I am falling apart

[moo]

oh, okay. So I read about the book, "No More Mister Nice Guy." I see. So it's not telling men to be mean. It's telling men to be honest with themselves and to be good to themselves.

 

Sounds good. I'm going to share this with my roommate.

[Exit]

That's the only thing that is killing me, that I can't get through this mental block in her mind, her feelings that because I did not do this all in the first place and only now realize it, she finds no worth in that. And I'm sure she's not the only person who has ever felt like "you only care now because I left", but god, don't some people give in and reconcile? What's the difference between people who can accept a genuine apology, who can see the pain on someone's face and realize that they truly are sorry, and the people who feel like "you're lying, you didn't offer me any of this soon enough, you're chasing me because you're scared to be alone".

 

I've been crying my eyes out since my last post a few minutes ago. I wish I could be mad at her but I can only blame myself. It is my fault that I'm not with her right now and someone else is. I would love to get to the point of forgiving myself, but that seems to go hand-in-hand with her coming back. How can I forgive myself when clearly, based on the situation, I am not being forgiven.

 

I spent 3 months reading books about how to be a better person. I'd occassionally write to her and tell her what I learned and how I've been changing. And I just don't get how she can see more value in a new guy, who might be treating her better just by chance, but what about someone who was willing to make an effort.

 

I know I'm only remembering the good and not the bad, but that's the difference, the "bad" about her wasn't that big of a deal to me. I'd get mad that she'd leave her cellphone ringer off at night and I couldn't reach her. I'd get mad when I'd make plans for us, but then she'd have to go with family instead and I'd be left with nothing to do. But never did it change my feelings about her. Never was it enough to think that I didn't want her in my life.

 

I have spent a lot of time forcing myself to remember the bad things about her, all the days I sat here hurt, all the times she hurt me and she knew it, and it makes me feel better for a while, but again, none of those things were ever bad enough that I thought I'd be happier without her. They were just part of our relationship, I don't expect things to be great 24/7.

[wontgohomewou]

You're not falling apart.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IHbMGk3pCw

 

Live it bro.

[Heartbroken-idiot]

everyone tells me just think of the bad things, look what shes putting you through and i do but it doesnt matter to me like you, the bad things do not NEARLY catch up with the good things that she had to offer and i would take all those bad things in an instance just for half of the good things again.

 

and the more i read where people are still in so much pain 3 months, 6 months a year down the line the more i think shi t .

 

I am lucky because my ex doesnt have anyone else nor as far as i know does she want anyone, but then that just keeps the flame going for me because while she isnt with anyone she still thinks of me, i was her first at everything and i sit here and cry knowing she knows that, she knows it, and yet shes still walking away, she told me before i was perfect for her if she can sort her head out and stupid things like that do not go away.

 

after a week of contact its gone silent again now and as i have no contact out come the horrible thoughts and the gremlins in my mind start to play tricks again.

 

Exit, when you say do they not want to reconcile, i cannot understand why either, because whts the point of finding some new if they think everythign you are is perfect and are being to stubborn to say lets give it a go?

[lorilynne]

Georgia Girl is right and hey Exit it's already Sunday. You can go see the Dr. tomorrow. You made it through Saturday. I'm not real big onn seeing other people in the midst of my own heartbreak. I've done this and ended up hurting other people which made me feel worse. I figure, if I can get through this alone, it'll make me stronger. If I can be done with this or at least close to it, then I might be ready to let someone else in without comparing them to my ex or spending dates with someone else and wondering what my ex is doing. But that's just me.

You're doing great Exit. Keep up the good work!

[Exit]

and the more i read where people are still in so much pain 3 months, 6 months a year down the line the more i think shi t .

 

I am lucky because my ex doesnt have anyone else nor as far as i know does she want anyone, but then that just keeps the flame going

 

Yeah, I hope I am not suffering years from now.

 

Trust me, neither way feels good. If your ex stays single, it's so hard to believe that they'd rather just sit around at home or hang out with friends than be with you. When I was at this stage with my ex, I even said to myself "damn I'd rather see her with someone else, then I'd have to accept it". Well guess what, now she's with someone else, and I miss the days when I had the comfort of knowing she was single. Don't worry about what her situation is, because regardless, she is choosing not to be with you, and it sucks.

 

 

Georgia Girl is right and hey Exit it's already Sunday. You can go see the Dr. tomorrow. You're doing great Exit. Keep up the good work!

 

Yeah but I don't know if it's even worth looking forward to. I've been to a therapist once before, and they just sit there and make you talk and they don't contribute much because they want the answers to come "from you". Well I can sit here and analyze myself for free. I need someone to actually help me figure it out. I don't need help digging deeper in to my own brain, I'm already good at that.

 

But I am interested to get their opinion on whether I should keep pursuing this girl or not.

 

 

Someone earlier said losing a girl should never make me feel like I don't want to exist, but it does, I can't help it. I'm not all that crazy about life. Work, work, work, weekends, none of it seems worth it if you can't even come home to someone who loves you.

