Significant other turning into a completely different person.

[UCFKevin]

You spend two and a half years with someone and think you know them as much as someone can know another person, and then all of a sudden, they change completely on you.

 

How can someone who supposedly loves you not want to be with you, want time and space to themselves, not seem to care about not seeing you or talking to you for weeks? Or suddenly lying to you when lies never came into play before? Treating you like crap? Not expressing any emotions or affection? Being a heartless coward when it comes to everything?

 

Is it just falling out of love? Is it discovering the REAL person, and you've been experiencing an act the entire time? Is it just a phase?

 

What the hell is all this about? It seems like it happens a lot.

 

Granted, there may be problems in the relationship, but generally, outside of cheating or abuse, there's nothing that can't really be talked about or resolved. I guess if it doesn't happen, it's because the other person doesn't WANT to fix things or work on them, just wants to run away from the problem and not deal with them. That can't be healthy.

 

Ugh...sometimes relationships really SUCK.

[moimeme]

I think it's because falling out of love is as incremental as is falling in love (in the latter case, except for those for whom falling in love happens suddenly, accompanied by a clash of cymbals and a chorus of 'O Sweet Mystery of Life', that is). Like the Cheshire cat, it disappears, bit by bit, and if you haven't been paying attention, suddenly it's gone and becomes conspicuous only by its absence.

 

People in the process of falling out may feel only some vague dissatisfaction or unaccountable unhappiness and not really realize it's the death throes of the relationship.

 

 

Granted, there may be problems in the relationship, but generally, outside of cheating or abuse, there's nothing that can't really be talked about or resolved.

 

I don't agree. There are lots and lots of things that render people incompatible. The trick is unearthing them before you get too involved.

 

Is it discovering the REAL person, and you've been experiencing an act the entire time?

 

Could be the blinders are finally off. Could be the oxytocin's effects are no longer being felt. Could be the person did have flaws they wanted to hide and were successful in so doing.

[UCFKevin]

That'd be a damn shame if that were the case. I'd hate to think I was the victim of a very long and elaborate act.

[moimeme]

It has been my experience that people who have problems or undesirable qualities (and I'm talking about things like alcoholism, not squeezing toothpaste differently) are often ashamed of them and hide them even from themselves. The deceit is not all that often overt or deliberate, it seems to me.

[BraveGirl]

I am really trying to figure this one out too. I agree it is baffling.

I sympathise with every word you wrote here but I don't understad it myself. And yes you do find yourself wondering if it was all an act, but I don't think it was.

Sadly it seems some people are prepared to put much more effort into working on relationships, and for those of us who do, we simply cannot see why some people wouldn't want to.

[UCFKevin]

Exactly.

 

I mean, it's just throwing away two and a half years because things got less than perfect. Rather than work on the problems, they run away. How is that a way to live? I wonder if people who do that will ever change or if it'll just be an endless cycle.

 

And it just makes it all the more painful for the other person, i.e me and you. I just have to wonder if she ever truly loved or cared about me if she can bring herself to do something like this, if I mean anything to her at all now or if I ever did. And that's a ridiculously painful thing to have to wonder.

 

It's just a shame.

[meanon]

The ending of it has made you doubt you ever knew her or that what you shared meant anything to her. Two and a half years is a long time to pretend and you are an intelligent person - you would have known there was a problem. Really what you have to accept is that we never truly know another's mind or what makes them tick - no matter how close to them we are. I think she did love you but no longer does. This is sad enough - don't make it worse by tormenting yourself with the thought that none of it was real.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Hey Kevin,

 

I know how you feel, and I do agree with you that there is very little in a relationship that cannot be resolved. The problem is that we live in a throw-away-society. At the littliest sign of trouble or dissatisfication it's easier to throw away a relationship instead of taking the time and patience to work on it. But that's what happens when you are condition to act on your feelings instead of acting on pure logic. You never learn effective problem solving skills. This is the part that baffles me the most because there is SO much information out there to help people in relationships, and mistakes and stuff to avoid when you're in relationships. There's the Bible, there are self-help books, there are counselors, seminars, so much useful information, but people don't want to go to those sources for help, because it would call for them to think constructively.....something we don't do very much of. So they take themselves through the same mistakes time and time again when they don't even have to if they just take the time to learn about the psychology, physiology and anatomy of themselves and the opposite sex, warning signs to look out for, and the like.

