she loves me, but wants to be single - very confused

[Roca04]

My girlfriend and I were together for about 2 1/2 years. We are both 20 (almost 21) and go to the same University. Things have always been amazing between us, not only did we fall head over heels in love with each other, we also became best friends.

 

I thought things were going great, then she suddenly started avoiding talking to me about 2 weeks ago . I knew something was wrong (this went on for about 5 days) until she came over to my place one day and told me that she wants a chance to be single (before we started going out she was in another serious relationship that lasted for 3 years). Needless to say, I felt absolutely heartbroken.

 

She called me the next day to see how I was doing, but I was really angry and too upset to talk. 3 days later she called me and we talked for about 3 hours. She told me that she loves me very much and misses me, but needs time to herself to figure things out. She also told me that things between us were perfect, there was nothing between us that she would change, and she still sees us ending up together. However, right now she doesn't want to be an exclusive couple - she wants a chance to go out and meet new people (not to start a new relationship with anyone, but she is curious about dating) She told me that she thinks that she is an idiot for feeling this way because she loves me to death, but it's something that she feels she must do and in the end it might make our relationship stronger.

 

I really wish I could understand why she felt this way. As if things weren't already confusing enough for me, she starting calling me and sending me messages, and emails everyday after that. When she called to talk it didn't have anything to do about our breakup, more about stuff we'd talk about while we were still going out. At first I was really pleased that she was calling because I missed her so much (I made a promise to myself that since she wanted space, I wouldn't initiate any contact with her). However after about 5 days I realized that this was making me more upset. It became really hard talking to her (I guess everytime we talked I would get my hopes up that she wanted to get back together). Even though I loved hearing from her, it felt like I was taking one step forward and two steps back.

 

I decided that I couldn't keep going on like this. So today when she called me I told her that I thought it would be best if we stopped talking. This was extremely hard for me to do because I love her so much, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to move on with my life if I didn't. I also think that if she wants a chance to be single, she should use this time to see what her life would be like if I wasn't a part of it. This really upset her (she admitted she was doing all that because she missed me and still wanted me in her life), but we both agreed that we should try to go at least one week without talking to each other. She told me that she still loves me more than ever and misses me a lot and that although she is curious about dating, that has nothing to do about her feelings for me. She said that maybe in a few weeks she will have sorted things out and we can begin dating again.

 

I think part of it is that she is a little scared and overwhelmed (we are both under a lot of stress at school, a friend of ours from high school recently got engaged, and my older brother is about to propose to his girlfriend). Maybe she felt like there were too many pressures her life and if she didn't take the time now to experience being single now, she never would. Does anyone else have any possible thoughts about why she would feel this way? I do believe that we still have a chance together and she has said the same thing.

 

I am very confused and would really appreciate any advice anyone is willing give. Thanks

[tbbearcat5]

I know exactly what you're going through, man. My ex told me the same thing. I'm just going to give you my example. Her and I go to different colleges, so it's a little tougher. She is 18, and I am 20. She had been in a relationship of 14 months before ours, which was six months. Her grandma is very sick, their family is selling their farm, ashe may not keep her huge scholarship, and she misses being home (she goes to school four hours from home). She said she needed to find herself and who she is, and that she would date other people. She wants be absolutely sure that I'm the one. "Dating other people" doesn't really mean that she is actively looking for a new guy, like you said, she may just want to feel like what it is to be free, to feel the idea of being single before settling down, which is my thinking on my situation. Now for your situation. Maybe she is thinking you're the one, and just wants to experience life before taking the plunge. That's kinda how I feel. Now I'm not saying she WILL come back to you, but chances are, if she stays this way, she'll be yours again. I don't know when. You can give each other space, but be sure to remain in contact.

