Seperation tips

[TrustInYourself]

About what? You should not even talk to her. You should be ignoring her at the very least.

 

Your posts convey sadness and weakness. I can see that through the words you type. I have no questions about what you would communicate to her by just "talking".

 

Be a man, blow her off. Of course, you won't be able to do that until you come to terms with your emotions.

 

Take actions to alleviate the pain. Work out. Get a hobby. Focus on work. Communicate with others!

 

If you want to talk to someone, talk to anyone but her.

[lastout_82]

thanks, ill keep this updated.

 

like tonight i called to talk to kids before they sleep and me and her usally talk for a few mins but this time i didnt say nothing to her. not hello not goodbye. i felt better when i did that. felt like for once i was incontrol and now i relize i was incontroll the whole time, was just to sad to notice it. i got to go get me a gym memebership something i want to do anyway and maby it will help my stress melt away.

 

i just would like to know the definiton of an emotion affair and is that what happened with us. she said she was talking to someone for advice from a guys prespective and then there were emotions there and if we didnt work out that she would think about dating him. is that an emotional affair and is there any advice on how to forgive and forget about it. i just want her to break all ties with him if we work it out or it will always be there. really dont know how to word it. but how is this something i can get over i know hobby and get out and live but dont know if that will work. there comes times when im doing the siplest things and i think of her like shaving or even brushing my teeth. maby its just still so earily or maby it hurt me in a way i cant look back.

[Gunny376]

Don't tell your leaving, ~ LEAVE!

 

Don't worry about how the children will react ~ they're more adaptable than you realize. When you get the time, sit down with each one of them alone, and explain why you had to move you.

 

Make no contact, zilch, nadda, nothing any more than you have to, (finances, children) etc. than you have to.

 

When you do talk to her, project a positive, self assured image ~ even a happy one. (Smile and laugh a lot in their presence.)

 

I don't care if once your down the block you have to pull over and cry your ever loving eyes out. In front of her? Your a rock.

 

For now accept that its over. It was over yesterday, its over today, and it more than likely be over tomorrow.

 

When she calls you? Don't be so anxious to the phone. Let it go to voice, and then call her at your convenience. Hey your a busy man! You've got a life. (Meanwhile she'll begin to wondering where your at, what your doing?

 

And why isn't he thinking about me? And who is he doing it with? It may not want her to come back? But it will cross her mind more than once, I can promise you that.

 

Give her the gift of missing you! And you can't do that if your readily available to her 24/7 or constantly in her face.

 

Don't worry about what she's doing or who she's doing it with. She'll have her hands full taking care of those three children of your and the house. And with her job?

 

I presume she has one? And if she doesn't? She'll be going down to get one ~ that is if she can find one in this economy?

 

And the reason she's going to do that? Is because your going to go down to the court house and find out how much child support you need to / or would pay if you were divorced today. And not a penny more!

 

Of course you don't need to be stupid about it. If you have a mortgage, car notes, other joint accounts? You want to stay on top of those and ensure that they're being paid.

 

Now is the time to get and check your credit reports every three months. Your entitled to a free one once a year.

 

So what you do is you request your 'free' report from one of the three major credit reporting agencies every three months. The fourth quarter? Go ahead and pay the $8 and then start over again until this thing is resolved.

 

Dating? Your no where near ready for dating. The time, effort, energy and money you would spend on some other little gal ~ you need to be spending on (1) your children, (2) yourself, (3) your finances.

 

The only thing worse than going through a divorce is going through and coming out the other-side broke and even worse? With bad credit score.

(Check that every six to twelve months ~ about $20)

 

Contact any and all creditors explain to them what's going on and for them to flag your account to let you know if its even a day late!

 

I cannot stress how much you need to stay on top of this.

 

The second most important I want to stress is to stay fully engaged and in contact with your children. Daily! They come before your emotional, physical, sexual needs. They come before dating, socializing everything.

 

Everything else is secondary. Call them daily and speak with them if for only five minutes. Get on the Internet and find things that would interest them and that is age appropriate.

 

Get a library card and quit being a fool and get back into school. Read any everything you can about personal growth, self improvement, parenting, divorce, relationships, seduction, romancing, marriage, personal finance.

 

Then read books about your interest and hobbies. Reading requires a certain amount of self discipline, so start out light, and get just one book.

Divide the number of pages or chapters by the amount of time you have to read the book, (usually two weeks ~ but you can call and request and extension)

 

Do this for yourself, your children, your current wife, and if that goes South? Your future relationships? Read about things that they don't teach in school at any level nor church.

