Significant other turning into a completely different person.

[UCFKevin]

Surprisingly...I'm doing alright. Had two dates with one girl this weekend, it went wonderfully.

 

With the ex...I'm not finding myself hating her. I'm regretting letting things get to the point that they did with her, but I can't blame myself because this all very well could've happened whether I messed up or not. She will always be the one that got away for me, and she'll always have a place in my heart. Nothing will stop that, and frankly, despite all the pain and sorrow she's put me through in the past months, I don't want to stop that. I choose to remember the good instead of the bad. We had it great for a while. Nothing lasts forever, though. I'll miss her for a while...maybe a long while...but my life will go on. I'll find someone who can love me as much as I love them. I just wish it would've been her.

[Callisto]

Oh Kevin, I am sad for you, but I was happy to see the post and know that someone else went through, what I am going through. Here's my issue:

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and the last 6 months he has become a completly different person. His attitudes,mannerisms, the way he treats me. Some days he acts like he loves me, and others he doesn't want to be around me. Refusing to kiss me, touch me, or even speak to me in a relativley nice manner.

 

Just yesterday he called me at work mad at me because he couldn't find his hair gel. Why would I know where it is? Why would I touch his hair gel? He got upset and hung up on me. I went to his work later to pick up some pics (we both have two jobs) and he looked at me and said he had to do something. Kind of short. I asked him to speak to me in a nicer tone, and he said, "Whatever" and left.

 

It's these small things that happen everyday now. The thing is, a few months ago I got tired of being treated like nothing and initiated a break-up. It was hard because I love him deeply and we live together, but I was working on finding a new place and a new life. He did everything to try to get me back. Promises to the moon, apologizing to my parents for "failing" them, he even proposed to me (which I was a little insulted by...I didn't try and break up with you to get a ring!).

 

We talked it out and came to an understanding, things were okay for a few days...but then it started again. I try and talk with him, but it would be easier to talk with a brick wall.

 

What happened?

[UCFKevin]

Wow. THAT"s a tough one. I have no idea what to say. He won you back and then screwed it up again in a matter of days?

 

I would say it's time to go, this guy's not gonna change. He lost interest, and then when you wanted to leave, he probably thought he couldn't find anyone else and panicked and tried to get you back, now that he has you back, maybe he THINKS you'll stick around and come back no matter what, so he can be however he wants.

 

Have you talked to him about this? Just be up front. Tell him he's being a jackass.

[Callisto]

I know you understand how hard it is. One minute he's wonderful, the next minute he's an ass. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I have talked to him about it several times before and once again everything will be fine for a day or so, but then it will go back again to normal.

 

Sometimes he tells me that I am not giving him what he needs. So I say, "Fair enough. Tell me what it is you need." Yet he cannot tell me anything. So I don't knwo if he just doesn't know what he wants or if I am giving him what he wants, but just felt like he needed to say something to justify his attitude.

[nygeneral]

Kevin,

 

My girlfriend of over a year also broke up with me almost 3 months ago. It must be an end of the summer phenomenom. After fighting to get her back for a couple of months the last time we spoke was exactly 20 days ago. I want to call her so bad but have been able to resist so far.

 

My problem is that, unlike your situation, she broke up with me for legitamite reasons. I really want to change and feel that I have learned from my mistakes. She refuses to give me this opportunity. In some ways I wish she broke up with me for absolutely no reason so I can be really pissed at her instead of myself.

 

I'm trying to show her that I am respectful of her decision by not calling. I promised her that I would not call her until I have moved on or she calls me. However, I also promised myself that I would never give up on her no matter what. So I am screwed right now.

 

I am planning to wait until a full month has passed before calling her again. This is really sad, but I'm hoping that with the holiday's coming up she will remember the good times we had and will want to give us another try.

 

Hang in there Kev. I'm going to follow your lead and start dating again too. Hopefully that will help for the time being.