 

Stay in contact, plan some times when you both are free and see if you can make plans to hang out, and do fun things. Like you said, with you and your girl are going through a lot in your lives right now, and maybe she wants time to let that blow over, and then she can concentrate on being a couple. Being free and having more time to cope with stresses can give somebody a refresher, and then when she is ready, she will come back. Dating is one way that she can cope with everything. Once she realizes that you make her happy, and only you, she will be yours.

 

I don't know if that will help...I'm not an expert, but I thought I would reply since I am going through pretty much the same thing you are. By the way, I just saw my ex yesterday (she had brought a male friend back home, but they are not dating) and it was kinda awkward for all of us, but it was just nice to see her. You really come to appreciate something more when you don't have it. We had a nice talk, and before I left, we hugged each other, it was the kind of hug that we always gave each other when we were dating.

 

Anyways, again, I hope this helps. God bless, and good luck!

[dlb311]

I just wanted to let you know I am a girl going through very similar things. My boyfriend and I were very serious we had been together two years. He was planning on moving in with me in September after he finished School. It was a stressful time for both of us alot was going on. But a few days after he finished school he gave up. He said he would regret this but didn't know what else to do. Three weeks later we met for dinner and I told him I was glad for the break up because it helped me realize a lot that I was ignoring. And that I wanted to work things out. He said right now I have to be one my own to focus on my career goals and when things are not so shakey if we still feel the same for each other then we should try again. But he needed me in his life as his best friend still. We had a "Great" relationship and he is the one to first say that. I agree whole heartedly. So I tried being his friend talking to him every week. But I was on a roller coaster ride and I just couldn't take it. I wanted him as my lover too. And I didn't understand why we couldn't. Now three months has past us by and things are hard for me without him. About two months ago I let him know I couldn't be just his friend that it wasn't that easy. He was hurt but understood. I then e-mailed him to let him know if he ever changed his mind to please let me know. Because I couldn't imagine life with out him. He e-mailed abotu two weeks later saying he wants me in his life but isn't sure if it could ever be more then friends. I was crushed since when we went to dinner that wasn't what he said at all. Then a few days later he and a relative of mine began chatting on the internet he first told her his feelings had changed and a few days later told her he wasn't sure and hoped that if we are meant to be he hopes he didn't ruin it. So I found him to be confused. But I decided the only thing I could do was to let him go and move on. I asked me Aunt not to contact him anymore. Well a month went by with no contact with anyone contected to me. And he came to my gym at the time he knows I always go. He chatted with him and said he hoped he would see him here. I was nice but short with him. I feel that if he has me not in his life he will realize he needs me in his life. I was very nice but he knows its hard for me. He asked me to Please call him or to e-mail him because I never replied after he e-mailed me. I shock my head like don't count on it. And we went about our work out I haven't heard from him since. But I want him back obviously but not sure if I am going about it the right way. I am hanging in here because I still can't seem to get that I need someone else. He made me so happy and I know we loved eachother more then I could see to people loving one another. I think he got scared and was stressed. I am giving him his space and time he needs. But I feel to keep in touch will only hurt me and let him have it like he wants his cake and eat it to. Well I can have her as my friend so I wont deal with it right now. But he needs to. And so does you ex. Wel let me know what you think. Good luck to us all.

[dutch]

like everyone else who has posted a reply message, i too am going through the same thing. my girlfriend and i had been together for four and a half years. two years ago she saw that we had a relationship like no other, and said that before we got married that she wanted to take time apart to see other people. she had never had the chance to date before i came along, and she didn't want to feel like she missed out on the dating aspect of life. well six months ago she felt like now was the time, and we've been apart ever since. did i think we would be apart for this long? not really, but what can i do? we talk and see eachother a couple times a week or so, but nothing has really changed from six months ago. she has dated one or two guys, but still feels like she needs this time to be single. it hurts like hell when you want to be with someone so bad, but they don't feel the same way at that time. one thing i will say is that your ex, just like mine, wants to take time apart, but wants to know you are there if things don't work out. i know the game, i guess i just choose to play along. it's like i have no willpower when i'm around her. i know she's perfect for me and i guess that's why i'm trying so hard to make things work- no matter how long it takes. now you just need to figure if you want to go through the pain, you obviously don't have to. like i tell everyone with this problem: handle this the way your heart says to, not your head, because your ex loved you for who you were and the choices you made. if you're yourself in this situation, then if she really loves you things will work out. but remember people change, and this could be just another part of life. i hope for the best with everyone going through the same thing. just remember- you can't screw up if you are yourself!