 

 

Patience is something else that is not looked upon very highly in our society. Our society has conditioned us to act on what we feel, and as a result, we are very impulsive people that take very little time to think things through logically, constructively and effectively to find out if this would be a wise decision. So instead of taking as much time as we need to get to know people and ask the right questions when we do get to know them like their background, their family background, observing them for any patterns of behavior, we get so overwhelmed with the feeling of passion and love, sleep with the individual then want to get to know them in the process, and when we start seeing problems in that person, we wonder "how could that be?" When we take cues on how to proceed in a relationship from television and movies and it doesn't turn out like it does in televisions and movies, we wonder why.

 

We put more effort into looking for a good car than we do in looking for a good mate. It's baffling.

[UCFKevin]

The whole thing about making mistakes over and over again, I fear that's what's going to happen with her. I have a feeling what's happening between us happened with her last boyfriend, who I stole her from, because she was having problems with him. So I guess she doesn't discuss problems or try to resolve them and just wants to run away from them and forget them and hope things fizzle out without her involvement. What a cowardly way to live. And it's just SUCH a shock when something like that happens with someone like her, who months prior would say how we'd be in love, together forever, and now suddenly, I feel like she wouldn't spit on my face if my eyebrows were on fire because it'd be a waste of her time. How can that happen? Such a wonderful, caring person to turn into someone so heartless? Or is THIS maybe all an act? THat's just wishful thinking. Highly unlikely.

 

I feel we got to know each other pretty well before anything serious happened, which is why all of this is so shocking and out of left field.

 

It's all very painful to go through. I was ready to marry this girl. <sigh>

[meanon]

If she does not want to stay and face her problems then she has to avoid you to avoid them. You don't say what these problems are but if she has ended two relationships to avoid them they may overlap significantly with her sense of self. Of course it is cowardly but if somone has little confidence in their ability to cope then running away may seem like self preservation. She may be being hard hearted because she can find no other way to distance herself from you. She is unlikely to have changed personality overnight - maybe she is just much more vulnerable than you realised? You may not want to have any more to do with her but if you do and low self esteem was the root cause of her problems - knowing that you loved her enough to marry her may have made a difference. Did she know?

[UCFKevin]

Yeah. She knew. If there was one thing lacking in our relationship, it was definitely not love or affection or compassion. I don't think it's low self esteem at all. I just don't think she's good at handling stress or conflict. So she decided to turn her back on me rather than work things out. And there's not a god damn thing I can do about it.

[meanon]

What a waste. I hope you find happiness again soon.

[UCFKevin]

Yeah. So do I.

 

Funny thing is, despite all the sorrow, the pain and the heartache she's put me through, I'd take her back in a second.

 

After a loooooooooong talk.

 

How can someone be like this? Just not even bother contacting the other person? Has anyone ever been through something like this before? Someone just not even talking to you whatsoever at the end of a relationship?

[bark]

I've not been on the receiving end, but I've inflicted this on at least one person. I call it the great shut down. Emotionally, one turns inwards, becomes preoccupied with his thoughts and looks past the lover. The lover or spouse, instead of being in the emotional foreground, is relegated to a peripheral place in the reconfigured emotional geography.

 

The desire for any intersection is gone--whether intellectual, sexual, emotional. One not only becomes indifferent to the lover, but that person, her appearance, mannerisms, speech become mildly irritating. Not only the thrill is gone but the basic attraction that brought you together in the first place goes AWOL.

 

An emotional repulsion sets in.You just want to limit all contact to the barest minimum. The relationship inhabits a dead space. A cold dread replaces the former warm and fuzzy feelings.

 

Shut downs happen and they're almost always irreversible.

 

Sorry. Hang in there, guy.

[BraveGirl]

I'm sorry but I don't believe that what Bark said is necessarily true.

I think Kev and amongst others I, have had enough indication from the Other to know that their emotions are still involved.

 

In a way if the emotional repulsion from the other had set in we may even feel better, but our strong feeling that it has not causes us so much pain.

eg. when we have had our reconcilations ( no longer now) my ex has has said such tender things as, 'I can't imagine a time when I would not want to tell you everything.' I think you all know what I mean. How that conjures up such sad feelings at a time like this. 'Emotional repulsion'? How do you know?

 

At the same time it is the fear that what Bark says may perhaps be true, also causes us agony. We just want to know.

[bark]

How can someone who supposedly loves you not want to be with you, want time and space to themselves, not seem to care about not seeing you or talking to you for weeks? Or suddenly lying to you when lies never came into play before? Treating you like crap? Not expressing any emotions or affection? Being a heartless coward when it comes to everything?