[nancy66]

I had to pinch myself to make sure I did not write that post. I have the same problem. My boyfriend of 5+ years and a friend of 20+, is giving me the same treatment. We live one street apart. His old high school lay ect....... has been taking a drive by his house and mine. He was at mine and I ran up town and guess who was coming off the street I live on, the EX and she seen me and took off like a bat out of you know where. Well then two weeks later the 20 year class reunion comes ( his) not mine. And she is there ( also was a friend of mine too I guess at one time ) and I bring up why she took off she should have stopped in and said HI. well guess who went on the defensive HER and guess who stepped in and said I was talking about a different time we seen her together (He is a LIAR) this was not my only TWO TON TINA sighting. And why stick-up for her. Where has she been these last year when you could not pay your bills

 

I am not a paranoid person but watch your back it is not only U two in this relationship. That or she is a boozer & bipolar or both

 

I feel your pain. It was my birthday that weekend and 11/16 and I am still waiting for a happy birthday or just to be acknowledged.

 

Any time you want to compare notes feel free to e-mail me.

 

 

Nancy

[UCFKevin]

Wow Nancy, that sounds REALLY screwed up. Something is definitely up. Are you going to end it with him? I would. It's just way too fishy. Plus he's a liar, so there you go.

 

I'm going to try to talk to my ex tonight and smooth things over, I hate to leave things the way they ended, we're both better than that. We're both capable of much better, mature enough, you know? I don't want that to be the last time I see or talk to her.

 

The holidays will be a tough time for me, I've always had someone around, whether it was her or roommates, but this is my first alone...so...I'm not really looking forward to this time of the year too much.

 

NYGeneral, things ended between my ex and I more or less because of me. Well, they began because of me and they ended because of her. Both parties are to blame.

[Callisto]

I honestly do not understand why this happens. People change over time, I accept that. But overnight changes just do not happen unless something happens in their life. One minute you think everythings fine and the next...BAM! We should at least get some sort of explanation. I think 3 years warrants that much, don't you?

[Leikela]

One minute you think everythings fine and the next...BAM! We should at least get some sort of explanation.

 

Noone changes over night. That much we've established. The fact that people just up and leave without warning is something more to dig deeper in to. Since noone changes overnight then there would have to have been warning signs beforehand. It could be the fault of both parties for not recognizing any little warning behavior or it could be the person themself for not noticing that they were beginning to become unhappy.

 

No matter how good a manipulator someone is, there are always warning signs, as subtle as they may be. We usually just write them off as someone having a bad day or to whatever other reason we may rationalize their behavior as because in our minds we believe they are happy with us and it must be some other reason.

 

I am sure that if you look deep and hard enough, you'll begin to see a pattern of subtle behavioral changes within the relationship. I think a lot of times we live in denial and that clouds our judgement on things. It truly does take two to make a relationship work and when one stops contributing by not letting on that they aren't happy then eventually it breaks down to the point where they just up and leave.

[UCFKevin]

Yeah, but there shouldn't BE warning signs, if something's wrong, it should just come out instead of being kept in, you know?

 

But you're right. Takes two to tango.

[Leikela]

Yeah, but there shouldn't BE warning signs, if something's wrong, it should just come out instead of being kept in, you know?

 

In an ideal world, YES. But reality sets in and we are all different and we all respond and react to things differently. That's why we're such complex beings.

 

On a different note though, I think people can change this behavior and start to talk when things aren't feeling right. But the issue that is keeping them from talking needs to be resolved first. It's a matter of whether they want to or not. I think a lot of people would rather not explore themselves on a deeper level for fear of what they might find. It's ashame really. I hope your ex takes a minute or two to look into herself or when she faced with conflict again she'll just keep pushing people away.

[Callisto]

I suppose so. I think in our case it was communication that was the first to go. It has been slowly starting to break down as he doesn't talk to me like he used to. A little piece crumbles here and there, almost unnoticable until it becomes a way of life.

 

The problem is, I still love him to death, but it almost seems as if we are going through the motions. I am unsure how to react to this new person, as I do not really like this new person. I keep talking, and he has begun to listen again, but nothing seems to change.