[Angel23]

I was SO glad to see your message because, I swear, word for word this is exactly what I am going through. I don't have any advice for you, but just know that you are in the company of people going through the same thing you are. My boyfriend and I were dating since our senior year in high school...that was 5 years ago. I was sure that he was the one...I still am. His decision came completely out of the blue and now I'm so confused I can't even put it into words. He says he still misses me and loves me and can see us together for a long time, just not right now. He and I haven't had any contact now for almost 3 weeks and it is ABSOLUTELY killing me. I can't tell you whether to have hope or not. I still do and sometimes I feel like a fool for holding on to anything. But, in my eyes, when you know you have met that one special person, why just walk away??

 

I wish you the best and my advice is to keep checking back here because this website has been a dream for me. Sometimes it's easier to look outside your friends and family for comfort and advice.

[live2demo3k]

I had the same exact situation as you about 3 weeks ago man and just like your doing, I lost it, it makes no sense at all and let me tell you, 3 weeks afterwards, it still makes no sense.

 

You are probably never going to understand her decision and even if you do, you will never agree with it. I know it seems really tough right now, but please listen to me, cut off contact, tell her or write her a note or something telling her basically that she should experience life without you completely if thats what she wants and that it is her job to get back to you when shes ready to actually have you in her life. I couldn't do it and I pushed my girlfriend away a lot because I kept asking her why is she doing this and telling her how wrong she was. I kept trying to remind her of our good times all the time and asking her why she would want to throw them away. I never let her have the space she wanted and since then she's told me that we are officially done for now, yet she kept trying to stay in contact with me because in my view, she wanted to make sure I was there for her when she was done with her fun, and that is not fair to me or anyone in my situation. I told her a few nights ago, that I am tired of being a puppet, I love her to death and that what we have is special and if we lose it its a damn tragedy but that I'm not going to keep on like I have, that when she has time and a place for me in her heart again, that she can call me, until then, I love you, goodbye. The next night, she called me already, sounded like she missed me and she was checking up on me already, who knows, I haven't tried to get ahold of her in a few days, and I guess we'll see what happens now. I wish on so many levels I had just given her, her space and I know we'd already be back together, now, I may never have her again, but I'll be damned if I lose her without a fight, so I'm using this strategy for now and I think you should too.

[Arabess]

Maybe I can help all of you by saying.....I'm the person in the relationship who DOES NOT want to get married. I may want to at some point down he road.....but not now. I wouldn't care how much I love someone or what the dynamics of the relationship is.....I really don't want to commit on that level.

 

If someone continues to bring it up or I feel pressured (and it has happened).....I have no choice but to walk away from the relationship regardless of how 'special' it was.

 

Why? Because if I promised forever just to keep the person in my life happy....then I would only end up resenting them later.

 

I'm older than the people you are referring to. If I feel so strongly at my age about this subject....I can only imagine what someone in their early 20's may be feeling. Maybe they just aren't ready!! If they start to drift out of your life....it's because they have no more ways left to tell you.....to give them some TIME and SPACE before demanding a life long commitment. If you feel 'giving someone space' will cause the relationship to drift apart....then it isn't much of a relationship to begin with.

 

Please don't feel they don't love you or value you....nor do they necessarily want out of the relationship. They just aren't ready for marriage NOW! Don't beat yourself up over it....just enjoy the level of relationship and commitment that you do currently share.

