Significant other turning into a completely different person.

[lostforwords]

aww kevin i truly am sorry to hear that your going thru the **** you have..... i guaged our friendship before i shut down.... meaning i talked to him and our paths crossed due to us being in the same company, different stores... we would occassinally see eachother during social functions as we hung around the same circle of friends....... i watched carefully to not hurt him and his reactions too... if i talked to someone else i could see he was not getting thru his hurt etc.,.... it usually ended up being a conversation with him regarding how i could do this to him etc.... no matter what i explained or helped him with i was always going to be a last ditched attempt with him to us getting back toegther..... and in order for him to move on i felt it was neccessary for him and i to end all contact unless it was done on a professional level.... which i rarely did as well.... after about 4 months we ended up talking again and turned out to be good friends..... we dont talk at all about our relationship for obvious reasons however...... time did heal it... and it wasnt as if i didnt love him anymore i could see our lives were going 2 seperate ways..... i still love him however its a friendship love not a relationship love.... probably one of the hardest things i have ever done.... but it was done with the best intentions.... i assure you. help this kind of helps.... if any.

[bark]

For those of you who HAVE shut down emotionally, I have a few questions. Did your feelings ever come back for the other person? Did you ever talk to them again? Or did the shut down last forever? I'm trying my best to understand how someone can do that to someone they supposedly love or used to love, it's just...it's a bit too much, you know?

 

 

Kevin, I understand your anguish.The loss of a loved one --especially a person who has brought you so much pleasure and happiness--is catastrophic. I've been there, and it's a bad place.

 

This pain is compounded by the behavioral and personality changes in your lover--especially when these changes are not seemingly tied to any event. That's the scary thing about this--the arbitrariness.

 

Complete shut downs, in my experience, last forever. You may once again speak to your ex but it won't be the same. The conversations will be forced or stilted. Some relationships are doomed and you just never know why.

 

Move on, my friend, move on. Go out on that date and have a good time.

[tk2003]

"Just not even bother contacting the other person? Has anyone ever been through something like this before? Someone just not even talking to you whatsoever at the end of a relationship?"

 

Yes going through it right now...he started acting weird all of a sudden, started pulling away and now we are 4 months, no contact. This is after being together almost 5 years.

 

 

 

I believe there is some truth to what Bark is saying b/c he's done it himself. Not to get into the whole "committment phobia" hype, but that sort of behavior is mentioned in the book. Pulling away from relationships at a time when nothing was apparently wrong, then rationalizing it in your head by finding things wrong with them. You keep doing it until the mere thought of that person you once held so dear irritates you.

 

Its said but there are people out here who are not ready, nor capable of seeing a "real" relationship through. We cannot change them, all we can do is try to move on and find those that truly are ready.

[bark]

The $64,000 question is the following: Can we ever know with sufficient certainty that the person with whom we bond will never shut down in the relationship.

 

Are there indicators--signs if you will--that a prospective partner is "real relationship phobic" or shut down prone? Some obvious signs would be the number of his relationships:, whether he ended some or all of these relationships; and the strength of his grounds for doing so. These all could be future shut down predictors. The tragedy is that when we fall in love we believe that things will be different with us. They're not.

[UCFKevin]

I personally don't think there is really any sign of something like this happening.

 

See, what started this all was when I went to see her a few weeks ago before she went to a wedding with her guy friend. She thought I was there to meet him and check up on her but I was there to just see her since I Hadn't seen her in weeks. I think she was WAITING for the chance, just waiting for a reason, regardless of it's validity, to get pissed off at me because when we talked the next night she wasn't that pleasant at all, she JUMPED at the chance to be mad at me, even though I told her the truth. She chose not to believe me apparently or got upset about me storming off like I did, whatever the case, what happened shoudl NOT have been reason enough for her to do this. She said she'd try to call me the next day and that was the last I'd heard from her. Up until that point, things were pretty good between us, I'd told her I'd let her be and she'd call me every few days and we'd talk and it'd be great, kinda casual but still hearing from her is better than not at all. Sometimes things would get a little heated but they'd get resolved. At least she SAID things were okay unless she was pulling a typical "I say things are okay when in actuality they're not," which is not fair to me at all, the least she could do is tell the truth.

