*My strategy to get back the girl I love*

[newwavebloke]

I met the girl that broke my heart on friendster. We talked for about two weeks over messages then decided to meet up. We got together right away. We are completely simpatico and have a lot in common. She is a tall, thin, gorgeous blond with greenish/gray eyes. She dresses like a runway disaster, in a good way. I did everything right with her as far as being confident, independent and kind. As a result of the tremendous chemistry between us, things moved extremely fast; i.e. we shagged the first night we hung out. I told her I loved her very early on and she reciprocated. She brought up the idea of moving in together, which I was willing to do. I told her I would marry her someday, and she suggested a name for our firstborn! I know all this pressure was the problem that caused the break-up. She dumped me very suddenly after only one month of this intense dating. One day we went to see Kill Bill and had the best night yet. However the next day she met someone else while I was at work. I cried and cried on the phone when she told me. I hit the bottle of Canadian Whiskey repeatedly until I was drunk as hell. I pulled out a Mach 3 razor and sliced open my arm a couple of times and started bleeding heavily. I don’t normally do things like this but it was so unbearable I felt the need to express it that way. The next two days were completely awful. First day I had to leave work early because it was apparent I was falling apart and couldn’t function. The next day after that I left my cubicle to cry in the bathroom a few times. It was terrible everyone knew something was wrong with me, but I couldn’t hide my feelings. It felt like someone had died. I’ve been F-ed with a lot by girls, but this was the worst pain - hands down.

I sent her a couple of weepy e-mails asking her not to walk out this way and give it a chance. After a week I called her again but she wouldn’t talk to me. Finally I get an e-mail from her saying we should be friends and she wants me in her life but that she’s interested in this other guy. She said she needs some time to sort through these feelings, but she hasn’t exactly promised that there is a chance for the future. We were very happy before this happened and she said I exceeded all her expectations and fulfilled all her needs, except for, that pesky need to be independent I guess.

 

After much painful soul searching I came up with my strategy to get her back, or at least get myself back in control. I hope some people on here will give some feedback on my reasoning. Here goes.

A) I’m giving her tremendous space, and hoping she misses me. B) I’m hoping this new guy hangs himself (after all I doubt he could do more for her than I did). With some luck he should slip up somewhere and she’ll see he’s not the one. C) I’m going to avoid making her feel guilty for leaving me and will try not to show any of my emotional weakness. If I reveal that I am still a complete mess deep down she’ll be driven away. D) I’m going to try to show her I love her in other ways like being available to talk and maybe send her a gift here and there to remind her of me. E) I am going out every night trying to meet ladies to pass the time with. I started dating someone else casually and I’m wondering when the right time is to tell my love about it. I don’t want her to think I’m trying to rub it in or something. I honestly believe she will miss me in some capacity and if I can survive this period with grace and confidence she will come to her senses once this fling is out of her system.

 

So what do people think of this plan? Am I in denial here thinking I can get her back? Am I just putting off the inevitable by thinking there could be a PART2 between us? I know my chances are considered slim, but this girl is worth it if it works. Though I’m scared to death that she will fall for this other guy and that I will be written off as the ‘fling.’ Sometimes I still cry but she won’t see that. Any help would be appreciated.

[midori]

I think you need to take a look at your life overall and figure out what is going on. Here are some points to consider:

 

1. Why were you so available to spend every waking moment with someone you'd only just met? What about your friends, other activities -- do you have any? If so, what became of them when you got sucked into Love?

 

2. How did this relationship come to assume such importance in your life, in just a month's time? Your gf ends things and you become suicidal? That's never a good thing, but especially troubling given that the two of you were together for such a short period of time.

 

3. A secondary question, what was or was not going on in your ex gf's life that she was so receptive to an all-consuming relationship right off the bat?

 

Love is great, lust is great. Infatuation can be quite a lot of fun. I'm not suggesting that any of these things are bad in and of themselves. But what were you doing before you hooked up with her? Were you suicidal then?

 

What I'm getting at is that I think that falling madly in love overnight is something that typically is done by the very young (who, let's face it, often don't have anything else to occupy their time), or by people who are looking to escape from something, or fill a void in their life. Yes, we all need love, and if you don't have it you could say that's a void -- but that's not what I'm talking about. Enduring love is typically something that grows over time. The intense stuff you describe is blind and heedless, not to mention unstable (as you have unfortunately discovered). So what in you was receptive to being blind and heedless? What in your ex-gf was?