[georgia girl]

Exit, I know it seems like you'll only be happy with her. And right now, you're also focusing on what you did wrong so you can fix that. The theory is that if you fix your wrongs, she'll see she was also wrong at times and you both will find your way back to each other. I've been there - in fact, I purchased the frequent flyer card so I wouldn't have to go through customs anymore.

 

What I'm realizing is that I have to put myself in the other person's shoes. If I had broken up with him and he was desperate to get me back, his contacting me, telling me about his feelings, his apologies, etc., would creep me out. It would simply turn me off (and I've been there before). So, I'm banking on the fact that if I don't do any of that stuff - if I simply ignore him, he'll have to deal with our breakup himself. He'll have to miss me - and even when I've dumped other people I've always missed them and regretted it a little bit - and he'll have to remember me with dignity. For me, that's the only way I keep his respect.

 

In this way, I guess I believe I'm positioning myself for the future. I won't have made a fool out of myself chasing someone who doesn't want me so I won't ruin the dating pool who will learn about my actions. And, I won't leave him with "crazy girl" memories so that he'll never look back and miss me. That way, I can go on with my life and sometime in the future, if we are both over each other and meet up again when we're both single, we can make this work. It's the little piece of hope that I hold onto.

[Heartbroken-idiot]

ive been seeing a counseller for about 3 weeks now and ive asked this same question a few times and they dont tell me what to do, they say its upto you i you want to carry on after her to which i say its not upto me though? my subconcience is the one thats doing this, i mean wouldnt we all like to just switch it off like a light and say well ok next girl please, but it doesnt work because our minds control themselfs when they want to think.

 

i wont be getting over her for quite some time, i want her back more than anything and after spending an hour and a half on the phone to her 2 days ago its made me realise it even more,

 

ever watched "what women want?" recon if i sit in the bath n drop the electrics in maybe ill stand a chance at understanding what women want?

[lorilynne]

Yeah, I hope I am not suffering years from now.

 

Trust me, neither way feels good. If your ex stays single, it's so hard to believe that they'd rather just sit around at home or hang out with friends than be with you. When I was at this stage with my ex, I even said to myself "damn I'd rather see her with someone else, then I'd have to accept it". Well guess what, now she's with someone else, and I miss the days when I had the comfort of knowing she was single. Don't worry about what her situation is, because regardless, she is choosing not to be with you, and it sucks.

 

 

Yeah but I don't know if it's even worth looking forward to. I've been to a therapist once before, and they just sit there and make you talk and they don't contribute much because they want the answers to come "from you". Well I can sit here and analyze myself for free. I need someone to actually help me figure it out. I don't need help digging deeper in to my own brain, I'm already good at that.

 

But I am interested to get their opinion on whether I should keep pursuing this girl or not.

 

 

Someone earlier said losing a girl should never make me feel like I don't want to exist, but it does, I can't help it. I'm not all that crazy about life. Work, work, work, weekends, none of it seems worth it if you can't even come home to someone who loves you.

 

I know how you feel. We all do. And they don't want to be single. That's usually when they send those all to famous text messages out hinting at the hope that there may be a chance. Don't fall for it. The best thing I can say about when they are in the arms of someone else...they've become their problem. I just try to imagine how horrible it could be. I imagine she farts while she sleeps or her kid is annoying LOL.

 

Try finding a new therapist. Also make an early morning appointment so they are fresh and not tired from listening all day. Find one that gives you activities to do. Make them work for their money.

 

You do exist. You've posted wonderful advice helping everyone here. When I see you avatar, I know it's quality advice. You exist!

[MrFun]

Someone earlier said losing a girl should never make me feel like I don't want to exist, but it does, I can't help it. I'm not all that crazy about life. Work, work, work, weekends, none of it seems worth it if you can't even come home to someone who loves you.

 

This whole dilemma could be the best thing that ever happened to you, ever thought about that? There are a lot of issues hidden in the spaces between your words.

 

I was/am there with you buddy. I started to question everything and it proved to be the most demanding time in my life.

 

Not only did my "project" leave me, I was struggling with an unknown disease. I started to question work, life, money, love, women in ways I never thought about before. It was really a heavy lesson life taught me when I was dumped.

 

I'm very sorry, if it was my post that made you cry earlier.

 

If there's something in your life that you've always wanted to do, why not do it now?

[moo]

Exit, it depends on what type of therapy you get. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is more active than someone just listening to you and repeating back to you what you said in a different way.

 

There is also a lot of listening and reflecting back what you said, but there is more.

 

My first session with my therapist, I think all she did was listen to what I said. I did not like that. But the next time I saw her, things progressed. I had homework every time and I learned a great deep breathing technique. Some of my exercises included:

 

-doing the deep breathing method she taught me at least twice a day, in the morning and nightime

 

-Coming up with a list of what I like about myself

 

-Writing or drawing (I did drawings) of all the negativity I was experiening when my ex left me

 

-Writing myself a letter about what I have been through and what I want for myself (I have to do that soon.)