 

The guy before me at least got an official break up when she confronted him and talked to him and ended things, I'm not even getting that at all. Do you think this is happening because she's too scared to do that to me? Or because she truly wants nothing to do with me and is self-irritated of me? Is it a lack of respect? Or fear?

 

She certainly wasn't commitment phobic, before the break, we'd talk about being together forever, and she obviously...well, at the time, obviously wanted to be with me and love me for the rest of our lives.

 

This all should've been fixed. I guess she's not the person I thought she was, and the thought that she might be seeing someone else is just horrifying and disgusting to me, but at this point, there's not a thing I can do about, so I'm just gonna live my life and go out and meet new people. She's going to be an incredibly tough act to follow, her personality...God, folks, when I say this girl was an angel, I mean that completely, I've never met anyone with a personality like hers. This is all just so horrible. But I guess it's a part of life. Just when you think things are fine, you get smacked in the face with something like this.

[bark]

The guy before me at least got an official break up when she confronted him and talked to him and ended things, I'm not even getting that at all. Do you think this is happening because she's too scared to do that to me? Or because she truly wants nothing to do with me and is self-irritated of me? Is it a lack of respect? Or fear?

 

I suspect she's avoiding unpleasantness. She has moved on emotionally with someone else and she believes any discussions with you would degenerate into a blame game and recriminations. She probably feels, "why bother."

 

I don't believe she's irritated with you. But she must know that you still love her and that any conversation would be of the "How could you do this to me?" variety. I bet she doesn't have a ready, let alone satisfactory, answer.

 

So, for her, it's easier to melt away from your life than account for her betrayal of you. The easy road is the road most often taken. I know because I've taken that road often.

[UCFKevin]

Well, that's a very cowardly way to live.

 

Running away from problems doesn't fix them, it usually leaves someone else in the dust with a lot of pain and heartache.

 

All I want is "It's over", instead I get NOTHING. That's horribly unfair, disrespectful and insensitive. And like I said, even the dude before me got an official break up, and they were together for 10 months.

 

I beg ALL of you to not do something like this. Do you have any idea what it does to the other person? It's as close to hell as I can imagine.

[Butterfly1]

Hello again. I just want you to think about whether or not she really is as wonderful as you claim her to be. First, its TOTALLY unfair and selfish of her to just cut you out like she did. Where in this is she or has she considered your feelings or what her actions do to you. She accussed you of checking up on her when you weren't. For some reason, this girl has the idea that you were whether it be justified or not. You stormed off (for good reason I might add) and then she eventually stops talkign to you not granting you closure in any way at all.

 

Well, she is not gving you that closure like she did with her ex boyfriend becuase she doesn't want to...she is not ready to. Its totally selfish and unfair but thats what she is doing. See what else is out there, move on and keep the door slighly ajar to you so that in case things don't work out, she can come back to you.

 

If she were thinking what is best for you, how her actions affect you, she would have given you the respect of an official break up. When people go on "breaks" thats just the first step towards a breakup. Its, I want to break up with you but not sure how i am going to feel about it, so lets just do this in steps in case i change my mind. Its ALL about that person. Even now, its all about what she wants.

 

You have to open your eyes and see that this girl is not the angel you make her out to be. She isn't thinking about what is the most respectful way to treat you - -just doing what she wants. You deserve so much more then that. If she ever comes back, don't take her back because honesty she will do that again until she grows up and stops running.

[UCFKevin]

Well...she WAS the most wonderful person I'd ever met before all this, but this break has, I'm afraid, shown her true colors. I don't think she's who she used to be at all. I hate to have the image of her in my mind tainted, but Christ, the way she's been treating me is horrible. Like I said, she was WAITING for something to be pissed off about, to be mad at me for, when in actuality the reason I was actually there SHOULD'VE made her happy. Two weeks of not seeing her, and the first thing she can think is, "He's here to check up on me! Hmph!" Ridiculous.

 

I have a feeling that what's going to happen is when I completely move on and live my life without her, she's going to want to come back. And I don't know if I'll want her to or not, not after all this. Two weeks ago, I would take her back in a SECOND but now...I'm not so sure. I mean, yeah, she needed her time and space, but at what cost? Neglecting me completely? That's rotten.