 

I'm not trying to discount the possibility of love at first sight, but I think it's a rather rare thing, and I think that lust and convenience at first sight is much more common. People have all kinds of reasons for wanting to get caught up in something wonderful -- or which seems wonderful, or promises to be wonderful. But having a reason or a wish for it to be love, real love that lasts, will not make it so.

 

This girl has apparently decided it's not real. Maybe she's the sort of person who goes from infatuation to infatuation, feeding off that initial high. Maybe she's looking for a guy who can make things happen for her: professionally, financially, whatever -- and maybe she has found a better candidate. Maybe she's insane. Maybe she's scared. Whatever her reason for bailing on your wonderful ride together, she has done so.

 

Now you have to ask yourself why you are tormenting yourself over this loss. One possibility is that it's really true love. OK. But there are other possibilities, you could have other reasons for wishing to be in love. Is your regular life rather boring? Job going nowhere? Do your friends all have girlfriends or boyfriends, so you're the only single? Do you have friends? Are you lonely, maybe far from family or with a dysfunctional family? Were you still trying to get over your previous girlfriend when you met this one? Etc. etc. Lots of reasons to throw oneself into "love" -- but none of those things actually make it love.

 

I think you'd do well to ponder these questions. Now as for your plan to win her back -- if upon consideration you decide that it really was love, it still is love on your part, and you do want her back -- I think that A is good, that B is beyond your control, that C is unnecessary if you do A properly, and that D is a very bad idea. She knows you want her back. She'll get back to you if she changes her mind and wants to come back. Now, as for E, I think that's generally a good plan -- something to do for your sake, because there is a very real possibility that, no matter how much you believe in it, the relationship will not be revived. I think you should say nothing to your ex about any women you date, because then you will be violating A (which you should be doing no so that she'll miss you so much as so you can regain your footing and not start thinking about slicing your wrists open again). I think you should be very very careful to be SURE it is clear to any women you date that it is casual. Don't pull them into your little whirlpool of misery. Keep it light and fun. If sleeping with them will signal to them a relationship is underway, then you shouldn't sleep with them. If you find yourself falling really hard for one of them, put the brakes on. For her sake. Until you get your head sorted out.

 

My last suggestion to you is to get yourself immediately to a competent counselor of some sort. We all go through rejection and heartache, and it sucks, and it sucks for a while. But attempting suicide or even just hurting yourself is NOT romantic or normal. Sylvia Plath was depressed and aching from heartbreak, and she is celebrated now -- but she is also dead. That stuff isn't laughable or dismissable. Get some help. In addition to getting help for your self-destructive inclinations, counseling can also help you to explore your issues so you can figure out what attracted you so intensely to someone you didn't know very well, and why you are taking the break-up so hard.

 

Keep writing. You might not get the kind of chipper, "it'll work out just the way you want it to, wait and see" kind of advice you were hoping for here. But people here have all been through heartbreak and rejection. It's not the end of the world.

[newwavebloke]

Tough advice to read but a lot of wisdom contained. I'm kind of embarrassed i admitted so many details.

Answers:

1. We didn't spend every waking moment together. We talked a lot and dreamed a lot. I work 6 days a week! But the answer is that I'm insecure and perpetually looking for affirmation from girls. When a beautiful girl tells you what you want to hear it's hard to say no when you hate the rest of your life most fo the time.

 

2. I guess it became so important because very early on i realized the potential this girl had to make me happy. No other relationships has compared to the sense of ease I had with her. I felt complete.

 

3. She just moved back from NV after a break up with her ex. She had nothing to do except watch her dogs, she wasn't working. It's easy to see she had voids to fill.

 

I'm not suicidal, but I would like to have never been born when i think about the rest of my life without her. I know it's supposedly 'nothing' because it was so short but I feel no regrets for feeling love for her. Weren't Sid and Nancy in love? My point is that love can come quickly.

[midori]

Originally posted by newwavebloke

Tough advice to read but a lot of wisdom contained. I'm kind of embarrassed i admitted so many details.

Answers:

1. We didn't spend every waking moment together. We talked a lot and dreamed a lot. I work 6 days a week! But the answer is that I'm insecure and perpetually looking for affirmation from girls. When a beautiful girl tells you what you want to hear it's hard to say no when you hate the rest of your life most fo the time.

