vangel2 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 If you don't know about my story, I have it posted here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194021/ So, I've been going to group therapy for abused women & I have been going religiously. Every week, new victims of emotional & physical abuse comes & it breaks my heart to see that this kind of abuse is still going on many homes. It's been helping me cope with the pain in my life that my H has caused me & slowly picking up the pieces of me I left behind in my marriage. So, I am now living with my parents until I can finally get back on my feet again. As far as the H, we haven't talked for a month. Then he comes back calling me & telling me that he wants to work out our marriage. He promised counselling but he keeps telling me things like it was my fault why we're not together & that what he's done to me is nothing compare to what I've done. I broke our trust & apparently everything was all good until I crossed the line & had an emotional affair. I told him again, that I'm not making excuses bc nothing justifies an affair & I told him that I was sincerely sorry that I hurt him. I told him that he caused me pain before this whole thing started & I feel like he never was sorry about what he done to me bc he keeps blaming me for why he treated me the way he did. Supposedly, I'm the only woman who makes him mad as much as I do & I fight to the point that I don't back down which is why he feels the need to hit me. With all this being said, I just want to know, am I wasting my time talking to him about making our marriage work? He seems to have the same kind of thinking before we separated & it hasn't changed since then. Is he going to change?? It's so hard to let him go! I haven't been around him yet, but he still has this hold on me. What's wrong with me? Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 As a woman who was once in your shoes, the answer to if they can change into non-abusers, willing to talk it out with words instead of fists, intimidations and threats, the answer is NO. So, don't even bother trying. Stay as far away from him as you can. In time you will experience the freedom and let me tell you, there is no better feeling in the world. Accept he does not love you. You may feel you love him, but in truth, you fear him and your self-esteem is non-existent. That is not love. The longer you stay away from him the sooner you get your self-worth back. He is only wanting one thing from you, and that is to have complete control of your every action with telling you everything is your fault, and you make him harm you and he takes none of the blame, for what he has control over. Yes, he has control of what he does, he doesn't lose control, he knows exactly what he does, and chooses to do it. In his mind, he owns you, you are his property and with that way of thinking, he can never change into the man you deserve and the man that will respect and love you. Link to post Share on other sites
WARREN86 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 This is a question where there is no direct answer. It all varies depending on the person & the actions he/she chooses to pursue to make that change. For him to ask you back into the marriage & still blame you for everything as to why things went south, it sounds like he is not choosing to change. I agree w/ hopesandreams about him having control over you & that he doesn't love you. You said you read all there is on emotional & physical abusers & those are some of the things abusers are obsessed with & that's power. You're feeding him that when you allow him to think that you may still want to make this marriage work out. Don't go backwards~ I told you on your post to not let that man manipulate you to thinking that he's going to change bc that kind of change that you're seeking for is not going to happen overnight. It is to the point now where all that should matter is you & your daughter. Don't let all this support you are getting from the therapy & family & this forum esp. w/ Tojaz story be for nothing. Don't let this man have control over you so that you can go back to square one. You're wasting time on him. He had plenty of chances to redeem himself & now that you're showing him a glimpse of you having the capability to be w/o him he'll do & say everything he can to get you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 You can't dump this clown fast enough! Once an abuser! Always an abuser! Trust me! If I didn't beat my wife in twelve years of marriage? No man has a right to! A Plain and simple rule! Men don't hit women! Just that plain! Just that simple! The one and only exception is when the wife is coming after you with a steak knife! Even then you disarm her and get to steppin! When it gets to that level? Its time to go! Link to post Share on other sites
burningashes Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 People should not hit people for any but defensive reasons. It makes it worse that it's your husband doing it Know that you are alone and you can break free from this guy. Trust me, there are so much better men out there who would never ever hit you for any reason. Love yourself the way you would want to be loved, and you will heal. Remind yourself the reason why you left in the first place and it'll help yourself stick to NC whenever he tries to contact you. Better yet, just don't talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
LovesHangover Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Good for you that you are in counseling! You need time to heal and restore your self esteem. You never lost your self worth. You just need to rediscover it. You can start by leaving this guy alone completely.I will work through almost anything in a relationship, except abuse of any kind, cheating, and addictions. Your husband needs to learn how to properly treat a woman. Think of the message you will send to your daughter if you stay. Do you honestly wanting her thinking this is okay or normal behavior in a relationship. No way! