Phadrae Posted November 9, 2003 Share Posted November 9, 2003 Hello-I'm new here. I'm 39 years old and my husband is 36. We've been married for nearly 5 years now. Before we met, he lived in another state, and had been in local bands since he was 15 years old. He says that all he wants to do is play music, and I told him to "go for it", but that I feel that it would break us up-I'm way too old to try to compete with 18 year old groupies! Anyway, I knew how unhappy he was without a band, so I told him to go ahead and join one. He tried out for several, and finally found one he was happy with, but they were "going pro" and touring, etc. I told him that I would not be happy with that lifestyle, and he said he wouldn't either,that he just wanted to play locally. So he didn't join the band. Well, they made it kinda "big" and he saw them on Tv a few years ago and has been extremely unhappy ever since, and our marriage has not been the same. He blames me, saying I "wouldn't" let him join the band, even though I had told him to do it at the time, even though I didn't think we would end up staying together-I didn't want that lifestyle at all-I just wanted to be married and settled down in one place, not traveling around with a bunch of groupies after my husband all the time. Now, several years later, our marriage is not great-we have NO sex at all-he says he is too tired from work, but when we argue about anything at all, whether it is bills or whatever, he says how unhappy he is because I "would'nt let" him join that band that made it. What can I do? I have tried and tried to get him to join another band, but he thinks his life is over since he didn't join the band that made it! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 9, 2003 Share Posted November 9, 2003 Your husband is extremely selfish and immature and there's nothing you can do about it. If he has an ounce of gray matter, he's got to know just how much he's hurting you when he tells you about his regrets for not making you miserable by joining some stupid rock band. He's also very immature for not knowing that on a day to day basis we make decisions that could put us ahead, behind or leave us where we are....and we have to be grown up and stick with those decisions. Yes, he could have joined that rock band and they could have all died in a plane crash six months later. Would he be regretting it in that case? There's not much you can do about him being jealous of their success. Frankly, I wish I had been a member of the Beatles...or maybe even been Elvis Presley. Sometimes I wish I was Antonia Banderas so I could have had love scenes with Salma Hayek. There's even times when I wish the President had appointed me Secretary of State so I could help in keeping the world a little more sane. But I don't go around blaming others because those things didn't happen. I wish I could tell you there's a quick solution that would help your husband grow up. I do think some counselling by an independent third party would help him become more rational and to understand that, in the end when we are dead and our bodies decay and we no longer have life in them, what band we were in is a hell of a lot less important than the people we loved. There is not one really BIG rock star in any cemetary in the universe who gives a damned about having been in a crappy rock band, including John Lennon or Elvis Presley. Hell, in their deaths their relatives get to spend the millions of dollars in royalties still coming in each year while they rot in some box six feet under. Your husband has a lot of nerve blaming his decision on you...but he may never grow up. If this continues, go find a guy who puts YOU and the importance of loving you before belonging to some stupid rock band. He's way too old anyway. Mick Jagger looks pathetic too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phadrae Posted November 9, 2003 Author Share Posted November 9, 2003 Thanks Tony-you made a lot of sense! I've been kicking myself all over the place over this, and you helped me realize that it's NOT all my fault, and that he needs to get a life and get over this little thing he's freaking out over. Thanks again-I'm going to show him this message! Have a great day! Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Originally posted by Phadrae Hello-I'm new here. I'm 39 years old and my husband is 36. We've been married for nearly 5 years now. Before we met, he lived in another state, and had been in local bands since he was 15 years old. He says that all he wants to do is play music, and I told him to "go for it", but that I feel that it would break us up-I'm way too old to try to compete with 18 year old groupies! Anyway, I knew how unhappy he was without a band, so I told him to go ahead and join one. He tried out for several, and finally found one he was happy with, but they were "going pro" and touring, etc. I told him that I would not be happy with that lifestyle, and he said he wouldn't either,that he just wanted to play locally. So he didn't join the band. Well, they made it kinda "big" and he saw them on Tv a few years ago and has been extremely unhappy ever since, and our marriage has not been the same. He blames me, saying I "wouldn't" let him join the band, even though I had told him to do it at the time, even though I didn't think we would end up staying together-I didn't want that lifestyle at all-I just wanted to be married and settled down in one place, not traveling around with a bunch of groupies after my husband all the time. Now, several years later, our marriage is not great-we have NO sex at all-he says he is too tired from work, but when we argue about anything at all, whether it is bills or whatever, he says how unhappy he is because I "would'nt let" him join that band that made it. What can I do? I have tried and tried to get him to join another band, but he thinks his life is over since he didn't join the band that made it! I think you get what you deserve. First of all you should have never tried to change him. You knew before you were married how important music was to him but you denied him that because you can't "compete with groupies". THATS SELFISH. He should have dumped you right then. In your next marriage, try being TOTALLY supportive and I bet you will have better results. I don't blame him one bit for giving you grief. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 I agree with Tony 100% We all make decisions that are good and bad and to blame them on someone else is childish. Sounds like your hubby never learned how to argue either - never bring up the past. If he is dissatisfied with his life then it is up to him to change it. Wasting time and energy grieving for a past that never was is not healthy. Some counseling would probably benefit both of you. I'm afraid the next time he brings up that band I would ask him "OK, I can't turn back the hands of time to change anything so what do you hope to accomplish by complaining and blaming me for a decision you made a long time ago? and what do think we need to do to make you happy now?" Then I'd tell him that his attitude about all of this is driving you two apart and that you want to get some outside help. Tell him that you will go to a counselor yourself to help you deal with this and would appreciate it if he would participate if your counselor requests it. If he says no, show him the door. You don't need him if he is going to be so petty. Hopefully you two will be able to work things out - it sounds like he's getting ready for mid-life crisis and there are tools that a counselor can give you to help you, and him, get through it. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 HOLY CRAP BADMAN..... badboy give bad advice..... (my opinion) it is not at all her fault for his not joining the band.... he DID NOT want to join either and he said he wouldn't either,that he just wanted to play locally the guy wanted to play locally........ he made the decision.... perhaps he is to blame because he didnt make his own decision..... iam a firm believer that yes perhaps one person can influence another persons thinking.... however if this was an actual "dream" for him he would have told her it means so much for him and that he needs to see if being in a band will fulfill his dreams etc.... etc..... ultimately it was HIS decision...... he can only BLAME himself for not FOLLOWING his own dreams...... hes a very selfish pathetic person for blaming his wife...... hes a man that cannot live up to his own expectations so would rather blame someone else as its way easier for him to.... Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Originally posted by BadMan I think you get what you deserve. First of all you should have never tried to change him. You knew before you were married how important music was to him but you denied him that because you can't "compete with groupies". THATS SELFISH. He should have dumped you right then. In your next marriage, try being TOTALLY supportive and I bet you will have better results. I don't blame him one bit for giving you grief. BadMan I had a good laugh when I read this! Who do YOU blame for YOUR bad decisions? LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
ihatehim Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 I've been in your shoes.. These type of men NEVER GROW UP.. Sorry babe.. Love him Or Leave him... Ifhe makes it big.. Stay with him.. LOL If not just continue to hand out his business crads.. I did that til I realized what a loser he was.. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Originally posted by lostforwords HOLY CRAP BADMAN..... badboy give bad advice..... (my opinion) it is not at all her fault for his not joining the band.... he DID NOT want to join either the guy wanted to play locally........ he made the decision.... perhaps he is to blame because he didnt make his own decision..... iam a firm believer that yes perhaps one person can influence another persons thinking.... however if this was an actual "dream" for him he would have told her it means so much for him and that he needs to see if being in a band will fulfill his dreams etc.... etc..... ultimately it was HIS decision...... he can only BLAME himself for not FOLLOWING his own dreams...... hes a very selfish pathetic person for blaming his wife...... hes a man that cannot live up to his own expectations so would rather blame someone else as its way easier for him to.... I'm sure he reluctantly said that to appease her. Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Originally posted by HokeyReligions BadMan I had a good laugh when I read this! Who do YOU blame for YOUR bad decisions? LOL! Me. Whats your point? Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 I think you get what you deserve. First of all you should have never tried to change him. You knew before you were married how important music was to him but you denied him that because you can't "compete with groupies". THATS SELFISH. He should have dumped you right then. In your next marriage, try being TOTALLY supportive and I bet you will have better results. I don't blame him one bit for giving you grief. .... just like im sure you reluctantly said that to appease yourself???? cmon..... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Maybe you should tell him the "disappointment" he feels over losing the big band gig....does not even begin to be equivalent to your disappointment in your marriage. I think the above post in that he is approaching a "mid life crisis" is probably correct. You know...that horrible age... when we realize a whole lot of our dreams were exchanged for realism...and there's no real turning back. DO we have a tendency to blame someone else....SURE....we all do to some extent. Either love him thru it...or get him a guitar and tell him to go try again. Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Originally posted by lostforwords .... just like im sure you reluctantly said that to appease yourself???? cmon..... Whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
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