 

Indeed, and I think you'd do yourself a favor to dwell on that some more. You don't need a beautiful girl to change your life, or the parts of your life that you hate. Attaching all your hope to her is not a good idea, not for yourself, and not for the relationship. If you're clinging so desperately to it because you've got everything riding on it, you risk falling really hard if it doesn't work out (as you have), and you make it more likely that it won't work out because you're so desperate to keep it that you've got a death-grip on it.

 

2. I guess it became so important because very early on i realized the potential this girl had to make me happy. No other relationships has compared to the sense of ease I had with her. I felt complete.

 

She can't make you happy. You make you happy. Maybe you find it easier to do when you're in her company -- but it's still you, not her. What was it about her that made it easier for you to be happy? If it was just the fact that you had a beautiful girlfriend, then it's not really about her at all.

 

I'm not suicidal,

 

But you did slash your wrists.

 

but I would like to have never been born when i think about the rest of my life without her. I know it's supposedly 'nothing' because it was so short but I feel no regrets for feeling love for her.

 

No one said it wasn't love. I have raised the possibility that it wasn't, that it is really about other things that are lacking in your life.

 

Weren't Sid and Nancy in love?

 

if they were it did her a fat lot of good.

 

My point is that love can come quickly.

 

Sure, it can. But real love rarely does. Obviously there was something wrong with it, because she has left you. I'm not doubting the intensity of your emotions for one minute! But I'm suggesting that you look elsewhere for the source of your grief. I'm sure you miss her, but you didn't know her for that long, or (hate to say it) that well. You were completely blind-sided by the break-up. There are sides to her that you didn't know about.

 

I hope you'll forgive me but you seem like a rather melodramatic fellow. Your first post used British terms like "shag," and you obviously affiliate with the late 70's/early 80's rock-n-roll scene. But you're American (right?), and this is 2003. Where are you living -- in the present, or in some fantasy world? I'm not saying you must be out of touch to like new wave or the Sex Pistols. But that identity appropriation, paired with the wrist slashing that was "not suicidal" but apparently done as an expression of your grief, suggests to me that you're not very realistic. I still think you ought to get some counseling.

[newwavebloke]

Yeah I don't know about the melodrama. Usually i don't get too emotional, but I do feel too sorry for myself when i get into a rut. I'm 27 and i really like Syd Barrett and the Stones.

[mr_roggger]

C) I’m going to avoid making her feel guilty for leaving me and will try not to show any of my emotional weakness. If I reveal that I am still a complete mess deep down she’ll be driven away.

I think you should try to sort out your emotional weaknesses, since if you don't and you do get back with her, they will only come out again causing her to question the relationship once more.

I am coping with a break up of a 2 1/2 year relationship right now and am trying to get back with my ex (see posts from 1-2 weeks ago), but to get back with her, I have realised that it is no use to try and reassure her I have changed, nor is it any use to resort to begging for her to take me back. I must remove my neediness for her so that we will (hopefully) be able to get back together...I hope that I can change and that she can see that without me having to actually tell her anything, so that we can come back together "naturally", rather than me forcing her to come back into a relationship with me.

However, our break-up was my fault, whereas with yours, I am unsure.

She can't make you happy. You make you happy. Maybe you find it easier to do when you're in her company -- but it's still you, not her. What was it about her that made it easier for you to be happy? If it was just the fact that you had a beautiful girlfriend, then it's not really about her at all.

That is so true, yet hard to accept at this stage of a break up. noone should be able to control your emotions bar you, you should be made happy by someone, but not have someone make you happy (hope that makes SOME sense!). I believe that I too had a beautiful girlfriend, but for us it was much more than physical attraction, we were just great together.

A) I’m giving her tremendous space, and hoping she misses me.

I am trying to do that too (although it's very hard), and I hope that the rebound relationship that she is in right now will not last long when she realises how many good times we have had together...hopefully this time will give her space to remember all the good things that we have done together...I still don't know why your ex left you, but maybe she too will begin to cherish memories of the good times you had together.

D) I’m going to try to show her I love her in other ways like being available to talk and maybe send her a gift here and there to remind her of me.

Be available to talk if she contacts you by all means, but I made the mistake of going to see my ex 2 days after we broke up (long story but she wasn't there so I left her flowers)...she was pretty freaked out by this and guessed that I was stalking her or something. This was one of my biggest mistakes ever and I regret it now...I urge you not to make the same mistake...just give it a bit of time with no contact and hopefully, if you sort yourself out (like I am trying to), you two can get back together.