 

I agree, that this break was really stupid. In retrospect. Hindsight is 20/20. We should've just broken up. I have a feeling she WANTED to break up fully with me but seeing my reaction is what changed her mind and she decided to give our relationship a break instead of being broken up. Now, whether she didn't really want that or not, who the hell knows. I wouldn't doubt it. But you're right. It HAS been all about her. Not me. My feelings haven't been regarded whatsoever.

 

She's not respecting me at all, it's downright malicious how she's being. I deserve closure, if it's over, I mean it's OBVIOUSLY over, two and a half years and I don't even warrant a f*cking phone call? That's how much I mean to her? Jesus. Incredible.

 

I honestly don't know what the hell I'd do if she wanted to come back. I love this girl so much, and miss her so incredibly much, but the past two weeks have really changed things. Not only is there intense love, there's also intense anger. Maybe that's what she's been going for, wanting me to be pissed off at her and break things off completely so that she wouldn't have to.

 

It's just so damn heartbreaking. I hate to think of living without her, but it looks like I have no choice now.

[justwannabehappy]

Dear Kevin,

 

I'm new to this forum and I've been reading your post for awhile, the more I read your story and posts, the more it sounds like mine. Like you, my boyfriend of 1yr & 5 months is on a break with me, or actually this is the 'second break' my full story is on <He wants a break but is still living w/ me, my heart is breaking>

 

This pain that they put us through is completely unbearable. Their actions are clearly wrong and messed up but for some reason, everybody, even their own friends could see it but themselves.

 

Like you have posted on your last post, I'm starting to see his true colors now and it hurts like hell. He has always convinced me that I was the only for him and him for me. My bf still lives with me, share my bed, but then comes and goes, sometime not even coming home at all. This break has been about 1month now. At first its wasn't that bad but then he just keeps on acting worst and worst. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm starting to feel that anger that you're experiencing creeping in on me and honestly, I'm terrified of it, becasue I don't want to feel that way, I'm feeling really scared that I will stop loving him....

 

Kevin, I think u and I really have much in common, I would really like to hear from you, please check out my story. Its comforting to know that I'm not the only one but then, knowing how much pain there is to it, I actually wish no one else would have to go though this and that I'm the only one................

[Aquilah]

Seeing as we're all in the same boat.

 

It is the worst feeling in the world to hear that the person you loved and still love more than anything has somehow "fallen out of love" with you. Six years together and now he doesn't want me enough to try to work on some of the problems we've had.

 

I know about the relationship limbo, we did that for over a month. We both suggested the idea of a break, me out of anger for being ignored and hurt and him because he just didn't want to be with me anymore and didn't have the guts to admit the truth. Then came the call that ended any hope I had that we might still be able to fix things.

 

My friends keep telling me not to try and call him, just try to pick up the pieces and move on. The problem is that I DON"T WANT TO! I just want things back the way they were. I don't want to not love him anymore. I wish I could be angry with him and swear that I would never take him back because it would be so much easier. I want to "try" to move on so that he might change his mind. That's just deluding myself though. I don't know what to do. Its just so hard not to call and not to contact him since I think about him every minute.

 

Sigh. I want to be mad, I want the hurt to outweigh the love that I still have and I wish I could tell myself that I'm better off, but I can't yet. I don't have any advice, everyone keeps telling me that time will fix everything, but its awfully hard to wait. Go on the date, have fun, try and forget her. Try to make it real. Maybe it will become natural eventually and maybe you won't take her back even if she crawls.

 

Good Luck

[UCFKevin]

I'm going to wait until the end of the month, that'll make the break three months long and our no contact thing one month long, which was COMPLETELY unspurred and came without warning or anything, so after that amount of time, it's DONE. I mean...it's been done but in my heart and my mind (they've been fighting a lot) I'll know it's finished.

 

I'm thinking about writing her a letter about how I feel and dropping off a box of her stuff that's still at my place. It's not going to be a very kind letter but what the hell does it matter at that point? Unless she's going for the "go away for a few months and come back" angle, which I doubt, and I Don't even know if I'd take her back if she did that anyway. I want her to know what she's done to me. I don't want to just walk away and let things be and act like nothing happened or nothing went wrong, no, to hell with that. I've never been one to close up my feelings, so I sure as hell am not going to start now.