 

 

 

I was basing my shut down model on Kevin's quote, above. Not much ambiguity or ambivalence there. She sounds like she's in a shut down mode.

 

I agree that an ex-lover's approach-avoidance behavior can be maddening. I've had an ex-girlfriend end our romance and yet call almost daily and tell me I'm her life line. It sucks! Its akin to false limb pain after an amputation.

 

Post-relationship relationships are a b##tch.

[Arabess]

Bark,

The first post you put on this thread was absolutely a work of literary art! I will copy and paste it....possibly on my forehead!!!

 

I've never given closure to any relationship either. I just tip toe away mumbling something about being "confused"....or hope I get drunk enough to spill it all out.

 

I've only had it happen back to me once. It was most definitely the pay back from hell. I doubt it will change my "confrontationally challenged" personality though.

 

Kevin,

She is probably trying to spare your feelings by not going into all the things which have led up to the break up. Chances are....she hasn't changed at all....this is just a part of her character which you previously did not have to deal with. I suspect the boyfriend before you went thru the same thing.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. The only cure for love pains are time.

[UCFKevin]

If she's avoiding confronting me about anything, then she's being a complete coward. If I never hear from her again, I'll truly know what kind of person she is.

 

Complete 180's confuse the hell out of me.

[claudia]

i've been reading this thread and would like to add my two cents to this topic .I too am confused by this i love u one minute to i can't stand the sight of u moment . my ex broke up with me three months ago stating his feelings for me changed and the we could still be friends, but a couple of months before that he was like ohhhhhhhh i want you in my life i keep u with me blah blah . Now if we speak its only a cold hello and then i'm not even wrothy of a proper hello he says ello hahaha i mean not even a whole word i can get now but it seems unbelievable that loving words came from these people . They are not only cowards running away but punks as well. What will they accomplish by just running . NOTHING . Oh well i say leave them to Karma and lets see how they react to it when its their turn to feel how we feel now.

 

 

well thats my two cents

hangin there one day it will be better

[bark]

Thanks for the kind words, Arabess. I don't know why we fall out of love. But when we do, our emotions, thoughts and desires undergo a dark transformation. I believe this falling away from our lover occurs incrementally--a series of small outages. Then one day we look at our lover and find him or her to be alien to our self, our body, our mind. An intimate partner becomes a strange other.

 

Frequently, our lover does not apprehend the depth of our falling away until it is too late. Then, all the therapists and message boards won't be able to fix the broken relationship. This falling out of love is frequently unrequited. There lies the pathos.

 

I don't know why this happens. I only know that it does.

[lostforwords]

When i have ended a relationship, for some reason i feel its neccesary to ignore them simply because i dont want them being mislead.... sounds strange but yeh i shut myself down totally to that person.... i think its also a defense mechanism.... ive been hurt in past relationships... gee can ya tell lol but as far as me explaining why i do it...... i havent a clue.....

[Butterfly1]

UFCKevin I have been reading your posts for the last few weeks. I am sorry your exgirlfriend is treating you like this. It really doesn't make sense to me either how someone who had claimed in the past to have loved you, could one day be indifferent to your presense. Its awful and I have been there a few times. I cant tell you for sure what she might be thinking but I can tell you what she might be thinking.

 

She knows that you want to get back together with her. She knows you have strong feelings for her (coming over to her house before she left for the wedding) She knows that she has the control. I can't imagine how she wouldnt have strong feelings for you after spending so much time with you but at the same time she is in no rush to get back together with you becuase she might think that she can take as much time as she wants and you will still be there waiting for her.

 

She might have needed space from you initially - don't know the reason why. BUt breakups or breaks can cause serious damage to our egos and bring out the worst in us when we feel hurt. You might have gotten insecure or extra sensitive to her which just made you less desirable to her. The more hurt you got by her, the more insecure, the farther away she got.

 

If she has lied to you that is awful and manipulative. The best thing for you to do now is (if you talk to her again) AGREE the break up is good for you....that you ARE BETTER off without. Because honestly you are. Also by saying this, you are letting her know that you aren't waiting around for her. The only way it could work out now is if SHE CHASES you. And thats not going to happen unless you move on like she has and start dating again. I have realized in the past when a guy has broken up with me, if we ever get back together its because he CAME back to me when I was moving on....we never got back together if i was free and available for him or chasing him.