 

Emotional Affair

 

Back when I was going through what you are now going through over twenty years ago, before the Internet and such forums as LS, and before I had read much on such subjects, I told my then wife ~ "AT THE VERY LEAST! YOUR HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR ON MY @ZZ!"

 

To which she replied ~ "What's that!"

 

I didn't need "Cheaters" a PI, hard proof, photos, videos etc to know? I knew because I had been with her for over ten years and had two children with her.

 

An emotional affair is when one party withdrawals emotionally from the relationship/ partner and there is a recognizable, fundamental, and noticeable loss of affection and emotion from such that can be measured by the 'standard' of what was once considered the norm of the relationship that is transferred to that of another!

 

That is to say that the emotional / intimacy investment that they once made? Goes to half or less of what it once was.

 

Now a loss of such is normal in a LTR, but when you go from say 80% to half of that, and then half of that again? Somethings up!

 

And in a lot of LTR's there's a "rubber-band effect" (especially when it comes to men) where one withdrawals into other things, interests, obligations. But they snap back together. The relationships that go the distance? Are the ones that understand this.

 

Right now you and the DW are stretched out as in stretching out a rubber band.

 

You? You need to become the "rubber band man"

 

The 180's work ~ IF you have the self control and self discipline to make them work. And it is work for most people.

 

You have to understand? What your going through, all the pain and suffering is very much a type of addiction and withdrawal from such.

 

By going deep and no contact, your putting that withdrawal on her, as over the course of the years that she's been with you, she's become addicted and dependent upon you.

 

Now? Now your taking her 'candy' away from her, your presenting 'reality' of life without you in her life will be like.

 

The plumbing breaks, the toilet overflows, the cars not running? The grass needs mowing, the weeds are taking over the yard, the lawn mower won't crank? The kids are driving you nuts, and you just want an hour to soak in the tub and have Callgon take you away?

 

Deal with it Baby! Because this is your new reality without me!

 

One final note! If and when she calls, and tells you, "I need money because Johnny ~ Suzie needs,........................"

 

You go and get what Johnny and Suzie needs and pay for it yourself! Do not give her money over and about what your child support/financial obligations are.

 

Document, document, document! Keep every bit of correspondence, receipt, scrap of paper, post-it-note.

 

Go to Radio Shack and get a suction cup microphone to attach to a telephone handset / micro-recorder and record every conversation you have with her. (Check your state laws first, here in Alabama its not illegal to record a telephone conversation in so long as one party of the conversation knows its being recorded that party would be me!)

 

Its illegal to wire tap for law enforcement without a court order in most states ~ not individuals. In some states, the phone will emit a audible 'beep' every couple of seconds if there's a recorder attached.

[Gunny376]

When you write a check?

 

When you write something extra on the check?

 

Legally it becomes a "terms of endorsement" and this is true throughout the United States.

 

I use to send the X my child support check, and wrote in red ink above the date line ~ "VOID IF CASHED BEFORE XX-XX-XXXX date!"

 

Pissed her off to no end!

 

Wasn't my intent to do so, it was just that I was career military, got paid on the 1st and 15th of each month.

 

I would send the check to make sure it got there before the 1st of each month, but put the endorsement condition on it to keep it before my direct-deposit paycheck hit the bank!

 

Another time ~ after the divorce she was all over me about this and that, and saying that I owed her something like $1000 (even though I took on all of the bills from the marriage).

 

We were arguing about it, she PMO about it, and I said "Fine! I'll send you a partial payment!"

 

So I sent her a check for $100 but on the backside of the check in the endorsement section (where you endorse the check) I wrote the words "PAID IN FULL"

 

She signed it and cashed it!

 

By my doing so? It meant that she accepted the $100 as payment in full for the $1000!

 

She owed me some money from the divorce settlement, but every time I would try and cash it? The teller would slide it back to me and tell me there was insufficient funds in the account to cash the check.

 

We went back and forth over this for about a month or two.

 

It was a small amount, and until finally I asked the teller?

 

"How much would I have to deposit to this account to cash this check?

 

Immediately she beamed up, laughed and smile and said ~ "$20!" (Its illegal to withdraw from someones account ~ but its all day legal to deposit to someone else's account!)

 

The XHEX was withdrawing just enough to keep the account open, but to keep me from cashing this BS check! (Pure spite!)

 

It cost me $20? But I netted $340!