 

I don't want to move on at all, I miss her so much, after all this time, all this pain, I still want her back so badly, but the reality of the situation is slowly setting in. I'm sure she's with someone else and has completely gotten over me, so...that's what I have to do now.

 

It's just so hard when you associate almost EVERYTHING with the other person. Every movie, every food, every show, every song, every place you go, it reminds you of the other person. I want nothing more than for her to come back to me, I did nothing that warrants this sort of thing, but I guess it happens in life sometimes. Some people work through problems, some others run away from them. I know which one I am, and I now know which one she is.

[Mr_Knox]

There are so many posts on this thread but I haven't seen anyone take this angle yet. Allot of times peple get into relationships based on need. Something they think they need to be happy, content, or complete. Be it sex, attention, company, finance, security, or whatever. These false needs are so strong and so ingrained most of the time that when we come across an opportunity to have them filled we will make many comprimises to have them met. The feeling of having these seudo needs fufilled by someone is intoxicating... Much like love. And is often mistaken for love.

So you (or her or both) comprimise and continue to do so as long as the needs are being met. But that can last for only so long before one of you starts to give in and slowly, you begin you show traits which you have hidden. Things that in the beginning could have caused tention and jepoardized your needs being met. Or sometimes the need just goes away after it is met. You get thirsty so you drink water, then you aren't thirsty anymore. All your left with then is an empty cup. Like allot of relationships.

[UCFKevin]

It wasn't need. I was fine before I met her. Had been single for a long time. It was love.

 

But it's over.

 

The way I found out wasn't from a phone call, a face to face or even an email. I found out we were finished by randomly looking at her profile on AOL and seeing her marital status as "I'm allergic to diamonds" when it was "taken" before. I hadn't heard from her in almost two weeks at all.

 

I gathered all of her stuff and put it in a box and a bag and drove it to her place, planning on just dropping it off, but she was there. I rang the doorbell, she answered, said hi, and I said, "Here's the rest of your stuff," and walked away. She said, "Thanks" and began to close the door but I turned around and said, "Were you going to tell me? Were you going to actually let me know we were finished?"

 

She said, "Yeah...I was planning on emailing you soon." EMAILING. Two and a half years and all I'm worth is an email.

 

I tell her, "You know how I found out we're finished? By reading your AOL profile."

 

So she came out and we began talking about stuff, and at one point she said, "You know what? I'm done" and went to go inside but I stopped her.

 

It turns out she's been seeing that guy she went to the wedding with for the past two weeks. She's SEEING the guy she thought I came to meet the last time I saw her. She was pissed off at me beacuse she thought I was there to see him, and now SHE'S going out with him. Is this some sort of revenge thing to make herself feel better? I said, "So that's another lie. You said you weren't interested in him." SHe said, "I wasn't interested in him when you asked me that." So she suddenly became interested in him in like a day? Lovely.

 

SHe said me coming over to see her before the wedding is what killed any chance of working things out, which I think is absolutely ridiculous, it's obviously just an easy way out for her. She said she still cares deeply about me but doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to see me again.

 

She was extremely rude and completely compassionless the entire time. There was no sorrow whatsoever in anything she said. I told her that she's clearly not the person I thought she was, and she said, "I guess not." She said she dealt with our problems before because she thought it would be worth it but that changed. I asked her why she bothered giving me hope and telling me we'd work things out and she said she wanted to work things out until I came over before the wedding, but I just can't believe that whatsoever.

 

She didn't give me a chance to work on things. She's a coward. She's a coward who would rather run away from her problems than deal with them. The fact that I was so hopelessly devoted and in love with her had no bearing whatsoever. She doesn't give a damn about me anymore. I guess she hasn't for a while. I asked why she slept with me twice, if it was just because she was horny and I was an easy out, and she said it was because of her feelings for me. She kept on back tracking over EVERYTHING she said. She was in love with me, she wasn't. She wanted to be with me, she didn't. She had feelings for me and she doesn't. She missed me and she didn't. She made no sense. She was just downright evil last night. I guess that makes her feel better to be like that. No matter that it costs me my heart.