 

Good relationships don't just fall apart. I know people can fall out of love and I just don't understand why...perhaps its the person or perhaps its just not the right timing. Hang in there and it will get better.

[nobandaid]

Kevin,

 

I really do feel strongly for you, mate. I am going through the EXACT same thing right now with my ex. I went round to his house last night to try and talk about things and when I called to tell him I was out the front he simply turns his phone off and won't have anything to do with me. It is absolutely heartbreaking and so so painful to comprehend after you spent happy YEARS with this person, only to find out that they are capable of completely turning their back on you.

 

And to top it all off, his friends have also turned their backs! I messaged his best mate last night, asking him to call me as D wouldn't have anything to do with me only to receive a harsh, inhumane reply : "I wouldn't waste my breath." So I slowly torment myself, wondering what I may have done to deserve this...

But the truth is... YOU are not the one with the problem, THEY are. Who, in their right mind, would completely disengage someone from existence after two and a half years spent intimately together? You can repetitively ask yourself that question but no answers will surface...they will only remain unstirred in a murky puddle - a puddle that is unlikely to become opaque but will only become muddier as you slosh around in it.

 

I know exactly how frustrated, helpless, lovesick and angry you are feeling right now... and it only makes it worse when people keep telling you to "move on" with your life because YOU DON'T WANT TO!!! You want her back and even though she continues to treat you like this you would take her back in a heart beat. As painful as it is for both you and I, and possibly hundreds of other people across these boards, perhaps the best thing to do right now is attempt to move on. Do nice things for yourself, go shopping (I did that today - and spent WAY too much money!!!), go for a run and don't stop until you're too drained to even walk, let alone think about her.

 

From previous experience with my ex, I can tell you that Butterfly1 has mentioned some very good points. If you read my latest post "Trying so hard not to contact him.." you will notice that I have mentioned that I am hesitant to move on with things because I suspect, as he has done in the past, that when I become "unavailable" and move on with my life, he will call me and re-enter my life. So right now, all anybody can say, is that it is a "lose-lose" situation. Either way you choose to go is going to hurt. On one hand, if you decide to walk away from her and attempt to move on with your life, the pain of missing her will be dreadful, however on the other hand, if you keep chasing her and letting her know that you are still "hanging on" then she will only continue to treat you as she is doing becuase ultimately, yes, she is in control.

 

About the feelings, of course she still has feelings for you, especially if she has indicated this recently. You can't fall out of love with someone so instantly after loving them unconditionally for two and a half years. They're only kidding themselves - and it will come back to them...they can't hide their feelings from you forever.

 

As hard as it is, try to step back and review this in the THIRD PERSON. Observe the situation from an outsider's point of view. Then maybe you will get a slight inside as to how ridiculous her behaviour really is. We are not children..but adults and it's such a pity that our loved ones are choosing to act like kids.

 

Hang in there buddy.

 

Natalie

[UCFKevin]

Oh, I'm fully aware of how ridiculous she's being about this. And I've recently realized that everything that's happening is indeed all because of her. I have been perfectly willing to do anything it takes to make things better, so for her to turn her back on me, after two and a half f*cking years of unconditional love and affection and happiness, it's her. I don't know if she's deluding herself or if she's truly fallen out of love with me, either way, it's her loss. She meant the world to me, and I would've given it to her.

 

Basically everything you folks have said is dead on. There's nothing I can do but move on. I just don't know if I should contact her or anything, I mean, how can she just abruptly cut off all contact? How is that possible?

 

For those of you who HAVE shut down emotionally, I have a few questions. Did your feelings ever come back for the other person? Did you ever talk to them again? Or did the shut down last forever? I'm trying my best to understand how someone can do that to someone they supposedly love or used to love, it's just...it's a bit too much, you know?

 

This situation I'm in is definitely an epic, an emotional rollercoaster the likes of which I've never experienced.

 

I have a date on Saturday...it's a casual thing but...I dunno. It's just not what I want. I want nothing but her back. But I have to start somewhere...because she's not coming back to me.

[toots307]

Kevin,

 

It sounds to me like you have a committment phobic on your hands. Soooooo many people go through this - everything is wonderful and then BAM - complete turn around. My bf did the same thing. He was sweet and wonderful one day and the very next day he dumped me over the phone. It was nuts!!!

 

I let him go and gave him space and he's come back around. Perhaps your girl will come to her senses soon. I don't know why people do this to themselves and to others.

 

Focus on making yourself happy and everything else will fall into place.