Questionable? Posted November 9, 2003 Share Posted November 9, 2003 I was reading over the "Friends with Benefits" thread from a few months ago, and I would like some advice. Sounds like a lot of you out there are good at it! Since I am looking for a non-bias opinion, I thought who better than a bunch of strangers! (haha) So maybe you can help me out some, here goes: I am a 28 yr old women and I have been divorced for 2 1/2 years. I have had a friend with benefits, for almost 2 years since my divorce, I guess bc of the being in fear of being trapped back into a bad relationship. Anyway, I had one friend who was great. No strings attached, nothing but great benefits. It was everything I wanted, he would come over, we would hang out some, then have our fun and then he would leave. Only seen him about 2-3 times a month. Then he started spending the night and then after a year he started coming over more and then saying he had more feelings for me and he wanted me to be his girlfriend, he loved me, etc... Needless to say this freaked me out. So, I decided the best for us was just to be friends. (no more benefits) I have not seen him in about 9 months. But, Not bc we left on bad terms. Bc of it getting too serious on his side. This was my first experience with the friends with benefits system. FYI - I use protection always, even if they are my close friends. I am still careful! OK - now I have recruited another friend with benefits, for about 6 months now. We too have a great time in the bedroom together and all that is cool. I wasn't looking for a replacement, and he didn't know I had one before him. (does now) But, now he wants us to hang out with our other friends all of the time. And he wants to hang out with me all of the time. Just us. He calls me almost every day, just to see how things are going and what I am doing. Sometimes several times a day. When we are finished in the bed room he loves to hold me and snuggle and kiss. And always spends the night. I dont know what to think about all this? We see each other about 3-4 times a week, and now he is having to move out of his apt and he has asked to stay with me until he can find another place? I have not told him he could, yet. But, I am a very giving person and I see myself letting him crash here for a while, until he can get a new place. Is it just me or does this sound a little too much like a relationship??? It scares me to death! I have decided to tell him he will have to stay on the couch, if I let him stay here. Dont know how he will feel about that?? I have explained to him that I am not ready for a relationship, since my divorce. Nor do I want a relationship right now. He has voiced the same to me. That he is not ready for a relationship and that he doesn't want one either. But, then in the same breath, he will get soooo jelous if any other guy talks to me. Even if it is one of our friends. Then he will say thins like he is confused about where we stand? Then he assures me again that he doesn't want a relationship, and I like hanging out with him. But, I am NOT ready for a relationship, yet. What do you make of this??? (Sorry so long) Link to post Share on other sites
ArdeaCandidissima Posted November 9, 2003 Share Posted November 9, 2003 First of all...congratulations on the fairly mature attitude towards FWB relationships. IT's great that you have avoided any blowups or severe pain. If you don't want a relationship, then don't let this guy get any closer. Absolutely no staying at your place, even on the couch. It could be very awkward to get him out if he doesn't find a new apartment. If he's desperate for temporary lodging, I'm sure he has at least one regular guy friend who has a couch. I am wondering if this could just be a half-baked ploy to plop himself closer into your life. You've been doing well so far at sticking to your own ground rules...why would you stop now? I'm a bit curious...are you ever going to be ready for a new relationship? If you felt there was a good chance of it working out, would you be willing to take the plunge? If you have hopes of someday being ready for a new committed relationship, I suggest asking yourself whether continuous FWB relations will increase or decrease your skills and chances in the committed arena. I would worry about developing too much of a utilitarian, "arm's length" attitude towards my sex partners that might be hard to unlearn, and also about whether the existence of my FWB would discourage any potential REAL boyfriends out there. Bottom line...if this guy is jealous, he is not being a good FWB. And to protect your friendship and your privacy, do NOT let him move in with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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