After 5 months she wants me back?

[Lying eyes]

I was recently hit by a ton of bricks when my wife, although we have been separated and on the path of divorce for 5 months, said she missed being a family and wife. That she still loves me, but things would have to change if we got back together. It was like I heard those last two words in slow motion. Then she actually started flirting with me! I told it to her straight that I was touched by her sharing this with me, and that I too still loved her, but I didn't know what kind of love it is anymore. My story is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t178995/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t191213/

 

I was really taken aback because a few months ago I started moving forward as if reconciliation was not even an option based on her insistance for divorce. We talked about this as best we could with the kids around. When I asked why now, she said she took all of my gestures to win her back immediately as insincere and controlling, like I didn't want to lose an important object. Now she has had time to reflect and think about what she wants. Now I find myself very conflicted. Part of me wants her back still. She has a lot of amazing qualities, not the least of which being that she is the mother of our 2 children. I also feel to some extent that I owe it to them to work it out if there is still a chance.

 

If you've read through my history you would see that I rightly have trust issues with her. For me trust is of paramount importance. I don't know that I could ever trust her again, and I think I deserve to be with someone I can wholeheartedly trust. I am also enjoying coming into my own. We got together young, and after 15 years together, well, I've never really been single, and although I find dating nerve wracking, on some level it's kind of fun too. I also just moved into my own place after staying with family. I like not having to run my day past anyone, choosing my own television shows, working out whenever I feel like it, going on a hike when it pleases me, and going out with friends and flirting with women. I'm also not certain that she want me back as much as she misses the financial security I provide. She has no recent experience and cannot find a job to support herself. She chose this path for us, and once I got out of my despair, I decided to walk with my head held high, and focus on improving myself, not in the ways she wanted me to improve, but in the ways I wanted myself to improve.

 

So here I am at a crossroads. I'm not making any immediate decisions one way or the other, but I would appreciate any feedback you folks have.

[boogieboy]

Read this thread though and get a lil understanding about what your wife might have meant when she said she felt neglected.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t196251/

 

 

You have a choice to make. If you really think you neglected your wife after reading this thread, and you think you can do better, then go for it. But you are also suspicious of her motives...only you would know about that. If you like being free, go for it. I wonder if you would want your wife back after a couple more months.

 

If you want to try again with her, you should make her sweat it out for another month or so, so that you dont give in to easily, and make her earn you back, since she cheated....

[MrFun]

I told it to her straight that I was touched by her sharing this with me, and that I too still loved her...She has a lot of amazing qualities...I rightly have trust issues with her. For me trust is of paramount importance. I don't know that I could ever trust her again, and I think I deserve to be with someone I can wholeheartedly trust....So here I am at a crossroads

 

huh? Don't torture yourself over the fact that this woman is the mother of your children. Live your life, enjoy it, and find someone better.

 

Yeah, you do deserve someone you can trust.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am guessing that you are in your 30's.

 

I was once in your same shoes, but with no children. She took off and just as I began to see the light to a new begining she wanted to come back. I almost caved, but the thought of kissing those lips after they had kissed another, made me ill to my stomach. Also did I want to spend the rest of my life looking back over my shoulder and possibly have to repeat what I had just been through. The answer was NO!

 

I had been a player before I met her and I was not sure if I could pick up where I left off. At first it seemed impossible, I was in my mid 30's.

 

The answer was yes. I found new lovers. I've had a great new life and did things I never would have experienced had I stayed with the XW.

 

I have now been with my lady for over 13 years. She is fantastic, and best of all I totally trust her.

 

BUT - On the other hand, I never did get to have a family with kids, something I regret

[lkjh]

Dude, she cheated on you with her brothers friend, slapped you, lied to people about you, and then kept lying to your face. What are you thinking? Tell her family, if you don't stand up for yourself then you deserve to be treated like this. I am sorry but you need to re-read your first post and then make a discussion. There is a such thing as being to nice. You can defiantly find better. Man up and tell her brother what she did and with who

[Gunny376]

A woman walks out on you? There's no coming back! PERIOD!

 

Double that if she's cheating on you!

 

End of story, end of the show! Bring down the curtain, turn out the lights, lock up the doors and go home!

