and walking around with my heart on my sleeve?

 

You build up a certain type of immunity to it all?

 

A woman 'walks' on me?

 

"That's all well and good! But understand this, and understand it well! Once you walk out that door? There's no coming back! Ever!"

 

There's not a woman on the planet I can't live without!

 

I did just fine for 22 years before I got married, and I've done just fine (actually better) for the nineteen since I've been divorced.

 

People come, and people go! There's not one monkey that makes a show!

 

The grave yards all full of people we just can't make do without!

 

Ultimately a lot of this is about power and control in the relationship.

 

Go DefCon4 on her, hand her @zz in terms of divorce papers PDQ, and one of two things will happen?

 

One is she'll come running back quicker than you can say don't do it?

 

Or two? She'll be jumping up and down with joy that you did so.

 

Either way? You're going to come out the 'winner'

 

Anything else?

 

Your just dragging a dead horse and saddle around with you everywhere you go!

[LisaUk]

There you go, Gunny has posted the 180 list for you, google divorce busting for more info, I've seen it work twice in the six weeks I have been on here. No garuntee,(sp) but is your best shot.

 

Whatever you decide to do, whether it's 180 or drop the bomb deflon 4 (whatever it's called, think that's a guy reference) what you def don't wanna do, IS BE A DOORMAT, DON'T BEG, PLEAD, TRY TO REASON, TALK IT OUT, won't work, trust me we all did it!

[eekabug]

Thanks . I have had my break down today after talking to my daughter on the phone. Her and my wife are in Fl. for my aunts birthday. I had to work.

These rules make sense esp about not following her around the house.

I will build up some strength and work them.

[eekabug]

I am sorry to vent here but I have put my life into my wife and daughter. I am home after work do not drink to excess I eat too much but I wil lose the weight.

I have never been good at making friends so I had my wife then my daughter so I was content.

since it has been a week since she droped IDLUA bomb I have been lost. I cannot sleep or eat(I need to lose weight) and I am crying constantly.

I am sorry this is rambling but I am not handling this well. I cry and scream in the backroom of my shop, dark dark thoughts cross my mind and my future is bleak. I have a hard time being in the business anymore I have no desire. I started it to try to better my family and my family is in dire straits.

How to make the pain go away? Is there a way? I want to get drunk but I am afraid of myself. I cry for my daughter and want my family. I cry for my wife and want to lovingly hold her again and make her smile; in retrospect it has been a while since she has.

I blame myself and hate myself and feel sorry for my daughter.

They have been in FL this weekend (I had to work) and I cry every time I get off the phone with the wife or daughter.

I am picking them up at the airport tonight and back to the same old rutine of my cyborg wife in the other room and me trying to me strong somehow some way.

.

[lupa]

I am sorry to vent here but I have put my life into my wife and daughter. I am home after work do not drink to excess I eat too much but I wil lose the weight.

I have never been good at making friends so I had my wife then my daughter so I was content.

since it has been a week since she droped IDLUA bomb I have been lost. I cannot sleep or eat(I need to lose weight) and I am crying constantly.

I am sorry this is rambling but I am not handling this well. I cry and scream in the backroom of my shop, dark dark thoughts cross my mind and my future is bleak. I have a hard time being in the business anymore I have no desire. I started it to try to better my family and my family is in dire straits.

How to make the pain go away? Is there a way? I want to get drunk but I am afraid of myself. I cry for my daughter and want my family. I cry for my wife and want to lovingly hold her again and make her smile; in retrospect it has been a while since she has.

I blame myself and hate myself and feel sorry for my daughter.

They have been in FL this weekend (I had to work) and I cry every time I get off the phone with the wife or daughter.

I am picking them up at the airport tonight and back to the same old rutine of my cyborg wife in the other room and me trying to me strong somehow some way.

.

You have two people to take care of right now -- LISTEN TO ME AS I TELL YOU THIS BECAUSE IT IS A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON -- you have two people in the entire world to take care of right now:

 

1) Your daughter

2) You

 

That is it. That is all. Do not concern with her. It is the toughest thing to do (took me two solid months, really), but just start getting your head and your ass moving in the same direction. I die every day. Every single f*cking day I ask "Why why why?" but I have to tell you, each day that passes, I'm not asking it so loud. That voice is dying. I even lament that I'm starting to not care, how messed up is that? I no longer care as much, but now I feel bad about THAT! Ha!

 

Listen to me very carefully -- your life is about your daughter and making sure everything she needs is covered. Then, your life is about sifting through the ashes of what you've become, and finding what you like and bringing that along. Then, and only then, do you even look up to see if you can see your wife.

 

I cannot say this enough, because I am in the middle of it (with no children) that the person who walked is reprehensible, regardless of the reason. Unless you beat her, emotionally abused her, cheated, or did copious amounts of drugs and alcohol (I'm ok with little amounts here and there), that person doesn't have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to stick it out through a tough time.

 

Tell me, please, that even a little of this got through.

[eekabug]

I little did thanks. I can be accused of being distant but I am no abuser.

Thank you I keep re reading and the post. It helps

[eekabug]

Long post...

Well I started working the 180 mon night to today so far. I am not trying to be cold or mad but how do you pull away without seeming so?

I got home at 9 last night from work said hi to w and tried to talk/ hang with my daughter a few min before putting her to bed. After getting her settled my daughter kept making excuses to have my come in her room. I spent some more time with her and finally got her to bed.

W was watching tv in the living room. I sat and tried to have some small talk told her a little about my day but could not keep myself in the room.

So I figured leaving the room before I broke down or something would be prudent. So I said good night to her and went into my (used to be ours) room When she went to bed she told me good night and I said it as well that was that.