[Styles]

I'm going through something right now...I met my girl at work almost 2 years ago. I was in another relationship and "realized" my feelings for her. We started dating and it was this surreal connection. She was telling me how she knew she was going to marry me within a week of my beginning work. We would go out and she would hint at things, telling me if I didn't ask her to marry me in a year she would ask me. All this type of stuff. She even got goose bumps when I did stuff for her on Valentine's Day. So, I had to move and she said she would go. So, at the time, I bought a ring and proposed (after 3 months of incredible dating). I knew then and I still know now that she is who I want to be with. But, I told her that it wasn't so much about marrying her, but about the committment. We did long distance for 3 months and then she picked up her life and came down with me.

We were miserable. We both had jobs we hated, we didn't know anyone and all we had was each other. A scared 24 and 25 yr old. We both have some abandonment issues and I think she knew she was unhappy the first 2 weeks. I think we felt like we had to make each other happy. Anyhow, she received notice from our old job that there was a good position opening and wanted to go. I knew she would go and I kind of took that personally. But I ended up supporting her cause if you really love someone, you let them be happy for them, not for you. I drove up with her and stayed the weekend. I was very distant cause I felt like another person was going to leave me. We had plans that I would follow in 2 months and we would start our life again, where we did before. The whole weekend I was there with her, she was calling me telling me how much she missed me. I went and registered my car and she called 5 times in the hour and half it took me. I got to the airport and on the ride there we had some differences (cause I was distant), she questioned whether I want this and all. She ended up crying and looked me in the eyes, saying that she loved me very much. I got home and there was a message where it was five minutes later and she missed me already, about 30 secs passed and she said she loved me so much. Then the next day she said she did some thinking about goals and desires. We talked and she said she couldn't do the engagment stuff any more. The next day we decided to be friends. That was a month ago. She called every night and we talked some. This past week I took the weekend off and she called 2 times in one night. Last night I talked to her and she said she has been busy and hasn't thought that much about things. She says she doesn't want to. She is enjoying her job and trying to enjoy her friends too, I know she missed them very much.

I have gotten all this advice about what to do. I went through this once and decided it was too much and cut off all contact. I was 18 though. I am thinking that I am going to slowly make myself less available from this for now. She is saying that she needed a break in the first place right. I am only going to talk to her about 1-2 times a week for now. But I don't want to talk about the relationship or how she feels about it. I don't want to be that person that hangs on. I do think she has very strong feelings for me and just needs to straighten things out. We were absolute best friends as well. She says she feels so young.

One thing I know. Take the opportunity while it is there. I know it hurts, I'm still hurting right now, so much. But work on yourself. There are reasons that they fall for you in the first place. Be that person. Be electric. Be happy for yourself. But make sure it's yourself. If she is a good girl, she'll know what she is missing. If she doesn't someone even better will. I don't know that she'll do that if you cut off all contact, cause you do gotta give em a glimpse. But give her the space. View this on your terms instead of hers. Say look, I'M the one who needs the break. And if you know you love her, accept what she has done, cause if you don't it won't be there later. Just say that's life, people suffer through worse. Be fortunate. If this person helps you grow as a person individually, you should keep her there. If not, there are billions of other fish. If you are worried about being a sucker, then you are looking for something. People feel like suckers when they work at something expect some kind of thing at the end and don't get it. Don't. Instead, try to enjoy the ride. If she calls, have fun, don't get caught up in the emotions of it. I know it's all emotion. As difficult as this is, I find myself laughing and saying oh man, what's next, ain't she great. Remember, there's a ride for her too, if you love her, let her enjoy it. If she calls and you have a great conversation, say that was a great conversation and go on. Pretty soon, enough great conversations can make something great.

 

I read a quote once that reminds me of how it should be. A relationship is like holding sand in your hand. The tighter you squeeze, the more it slips through your fingers...Good luck buddy, I hope that I may have helped.