 

Why?

 

First of all?

 

Once a cheater! Always a cheater ~ and even if they're not? I don't have the emotional energy, time, etc to waste if she's cheating on me, where she's at, who's she with, what she's doing?

 

Two? I don't need one of those "gifts that keep on giving"

 

Three? There's no shortage of good women! Anything she's got to offer? You can find just as good as if not better! Just as much as she's got to offer if not more!

 

"I'm sorry, I screwed up!"

 

That's RIGHT!

 

You are sorry! And you did screw up! Remember that when you, if you do ever find someone else that's worth a damn!

 

Since there are children involved? I might consideer taking her back? But she'd have to work and earn her way back!

[mark982]

you even said you think she's coming back for financial security, that's not love,she's just in a bind and using to get back on her feet.she drained your accts once she'll damn well do it again.i'd think long and hard on this one. she's showed her true colors once,why go through it again?

[Lying eyes]

She asked to come over and spend the day with us. Funny thing is while I was letting her use my phone to make a call the other day, a girl I was dating texted me. Wife was very curious and possibly a little jealous, although she would never admit it. We both know we've been dating so it's not like its a surprise.

[phineas]

i'm almost at 5 months of seperation also.

But, I learned she had been lieing & cheating for 2 yrs.

 

People unhappy in marriage leave their spouse, talk to them, go to counseling.

 

People who say their unhappy & use it as an excuse to cheat are users & manipulators.

 

After I discovered affair wife could not come up with a solid reason as to why she was unhappy. Why she registered on a dating site & started a relationship with OM.

 

The few things she did come up with had been rectified by me long ago & she really didn't have any gripes other than I wasn't the OM.

 

My wife is for lack of a better word defective.

She supposedly loved me yet she cheated on me & lied to me.

She supposedly was in love with OM yet she cheated on him with me & lied & said she was divorced. That her kids father was history.

 

Both me & OM found out the truth together. Now, she has neither of us.

Divorce can't come fast enough for me.

 

From what i've read, I seriously doubt your wife will do what you require for her to start earning your trust again.

[TrustInYourself]

Who is she and does she deserve another chance? No one is perfect, but only you know whether it's worth another chance.

 

You dated, she dated. Equal terms. Make your decision based on what's best for you. You now have the ability to look at it subjectively, without emotions making your decision biased.

 

These people trying to make your decision for you are full of sh*t. You decide.

[FoolMeAgain]

... I rightly have trust issues with her. For me trust is of paramount importance. I don't know that I could ever trust her again, and I think I deserve to be with someone I can wholeheartedly trust. ...

 

So here I am at a crossroads. I'm not making any immediate decisions one way or the other, but I would appreciate any feedback you folks have.

 

Our stories are similar. 15 years together, kid, cheating wife, needs support, wants her cake and eat it, compulsive liar, can't trust her... I agree with Gunny. It takes SO much energy to always wonder if she is where she said she would be, who she is with etc... I lived thru it twice and can't do it again.

 

That said. TIY is also right - Only you can decide. Keep both eyes opened and re-read your own posts. The second time destroys your self esteem, and it sounds like you built yours back up!:bunny:

[Chrome Barracuda]

Like i said...

 

If she is still doing the other man there is nothing to talk about.

 

and also it sounds like you are moving on very nicely, why ruin it?

[Jonesey]

Please read and learn.....

 

Wife left me last July. Was disconnected, strange, basically turned into someone I didn't know anymore after she left. Around month 4 and the OM situation cooling off, she changed back into the person I knew. She was nice, sweet and was doing things for me that I didn't ask for. She then wanted to come back right b4 thanksgiving. I took her back....

 

Fast forward 5 months....

 

Wife left me again, same thing that happened previously but with another OM. This time, she really made sure it hurt because she involved our son, my family (hooked her up with new guy) and has done some really terrible things. We are at month 4 and she is back to the same things she did at the previous 4-month benchmark...... She's being nice and trying to be supermom, etc.... Guess what is probably next?

 

Get the picture? It's a game and the sooner you realize this woman does not love you the better off you will be. The marriage and love are over.