In the morning I did not talk to her that much besides good morning.

She left without saying good by and called me when she got to work wondering if I was mad because I didn't talk to her much she doesn't want 'this' to get nasty.

Told her she knows what my goal for 'this'(reconciliation) is but I am giving her the space she asked for and respecting her wishes. I almost broke down but said (out loud)I did not want to cry today and got off the phone.

5 min later she called again and we had a quick conversation about finances(very bad right now). Said we could figure the finances together ( i admit I got excited when she said together. I am nuts) We said we would talk tonight and that was basically it

180 people was I doing OK? I tried to follow the rules ...

[MrMayI]

well, in my opinion of course, you telling her you didn't want to cry today is not anything close to the 180, nor is telling her what your idea of "this" is. me personally, i wouldn't worry about coming across as mean, just try to be indifferent. if she asks if you're mad just say "nope. i'm good", or something to that effect. you'll do more harm crying, letting her know you're crying, sad, wanting to work on things, all of that. don't do it. i've only had a couple of mishaps in my seperation. if you really want it to work, or get yourself better, turn that frown upside down when in her presence. then, go cry somewhere out of her sight if you must. take care. i wish i could say it'll get easier.

[LakesideDream]

Eek, Gunny has been through the wars, literally and emotionally. He knows of what he speaks. Frankly, most of the men here on LS have been through something like you have. There isn't much we as men can do in your position.

 

The things you can do is try to make yourself the best you can be. Work hard and improve your situation both life and emotional as much as you can. In todays rough financial times seperating, or even living together estranged is doubly difficult. Take heart and downsize wherever possible.

 

Take care of your daughter too. She is innocent in all of this. Try to raise her to be a good young lady. You will be able to take pride in that.

 

Good Luck.

[LisaUk]

I got home at 9 last night from work Are you cutting your working hours as she has specifically cited this as a major issue? said hi to w and tried to talk/ hang with my daughter a few min before putting her to bed. After getting her settled my daughter kept making excuses to have my come in her room. I spent some more time with her and finally got her to bed.

W was watching tv in the living room. I sat and tried to have some small talk told her a little about my dayThe 180 says be scarce with words/conversation, going out may be a wise move, you need to make her think you are happy and that your life will go on without her. but could not keep myself in the room.

So I figured leaving the room before I broke down or something would be prudent. So I said good night to her and went into my (used to be ours) room When she went to bed she told me good night and I said it as well that was that.

In the morning I did not talk to her that much besides good morning.

She left without saying good by and called me when she got to work wondering if I was mad because I didn't talk to her much she doesn't want 'this' to get nasty. She is already wondering what is going on, if you play this right you may have a chance

Told her she knows what my goal for 'this'(reconciliation) is but I am giving her the space she asked for and respecting her wishes. You should have said, like in the 180, that you want to reconcile but as she has made it clear she does not you are getting on with your life I almost broke down but said (out loud)I did not want to cry today and got off the phone. You need to act happy as hard as that is.

5 min later she called again and we had a quick conversation about finances(very bad right now). Said we could figure the finances together ( i admit I got excited when she said together. I am nuts) We said we would talk tonight and that was basically it Just act buisness like

180 people was I doing OK? I tried to follow the rules ...

 

Get yourself into the mindset of the 180, you don't have to feel it, you just have to act it, you're ok jack, you're fine, life goes on. Go out with friends, Church etc, make her wonder what you are doing and who with, act happy around her. Can you cut back the work hours, if so, do so, she needs to see this, as it is her major bone of contention! Be careful though, make sure you spend some time at home otherwise she will think you have cut them back to go out to the pub!

 

I know it's hard.

[eekabug]

Get yourself into the mindset of the 180, you don't have to feel it, you just have to act it, you're ok jack, you're fine, life goes on. Go out with friends, Church etc, make her wonder what you are doing and who with, act happy around her. Can you cut back the work hours, if so, do so, she needs to see this, as it is her major bone of contention! Be careful though, make sure you spend some time at home otherwise she will think you have cut them back to go out to the pub!

 

I know it's hard.

Lisa thanks but I think you are wasting your wisdom on me.

I was feeling OK during our conversation(it felt like I was talking to a stranger) it was not all business and not all 180 on my part but she really reiterated she has no respect for me does not love me and does not want to reconcile.

I though I was feeling OK but after my hour or two of sleep I was pacing the house freaking out.

I called my parents at 5:30 am b/c thet do not know and I was desperate and in a dark dark place. I cried like a baby to my parents and I am a 38 year-old man. I cried like a baby on and off till about noon today. At least I got it together for my daughter so I could play with her this morning.

 

I can't really cut my hours that much as I am having business problems as well.

The goodtimes keep rolling.

[LisaUk]

I know how tough it is, I really do, I also now how much worse it gets when all the legals are done, it's 5 months later and you haven't had any contact in 7 weeks, because that's where I am.

 

If I had known about the 180 just after my ex left? (he left before even telling me he was unhappy, see my thread if you like) I would have done it, I would have done anything to try and get him back. You say your w has no respect, like a stranger etc, essentially you are trying to get her back, same principle, you have to draw her back to you.

 

Don't feel bad for crying to your parents, just shows how much you love your wife and there's no shame in that.

 

I do know how terrible it is, my nervous system broke down, had to see the doc my body went into some kind of shock reaction, horrible rash all over, terrible. I didn't sleep for months, I couldn't eat, I lost weight that I couldn't afford to lose, ended up being 7lbs underweight. It is h**l, I do know how you are feeling, but, you still have a chance here if you can muster the strength to go 180. If it helps, when you feel yourself breaking down, just remember what I said about how bad it feels when there is no hope left!