 

And yea I went out that weekend on that $340 and partied like it was December 31st, 1999!

[LisaUk]

Hi, as you are still living in the house follow the 180, every part of the 180, re-read it and follow every point.

 

You will be torn up inside, of course you will, but you must act like you are ok. Do not open any dialogue with her about the relationship, that is very important. You need to change the way you have been behaving (pleading, reasoning) as this is pushing her further away.

 

PLEASE go get a copy of divorce busting and read it, you will find it will help you understand what is happening and what you need to do.

[CM2009]

Well bro I'm going through something pretty similar to yours. Imma tell you its rough and I know exactly what your going through but in my case the kids aren't mines. First I would say is to leave her alone, give her space, be there for your kids. I know it will be tempting to call but when that urge comes to you go and find a hobby to keep you interested and when you guys do speak keep it brief and matter fact convo. Take time to work on yourself, enjoy your "free time," find a job and if you can take a trip or two. If you have any questions feel free to hit me up. [email protected]

[lastout_82]

update.

 

i was staying with my uncle but that didnt work out after 5 days. i had to come back home last night and stay there all i told her was i need to stay there for the night and i would be gone tomorrow. she asked what happened i kind of filled her in on details but left some vauge. i also made the mistake of telling her lets make this work. but i relized the 180s when i woke up this morning. guess i was very angry lastnight having to see my self come back to that house after everything i have learned. i am not staying there tonight i dont want her to know were i am. that will kind of make her wonder about what is going on so we will see. but i could tell last night she was different. like she cared more. before she didnt and i could see it.

 

but now there is something else bugging me about her. before when this all started she was carrieing around her phone like she had something to hide. found out she did when she was talking to another man. now she is doing the same with a journal maby im just jumping the gun and maby i shouldnt even worrie about it but it kind of makes me think. what does she have to hide that she keeps it everywere she goes and dont let it out of her site. but now i think there is things in there that she knows will end us forever. and maby that is why she is protecting it. ive been known to snoop before when i thought something was up and i was always right.

 

but heading to bookstore to read up. got to get kids at daycare today going to take them to park and drop them off at home and leaving if she ask anything im not saying ****. ill see ya later is all i will say. got to remeber 180.

 

ill update later. thx gunny.

[CM2009]

Hi, as you are still living in the house follow the 180, every part of the 180, re-read it and follow every point.

 

You will be torn up inside, of course you will, but you must act like you are ok. Do not open any dialogue with her about the relationship, that is very important. You need to change the way you have been behaving (pleading, reasoning) as this is pushing her further away.

 

PLEASE go get a copy of divorce busting and read it, you will find it will help you understand what is happening and what you need to do.

 

Agree!!!! you have to flip the script on her, go out with some friends, have a good time

[lalucci]

You are not prepared to do anything right now. Don’t make any decision yet. Maybe she is tired of been the one working. Maybe she is frustrated that you are not supporting her financially. Maybe she sees some weakness in you, and I mean that she has an image of what a man suppose to do... Maybe she knows a person that have all the qualities that she is looking for. My advice is that you need to have a plan, find a new job; coordinates visit with your kids; visit all friends and family. Also if you don’t have money for a counselor, please look for a priest or marriage counselor at your church that can help you both. Don’t leave your house...This is exhausting, I am there but you need to be satisfied will your self that you did everything you can to save this marriage, you have kids and that is a reason enough to fight. No one is in position to judge because is your life, just do what you heart tell you to do, ask God for help He will guide you.

[lastout_82]

update.

 

went to get kids from daycare. she was there. said she wanted to talk again. now she want a full legal seperation. seen it comming anyway. so i went home with kids. she showed up later and i wanted to open a dialog with her. i asked her 11 questions. becasue yes im behind the curve. i thought and pretended like i was ahead of her but i know im not.

above poster said marrige coucling we wnet for a few weeks and it seemed to drift us more an more apart. i know now what it feels like to be withsome one that seems like a friend and not companion. i will put the questions here. tear them up if you like everyone i will post answers also. let me know what everyone thinks. its still very hard for me to leave it alone. i feel like i havent gotten any closure on this. i dont know what that will take.

 

1 From your point of view what is the point of this seperation.

A. Get away. find ourselfs.

2. What made you decide to go for a seperation.

A. says "strongwilled. view her indepntce.

3. What effected you the most?

A. Novemeber(when iwas talking to someone else). she said i was suppose to change but i didnt.

4. Where do you want this to go as of right now?

A. be happy, i dont know.

5.Were do you see yourself in 5 years as of right now?