[Woggle]

A man should never take a walkaway wife back. If she did it once she will do it again and I would not be surprised if she had some plan to get more leverage in divorce. She made her choice and now she has to live with it.

[lkjh]

She asked to come over and spend the day with us. Funny thing is while I was letting her use my phone to make a call the other day, a girl I was dating texted me. Wife was very curious and possibly a little jealous, although she would never admit it. We both know we've been dating so it's not like its a surprise.

 

Why do you care? You should be focusing on how to divorce her

[Lying eyes]

So we talked and decided to give our marriage another shot. We were both open with each other about our concerns. Hers are that she's afraid to trust me with her heart because she wants me to completely open up to her and give her love and respect, and my concern is that she will lie and cheat again.

 

We just started seeing a pretty good marriage therapist. Apparently all the good ones are expensive and don't take insurance. She said she wants to earn my trust back and is willing to do what it takes. She of course agrees to no contact with the person she was seeing while we were separated. She's been staying at my place and were moving her things (well really our things) in shortly. I would have really preferred to take things slower but her lease is up and frankly she can't afford to pay another months rent. That's a concern for me. That she's back because she can't make it on her own. She did say she'd agree to a post-nuptial agreement.

 

Things were great the first week, but the last couple days we have argued a lot. I feel like she is holding back with me, which is unusual because she has always been forthcoming with affection. The last two nights we've slept in separate beds because of cat issues, but that's more or less a convenient excuse.

 

I thought getting back together would be full of passion and promise, but instead I'm filled with doubt and uncertainty despite the love I still feel for her.

[SRV]

She of course agrees to no contact with the person she was seeing while we were separated.

 

Let her actions speak to the this.

 

I would have really preferred to take things slower but her lease is up and frankly she can't afford to pay another months rent.

 

Follow your heart and gut, this is very telling of her intentions of wanting to reconcile, maybe a coincidence of the timing. I might be wrong, you know her better.

 

 

That's a concern for me. That she's back because she can't make it on her own. She did say she'd agree to a post-nuptial agreement.

 

Things were great the first week, but the last couple days we have argued a lot. I feel like she is holding back with me, which is unusual because she has always been forthcoming with affection.

 

Once again, follow your gut, you do not want to get burnt twice.

 

I thought getting back together would be full of passion and promise, but instead I'm filled with doubt and uncertainty despite the love I still feel for her.

 

Actions, not words will guide this endeavor.

 

 

I would tread very cautiously, please do not get burnt twice. Good luck!

[PWSX3]

When my former wife moved out the first time it was 7 months when she moved back in. I also feel it was because she couldn't make it on her own.

 

We were seeing a counselor & when she talked to the counselor about missing me she said; I wondered what was taking you so long, so it sounds like that is a common feeling.

 

Now the second time I started to see a Christian counselor, which for me was the best thing I could have done. When we talked about maybe getting back together he said it would be at least a year, that my former wife would have to show me that she (even though she was the one that left) was serious & really wanted to work things out.

 

He had me make a list of things I wanted in a partner and if those were things my former spouse would be able to do/change.

 

It took you a long time to get your marriage in a bad situation & it's going to take a long time (WITH PROFESSIONAL HELP) to build that trust & to get things past were they were before.

 

In my situation we got back together for about a year before the former wife moved out again and now we are divorced. I still do believe we could have made it work especially since we both started going back to church but it's not going to happen now even though she has told me she wished she never filed......

 

Just be very careful & I feel you moved her back in to soon.

[Lying eyes]

After 5 weeks back together, she sat me down at our kitchen table, with our kids in the other room and said she is not in love with me. She said she had felt this way for a couple of weeks. I didn't realize the feeling of love could come back for 3 weeks and then disappear again. Only a week prior to this she asked me to pay off a couple thousand dollars worth of debts she owed. I told her no, that she needed to take responsibility for that. It was too early for me to feel comfortable with giving her that kind of money, and I thought it best that we remain financially separate.

 

Admittedly, we were having difficulties during our reconciliation, which I thought we were working through in therapy. One time she mentioned to me, "I don't know why I'm such a bitch to you. I'm not like this with anyone else."