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 If you don't know about my story, I have it posted here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194021/ So, I've been going to group therapy for abused women & I have been going religiously. Every week, new victims of emotional & physical abuse comes & it breaks my heart to see that this kind of abuse is still going on many homes. It's been helping me cope with the pain in my life that my H has caused me & slowly picking up the pieces of me I left behind in my marriage. So, I am now living with my parents until I can finally get back on my feet again. As far as the H, we haven't talked for a month. Then he comes back calling me & telling me that he wants to work out our marriage. He promised counselling but he keeps telling me things like it was my fault why we're not together & that what he's done to me is nothing compare to what I've done. I broke our trust & apparently everything was all good until I crossed the line & had an emotional affair. I told him again, that I'm not making excuses bc nothing justifies an affair & I told him that I was sincerely sorry that I hurt him. I told him that he caused me pain before this whole thing started & I feel like he never was sorry about what he done to me bc he keeps blaming me for why he treated me the way he did. Supposedly, I'm the only woman who makes him mad as much as I do & I fight to the point that I don't back down which is why he feels the need to hit me. :mad: YES!!! :mad: I know it's hard Vangel, cut this A$$ out of your life! With all this being said, I just want to know, am I wasting my time talking to him about making our marriage work? He seems to have the same kind of thinking before we separated & it hasn't changed since then. Is he going to change?? It's so hard to let him go! I haven't been around him yet, but he still has this hold on me. What's wrong with me? There is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with him! PERIOD!!!!! The fact that he blames you for the abuse proves that. This is not your fault, it was never your fault, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot make it your fault. Don't wait for him to change. I know it's a cheap shot reposting this, but I don't want anybody to have to do this for you... I have known Allie for over 25 years, she was my best friend and will always be remembered as the bright girl, so full of life and energy that it was impossible to see her and not smile. A spirit that existed solely to bring happiness and care to those around her, friends, family, and strangers alike. She was a generous and selfless person whose first thought was rarely of herself. As there are several people who would like to speak tonight, I would like to relate just this one story which just recently happened after her passing. It is truly tragic and senseless how she came to leave us. Yet not meaningless. As some of you know, I am going through a divorce and one of my outlets for support has been a fantastic online forum, Loveshack.org. On this forum i had the occasion to meet a woman I only know as Vangel2. I have never met her, never seen her, or know where she lives. All I know is her story. Unfortunately Vangel and Allison share a lot of common traits in their marriages, far too many for anyone to bear. She was on the forum looking for advice to save her marriage. As her story unfolded, she admitted that her husband was quite abusive and she held a lot of fear for her safety and that of her five year old daughter. Upon hearing this I related Allisons story to her and urged her to escape this situation. She did, and it taking steps to move on and to act in her own best interests and in those of her daughter. She has sought out support and guidance and I truly believe that this is directly in response to Allies story. It is of great comfort to me and hopefully to you all, that something positive could come from this tragedy, that Vangel could be inspired to choose a different path, and that all who read her and Allies story may do the same, this in the end i believe is how Allison would like to have been remembered. I urge all of you who are willing to keep Vangel in thier prayers and to ask Allie to watch over her and her daughter." keep that in mind, Allie thought he could change! Stick with the counseling, and if you still need someone to talk to write me! Stay out of Second Chances! This is one guy that dosen't deserve it. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 As a woman who was once in your shoes, the answer to if they can change into non-abusers, willing to talk it out with words instead of fists, intimidations and threats, the answer is NO. So, don't even bother trying. Stay as far away from him as you can. In time you will experience the freedom and let me tell you, there is no better feeling in the world. Accept he does not love you. You may feel you love him, but in truth, you fear him and your self-esteem is non-existent. That is not love. The longer you stay away from him the sooner you get your self-worth back. He is only wanting one thing from you, and that is to have complete control of your every action with telling you everything is your fault, and you make him harm you and he takes none of the blame, for what he has control over. Yes, he has control of what he does, he doesn't lose control, he knows exactly what he does, and chooses to do it. In his mind, he owns you, you are his property and with that way of thinking, he can never change into the man you deserve and the man that will respect and love you. I meant to send you an email a while back, but I got caught up w/ a lot of things due to work & school. I wanted to know how things are going w/ you. The last I read, you were still in the process of divorce? The way things ended btwn you two, I think it's best for you anyways, because she didn't care enough to stay & talk it out w/ you. Again, I can't express how mind blowing it is to hear how this woman can give up such a wonderful guy such as yourself bc it's rare these days to find a decent guy. As far as my situation, my husband is abusive when it comes to his anger. He restrained from hitting me for over a year now, but the constant emotion & verbal abuse continues everytime he gets angry. But with that aside, he can be loveable & charming. It's like he knows the right things to say & the right things to do to make me happy...and he's my weakness. I can't seem to stop worrying about his needs & feelings. It's a habit I've been doing for over 5 years! I feel like if I leave it'll be a big mistake & I if I stay it'll be a big mistake. We were once never like this...and it makes me wonder what went wrong? But like I said, I keep thinking of Allie & it's her that keeps me going to these group sessions & it's her that I haven't run straight back into the H's arms. But I can't seem to pull myself to go & say no to him & says it's completely over. I'm definitely at the point in my life where I'm at the crossroad & I'm choosing which way to go. I have came this far & now it's time for me to choose where I want my life to lead to. Sorry so long =). I am just venting. lol. plz write back & let me know what's going on in ur situation. Hope all things are going better on your side. always, vangel aka rosalyn. =) Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 This is a question where there is no direct answer. It all varies depending on the person & the actions he/she chooses to pursue to make that change. For him to ask