A. store manager, with kids with or without me happy.

6. What do you think this will solve?

A. happiness, trust with each other.

7. How do you think i feel about this?

A. i want to work it out and stay togather. alot of anger.

8. how do you want me to feel about this.

A. understanding, dont be a dick about it all.

9. Do you think that guy had anything to do with this?

A. no, been wanting to for a while didnt show it to you.

 

all these questions i asked her. i wrote down the answers because i was really lost about it all. how could it happen so fast. last night i stayed there and just "Hung out" made jokes laughed and talked. i did ask her one thing that i think might be a mistake. i asked her to have one night with me. dont know why but its something i feel will help me in a way. dont know really. everyone let me know. i know i need to get myself back togather but i dont know how i can keep looking at her and falling in love over and over again. maby im just so empty and drained over it all im looking anywere to fill a gap. and im looking in the wrong place. getting rejected and feeling the same again.

[Smung]

Just to clarify, you didn't ask these questions off a list and then write them down while she was standing there right?

 

To be honest, she seems to be looking for space and time. If that is the case you should let her have that space and keep communication short if you cant avoid not talking at all! Asking lists of questions might make you feel closer to understanding what is going on. But, it might have a negative reaction, as in people don't like being interrogated. Not trying to be harsh, Just want to throw out that some people have bad reactions to a pop quiz.

 

Closure is good but it doesn't always happen in the timeframe you might want. Hang on and keep your chin up.

[LisaUk]

Hi, I do know that at the moment you just want to figure out what has happened and why your w wants this. I get that, I really do, but what you haven't figured yet, because you are in shock, is that your w is not the same person that you could once talk to. Your w is not in the building right now. If you want your w to return you are going to have to put your trust in the approach that feels very ailien to you, the 180, look for thread by OWl, Trustinyoureslf and a very recent one by Trippi, she had one telephone session with a divorce busting coach after her H left last week, he is already home and tring to work on the marriage. What do you have to lose? All you are doing with the questions is making yourself seem needy to your w, she is not open to reason right now.

[TrustInYourself]

You should be supportive if you want it to work. Regardless of your emotional state.

 

Why would you want a night? That's pretty selfish, don't you think?

[lastout_82]

honostly i dont know what it is. if it is selfshish i dont know because i cant describe it.

 

but i thought alot, more than i have before and i relize what it feels like to have that gap and why and who put it there. and i know now who is in it with me and thats my kids and myself. i thought about what she wanted when reading the things she said. and its the same thing i want. in a way ofcoarse its hard to let it go. but i have alot more securty now with my self about it all. and it took some time to relize that.

 

but it wasnt an interrogation. i asked her if i can ask some questions about somethings i dont understand. didnt act out or like a child. its good for me because now i know. that emptyness is her and it will always be her. but im at a point i want to drive on and forget about it. put it in the backof my mind and care for those who are in the gap with me. but i also know that she wont fill or be in ther for a long time. not because i wont let her i just dont want her there. and as of right now and into the future if she comes to me about that one night all she will hear is."dont think thats best now or for a while"

being with someone is close to me and it fills a void but only for a moment then the rage saddnes and unkowning come right back. so why do that to myself.

its time for me, and aden and blaze. nothing for her. no more long conversations because that just pokes that gap. and tears it alittle more. and i dont want that. im going to leave it as it is. play the hand im dealt and deal with the unforseen. and in time if she sees that she can be with me its going to take alot more than words. now after i realize everything that she and we have done to each other.

 

i ddint want reason with her. i didnt want to be needy but i did want to know a few things. and i got them and now i look at it alot different. we really didnt talk before about it. and i was lost didnt want to feel lost. now im found.

[lastout_82]

think im starting to have a problem here. with myself. before two days ago everytime i would look at her or even contact her my brain told me to work on it most times i would keep my mouth shut. sometimes i would let out a yelp and say something.

but now everytime i look or even talk to her about something other than us im starting to not enjoy it. and im starting to relize all the bs and cant say hating her but thats how it feels. and now we are planning a seperation and who does what and when. but this whole time its been her way everything has been her way. now i dont want that. she is asking for things i dont feel right doing its not i wont its i cant. either wont have time or just cant. and im at a point were i dont want to work with her at all. on anything. unless its me getting kids for the weekend thats it.

 

Any reason why i feel like i dont really care about her anymore. And why im starting to dislike her everytime i see or talk to her. kind of strange to go from one feeling to the complete opp.