 

We had one last therapy session already scheduled and she agreed to go, but nothing really came from it. When she left, she didn't see the kids for 3 days, never said goodbye to them, never called to check on them. I had to e-mail her parents, who don't like me because to them this is all my fault for not loving their little girl enough, to let them know that their 2 year old grandson was crying for his mother. Now she does not see them 4 days a week because of work/school. Am I wrong to think she is a bad mom, for taking a job that makes it so she can't see her kids? What kind of a mom can only see her 2 year old 3 days a week? I think this is very confusing and hurtful for the kids.

 

I'm angry at her because she either 1. used me to try to get money, or 2. didn't take the time to get in touch with her feelings when she said this time it is forever and she loves me. In either case our kids were not a priority in her decision making.

 

Now we've been reseparated again for about a month. In spite of my feelings of anger and mistrust, we spend a couple hours a week together as a family doing some activity. I'm still paying for our medical of $900/month and 100% of daycare $400/month, even though she is working (no health insurance is offered) and I am unemployed, but looking for a job. I think I need to have her pay for her own insurance and half of the daycare.

[mark982]

need to get legal custody of your child first,and document EVERYTHING, no matter how small you think it is. document,document,document.

[phineas]

Sorry she got your hopes up.

My wife has been testing the waters lately & it's making me uncomfortable.

I don't even want to consider getting back together because I KNOW she will cheat again.

 

My oldest is 3yrs old. he is just starting to accept mommy & daddy don't live together & he will never get to spend time with both parents together again.

 

To even spend time with her will just screw him up even more because I know I can never love her again like I used to & I know she will wander again. so it will be short lived.

 

Also, I want to spare the 1 yr old from having to deal with us breaking up again. He's going to grow up in a single parent house hold. He won't miss both parents together like my oldest does.

[boldjack]

Dude, when will you stop being a doormat for her? Do you think that it was just coincidence that she wanted to get back together just at the same time her lease was up? She uses you and you keep going back for more. For Christ's sake, man-up!! She cheated, assaulted you, slandered you, and has dumped you twice!! Don't you think that it is about time you wised up? Do you want your kids to group up believing that their Dad is a wimp? And what about all of the progress you made in yourself, while she was gone, are you going to throw all of that in the crapper? Nobody can help you stand, until you develope a back-bone, to stand with.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm angry at her because she either 1. used me to try to get money, or 2. didn't take the time to get in touch with her feelings when she said this time it is forever and she loves me. In either case our kids were not a priority in her decision making.

Now we've been reseparated again for about a month. In spite of my feelings of anger and mistrust, we spend a couple hours a week together as a family doing some activity. I'm still paying for our medical of $900/month and 100% of daycare $400/month, even though she is working (no health insurance is offered) and I am unemployed, but looking for a job. I think I need to have her pay for her own insurance and half of the daycare.

 

Dude.... your only worth to her is what money she can squeeze out of you.

 

Do everyone a favor and make her pay for her own crap. Also... go to court and try to get primary custody of those kids.

 

Not only will it protect them from whatever child molester she wants to date.... but it will save you money.

[howcouldInotknow]

OP you sound very much like my ex. His wife packed up one day left him while he was at work came home to a cleared out house. She met another man. Fast forward 18 months he and I started dating we dated for over a year. Financially she was struggling and her relationship with her OM was over. She suddenly decides there is something there and she wants to work on their marriage. Being the idiot he is he runs right back and its only a matter of time before she leaves again, because she does it and he keeps going back for more. Do yourself a favor remove yourself from the cycle and put this marriage to rest.

[Lying eyes]

Sorry she got your hopes up.

 

My oldest is 3yrs old. he is just starting to accept mommy & daddy don't live together & he will never get to spend time with both parents together again.

 

QUOTE]

 

Phineas, if you guys can at least figure out a way to temporarily get along with each other the kids can spend time with both parents again. You can set aside a family day once a week or whatever works for you. That is what we have been doing the last couple of weeks. We just don't talk about anything we know we'll argue about. I think this will ease the transition for the kids and make them feel like they still have unified family. Last week we did the pumpkin patch. Trust me, if it weren't for them I would never want to see her again, but I have to be a bigger man and move past that.