 

He says he understands, and for a moment I think he does, but then the next moment it's the same old s**t again!

[UCFKevin]

Yeah...that's pretty much what happened with me too.

 

She didn't want to talk about the problems because of our communication problems, she thought I didn't care or didn't listen to her. We wouldn't talk much, it was my own fault. I should've done more. I could've done more. But I didn't.

 

But if things worked out, I definitely wouldn't have let things get back to the way they were. Once you get such a rude awakening like this, you don't dare like the possibility of it happening again happen again.

[Callisto]

It's just a very long road to get things back to what they were. That is, if he is not seeing anyone else. That would be a deal-breaker.

[Zankon]

You shouldn't be thinking "if I knew I would have done this or that better" because a successful relationship is worked out by both sides not only one. So, if a break up happens, then both parties should take equal responsabilities.

 

The issue here is purely psychological; the one being dumped always feels that s/he had to do more to make things work out. Truth is, both had to but one chose to leave earlier. That's it.

 

I ve been dumped in the rudest way you could imagine. I ve been hurt badly. Do I feel any regrets or do I think I had to do more? Nop. I was who I was and I am who I am. If it didn't work out then it didn't and life goes on.

Don't get me wrong, I was madly in love but in the "You've been dissed" business, you got to be realistic and put your emotions aside. You ll pick them up later on when you find another nice one.

 

Sometimes to confort myself, I just go to a cafe or mall and look at girls and tell myself how blind I was when I spent 4++ years with a gold digger jerk. There are plenty of nice gorgeous girls out there who themselves are looking for a nice guy (me)... all I need is an ice breaker!

[OrlandoKat]

I COMPLETELY feel you on this one! I was in the exact same boat you were last year. This man and I were together for 2 years, we were supposed to get married, and then all of a sudden HE changed. Believe this, It's NOT you, although i'm sure you probably already know that.

 

It sure does hurt, when someone tells you they love you, they want to marry you, you make future plans, or atleast speak of your future together, and then bam, they want out?? And it's nothing you provoked!

 

The girl sounds confused, or maybe you're both too young and she wanted more life experience? It's hard to say what goes on in peoples minds when they do a complete 180, it does make you feel like they've been lying, but you never know.

 

My ultimate conclusion would be this.. Society is a "throw away" society anymore. If it doesn't work, throw it out..not happy, throw it out..return it, walk away. More and more people i've run into, especially my age (27) have these ideas that's it ok to live like this. My suggestion.. and a double edge sword. You never really know anyone I suppose, but these things are very worth finding about when you're getting to know someone..their values and strong convictions on life, morally.. ethically.. are they a throw away person too? So many ways to tell.. all you need is one sign!

 

Just my 2 cents

 

Hope you're feeling better

[UCFKevin]

Yeah, I am. Time does heal all wounds. I think she IS really confused, and maybe it is better that I'm not in her life because of that. I hated having my hopes driven up then crash down.

 

So you live in Orlando? Me too. Let's start a club, "Love Really Sucks Sometimes".

[yogi-mon]

Love, like life seems to follow the cycle of the universe.

Spring, it blossoms, summer it bares fruit, in fall it wilts and in winter it dies.

The seeds of the fruit pass on until spring, only to bloosom again when the

conditions are right.

[Callisto]

well, then, what do you do if this is happening right now? I am still in the relationship (3 years) and he goes from loving and caring in the morning to short tempered, doesn't want to be touched, doesn't want to be kissed at night (*or vice-versa). This has been going on for the last 3 months, he says nothings wrong, gets pissed if I ask.....{sigh}

[UCFKevin]

Then YOU initiate it. Don't wait for him to do it. Don't give him that satisfaction. You tell him you need to take time apart because he's treating you badly, and you don't deserve that.

[Callisto]

We live together. Time apart would consist of us both moving out because neither could afford the house on our own. At least he's good for half the rent!

[UCFKevin]

Ewww....okay. That sucks.

 

Well, just confront him, and if he can't be mature enough to talk to you about it, then maybe you need to start looking at other options. He might be hiding something.