[CM2009]

I usually don't agree with a lot of what Gunny says but he is right on about his last 2 post, especially the check and writing on the back voided before a certain day = classic:laugh::lmao:

[MrMayI]

think im starting to have a problem here. with myself. before two days ago everytime i would look at her or even contact her my brain told me to work on it most times i would keep my mouth shut. sometimes i would let out a yelp and say something.

but now everytime i look or even talk to her about something other than us im starting to not enjoy it. and im starting to relize all the bs and cant say hating her but thats how it feels. and now we are planning a seperation and who does what and when. but this whole time its been her way everything has been her way. now i dont want that. she is asking for things i dont feel right doing its not i wont its i cant. either wont have time or just cant. and im at a point were i dont want to work with her at all. on anything. unless its me getting kids for the weekend thats it.

 

Any reason why i feel like i dont really care about her anymore. And why im starting to dislike her everytime i see or talk to her. kind of strange to go from one feeling to the complete opp.

 

about a week after my wife moved out, i started to hit this point. it took one time of me trying to just talk to her, and i realized. i don't even like her. i thought back to the past year of my marriage, and as hard as it was to admit, knew i haven't really wanted to be in the marriage if that's how the marriage was gonna be. i'm still there. i thank god for her for bringing my child into this world, but i just don't really like her as a person, at all, anymore.

[lastout_82]

Exactly MrMayI, i was actually driving home from some interviews and turned off the radio and started think about all the crap. and how i have tried to talk to her and just gotten blown off.

 

and yes she can never replace what we made togather our two kids. but im starting to not like her as a person and seeing what i really went through.

 

Is this normal? I dont know if it is. its cool i got me some self help books about marriage and money debt and things like that. key word ME. cant get devorice busting yet so i just go to libary and check them out. my libary is very outdated.

 

Anyone else have this were they just started realizing how much they dont really like the person anymore is that part of the healing process or is it part of the starting from scratch process. dont get it.

[LisaUk]

I wish that was the case for me. I am still at a loss over my ex's sudden departure, although I do think it is commitment problems. I seem to be stuck in a rut of going over it and over it, always coming back to the same conclusion. Even though he has treated me like s**t, I still think of him the way I thought of him before.

 

Did all this come out of the blue? Were you aware things were going down hill? Or now you have had time to reflect can you see how it happened and actually you weren't happy either? Or is it just that you don't like the way she has treated you and it is enough for you to not want to be with her anymore?

[lastout_82]

things were going down hill for a while. but nothing like this. then oneday she said she wanted to split. no talking or anything. i was happy from time to time. but i didnt know if things would have ever worked out. we had a major communication problem. sometimes it was me and sometimes it was her. and now ive tried to work with her and talk with her but i keep getting the same cold shoulder. then she started with this major attitude problem and just being a bitch. then she told me she wants me to be understandingabout it all. its like How? then the other day i just reflected and afiguered out is it really worth it. ill get my **** toagther and get my place. but she keeps throwing lies at me and she knows its a lie and so do i. and that was getting very old. and i see how bad of a person she is.

 

the things she told me was wrong with me over 3 years she has done the same exact thing but a little worse in a 4 week peroid. and now i see that and wonder how are you going to say thats wrong with me and your doing it too. and i thought well let me get my head back on forget her knowing how hard it is and just focus on me. and kids and me. cant stress me enough. was us. now me.

 

Maby after being away from her for a few months or a year ill talk to her about us. but for now. no. tried and i got some bitchy cold shoulder heartless girl. and im tired of that and thats something i know i dont want anymore .not even talking about us just talking about the kids and what they are doing even got a bitch that i never seen before. maby it will pass maby it wont.

 

For you just reflect. you will get sad i still do sometimes but not as bad as before.

[LisaUk]

I think maybe as this wasn't a complete shock then, you were aware of some problems before the big speech. See for me, total bolt out of the blue, we were palnning our wedding, literally, had the Vicar round to the house two weeks prior, ready to put down the deposit on the wedding venue. No idea there were any problems at all, weren't arguing, no loss of affection or sex, no avoidance etc. H**l, no one agrees to marry after 18 years, or at any time if they are really unhappy.

 

I so wish I could feel like you do right now, maybe the reflection will help, my counsellor finally scheduled another appointment for tomorrow, maybe once that gets going proper I will be able to think of him differently, think of what he has become, rather than the guy who 3 weeks before was saying how happy, safe and secure he felt with me in his arms.

 

*Sigh*