 

She asked if I wanted my apartment's key back. I said okay. She gave it to me and I threw it into the street and said, "Have a wonderful life, Mary." She said, "You too." And that was that.

 

I'm stunned. I'm just...I feel dead inside. THe fact that she could be capable of being like this is f*cking insane. But at least I found out now instead of a few years down the line when a lot more was invested in our relationship.

 

I guess the only way to think right now is that today is the first day of the rest of my life.

 

I just wish it would've been with her.

 

So that's that.

[Butterfly1]

You did absolutely NOTHING wrong. That was such an excuse on her part to blame you for coming over before the wedding as the reason why it didn't work out. She said that just so you would feel the guilt that she carries. She is obviously not the woman you thought she was becuase how she treated you last night was completely uncalled for and mean. I can only think she acted like this because she feels tremendous guilt for what she has done. She knows she hasn't been honest with you and I think thats part of the reason she hasn't been able to face you.

 

My cousin dated a guy for five years and thought she was going to marry him. She, like the guy described about the post prior, is extremely needed and I think part of the reason it lasted that long was because she couldn't be alone. This guy was completely inlove with her. Anyway, she met someone else at work and started to ignore and withdraw from her boyfriend and asked him for a break. She wanted him to just get the hint and go away so she didn't have to deal with breaking up with him (which shows immaturity and selfishness) but we made her break up with him in person....which she did when he took the train 45 minutes in to to see her and broke up with him in the train stationand told him that she never wanted to see him again and blamed it on something he did instead of telling him the truth.

 

I think the truth is too much for her to bare right now because she knows she has misled you, she has broken your trust and she has been selfish. I don't think its because she doesn't have feelings for you but I think she can't deal with seeing you right now out of her own guilt. Blames it on the fact that you came over when it is really about her.

 

All I can tell you about your girlfriend is that she, like my cousin, had a lot of growing up to do. My cousin started dating this new guy that fit better her criteria of "the perfect guy" when two years later he turned out to be a much nutcase. My cousin could be the sweetest nicest person in the world but she was also so needy (she could NEVER be alone) that every person she dated was always super serious because thats how she was able to fill her needs until they couldn't be met anymore.

 

I would honestly feel sorry for your girlfriend. She is immature, selfish and I do believe that what goes around comes around. The guy my cousin broke up with was the best guy she ever met and she lost him due to her own problems and neediness. At least you finally got your closure.

[Zankon]

Kevin, man I know what you're going through. All what she said made no sense.

Read this: my ex (4 years and some months) and I broke up about 3 months ago (same tming as yours). We had sex Mon, she dated him Wed, I knew on Fri, we officially broke up Mon, she moved in with him Tue. All in one week!

 

Her reasons: I love you but I have to go with him. Never understood any of her excuses.

You can read my post "she went with a rich man..."

 

And exactly as you said, I swear I don't recognize her anymore... she was sweet and angelic and I always thought that if I hurt her anytime I d rather kill myself cuz she was so sweet. During the break up, she just didn't give a da** about m feelings and it seemed to me I was takling to the devil himself!!!!

 

I gotta say, life got a lot to show me !

[UCFKevin]

Butterfly, thank you. What you said seems like it rings pretty true. I don't feel like I did anything wrong either. Not even her GRANDMOTHER thinks I did anything wrong.

 

Zankon...it seems like just when you think you know somebody, just when you have them pegged, when you have things figured out...you're dead.

 

I don't think we'll ever be able to truly understand women. I've stopped trying.

[hurts so bad]

Well, it's probably been about 2 months since I have posted on this board. But after reading your entire thread, I felt that this was a post I could not just pass up. I am somewhat in the same position as you, and many other people on this board. I have asked myself the same question over and over again....but I have yet to come up with an answer.

 

I will give you a little background to my situation. I was with my 'ex' seriously for 4 1/2 years. This 'break up' all started about 3 months ago....when one day he just stopped answering my calls. I really didn't understand, since everything had been fine the day before, when I had talked to him. He said the normal 'I love you's', said he would talk to me the next day, there was no indication that there was a problem. Anyways, I finally get an e-mail a couple of days later....him saying that he was depressed and confused about a lot of things...and that he was using this time to think.....and that as soon as he got things figured out, he would give me a call. At that time I decided that I wasn't going to call him, or e-mail him....I was going to give him his space.

