Author nocontact2 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 If they are still married when and if that day comes??? He doesnt know what our future holds. And, I would expect her to be comforted that way. She likes the lime light...I dont so much care to be in front of the camera showing off. We have our love affair, our family, our happiness, she has the remanents of a love affair that has died. I feel sad for her that she would stay in a relationship where obviously her husbands affection lies with another and so much so that he has another family and life...how happy can she really be???? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Yet he still chooses to live with her, be part of her life, their family functions, outings and all. You aren't part of his finances, nor his extended family and friends. SHE is his wife, you are not. She gets the benefits of it all, you don't. What if he were in an accident, who would he call first if he was in the hospital? Who gets to make decisions there? His wife, not you. I feel sad for you that you are eating his sh.it up and believing that you number one. I feel sad for you that you keep having his kids yet he has no intention of leaving his wife and kids to be with you. How happy can YOU be? Stop worrying and wondering about his wife and worry about you and your own children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 his extended family does know us as well as "HIS"friends. We are not a secret anymore...that was one of my conditions...me and the children would never be a secret. He has someone who will contact me immediately if anything were to happen to him. and finances, etc. are already in place and taken care of for our family. He doesnt leave anything for chance...he is very calculated... Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 The arrangement between you and MM and his wife is unfortunately, not very unusual and certainly nothing new. The only thing different in your scenario is that your existence and that of your children is fairly openly acknowledged. Thats almost...refreshing. The deal is that the wife turns a blind eye. As long as you are not put in front her and as long as her comfort is not affected - husband is welcome to do as he pleases. This takes a woman made up of 2 parts: First, she has to be relatively happy with her life the way it is and 2nd - she has to be VERY SECURE emotionally and financially. In other words - she has to know that you and your children will never, ever , under any circumstances come first. So, for this to be as openly acknowledged as it appears to be...she thinks you , your children, and your relationship with her H are completely harmless to her. That alone would make me feel I was on very shaky ground. His wife knows him, knows what the deal is and has more information than you. Where you hope/guess he has yours and children's future taken care of...she KNOWS she's all set. She has the facts in writing, in triplicate. Get it? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 He "CAN'T" leave his wife not that he "WON'T" as he says. but as everyone here posts it seems a happy marriage can indeed include an OP in the mix. So, I suppose as long as he still lights me up like no other, and I do not have any attraction for other men because of my love for him and our family that I will stay right where I am. Oh, and someone mentioned something about me calling his wife to "stir" things up. Not true. I called because my MM is not entirely known for his honesty to either of us, so I wanted to go straight to her so she knew eyes open what was honestly going on...we were expecting our 3rd child...and her eyes are open going into this. Because just as she obviously isnt going anywhere, neither am I. She knows completely that we have a family together, so her staying, she has no one to lay blame at saying she never knew...I was honest with her. She obviously doesnt care what he does...So, I guess i dont feel like the OW anymore because I get more the feeling that they are roommates, business partners and thats about it. I do not believe they have a physical relationship at all anymore. And he travels so much just to tell me he is in his hotel room alone in bed when he calls me at night, just like i am alone in bed. I guess, this is how happily married people behave...makes me think again about wanting to be married if this is the way it is... Unless his wife has a gun pointed at his head 24/7 he CAN leave if he WANTS to. Lots of very rich, very powerful, very famous people get divorced. It happens everyday. It makes headlines. Lots of money is involved but yet it happens. The wife may very well BE happy in her marriage. Maybe she has an OM. Maybe they have agreed to this so they can both get what they need and still keep the family unit. You don't know. Don't worry about HER eyes being open. YOUR eyes were open. You knew he was married early on and yet you stayed in the relationship. Whether you feel like the OW or not that IS what you are. If you are happy with being the OW in this situation......fine. IF you are hoping for something more, you are in for a lot of pain. The wife is not leaving. She is not going anywhere no matter how many babies you have or how many phone calls you make. AND yes, it is clear that you did not call the wife out of the goodness of your heart because you thought she deserved the truth. You called because you wanted to negatively impact their marriage in the hopes that you would get MM full time. If his wife died today, if MM even wanted to be with you openly and create an honest relationship with you he would have to fess up to all his friends and family. He would have to acknowledge that he had a woman on the side and a hidden second family for all these years. Do you honestly think he will ever be willing to publically acknowledge this? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 his extended family does know us as well as "HIS"friends. Do you socialize with them, like he and his wife do? We are not a secret anymore...that was one of my conditions...me and the children would never be a secret. So, everyone knows he is living a double life? He has someone who will contact me immediately if anything were to happen to him. That's different. You still get no say in anything. You won't be by his bedside, holding his hand. His wife will.. and finances, etc. are already in place and taken care of for our family. That's not what I meant. Bills being paid, mutual funds, income tax stuff, all that, you are not included in. He doesnt leave anything for chance...he is very calculated... This sounds like something you're proud of? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 OK, I made my earlier post before I saw your post stating that you are not a secret. IF this is one of your conditions and he met it then this is good. However If you and your children are not a secret and they are still keeping the marriage intact it is an indication they are in it for the long haul. They might have affairs but they don't intend to divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 I dont believe he will ever leave me or our children. I have tried to self-destroy our relationship several times...I did things that I thought he would never forgive me for, like calling his wife. Thinking he would end our relationship and that would be it. Because I cant end it. I cant stay away from him. Bad part is, he cant stay away from me either. We've cried, fought, made-up, done everything we could do to each other and we have pretty much ran out of things to possibly have reason to leave each other. He "CAN'T" leave his wife not that he "WON'T" as he says. but as everyone here posts it seems a happy marriage can indeed include an OP in the mix. So, I suppose as long as he still lights me up like no other, and I do not have any attraction for other men because of my love for him and our family that I will stay right where I am. Oh, and someone mentioned something about me calling his wife to "stir" things up. Not true. I called because my MM is not entirely known for his honesty to either of us, so I wanted to go straight to her so she knew eyes open what was honestly going on...we were expecting our 3rd child...and her eyes are open going into this. Because just as she obviously isnt going anywhere, neither am I. She knows completely that we have a family together, so her staying, she has no one to lay blame at saying she never knew...I was honest with her. She obviously doesnt care what he does...So, I guess i dont feel like the OW anymore because I get more the feeling that they are roommates, business partners and thats about it. I do not believe they have a physical relationship at all anymore. And he travels so much just to tell me he is in his hotel room alone in bed when he calls me at night, just like i am alone in bed. I guess, this is how happily married people behave...makes me think again about wanting to be married if this is the way it is... He can't? Why not? He glued to his wife? Chained? What are the reasons he "can't" ? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 because I get more the feeling that they are roommates, business partners and thats about it. I do not believe they have a physical relationship at all anymore. And he travels so much just to tell me he is in his hotel room alone in bed when he calls me at night, just like i am alone in bed. You get the feeling - But you don't really know.. What goes on between them behind closed doors. You don't think he calls her as well when he's away? Believe what you want if it makes you feel secure and safe. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 You say you have a house together. Do you own it? or does he rent it for you or does he own it? Youve said earlier he is known to lie to both you and his W which is why you have called his W about the baby.... You dont need any more insecurity right now, but you seem to be believing what you need to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 His wife seems content with the situation. Are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 His wife is not what I would say "CONTENT"...she is just accepting that he isnt going to give me up and if she wants to leave she can, but its up to her. The reasons he has given me for "cant" be the one to leave is his family would look really down upon it almost like religiously, but if she leaves him then it is a different story. He is in the clear... I dont guess it really matters at this point. I am not going to leave man i am in love with and have a family with - and as i have said before there are plenty of men that I have as friends that are dying to be more than friends...but I just do not find any other man attractive. My guy is it for me...he does it for me in all the right ways...no other man has that effect on me. So, theres nothing left to do other than wait and see how things develop, how he treats and raises our children...and ride the roller coaster and see if it turns out happy or turns out a bad ride....only time will tell... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 His wife is not what I would say "CONTENT"...she is just accepting that he isnt going to give me up and if she wants to leave she can, but its up to her. The reasons he has given me for "cant" be the one to leave is his family would look really down upon it almost like religiously, but if she leaves him then it is a different story. He is in the clear... I dont guess it really matters at this point. I am not going to leave man i am in love with and have a family with - and as i have said before there are plenty of men that I have as friends that are dying to be more than friends...but I just do not find any other man attractive. My guy is it for me...he does it for me in all the right ways...no other man has that effect on me. So, theres nothing left to do other than wait and see how things develop, how he treats and raises our children...and ride the roller coaster and see if it turns out happy or turns out a bad ride....only time will tell... You are content, so why post? Since your standards are so low the man impersonator will continue to do what he has been doing, nothing right by his wife or his children. He owes you nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 His wife is not what I would say "CONTENT"...she is just accepting that he isnt going to give me up and if she wants to leave she can, but its up to her. The reasons he has given me for "cant" be the one to leave is his family would look really down upon it almost like religiously, but if she leaves him then it is a different story. He is in the clear... I dont guess it really matters at this point. I am not going to leave man i am in love with and have a family with - and as i have said before there are plenty of men that I have as friends that are dying to be more than friends...but I just do not find any other man attractive. My guy is it for me...he does it for me in all the right ways...no other man has that effect on me. So, theres nothing left to do other than wait and see how things develop, how he treats and raises our children...and ride the roller coaster and see if it turns out happy or turns out a bad ride....only time will tell... Where's Wildsoul when you need her? This has been played before by another and probably others still...search for her threads and I think you'll find some striking similarities... The problem here is tried and true...you love him but he doesn't love you enough. YOU are second place...the option to his priority. You are, in my view, making some really bad choices. Most MM looking for an A don't want a D...you are witnessing that everyday. Question. Under what circumstance will you walk and break free of this trap? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Exactly JW. Most men looking for an affair arent looking for a wife (unless its an exit affair). If they were looking for a new wife, theyd divorce first. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 I have spoke to my MM BW several times. Even left messages on the home phone, given her my phone number, been totally honest with her about everything...especially length of our relationship and our children. Of course, this doesnt make my MM happy when I do this. But he doesnt leave me. He says she doesnt care about me, doesnt want to talk about me, hear about me, period. I am something in "HIS" life and is has nothing to do with her. So leave her out of it. As far as the children go, she said their are his it is his choice she will never hold anything against innocent children and they can come around, but I am never to be included in any of that time. So, is this normal???? Do they have like an arrangement in their marriage? When I ask MM about it he says his marriage is not my business. So, So, So Confused!!!!! Why in the world do you keep calling his W? Oh, wait, I remember something you said about if SHE leaves, he feels he's in the clear, so you are trying to get her angry enough to leave. Bad move. I might as well be this man's W. If I was happy with my life and had already gone through the intensely sexual stage of marriage and having children, I might feel the same: not wanting sex but feeling our family is paramount. Your MM said it best: his marriage (and everything in it including his other children and his W's feelings about you) is none of your business. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will make decisions based on the facts instead of the fantasy you've concocted. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 The reasons he has given me for "cant" be the one to leave is his family would look really down upon it almost like religiously, but if she leaves him then it is a different story. He is in the clear... HUH?? But didn't you post that everyone knows he has you ON THE SIDE (not as a wife, but as a mistress) so why would they care if he divorced? I mean, they accept him stepping out on his wife, but not divorcing her? Which is it? And why not answer the other questions such as when will you decide enough is enough? How long are you going to 'wait'? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 Divorcing is a big "no no" I dont know why Im not a religious person. when will I have enough??? Probably never since we have 3 children together i will always have some type of relationship with him... Emotionally???? I dont know...I guess when I feel desire to be with another man then I will know my heart has run its course and I can no longer wait for him...and I will end the relaitonship. Link to post Share on other sites
LaGazelle Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Divorcing is a big "no no" I dont know why Im not a religious person. when will I have enough??? Probably never since we have 3 children together i will always have some type of relationship with him... Emotionally???? I dont know...I guess when I feel desire to be with another man then I will know my heart has run its course and I can no longer wait for him...and I will end the relaitonship. Is that the reason you decided to have children with him? To guarantee a lifelong "relationship"? To make sure you could never lose him? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Is that the reason you decided to have children with him? To guarantee a lifelong "relationship"? To make sure you could never lose him? Yup. She is using her kids to always be attached to a man who clearly doesn't want to divorce and marry her. Link to post Share on other sites
whimsical_memory Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Nocontact, Previously I wrote that I felt pity for your children. I still do, but now I feel sorry for you as well. You seem to be in a relationship that you've already made clear cannot go anywhere, due to the married man not willing to leave his wife or his family. I am not believing for a minute however, that he is being honest with you when you said that he cannot leave due to religious reason, but that if his wife leaves him, that makes things fine. A man that is that concerned with his religious beliefs would not be having an affair. Let me clarify because I know there have been many men and women whom claim to be all kinds of religious that have found themselves with the red A on their chests, I do not believe that if someone were to be that religious as to not leave a loveless marriage that they would also be capable of carrying on a long-term affair. As has been stated many times, he does not love you enough to have that desire to be with you and your children full-time. If he did, he'd have already left his wife, but instead he refuses and tells you he can't leave when the truth is he won't leave. You can have as many children with him as humanly possible, it will not change the scenario. All you'll have to show for this affair are illegitimate children growing up with no sense of how a true family is supposed to be like, and what happens when your children get old enough to look you in the eye and demand to know why you chose to force them to live that type of life? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 The cultural issue makes sense to me. Many people believe that boys will be boys and have their something on the side but that divorce is shameful. So thats him taken care of. Hes got it all and hes not changing his perfect life. But where does that leave you and the children? You can post all the excuses for the situation that you want, but in teh end, you are still there raising his illegitimate children (another shameful thing in many cultures and to many people) So the children are not in a good place and neither are you. You are the only one who can take control of your future. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 The cultural issue makes sense to me. Many people believe that boys will be boys and have their something on the side but that divorce is shameful. So thats him taken care of. Hes got it all and hes not changing his perfect life. But where does that leave you and the children? You can post all the excuses for the situation that you want, but in teh end, you are still there raising his illegitimate children (another shameful thing in many cultures and to many people) So the children are not in a good place and neither are you. You are the only one who can take control of your future. Amen, amen. It is up to you to change things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nocontact2 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 just got surprised with week family vacation to hawaii so i will be off line for a while...just didnt want anyone thinking i was ignoring...... i am so excited...see he is changing...:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Huh? Going to Hawaii on a vacation changes what? The ONLY change that matters is signed, sealed and delivered divorce papers. Nothing else matters...sorry...but, nothing changed. Link to post Share on other sites
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