you back into the marriage & still blame you for everything as to why things went south, it sounds like he is not choosing to change. I agree w/ hopesandreams about him having control over you & that he doesn't love you. You said you read all there is on emotional & physical abusers & those are some of the things abusers are obsessed with & that's power. You're feeding him that when you allow him to think that you may still want to make this marriage work out. Don't go backwards~ I told you on your post to not let that man manipulate you to thinking that he's going to change bc that kind of change that you're seeking for is not going to happen overnight. It is to the point now where all that should matter is you & your daughter. Don't let all this support you are getting from the therapy & family & this forum esp. w/ Tojaz story be for nothing. Don't let this man have control over you so that you can go back to square one. You're wasting time on him. He had plenty of chances to redeem himself & now that you're showing him a glimpse of you having the capability to be w/o him he'll do & say everything he can to get you back. It just breaks my heart bc I want it to work out so bad. It hurts to know the man I once loved is gone... But I got to realize that he made that choice to change to the man that he is today. My aunt made a really good point today...she said that there's a chance that he might or might not change, but she asked if I'm willing to sit around & wait for that happen? the fact is at this present time, he's not changing & he never did for the past few years. I waited long enough... Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 You can't dump this clown fast enough! Once an abuser! Always an abuser! Trust me! If I didn't beat my wife in twelve years of marriage? No man has a right to! A Plain and simple rule! Men don't hit women! Just that plain! Just that simple! The one and only exception is when the wife is coming after you with a steak knife! Even then you disarm her and get to steppin! When it gets to that level? Its time to go! It's nice to hear a guy for once say that a woman should never get hit. With the H, he always made the excuses on why he did what he did & he even told my sisters that I deserved it sometimes. I pray to God to give me the strength to walk away completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 People should not hit people for any but defensive reasons. It makes it worse that it's your husband doing it Know that you are alone and you can break free from this guy. Trust me, there are so much better men out there who would never ever hit you for any reason. Love yourself the way you would want to be loved, and you will heal. Remind yourself the reason why you left in the first place and it'll help yourself stick to NC whenever he tries to contact you. Better yet, just don't talk to him. I think bc I was broken down throughout my marriage that I can't find that inner strength to finally make a decision for myself. It was always about him in the marriage & making him happy that I learned to put my whole effort for him only. It's going to take time for me to do just that. I have been trying to do the whole NC, but like I mentioned earlier to a post, he is my weakness. It's a habit I have to break away from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 There is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with him! PERIOD!!!!! The fact that he blames you for the abuse proves that. This is not your fault, it was never your fault, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot make it your fault. Don't wait for him to change. I know it's a cheap shot reposting this, but I don't want anybody to have to do this for you... I have known Allie for over 25 years, she was my best friend and will always be remembered as the bright girl, so full of life and energy that it was impossible to see her and not smile. A spirit that existed solely to bring happiness and care to those around her, friends, family, and strangers alike. She was a generous and selfless person whose first thought was rarely of herself. As there are several people who would like to speak tonight, I would like to relate just this one story which just recently happened after her passing. It is truly tragic and senseless how she came to leave us. Yet not meaningless. As some of you know, I am going through a divorce and one of my outlets for support has been a fantastic online forum, Loveshack.org. On this forum i had the occasion to meet a woman I only know as Vangel2. I have never met her, never seen her, or know where she lives. All I know is her story. Unfortunately Vangel and Allison share a lot of common traits in their marriages, far too many for anyone to bear. She was on the forum looking for advice to save her marriage. As her story unfolded, she admitted that her husband was quite abusive and she held a lot of fear for her safety and that of her five year old daughter. Upon hearing this I related Allisons story to her and urged her to escape this situation. She did, and it taking steps to move on and to act in her own best interests and in those of her daughter. She has sought out support and guidance and I truly believe that this is directly in response to Allies story. It is of great comfort to me and hopefully to you all, that something positive could come from this tragedy, that Vangel could be inspired to choose a different path, and that all who read her and Allies story may do the same, this in the end i believe is how Allison would like to have been remembered. I urge all of you who are willing to keep Vangel in thier prayers and to ask Allie to watch over her and her daughter." keep that in mind, Allie thought he could change! Stick with the counseling, and if you still need someone to talk to write me! Stay out of Second Chances! This is one guy that dosen't deserve it. TOJAZ I need all the prayers, Tojaz. I don't have the strength yet. But I have been keeping my distant from him. I will forever think of Allison to remind me of my reasons to leave him the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I need all the prayers, Tojaz. I don't have the strength yet. But I have been keeping my distant from him. I will forever think of Allison to remind me of my reasons to leave him the first place. Just like i said in my E-mail, what if your daughter was dating/married to this man, what would you want her to do? What advice would you give her? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
WARREN86 Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 vangel~ how are things moving along so far? havent heard from you in a good bit. Let us know what's been going on. Link to post Share on other sites
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