 

Fast forward to a month and a half later, and I still hadn't heard a thing from him. So, I decided to e-mail him, and ask him what was up with us. Well, guess what, I got no reply. I was baffled!! I couldn't believe that the person I thought I knew better than he even knew himself....could do this to me!

 

Two weeks later I e-mail him and tell him that he was being selfish and immature, and that it was obvious he didn't want to work this out. I asked him to get all of my belongings together, so I could pick them up. I even asked when would be a good time for him, to get my stuff. He replied back and made excuses why he didn't reply to my last e-mail. Excuses that didn't justify his behavior or the situation one bit. He also said, "I will also get your things together, if that is what you want". If this is what I WANT? Are you kidding? This has not been MY choice. Is this the same person, that I have known for almost 5 years? Anyways..I replied back and said that he had made no effort to contact me in the last 2 months, so that is what I thought he wanted. I also told him that just because he is stressed, it doesn't mean he should shut everybody out of his life. He wrote back and said that he is sorry to shut me out, but he thinks he shuts everybody out...and that all he ever does anymore is work, workout, and sleep. To please not be mad at him, but he needs to be alone at this time in his life, that he can't handle anybody except himself. I wrote him back and told him it sounded like he was depressed, and that he should consider seeing a doctor. I told him that I loved and cared about him soooo much. And that maybe when he felt better, maybe we could work things out. That was a month ago....and I never got another reply back.

 

So the point I was trying to make, Kevin....was I don't even feel like I know this person anymore either....and it makes me sick to my stomach. I bent over backwards for him.....and this is what I get?? Not even a phone call these past 3 months to talk about this. To even say it over the phone. I don't get it! I really don't! These past 3 months, he has been so cold, heartless, uncaring, selfish, disrespectful, and downright cruel, to say the least. Something he has never been before. And the sad thing is.....is that I still love this man with all of my heart. And would probably take him back in a heartbeat. But I'm like you Kevin, all I want is "It's over"...because I feel like I can't move on....because he hasn't come right out and said it. I don't even know what to do anymore....I thought maybe the 'no contact' would make him come back....and I think it might have backfired on me! Maybe, he is just never going to talk to me again. I feel like he hates me, and just don't care anymore. When, he used to love and adore me. It sucks! Sorry for the long post....just thought I would explain my situation a bit.

[Butterfly1]

I was in the bookstore the other day and picked up "The Inbetween Boyfriend book" - it was written by one of the writers of Sex and the City. The first chapter of the book is all about how a lot of men chicken out of breakups and ignore the other person or do really immature things because they can't deal with having that talked. It was actually pretty funny -- One guy had dated a woman for a few years, were about to get engaged while in Europe and just woke up one morning and left her while she was sleeping.....another woman went to her boyfriends apartment and the doorman told her that "he was never coming down...again".

 

My exboyfriend broke up with me on a VOICEMAIL! He was acting distant and confused (for a total of a week) Stood me up one night and then calls me a few days later and leaves me a voicemail that said "I guess we aren't dating anymore...."

 

I think some guys (and girls) have hard time having these talks. Like UFCKevin exgirlfriend they either don't have to give that person closure yet (becuase they are not ready) or they simply are not mature enough to have that conversation. Your exboyfriend also sounds like my ex ex boyfriend -- these guys that are depressed, you cannot help them. As much as you think your love will help them get through this, it is something that only they can deal with on their own.

 

I am sure one day you will hear from him but hopefully by then you will have met someone happy and content and someone who will go out of his way to make you smile.

[KitKat21]

Kevin,

All I can say is KARMA!! She'll get hers just as the guy that crushed my heart to a million pieces will get his(sorry I had to vent)!! This new guy will eventually get tired of her and she will be left with nothing but a memory of a man like you that would have given her anything to make her happy. It sucks so bad when it seems like your so in love with eachother and shi* like this happens, it's confusing as hell!! I know it's easier said than done, but FUC* HER!!!!

[midori]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

I'm stunned. I'm just...I feel dead inside. THe fact that she could be capable of being like this is f*cking insane. But at least I found out now instead of a few years down the line when a lot more was invested in our relationship.

