Afraid to call him

[sunkissedsuz]

I am very confused right now. My ex boyfriend and I dated for 2 and a half years. Last year he was away at university 2 hours away (he's a year older) and we stayed together. He came home frequently and I would visit him - it was working out alright. Somewhere through the year though I started to get restless. I wondered what else was out there. I had only been with one person and I guess I was afraid we would be together forever and I would never get to experience what else was out there. I guess he started to feel the same way because in July of this year he told me that he wanted to break up.

 

He basically said that he loved me and that I was the perfect girl for him in a long term relationship but right now he wanted to go out and experience being young, something I also wanted. For the past 4 months I have been having an awesome time being single and have met a lot of new people but here's my dilemma - I miss my ex boyfriend terribly now. I'm just sick of being single. I miss not having someone care about me or love me at all. I now go to the same university as him which is very difficult. We never run into each other but its still hard knowing that he's so close by and we're not together.

 

So basically I ran into him once during frosh week, called him on his birthday in early September and haven't spoken to him since. We tried to be friends right away in the summer but it didnt work out and we didn't end up talking for 2 months - he was supposed to call me one day but he thought I was supposed to call him instead and because of this mix-up both of us were too stubborn to call the other.

 

This weekend we are both back in our home town and I am sitting here debating whether or not I should call him. I don't know what I would say to him. I miss him terribly but I'm not sure I want to forfeit my single life nor have I decided whether I am ok with just being friends with him - I'm very confused. Idon't know whether I miss him because I'm sick of all the guys at university and want to be in relationship or if I actually miss him. I think a huge part of me does actually miss him but I know he's changed a lot since we've dated and I'm sure I have too. I miss the guy I was in love with for so long. If I call him, do you think he will see me as being desperate and wanting to get back together with him? I basically just want to establish some sort of contact with him and I feel like now that we're both back home for a few days this is the perfect oppourtunity. I don't feel like I could just be friends with him at school because he lives this totally different life now - i dont know any of his friends, I've never been in his house - it's all foreign to me. At least if we talked here we would be at home where a lot will be familiar even if its strange that we;re not together.

 

My friends from home that knew me when I dated him have suggested I not call, that I'm better than him and will find someone else yet my school friends see on a daily basis how much I miss him and urge me to call.. I dont know what to do. If I screw this phone call up I dont know if I'll ever get another chance to be with him again. I don't want him to think that I can't survive without him I just want to tell him that I miss him being in my life in one form or another and find out if he feels the same way.. Is this an awful idea? I'm so terrified to pick up the phone.

[tredulce]

Ask yourself the question I'm about to pose, and answer it as honestly as you can:

 

Do you miss him or miss the benefits of a relationship?

 

They are two seperate things, and if you miss the benefits of a relationship but not neccesarily the facets of who he is, then you just need to find a new guy. If you actually miss things about him--you should consider the dating option.

 

Call him, or you'll always regret it. YOu need to tell him this stuff, and maybe spend some time with him. You can both either fall in love all over again--or see how much you've both changed.

 

But, you have to do it, and I think you know that.

 

Go pick up that phone, good luck:)

[sunkissedsuz]

You're so right. I was just sitting here thinking that this is the last chance I'll have to talk to him while we're both home until the new year. We probably won't be back in the city at the same time until Christmas and he's going away with his family for the entire holiday. This is my only chance. I just don't want to appear desperate. I'm afraid I'll come across as wanting to get back together with him.

[tredulce]

You won't come across that way. If you two have such a history, he'll be happy to hear from you because people with history always harbor affection for eachother in some way or another.

 

Just be honest with him. Have a sit down talk over coffee or a mindless movie or something. He'll be honest with you, too. That's the only way this will get worked out.

 

I think you're really doing the right thing. Be sure to post about how it goes!

 

Good luck

[grounded]

I don't know that calling him would be good for 2 reasons: 1) he broke up with you. Especially for a guy, you can't chase him. Instead, it sounds like you called him first. Granted, it was nice, but perhaps not the best way to get him back. 2) he had an opportunity to establish contact again and he did not. I don't mean to be insensitive, but maybe he really thought you were supposed to call him, maybe not.

 

It may be better to let him come to you, even though it may be the hardest thing you have ever done. If there is a mutual friend, they could let him know you asked about him and see what happens. Sit tight. You don't want to have any regrets down the road and your regret may come from contacting him instead of letting him come to you. Doing nothing may be the best way to get him back.

 

Regardless, hang in there. It is a hard situation. good luck.

[sunkissedsuz]

He is not a very proactive person though. He will definatly not call me. He has always waited for me to come to him. I'm even more confused now. If I call I could screw things up but if I don't it could have the same negative outcome.. But if I call now and find that he's become a totally different guy that doesnt want anything to do with me then at least I'll know and won't spend the next few months wondering about him and pushing away other guys

[sunkissedsuz]

I guess I just kind of hoped that I would bump into him in a bar and we'd start talking again and it would all fall into place. That hasn't happened yet though and I guess I'm afraid that if I wait any longer then he'll find someone else.

[grounded]

You say it was always you that was proactive and called him when you got back together. Yet, it never worked out with it starting again like that. Yes, there is a chance he could meet someone else. But most of the time it does not work out when someone that has significant feelings for you goes out with someone else. Chances are if he does go out with someone else, they will fail. I say hang in there and see if he contacts you. When you make decisions during very emotional times, they are often the wrong one. Be strong. Try to create some emotional independence from him. If you do, it will only help both of you to succeed should you try again. If one needs the other a lot more, it won't work.

[IOnceWasHis]

If you love this man at all and don't want him completely out of your life, call him. What's it going to hurt? It takes courage to make contact after time passes and when history is involved. But, I would almost bet that he would like to hear from you. You never know. You could begin as friends, and there's no telling what that relationship could blossom into.

 

It's the holiday season! Be near loved ones, including your ex. He might be missing you just as much as you are missing him, but one of you has to say something. Maybe you could sit down with him and discuss what the two of you are currently looking for.

 

And, I agree with the post above regarding asking yourself the question "Do you miss HIM or miss being in a relationship?" That's a very wise question and the answer could change your whole attitude.

 

Good luck to you, and God bless!

[sunkissedsuz]

I decided not to call him and it was the best thing I could have done. Three days after I put my first post here I ran into him in a bar. He was standing next to some girl and I could sense that something was going on between them yet I didn't really care which surprised me. I guess I just realized how much my life has changed without him and maybe i've been feeling upset lately because I miss the comfort of a relationship but not so much him. I'm not sure.

 

Anyway seeing him was like seeing an old friend. We both ran up to each other and hugged and then talked for a couple of minutes before several of my friends came and got me to go dance.. I ignored him for the rest of the night only to catch him looking at me several times. He left the bar early and I'm not sure why. Perhaps he was upset to see me? I think he still has feelings for me but I've realized that the only way back into his life is just to play it cool. I guess the time isn't right for us to get back together and I guess now I'm feeling that if its meant to happen then it will.

 

If I had called him then I would have given him the message that I wanted him back and that run in at the bar would have been awkward. For once I think he saw me as having a life without him and as an independent woman. It was awesome!