 

-Thought stopping and visual imagery

 

She left and I am getting another therapist. She went to further her education. Together we came up with 9 assignments to do to keeep the therapy going until the new therapist comes. I won't be able to get a new therapist until after school starts.

 

She never told me what to do. She asked if I would like to do these assignments. If I didn't want to do them, together we came up with an alternate assignment.

 

She was wonderful.

[Exit]

Well tonight's appointment wasn't that great. She asked me a bunch of questions, I brought up what was really bothering me but she didn't ask me to go into detail, and 45 minutes later I was walking out with a prescription. She feels I fit the criteria for depression. I dunno, I don't think I'll take it.

 

My day on Sunday was actually more helpful than the doctor was, I went to a friends house and we went to the mall and I had a great time although throughout the day there were things that made me miss my ex but I would push it out of my head.

 

I'm done chasing her though. I asked her if she'd be willing to talk after the doctor just in case I had found out something useful, but I'm not going to call. She can call if she wants to know.

[moo]

Exit, it sounds like you saw a psychiatrist. Is this correct? Most psychiatrists don't do talk therapy. They assess your problem and prescribe meds if need be and then you check in with them. Usually it's the psychologists and social workers that do the talk therapy.

[Exit]

Yeah it was a psychiatrist. Maybe I will seek out a counselor but I think I may be able to do this on my own. The idea of feeling better on the medication is intriguing but I dunno....

[Exit]

Johnny Cash is saving my life. I think he wrote some of these songs about my ex.

[moo]

If you have social support in your life, you may be able to do it alone, but a therapist (psychologist, counselor, social worker, etc.) might make it much easier. If you are against meds, why not just try talk therapy with a therapist?

[Exit]

So I've been moving on good the last two days, for the first time ever I know I want NC and I want to stop hurting. I told her I was going to drop something off for her on Sunday, I never did. I asked if she'd be willing to talk after I saw the psychiatrist on Monday, I never called. I thought she would let it go, can't believe I had a message from her on MySpace when I logged on tonight. I am not going to read it tonight, I want to be able to stay calm, exercise, and then go to bed. I'm not sure if I will read it ever. Trust me I'm not silly enough to think she's saying anything good, I know if anything she is probably tearing me a new a-hole for the way I texted her this weekend when she was out with her new BF, and then I started telling her I wanted some of my other things back from her. But then I realized I don't want them back because chasing her for those things just keeps this game going. So maybe that's all she wrote back to me about.

 

Maybe I'll read it tomorrow, maybe never.

[frustrated&sad]

Good for you, Exit. I really think that is the best strategy. You'll be much better off the less you have any interaction with her. Let her keep the stuff! Think of it as tainted. Plus, she probably loves the attention you are giving her, even if she responds negatively. She has power over you. The less you let her, the more it will bother her. And how much better for you.

 

Happy to hear that the last couple of days have been better! Keep up the good work!

[Exit]

Yeah, exactly, I am sick of giving her the power. Even though I truly want a few of those things back, she can keep them and wonder why I'm not chasing her for them. I told her if she's a decent person she'll figure out when and how to give them back, and I'll leave it at that.

 

I really am feeling better. I told people all along that I'd get over it when I was ready to, forcing yourself to move on is no healthier. Obviously at this point something in my body or mind decided that I had suffered enough, I did have sins in the relationship to make up for, and now I feel like I've done enough.

[Thomas X Forever]

I HEAVILY suggest not ignoring anti depressants.

 

I was an emotionless robot, so cold I could watch someone die in front of me and it would effect me no more than watching a rerun episode of Seinfeld.

 

Anti depressants ripped me from depression slowly. The first few weeks were pure anger. I could've torn a whole army apart.

Then sadness finally came. I finally cried, 8 months after losing my ex. I even cried today.

 

Although the sadness is near unbearable, it's worth it to finally feel something.

 

Hopefully you aren't to that level of depression, though, are you? Numbness?

[Exit]

Nah I don't think I'm quite at that level. The doctor only said I'm qualified as depressed based on it sometimes being bad enough to effect my sleep, and sometimes feeling hopeless. I've been having a lot of fun lately hanging out with a friend, ironically she's another old ex. But I've been laughing and having fun so I don't think I'm in dire need of the medication.

 

I do wish my ex hadn't written to me though, now I have to decide what to do about that. I know everyone here will say delete it.

[ssj4trunks09]

It's good to see that someone is starting to feel better. I know what you mean about hanging out with other girls. I tried the same and I didn't feel right, I felt like I wasn't ready to move on..

 

Don't try to find any excuse to talk to her or even see her. I'm not going to lie to you by you going over there to get your stuff it makes it seem like you're just trying to find an excuse to see her. Don't. I think you should let her keep them.

 

About that message.. I would say delete it.. but it's easier said than done. I know if people were to tell me not to read it, I would get anxious and end up reading it anyways.