 

I agree with your assessment of the situation. I think that part of what might be going on is that whatever her reasons are for running, she is more inclined to do so when she knows you've got a candle burning in the window for her. In a weird way, maybe she was kind of telling the truth about your visit before the wedding. Not because you were wrong to go over there, or because of anything you did other than show that you really cared.

 

Some people have a weird push/pull thing. They don't want to be in a deeply loving, committed relationship (for whatever reason), but they really don't want to let go of the person who loves them. Losing that person's love is too painful. So if their partner shows some measure of ambivalence about the relationship, or doesn't get too upset at the prospect of breaking up, they want to stick closer. It's not too scary for them -- and in fact ambivalence from their partner is preferable in a way, because then they're not the ones responsible for the fact that the relationship isn't as smooth as it could be. But if their partner shows devotion and trust and love, they back away quickly.

 

And they usually end up sabotaging things -- often by quickly "falling in love" with a new person. They don't give good explanations, because there aren't any to give. They just disappear: that way they don't have to deal with the reality of their inconsistencies. And they also don't have to suffer through watching their former lover find someone else to love. They never wanted to lose that love. They just couldn't deal with it.

 

It's weird and sad. On the bright side, you didn't marry her. No kids. Much better than if you had ties that couldn't be undone.

 

Sorry, it sucks. I know. But it's not because of you or anything you did. It's her and her messed-up way of being. She hasn't forgotten you. She just can't bear to remember, so she pushes on with the next guy. And the cycle continues.

[meanon]

Kevin

 

When she loved you your girlfriend treated you well but what you have now discovered is that she can be an extremely unprincipled person when her own interests are threatened. She concealed this when your interests coincided. It is very common for people who lack the guts to finish relationships in an honest responsible manner to use another relationship as a way out. Usually they accept that they are the guilty party and try and explain how it happened. Your girlfriend has both started a new relationship and blamed you for it!

 

Grieve for the relationship with the person you thought you knew but be under no illusions - one day you would have found out what she was like and then she would have made you very unhappy. One day you will be glad she is out of your life.

 

One of the most difficult things to come to terms with is that we do not fully know those who we think we know. You had a depth of relationship with this woman that makes you think you knew her fully. Whilst we can never completely know someone, I think you will experience a greater depth of relationship with another and therefore be able to trust again. But only if you beware of this sentiment:

 

I don't think we'll ever be able to truly understand women. I've stopped trying.

 

You can see from the site that both men and women have been through what you have been through. Don't let her inflict even greater damage on you by ruining your chances of future relationships through bitterness. Direct your anger where it belongs - at her. You have the right attitude:

 

today is the first day of the rest of my life

[UCFKevin]

I'm not letting myself be bitter. I did that with my first breakup and I HATED women for like a year. It was pointless.

 

With this one...I'm just still in shock. I don't like how it ended. I don't like that it was so horrible and immature. I don't want to go see her or call her but I'm going to write her a letter and kinda...I dunno, not fix things but go out in a better way. I want to be the better man, I don't want to be an angry, resentful bastard.

 

Midori, everything you said seems right on. I guess it was more of her problem than mine, more her fault than mine. I was willing to fix things, she wasn't. That's the bottom line.

 

Hurts so bad...that sounds like a horrible situation. No contact at all. Your guy sounds really messed up in the head. Really sucks to be hurt by someone you love, and sucks even worse when you still want them back after the hurt.

 

There's a quote from the Matrix Revolutions that's very fitting. I can't remember it exactly, but it's something like, "The characteristics of being in love are very similar to the characteristics of insanity."

[tom]

In my opinion the best revenge is living well!

[Arabess]

WOW Kevin....this turned out to be a really long thread. Seems like the whole group has walked in your shoes. I guess the high point is....they are still walking. Only in the beginning does it feel like your whole world is caving in on you.

 

All you can really do is put all their crap in a memory box which will gravitate between feelings like a prized possession to something you wish you could KICK across the friggin parking lot!! You'll spend the rest of your life contemplating whether she was a "nice person who turned into an A$$"....or if she was "Always an A$$ who convinced you she was a nice person".......

 

Either way won't matter...but it'll keep you entertained over beer for years.

 

Hope you are feeling better than you were a couple of days ago.

 

Arabess